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Russian Baby
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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Expressions For Women On High Stress Days
* You! Off my planet!
* Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
* Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
* Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
* And your crybaby whiny opinion would be....?
* I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
* I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.
* I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
* You say I'm a bitch like its a bad thing.
* Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
* Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
* Is it time for your medication or mine?
* How do I set a laser printer to stun?
* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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Removing Mr. Gay From The Plane
Sydney Morning Herald
Monday, June 15th 1999
"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he chose another seat.
Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".
Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.
So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer, "Are you Gay?" The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".
Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.
Ansett refused to comment on the incident.
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Two Fingers
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full and bushy beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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Senator's Statement
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.
"OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
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Training Courses Now Available for Men
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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The Witness
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bello"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?," the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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Marketing Explained
Marketing (according to a Lady)
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." — That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." — That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." — That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." — That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." — That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. — That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. — That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" — That's Spam.
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Procrastinator's Creed
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 4 Feb 2003
Procrastinator's Creed:
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
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Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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Male Emotions
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make such a wonderful crib like that for the low price we paid for it."
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Joe's Psychiatrist
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
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Mysterious Deaths
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 6 Feb 2003
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A.M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11...
Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Age and Men/Women
Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
Age and Manhood
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.
3. Over 47: Try weakly.
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Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. "The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, 'For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!'
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
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Sex Therapist
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
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Sleeping Arrangements
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?," asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Archery Ace
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?," cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?," asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favour in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
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Weight Problems??
If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:
Has your neighbourhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the centre of the ship?
Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
(Note from Pete: I only scored three! I think I'll go to McDonald's to celebrate... then Pizza Hut... then Burger King... then KFC...)
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Fairy Godmother
There was this old woman sitting on her front porch in the swing knitting. She looked up from her work to see this cloud of smoke and POOF! There was a beautiful fairy standing before her.
"Who are you," she asked?
"I'm your fairy godmother," she answered. "And you have three wishes coming."
With amazement in her eyes, the old lady asked, "When may I use these three wishes?"
"Why now, of course," she answered.
With that the old lady said, "Make me young and beautiful!"
POOF!! She was young and beautiful. With more excitement in her voice the formerly old woman said, "I want to live like royalty!"
POOF!! She was sitting on the steps of a huge castle, dressed in a silk gown, and diamond tiara. "Oh my," she shouted, "oh my!"
Next, the woman said, "For my third wish, I'd like a man! I need a handsome young prince to share all this with me!"
"Very well...," answered the fairy godmother looking around with a hand on her cheek. She needed a worthy subject to fill the woman's order.
About that time the woman's cat strolled around the side of the castle. "Him!" shouted the lady, pointing to the cat. "Make him a handsome prince, for I've grown to love my kitty so dearly! He's so kind and loving to me!"
POOF!! The cat was transformed into the most beautiful hunk of man she had ever seen.
"Oh my! Oh my!," again shouted the lucky woman. Her prince's manly beauty spellbound her immediately.
Her heartbeat quickened as her prince walked up to her slowly. He gently whispered in her ear, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
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The Odd Boy
Once there was a boy named Odd. He was the butt of jokes his whole life, because of his name. Eventually he grew up to be a very successful fisherman and owner of three fish processing plants. When Odd was about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life and I don't want them doing that after I'm dead, so don't put my name on my gravestone." After Odd died, people saw his blank tomb-stone and said...
"That's Odd."
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Mr. Sugarbrown's Daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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Old Joe
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
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Drinking Coffee Via an Enema
Jim was in a terrible wreck. He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when he awake he was ravenous. Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have something to eat.
She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."
"Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?," Jim asked through his clenched jaw.
"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."
But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
"Is it too hot?," the nurse asked.
"No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
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Husband's Last Requests
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away Last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
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Toilet Paper Name
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it 'John Wayne.'"
"Why?," he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn't take crap off anybody!"
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Nuts in the Vice
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Body of Dynamite
A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short your fuse was!"
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Anti-Valentines
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
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Things Not to Say on Your Valentine's Date
Things not to say on your valentine's date:
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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Before And After Falling In Love...
B (Before) - You take my breath away
A (After) - I feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
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Good News and Bad News
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
The husband answers and says, "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."
The wife replies, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
The husband says, "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."
"Well," says the wife, "the air bag works."
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Art
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.
One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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How Government Works
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer; then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman!
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Counting on His Fingers
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.
So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
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Three Legged Chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!," said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
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Only 24 Hours to Live
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
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Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... it's about time you became informed!
A - Almost boobs.
B - Barely there.
C - Can't complain!
D - Damn!
DD - Double damn!
E - Enormous!
F - Fake!
G - GEEEEzus Christ!
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Lifeless as a Statue
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
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Urine Test
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
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Seated Together on the Airplane?
For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?"
"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
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My Wife is Expecting
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained,"my wife's expecting."
"Oh...," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!," he bellowed.
"Yes sir!," said the soldier resolutely, "she's still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?," cried the Officer.
"Me," said the soldier simply.
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Seeing the Animals
Little Johnny wanted to go to the Zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?," his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?," asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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The Dead Dog
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?," screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark!"
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...
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Diagnosis Computer
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Making Love on the Back Seat
Pete meets Robert at the bar after work. Robert is really upset.
"What's wrong pal?" Pete asked. "You look really down."
"I am," Robert says, "My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car."
"So what's wrong with that?," Pete asked, seeming somewhat confused.
"Well," Robert sighs, "She said she wants me to be driving when she has sex in the back seat."
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The Sweet Aroma of My Mistress
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line: you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted. The audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming. "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered. He asked, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!," the director screamed. "You forgot the bloody rose!"
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Price of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
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A Little White Meat
Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."
"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."
The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat — W. Churchill"
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Falling Down
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied, "we want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
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Corporate Travel Policy
Corporate Travel Policy
Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday, the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by travelling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centres, Costco, and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travellers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees travelling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.
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Before Setting Sail...
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,
"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
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Rental Property
A landlord has a bunch of rental properties, about 220 in all. Here are some actual letters he has gotten over the years... all real!
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
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Work Rules
1. Never walk without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss—and you *will* get caught—your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing—they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there—it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets. If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.
11. MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
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What Am I? The Weather Man?
It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.
The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says, "How the heck do I know—what am I, the weather man?," and promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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Enter Heaven
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Duck Honeymoon
There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it's the mating season.
The man duck starts prodding her with his beak, and she says, "Here, what do you think you're doing? Haven't you any subtlety?"
He says, "Oh, don't you want to, then?"
She says, "Well, not here, there's people watching. Let's go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else."
He says, "Where's a hotel, then?"
She says, "There's one there on the other side of the lake. Don't you know anything?"
So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, "Go on, ask him for a room."
So the man duck says to the receptionist, "Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We're on our honeymoon."
The receptionist says, "Certainly sir; room 22, here's your key."
So the ducks get in the lift (elevator) and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again. After a while she says, "Hang on a minute. You got a condom?"
"What?," he says.
"A condom! This is 2003, and I'm not going to do it without a condom."
"Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get one?"
"Haven't you had any education?" she says. "Ring room service and ask them to send one up."
"How do I ring room service?"
"For crying out loud! Dial 0 and ask for room service."
So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says, "Quack! I'd like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, a condom."
"Certainly sir," says room service. "That'll be with you in 10 minutes."
So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and then there's a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, "There's your tea, sir, and here's your condom. Shall I put it on your bill?"
"Certainly not," says the duck. "What do you think I am, a pervert?"
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Alcohol Warnings
Let this be a lesson to you. I, of course, have no need for such warnings. Due to increasing products liability litigation, UK beer Brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
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Top Ten Signs Your Friend Is Obsessed With Star Trek
Top Ten Signs Your Friend Is Obsessed With Star Trek:
10) His/Her car has more Trekkie bumper stickers than paint.
9) Keeps trying to "mind-meld" with your parakeet.
8) Refuses to lend you his/her hedge trimmer on grounds that it would violate the Prime Directive.
7) Keeps trying to "beam" stray cats from his/her microwave to yours.
6) Keeps threatening to fire photon torpedoes at your house, even though he/she knows they can't penetrate your shields.
5) Their garage door opens sideways and makes that cool "Vsoop" sound.
4) Keeps coming over to borrow a cup of Dilithium crystals.
3) Runs out of house with hamsters taped to himself screaming, "TRIBBLES! TRIBBLES EVERYWHERE!"
2) Continues to watch the show *even though* he/she has a girlfriend/boyfriend.
1) Talks!.... like!.... William!....... Shatner!
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Batty Books and Awful Authors
"A Day At The Beach" By C. Side
"A Large Arsehole" By Hugh Janus
"A Visit To The Dentist" By Lord Howitt-Hertz
"Anal Passage" By R. Sole
"At The Barber's Shop" By Shaun Head
"Baby's Revenge" By Nora Tittov
"Beatiful Babe From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne" By Bonny Lass
"Beside The Seaside" By C. Shaw
"Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.1" By Amos Quito
"Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.2" By Anne Othamosquito
"Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.3" By Andy Nuthamosquito
"Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.4" By Yetta Nuthamosquito
"Blowing Up Buildings" By D. Molition
"Brainless" By M. T. Head
"Breaking The Ice" By P. Kaxx
"Breakfast Recipes" By Egon Toast
"Breast Feeding" By Nora Tittov
"Brick Laying" By C. Ment
"Brown Spots On the Wall" By Hu Fling Pu
"Call The Plumber" By Ivor Leak
"Cannibalism" By Henrietta Mann
"Caring For Parrots" By L. O. Polly
"Cookery For Beginners" By Egon Chips
"Death On The Cliff's Edge" By Eileen Dover
"Defrosting Cattle" By Thora Herd
"Designing Placards" By Bill Poster
"Does My Bum Look Big?" By Hugh Janus
"Driving A Taxi" By Minnie Cabb
"End Of Term" By C. Myra Port
"Escpape To The New Forest" By Lucinda Woods
"Evacuate The Building" By Rufus Falling
"Faeces In The Carpet" By Drew P. Draws
"Fashion Of The 1960's" By Minnie Skirt
"Fat Bottomed Girls" By Hugh Janus
"Feed Your Dog Correctly" By Nora Bone
"First In The Form" By Hedda De Classe
"Five Miles To The Nearest Toilet" By Willie Maykit and Betty Wont - Illustrated by Andy Diddant
"Fooling Around" By Joe King
"Forest Freedom" By Lucinda Woods
"Fun With Your Friends" By Joe Kerr
"Garden Full Of Weeds?" By Dan D. Lyon
"Give To The Poor" By Rob Deritch
"Golden Waterfall" By I. P. Standing
"Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive" By Hu Yu Hai Ding
"Hernia On The Yangtze" By Won Hung Low
"Hole In The Mattress" By Mr. Completely
"Home Haircutting" By Shaun Head
"Homosexuality: A Rough Guide" By Dick Sukka
"Homosexuality For Beginners" By Ben Dover
"Homosexuality In Ireland" By Patrick Fitzgerald & Gerald Fitzpatrick
"Homosexuality In Scotland" By Ben Doone & Phil McCavitty
"How To Boast Successfully Vol.1" By Ivor Biggun
"How To Boast Successfully Vol.2" By Mike Oxlong
"How To Make An Igloo" By S. Keemo
"I Don't Believe you" By Paul D. Utherwan
"In The Lions Den" By Nora Bone
"Laying Carpets" By Walter Wall
"Leaving Things Until The Last Minute" By Justin Time
"Leaving Your Country" By Emma Grate
"Lion Tamer's Manual" By Claude Allovah
"Losing My Mind" By C. Nility
"Love In Old Mexico" By L. Rotten Crotcho
"Making Lots Of Money Easily" By Ivor Fortune
"Making Tons Of Money" By Millie O'naire
"Man Joins A Convent" By Farquar Loadanuns
"Mistakes We All Make" By General Error
"Mouth Of The River" By S. Tuary
"Moving House" By Ivor Newhome
"Old People's Mental Health" By C. Nile
"On The Rocks" By Mandy Lifeboat
"Out On Parole" By Freda Convict
"Pachyderms" By L. E. Fant
"Parachute Jumping" By Willie Maykit
"Performing '69' In Japan" By Tu Can Chu
"Premature Children In China" By Tai Nee Bai Be
"Problem Children" By Miss B. Haviour
"Riding Horses For Pleasure" By G. G. Canters
"Run For Your Lives" By Major Panic
"Russian Torture" By: Hugh Bitchacockov
"Rustle In The Bushes 1" By Izzie Honour
"Rustle In The Bushes 2" By Willie Gettit
"Rusty Bed Springs" By: I. P. Freely
"Sadistic Sex" By Nora Bone
"Sci-Fi Weapons" By Ray Gun
"Screams In The Night" By Claude Balls
"Set Fire To The Taxman" By Bernardette Collector
"Show Jumping" By Jim Carner
"Small Cars In Great Britain" By Minnie Driver
"Sneezing Fit" By A. Choo
"Solitude" By I. Malone
"Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child" By Corporal Punishment
"Speed Reading" By Paige Turner
"Spots On The Wall" By Hu Flung Poo
"Streams In The Desert" By I. P. Daily
"Teach Your Parrot To Talk" By L. O. Polly
"The Case Of The Stolen Chestnut" By Nick McConker
"The Cat's Revenge" By Claude Balls
"The Chinese Man With One Testicle" By Wot Went Wong
"The Chinese Paedophile" By Fuk M Yung
"The Chinese Youth" By Won Yung Gai
"The Dog's Dinner" By Nora Bone
"The Dripping Tap" By Lee King
"The Easy Lay" By Carmen Gettit
"The History Of Human Civilisation From 1 A.D. To Present Day" By Anne O'Domini
"The Inevitable Occurrence" By Sue Nora Layter
"The Largest Bra In The World" By Norma Stitz
"The Nagging Wife" By Mona Lott
"The Open Kimono" By Seymour Hair
"The Rich Person" By Millie O'Naire
"The Russian With Three Testicles" By Ooja Nikabolokov
"The Size Of My Penis" By Mike Oxlong
"The Thirsty Diner" By Phil McCuppup
"The Trail In The Sand" By Dick Draggin
"The Unhappy Customer" By Mona Lott
"The Worst Weekend In My Life" By Helen Back
"Thunder in the Night" By Henrietta Bean
"Tomcat's Revenge" By Claude Balls
"Trouble In Lancashire" By Igor Blimey
"Under The Grandstand" By Seymour Butts
"Viagra: What It Can Do For You" By Hugh G. Rection
"Weeds In My Garden" By Dan D. Lyon
"Weight Lifting" By Buster Gutt
"Where Did I Go Wrong?" By Major Mistake
"Wonderful Sex Life" By Mona Lott
"Wrist Exercises" By Wayne King
"Writing A Magazine Advice Column" By A. Guinea Arnt
"Yellow Flowing River" By I. P. Daily
"Yellow Snow" By I. P. Freely
"Zephyrs And Breezes" By Wynn D. Weather
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Oxymorons
Oxymorons
Or to put it simply—Two words combined that don't make sense. Or two words placed together that contradict each other.
Act Naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost Exactly
Alone Together
British Fashion
Business Ethics
Butt Head
Child Proof
Christian Scientists
Classic Rock
Clearly Misunderstood
Computer Jock
Computer Security
Definite maybe
Diet Ice-Cream
Exact Estimate
Extinct Life
Found Missing
Freewill Baptist
French People
Fresh Frozen
Funny Business
Genuine Imitation
Good Grief
Good Woman
Government Organisation
Happily Married
Hip-Hop Artist
Jumbo Shrimp
Legally Drunk
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Misinformation
New Classic
New York Culture
"Now, Then ..."
Passive Aggression
Peace Force
Plastic Glasses
Plastic Silverware
Political Science
Pop Art
Pretty Ugly
Rap Music
Religious Tolerance
Resident Alien
Riot Laws
Same Difference
Sanitary Landfill
Silent Scream
Small Crowd
Smart Ass
Soft rock
Software Documentation
Sweet Sorrow
Synthetic Natural Gas
Taped Live
Temporary Tax Increase
Terribly Pleased
Tight Slacks
Twelve-Ounce Pound Cake
Working Vacation
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Fifty People Swindled
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
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Gifts for Adam
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the Lord said.
Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
"The other is a sex organ. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now-intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "these are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
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Some Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well
Some Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well:
* Since his own recent messy divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
* Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
* The judge is seriously considering your spouse's request for custody of your immortal soul.
* Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.
* YOUR mother's name appears on your spouse's witness list.
* Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the collection of Wham! CD's.
* Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing "Safety Concerns."
* In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
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Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Sacked
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."
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Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.