Agosto de 2004
HOLY SMOKE!
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 1 Aug 2004
Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself."
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
Some Atheists in attendance didn't believe there was a fire.
The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire completely!!!!
A Man Goes to the Doctor
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 5 Aug 2004
COMENTARIO: La verdad es que hay gustos que merecen palos...
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?," said the doctor.
"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."
COMENTARIO: ¡COMO DUELE!
Name the Elements
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 5 Aug 2004
"Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher.
"There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire and...er...water... and—oh, yes—screwing."
The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?"
"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's really in his element."
COMENTARIO: ¿Qué es lo que yo siempre estoy diciendo? LOS ADULTOS (ESPECIALMENTE LOS PADRES) DEBEN TENER MUCHO CUIDADO CON LO QUE DICEN FRENTE A LOS NIÑOS. (¿Y todavía ustedes creen que la gente hace caso a este consejo?)
Good News, Bad News
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 6 Aug 2004
A doctor says to his patient Todd, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?," Thomas asks.
"The good news is I think you're cute."
COMENTARIO: ¡Oh, oh! ¡Oooh, oooh! ¡OOOOOOOOOOH, OOOOOOOOOOH! ¡Yo con ÉSE doctor no me atiendo, no way!
Left Without Paying
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Aug 2004
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The rotten guy ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"This fellow," the officer asks, "does he have any distinguishing features?"
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his hand."
Cenicienta
COLOCADO POR: vane
FECHA: 9 Aug 2004
Cenicienta tiene ahora 75 años y se encuentra al final de una feliz vida con su marido, el príncipe, que ya ha muerto. Pasa sus días en el porche de su casa, sentada en una mecedora, observando el mundo con su gato Bob sobre las rodillas, feliz.
Una bella tarde, de en medio de una nube, aparece de pronto el Hada Madrina. Cenicienta le pregunta:
- Querida Hada madrina, después de todos estos años, ¿qué haces aquí?
La madrina responde:
- Cenicienta, desde la última vez que nos vimos, has vivido una vida ejemplar. ¿Hay algo qué pueda hacer por tí? ¿Algún deseo qué te pueda conceder?
Cenicienta está confundida, alegre y roja de emoción. Después de pensar un poco, murmura:
- Me gustaría ser inmensamente rica.
En un instante, su vieja mecedora se vuelve de oro. Cenicienta está impresionada. Su fiel gato Bob se sobresalta y se aleja de la mecedora.
Cenicienta grita: ¡Gracias Madrina!
El Hada Madrina dice:
- No hay de qué. ¿Qué te gustaría como segundo deseo?
Cenicienta baja la cabeza, mira las huellas del tiempo en su cuerpo, y dice:
- Me gustaría ser joven y bella de nuevo.
Casi instantáneamente, ella se encuentra con su belleza de antaño. Cenicienta empieza entonces a sentir cosas de las que casi no se acordaba: apasionamiento, ardor, etc.
El Hada Madrina dice entonces:
- Te queda un último deseo. ¿Qué quieres?
Cenicienta mira a su pobre gato asustado y dice:
- Quiero que transformes a mi pobre gato en el más bello y apuesto joven.
Por arte de magia, Bob se transforma en un magnífico hombre, tan bello que los pájaros no pueden evitar dejar de volar y caer al suelo al mirarlo. El Hada Madrina dice:
- Felicidades, Cenicienta. Disfruta de tu nueva vida.
Y parte rápida como una centella.
Durante unos instantes mágicos, Cenicienta y Bob se miran tiernamente. Entonces Bob avanza hacia ella, la toma entre sus musculosos brazos y le murmura cálidamente al oído:
- ¿A que te arrepientes de haberme hecho castrar?
NOTA: Vea también Fairy Godmother.
Respuestas de Exámenes
COLOCADO POR: toyliao
FECHA: 15 Aug 2004
Este documento ha sido escrito por un profesor de la E.S.O. Consta de una serie de preguntas de examen y las correspondientes respuestas de los alumnos. LO MEJOR DE TODO ... LOS COMENTARIOS DEL PROFESOR!!! (Entre paréntesis). Ahí va eso:
1. Barroco: Estilo de casas hechas de barro. (Como su propio nombre indica.)
2. Lenguas vernáculas: Las que se hablan en las tabernas. (Aaah, por eso no me entero de lo que hablan cuando voy a una taberna, yo creía que era por el jaleo, pero resulta que se trata de un idioma nuevo.)
3. ¿Derivados de la leche?: La vaca. (Sí, la vaca deriva de la leche del toro.)
4. Estimulantes del sistema nervioso: El café, el tabaco y las mujeres. (Joder chaval, lo has clavao, y es que las mujeres te sacan de tus casillas...)
5. Alfarero: El que tiene un farol. (Farolero: el que hace cosas de barro, como por ejemplo cosas barrocas.)
6. Marsupiales: Los animales que llevan las tetas en una bolsa. (Estos marsupiales son unos degenerados.)
7. Polígono: Hombre con muchas mujeres. (Pentágono 5 mujeres, Hexágono 6 ... y así sucesivamente.)
8. Comentar algo del 2 de mayo: ¿De qué año? (Ahí, vacilando, que te los sabes todos desde 1576.)
9. Coleccionistas de sellos: Sifilíticos. (A saber por donde se meten los sellos los muy depravados, esos y los que coleccionan mariposas ... los peores.)
10. Ave Cesar morituri te salutan: Las aves de Cesar murieron por falta de salud. (Estos gladiadores ... ya decía yo que parecían algo maricas.)
11. Cogito, ergo sum: Le cogí lo suyo. (¿Y lo tenía grande?)
12. Ecosistemas: La tundra y la gaita. (No te olvides de las castañuelas.)
13. Derivados de la leche: El arroz con leche. (Derivados del arroz, la leche con arroz.)
14. Sujeto de la frase (elíptico): Epilíptico. (Y el pronombre tenía el Parkinson.)
15. El arte griego: Hacían botijos. (Siglos de Arte resumidos en una puta frase.)
16. Países que forman el Benelux: Bélgica, Luxemburgo y Neardental. (Hombre, los Holandeses tienen cara de simios pero no tanto.)
17. Cita organismos internacionales: La OJE, "Boyes Caos", USA, USS y UNI, Policía, bomberos, Socorristas y cruz roja, La ITT y la olimpiada de México, la OJE, FIFA, UEFA, EU, NASA y URSS. (Los "Boyes Caos" es que son universales.)
18. Pediatra: Medico de pies. (Convencido toda la vida que eran pederastas y no pediatras.)
19. Trabajo y energía: Trabajo es si cogemos una silla y la ponemos en otro sitio, energía es cuando la silla se levanta sola. (Y fuerza es cuando se rompe la silla.)
20. Ejemplos de nematoceros (mosquitos): El "buo", el "búho" real y el mochuelo. (Joder, si es que cada día hay mosquitos mas gordos, eso es por los pesticidas, fijo.)
21. Quevedo: ¡Era cojo!, pero de un solo pie. (Bufff, menos mal que nos lo has aclarado.)
22. Brisa del mar: Es una brisa húmeda y seca. (A la par que mojada y ausente de humedad.)
23. Un gusano que no sea la lombriz de tierra: La lombriz de mar. (Si es que se lo han puesto a huevo.)
24. Un marsupial: El chimpancé. (Sí, pero no cualquiera, sólo los que llevan las tetas en una bolsa.)
25. El oído interno: Consta de utrículo y dráculo. (Contra la ignorancia... imaginación.)
26. ¿Conoces algún vegetal sin flores?: Conozco. (Y como me vuelvas a preguntar algo te parto la cara.)
27. Moluscos: Son esos animales que se ven en los bares, por ejemplo el cangrejo. (Y los calamares, que crecen en bocadillos.)
28. El alantoides: Es una especie de rabo que tiene el pollo para respirar. (Si el pollo tiene rabo... ¿qué tiene la polla?)
29. Ejemplo de reptil: La serpiente "Putón". (Si es que las visten como guarras.)
30. Monotremas: Son mamíferos de forma humana, y son los monos. (Que quede claro.)
31. Reptiles: Son animales que se disuelven en el agua. Un reptil peligroso de España es el cocodrilo. (Al lado de mi casa hay una charca con un mazo de cocodrilos, plagaditos estamos en España, oye. Y sí, los cabrones se disuelven como aspirinas.)
32. Calamar: Se llama así porque cala los mares. (Elemental querido Watson.)
33. Movimientos del corazón: El corazón siempre está en movimiento, solo está parado en los cadaveres. (Joder, cuanta razón tienes.)
34. Volcanes: En Mallorca está el Teide. El agua de mar se solidifica y sale por el cráter. (Sí, ese que esta al lado de los Pirineos. Salen hasta pulpos en las erupciones.)
35. Terremotos: Son movimientos bruscos que se tragan a las personas. (No me gustaría encontrarme por la calle con un movimiento brusco de esos.)
36. Insectos: Son una especie de aves pequeñísimas. (Igual que los arácnidos, que son mamíferos de 8 patas.)
37. Arterias: Son unos tubitos de plástico flexibles. (Yo ya nací con marcapasos y todo.)
38. Mahoma: Nació en La Meca a los cinco años. (Ni te imaginas lo mal que lo pasó su madre al dar a luz, menudo cabezón tenía a los 5 años.)
39. Fósiles: Son unos señores muy antiguos. (En una excavación encontraron a un abuelo con boina solidificado). Son animales que se extraen de los grandes museos, como el de Madrid. (Si es que plantas un fósil y crecen en cualquier sitio.)
40. La Santísima Trinidad: Son el Padre, el Hijo y una Palomita que vive con ellos. (Sí, hasta le han puesto una jaula y todo, que bonito.)
41. ¿Qué, es una Encíclica?: Es un buque de hierro que flota en el mar. (Es como el Papamóvil pero en barco.)
42. Animales polares: Son la Osa mayor y la Osa menor. (No te olvides de la constelacion de Orión, menudo bicharraco.)
43. El sexto mandamiento: No fornicarás a tu padre y a tu madre. (Jodida iglesia, siempre amargando a la gente.)
44. Un cuadro de Velázquez: Las "mellizas". (Te equivocaste, se llama "Las Meninas".)
45. Minerales: Son animales sin vida. (Es verdad, ni se mueven ni na, son de aburridos estos animales...)
46. El voltio: Fue inventado por Voltaire. (Voltaire es Dios)
47. Dónde está el río San Lorenzo: En El Escorial. (Está allí guardadito.)
48. Qué es la hipotenusa: Lo que está entre los dos paletos. (Sí, entre el cenutrio y el pardillo.)
49. Peces: El caviar se hace con huevos de "centurión". (Están locos estos romanos, mira que poner huevas de pez.)
50. Dónde fue bautizado Jesucristo: En Río Janeiro. (Con Ronaldinho y Romario, menuda fiesta se pegaron.)
51. Napoleón: Está enterrado en "Los Paralíticos", en París. (Debe ser por lo de la mano tonta que tenía.)
52. Geografía: En Holanda, de cada cuatro habitantes, uno es vaca. (Las vacas hasta cotizan en la seguridad social, están muy avanzados.)
53. Religión: Caín mató a Abel con una molleja de burro. (Le costó, pero al final lo consiguió.)
54. El cerebelo: Es el fruto del cerebro. (Como mejor está es en zumo.)
55. Animales suptores: Son los que chupan, como el elefante. (Que le digan al elefante como la chupa la elefanta.)
56. Felipe II: Nació por poderes en Valladolid. (Por no decir por cojones.)
57. Quién inventó el pararrayos: Frankenstein. (Realidad y ficción ¿qué diferencia hay?)
58. Insectos: El paludismo es producido por la mosca "SS". (Jodidas moscas nazis.)
59. ¿Qué significa leucocito?: Como su nombre indica Leu significa animal, y cocito, pequeño. (Obviamente, hay que ser tonto para no darse cuenta.)
60. Partes del tronco: Ombligo, cintura y tetilla. (La tetilla es un órgano vital para el ser humano.)
61. Anfibios: De los huevos de rana salen unas larvas llamadas cachalotes. (Mmmmh, cachalotes en las charcas ... interesante.)
62. La piel: Es un vestido sin el cual no resistiríamos los porrazos, es además un muro de contención para que no se nos salgan las carnes. (Es que si se salen las carnes, todas las tripas desparramadas por ahí, que asco ¿no?)
63. Área del triángulo: Es igual a la cuarta parte de la mitad de su lado por la semisuma de la raíz cuadrada de tres. (Más la raíz cúbica del cuadrado de los paletos.)
64. ¿Quién fue Anibal?: Fue un jefe cartilaginoso. (Y cruzó con elefantes chupadores el Teide de Mallorca en medio de una erupción de agua solidificada.)
65. La conquista de Méjico: Fue realizada por dos extremeños: Menéndez y Pelayo. (¿No eran Rodríguez y Menéndez? ¿O tal vez Ortega y Gasset?)
66. Glaciar alpino: Se llama así porque arrastra muchos pinos. (Como mi bici de montaña, que arranca las montañas que no veas ... ¡¡FUAS!!)
Lo de los parentesis son las correciones por si alguien no se ha dado cuenta.
Esópica
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 9 Aug 2004
FABULA DE LA HORMIGA Y EL SALTAMONTES
Una hormiga y un saltamontes viven en el mismo campo. Durante el verano, la hormiga trabaja día y noche recogiendo alimento para el invierno y preparando su casa para estar caliente durante los meses fríos que se aproximan. Mientras tanto, el saltamontes, canta y revolotea, come toda la hierba que desea y tiene hijos y mas hijos. Llega el invierno, el pasto se muere y hace mucho frío. La hormiga está en su casa, bien alimentada y abrigada, pero el saltamontes que no se preparo para el invierno, se muere dejando un montón de crías, sin alimento ni refugio.
La moraleja de esta historia es que hay que trabajar duro para poder cuidar de sí mismo.
VERSION MEXICANA
La primera parte es igual, pero como la cosa ocurre en nuestro país surgen algunas complicaciones. Los descendientes del saltamontes, muertos de hambre, quieren saber por qué se permite que la hormiga esté caliente y bien alimentada, mientras ellos, que viven al lado, lo hacen en condiciones terribles, sin comida y sin suficiente ropa. Aparece el equipo de una estación de TV que graba y proyecta la situación de los pobres saltamontes, en contraste con la hormiga, en su confortable hogar y con la despensa llena de comida. El público queda estupefacto.
¿Como puede ser posible que en este bello campo se permita que sufran tanto los pobres saltamontes, mientras que la hormiga vive con tanto lujo?
En menos de lo que canta un gallo se forma la UMS (Unión Mexicana de Saltamontes). Acusan a la hormiga de "protección especial" y declaran a los saltamontes víctimas de treinta millones de años de opresión verde.
Realizan una manifestación de protesta frente a la casa de la hormiga y le llenan la calle de basura. El personal de la TV los entrevista y los miembros de la familia de saltamontes declaran que si sus exigencias no son satisfechas se verán obligados a vivir una vida de criminales. Sólo por práctica, asaltan al equipo del personal de la cadena de TV y le roban la Camioneta.
La CTR (Comisión para Tomar y Redistribuir) justifica su conducta diciendo que es legal debido a la discriminación y opresión de que han sido objeto los saltamontes por parte de la hormiga. Exigen que la hormiga se disculpe con los saltamontes por lo que le ha hecho y que les compense por todas las hormigas de la historia que han hecho lo mismo en contra de los saltamontes.
El PUCAMAS (El Pueblo Contra los Abusos y Maltrato a los Saltamontes) declara que va a iniciar una Guerra Santa. El Presidente aparece en el noticiero de las 8 a.m. y dice que hará todo lo que esté a su alcance en favor de los saltamontes, a los que se les ha negado la prosperidad que se merecen por quienes se han beneficiado injustamente durante todo el verano; y que inclusive hablara con su homólogo gringo, ya son muy amigos.
El gobierno decreta el DESIEVE (Decreto Sobre la Igualdad Económica de los Verdes Empobrecidos), retroactivo al comienzo del verano, por el cual se multa a la hormiga por no haber empleado una cantidad proporcional de insectos verdes, y como no le queda nada para pagar sus impuestos vencidos,el gobierno le confisca su casa para redistribuirla.
La historia termina cuando vemos al saltamontes comiéndose lo que queda de la comida de la hormiga mientras la casa que ocupa (que justamente es la antigua casa de la hormiga) se le cae encima porque no supo mantenerla.
En la TV (que él y un par de amigos se robaron de otra hormiga) aparece el Presidente ante un grupo de saltamontes que cantan y bailan frenéticamente, para anunciar que una nueva era de "igualdad" ha amanecido en el campo.
Mientras tanto, a la hormiga no se le permite trabajar porque, históricamente, se ha aprovechado del campo. En su lugar, diez saltamontes trabajan tan sólo 2 horas diarias y se roban la mitad de lo que llegan a cosechar. Cuando llega el invierno y no se ha cosechado suficiente alimento, se declaran en huelga y exigen un aumento de salario del 150% para poder comprar más comida, la cual, ahora, tiene que ser importada, ya que los saltamontes no son suficientemente productivos como para producir legalmente suficiente cantidad de alimentos.
La hormiga empaca sus cosas y emigra a otro campo, donde monta una exitosa compañía de alimentos y se hace millonaria vendiendo sus productos al campo de donde salió.
The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 10 Aug 2004
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
TODAY: Students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Each class begins with Show and Tell.
TODAY: Each class begins with Search and Frisk.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Tenth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
TODAY: Tenth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common- law wife.
Mosquitoes
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 11 Aug 2004
Three horny Mosquitoes named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking about who could screw the hottest lightning bug.
Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.
John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike's lightning bug.
Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his penis out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn't look happy.
Mike asks, "What's wrong, did she slap you?"
Chuck says, "No."
John asks, "Did she kick you?"
Chuck says, "No, I think she was a cigarette".
COMENTARIO: He aquí una muestra de que no todo lo que brilla es...
Important Issues
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 11 Aug 2004
All the politicians have been speaking out on what is the greatest issue of our time. John Kerry says the economy is the most important issue. Bush says it's the homeland security issue. And Clinton says it's the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Health warning
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 11 Aug 2004
The World Health Organization has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome), affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays.
More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence, uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing can also occur.
Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Alan, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.
Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.
There is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
COMENTARIO: 'Mano... lídel... ¿tú tiene una "pejeta" que me prejteh pa' completal pa' una fría?
La Nocturna
COLOCADO POR: Mitsui
FECHA: 17 Aug 2004
Dos obreros de la construcción conversan durante el almuerzo:
-¿Sabes quién es Miguel de Cervantes?
-Pues no...
-¡Qué tonto eres! Deberías ir a la nocturna.
Al día siguiente, el primero vuelve a preguntar:
-¿Sabes quién es Albert Einstein?
-Pues no...
-¡Qué tonto eres! Deberías ir a la nocturna.
Otra vez, siguiente día, el mismo obrero pregunta:
-¿Sabes quién es Karl Marx?
-Pues no...
-¡Qué tonto eres! Deberías ir a la nocturna.
Entonces el otro, ya harto, le dice:
-Y tú, ¿sabes quién es Pedro Toro?
-Pues no...
-¡Qué tonto eres! Es el tipo que se acuesta con tu mujer, mientras vas a la nocturna.
Difunto Gallego
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 20 Aug 2004
Paco era un gallego que tenía un gran amigo argentino, Juan. En un viaje que hiciera Paco a su tierra natal, sufrió un infarto y murió. Juan se entera y decide tomarse un avión e ir al funeral de su amigo en Galicia.
Al llegar al lugar donde estaban velando al muerto, Juan nota que junto al cajón se encuentra un tarro enorme lleno de crema facial y lo más curioso es que los dolientes, luego de darle el pésame a la madre de Paco, introducían la mano dentro del pote y luego procedían a embadurnarle la cara al difunto. Juan, por respeto, decide hacer lo mismo, pero fue tanta su curiosidad que se acerca cuidadosamente a la madre y en voz baja le pregunta:
- ¿Por qué los dolientes le están untando crema a Paco? ¿Fue por alguna petición especial o... es una tradición acá en Galicia?
La anciana lo mira llena de consternación y le contesta:
- ¡Joder..., hombre! ¡Es que Paco siempre quizo que lo cremasen!
COMENTARIO: ¡Caramba! Aquí, como que alguien no le entendió bien...
Olympic Ice-Skating
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 15 Aug 2004
COMENTARIO: Y ahora, con el permiso de NBC, Telemundo, USA Network, Bravo, et al., nos trasladamos a Atenas para ver qué está sucediendo en las Olimpiadas que están en progreso...
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain, 5.8; Russia, 5.9; United States, 5.5; Ireland, 6.0.
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain, 5.8; Russia, 5.5; United States, 5.9; Ireland, 6.0.
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain, 0.0; Russia, 0.0; United States, 0.0; Ireland, 6.0.
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."
Olympic Village
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 15 Aug 2004
Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, "Soviet Discus Team." The guard says "pass".
The second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, "East German Pole Vaulting Team." The guard says "pass".
The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, "Polish Fencing Team." "Pass..."
Hurricane Instructions for Those Living in Florida
FROM: Validator
DATE: 16 Aug 2004
COMENTARIO: Con el permiso de los alarmistas/exhibicionistas que cada vez que un ciclón tropical se asoma desde el África occidental, comiezan a lucirse haciendo pronósticos en la TV (¡y ellos/ellas saben quiénes son y a qué me refiero!), he aquí una lista de consejos prácticos para esta temporada de huracanes:
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
There is no need to panic.
We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
It is reasonably well-built, and
It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING your property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Need a Solution
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Aug 2004
A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form requesting an operation to make him sterile.
Under the heading "Reason for Requesting The Procedure" he wrote:
My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
Then a doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
Our neighbor, a nurse suggested we try the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
Then the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and hell it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real thing.
Jaimito
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 24 Aug 2004
Resulta que el hijo más pequeño de un matrimonio, Jaimito, encuentra al padre tirándose a la criada.
El nene fue y le contó a la madre lo que había visto. La madre se tragó el mal rollo y le dijo:
-No digas nada hasta que yo te avise.
Días más tarde vino el cumpleaños de la abuela y fueron a la fiesta todos los parientes, que eran como setenta. En lo mejor de la fiesta aparece la madre del niño y les dice a todos:
-Silencio por favor que Jaimito les va a contar una historia..
Todo el mundo esperaba alguna obrita de teatro, algún cuento infantil o algo parecido. Jaimito empieza diciendo:
-La semana pasada papá entró a la habitación donde estaba la criada limpiando y la abrazó, la besó, le quitó la ropa...
Todo el mundo se dió vuelta a mirar al padre que ya estaba más colorado que un tomate. El niño sigue contando:
-Después de quitarle la ropa, se quitó también él la ropa... Se acostaron y después papá le empezó a meter... a meter... la cosa esa... que no me acuerdo como se llama...
Y mirando a la madre, que tenía una cara de triunfo bárbara, le preguntó:
-Mamá, ¿cómo se llama esa cosa que siempre le chupas al vecino?
COMENTARIO: Otro ejemplo de por qué los adultos debemos tener cuidado con lo que decimos, y hasta LO QUE HACEMOS, frente a los niños... (Pero vean también arriba y más adelante...)
La Abuelita
COLOCADO POR: Mónika Barriga Cortés (Monikita Barriga, la machi)
FECHA: 26 Aug 2004
Cuando fui a comer hoy, observé esta señora, como de unos 78 u 83 años, sentada en una banca del parque y llorando desconsoladamente. Me acerqué y le pregunté que le pasaba.
Entre lágrimas y gemidos me contestó, "En casa tengo un marido de 22 años. Me hace el amor todas las mañanas. Se levanta y me hace un desayuno con panqueques, huevos revueltos, fruta fresca y café recién molido".
Un poco sorprendido, le dije, "Bueno, y entonces, ¿por qué está llorando?"
Y ella me contesta, "Me hace sopa casera para el almuerzo, mis galletas favoritas. Después, me hace el amor a media tarde".
Ya verdaderamente extrañado, insisto, "Eso está muy bien, pero, ¿por qué está llorando?"
"Y para la cena me hace comidas de gourmet, con vino y todo, encima, mi postre favorito. Y cuando terminamos de comer, me hace al amor hasta la madrugada. ¡¡Todas las noches!!"
"Pero, ¿qué tiene eso de malo, señora, por qué la hace llorar eso?"
Y la señora, en llanto incontenible, me dice "¡¡¡¡NO RECUERDO DONDE VIVO!!!!"
Setting Bad Examples!
FROM: infoman
DATE: 29 Aug 2004
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?," and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?," and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself. "Shit," he said. The kid came in and asked, "What's that mean?," and the man said it was the brand of shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself. "Fuck," she said. Once again the kid asked, "What's that mean?" The mom said that is what she calls "stuffing the turkey".
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said, "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
COMENTARIO: ¿Quieren ustedes mejor prueba que ésta, de por qué los adultos deben tener mucho cuidado con lo que dicen o hacen frente a los niños? ¡Nada más con el testigo!
Dear Tide
FROM: Ron B
DATE: 26 Aug 2004
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I have used it since I was married, when my mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better.
About a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and as usual I could not do anything right. One thing led to another, and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my new white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using the bargain detergent he made me buy, but it just would'd come out.
I made a quick trip to the supermarket to get a bottle of liquid TIDE with bleach. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out so well that the police detectives who came by yesterday told me that the dna test were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you once again for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go, must write a letter to the HEFTY BAG people they also have a very good product.
Sincerely,
A menopausal wife
COMENTARIO: Mejor no le pregunten a esta señora si cambiaría su botella de Tide™ líquido por otro detergente... ¡Sólo Dios sabe cómo ella reaccionaría!
Big Mistake
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 26 Aug 2004
A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain.
After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.
Whereby the doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen uterus; God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!"
COMENTARIO: ¡AY, YO NO PUEDO CREER ESTO! ¿QUIÉN DE LOS DOS SERÁ MÁS BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
Call 'Em All
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 28 Aug 2004
The Levitra ads say, "Although a rare occurrence with Levitra, men who experience an erection for more than four hours should call their physician."
Hell, I know some guys who, if they got a woody that lasted half the night, would call everyone else they knew, too.
COMENTARIO: Una erección que dure más de 4 horas, yo me imagino que eso se puede atender fácilmente... ¡pero AY del que tome la otra medicina que dura hasta 36 horas (Cialis)! ¡Eso SÍ que debe doler!
The Cop in the Park
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 28 Aug 2004
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away.
The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass."
Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here."
The Correct Way to Call the Police
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 29 Aug 2004
COMENTARIO: ¡Que alguien me diga si es o no es así!
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
¿Sabías que...?
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 31 Aug 2004
-¿Sabías que la velocidad de la luz es mayor que la del sonido?
-Por eso tantas personas parecen brillantes hasta que empiezan a hablar...
COMENTARIO: Esto es lo que yo SIEMPRE estoy diciendo...
Chiste de Transportes
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 31 Aug 2004
Un tren esta viajando tranquilamente cuando de repente se oyen unos ruidos infernales y los vagones empiezan a oscilar salvajemente; todos los pasajeros, víctimas del pánico, se ponen a gritar histéricamente hasta que el tren se detiene. Entonces uno de los viajeros se asoma a la ventana, ve al conductor del tren bajándose de la máquina, y le pregunta:
- ¿Oiga, que ha pasado?
- Nada, que hemos arrollado una vaca.
- ¿Y tanto ruido por eso?
- Es que hemos descarrilado y la hemos matado dentro de un granero...
COMENTARIO: ¿Así de mal conducen ese tren? ¡OJALÁ que al individuo no lo contraten para conducir el Tren Urbano de San Juan (el día que lo acaben de inaugurar de una buena vez)!
Review of "Open Water"
FROM: Johann S.
DATE: 30 Aug 2004
COMENTARIO: En nuestro empeño por el enrriquecimiento cultural de nuestros lectores, en LDB News hacemos todos los esfuerzos posibles para contar con los más serios y experimentados críticos de cine... Lamentablemente, ninguno estuvo disponible... y nos tuvimos que resolver con lo que sigue:
Subject: Review of "Open Water"
From: "jim frei" <jdfrei@zxearthlink.zxnet>
Newsgroups: rec.scuba
A group of folks from Capitol Area Divers (CAD) went to see the movie "Open Water" last weekend. Here's a review:
A Review by Barzie and Russ
R - So, Barzie, tell me, what did you think of the movie Open Water?
B - The movie sucked period. The picture quality was terrible. If it weren't for the CADs group humor and laughing, it would have really sucked!
R - I don't know. It had some scary moments, like the scene where she only wanted to talk.
B - Yeah, I thought the movie was going to go somewhere with a little action the night before the dive with a breast shot... I mean, really, what divers do NOT do it the night before or the morning of. But she wasn't in the mood, she only wanted to talk and he didn't. Does this ever really happen? It's never happened to me.
R - I'm not sure it's ever happened to me either, but I've heard others have had problems with women wanting to talk. The boat scenes were pretty cool. They did a nice job of showing all the excitement and hub-bub that goes on before a dive. And the briefing by the dive master was outstanding, very realistic. A single dive to 60 feet for 30 minutes. That's why I pay big bucks to travel half-way around the world to dive.
B - The guy who forgot to pack a mask but demanded to dive anyway was spot-on. I've dove with him many times before. But throughout the scene I couldn't help but think something wasn't right. It wasn't until later that I realized there were no tanks falling over, no regulators free flowing, no one chumming over the side of the boat.
R - They did have nice rental gear.
B - What!? No scooters, no full face masks. These people were barbarians, not properly equipped divers.
R - Now you have to admit that once they were "at sea" things picked up. The dialog became more believable, the acting improved, the cinematography improved, everything just got better. Take the dialog for example:
"Daniel, did you just pee?"
"You said you were cold."
B - Weren't they wearing wetsuits?
R - Yeah, so what. Haven't you ever peed in your wetsuit?
B - All the time, I'm just wondering how she felt it. Anyhow, as the two spent some quality time in the water, we learn that it's all his fault. She wanted to swim to one of the other boats and he didn't. Me personally, I would have swam. But they didn't. She wanted to go snow skiing not on some damn dive trip. So there again it was all his fault. He always wants to dive away from the group and come up at the last minute. It was all his fault.
R - It was also cool to watch these "dive veterans" pet the nurse shark, AKA giant catfish. Do you know how the nurse shark got its name? Because it makes a suckling sound when it bites your arm off.
B - Yes, feeding time. Finally, the sharks decide to nibble while she was sleeping. And just like him the night before, the sharks didn't get any from her either. But the sharks did get some of him; a little leg that is. Blood is everywhere, sharks are coming from all directions. It's like shark week on the Discovery Channel. Teeth gnashing, sinews ripped from the bone, screams of pain—and that was just Allison grabbing my arm.
R - For me, the highlight was when she offered herself as a sacrifice to the sharks.
B - Why is that?
R - Because I could leave then. All in all, I give Open Water (the movie, not the class) a quarter inflated safety sausage. Perhaps if she had been in the mood I could have gone with a half inflated safety sausage.
COMENTARIO: Y yo creo que a esta reseña le voy a dar cinco cinturones de pesas... ¡para que estos dos "críticos de cine" se acaben de hundir!
Government Pipe Specifications
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 31 Aug 2004
Government Pipe Specifications
All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter)—otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
All pipe should be supplied without rust—this can be more readily applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads—otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
COMENTARIO: La verdad es que hay que ser bien... BRUTO... para no seguir estas especificaciones.
$50,000 Question
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 31 Aug 2004
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence—the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
COMENTARIO: Pido "Errores, Horrores y Tremendas Metidas de Pata" por $10,000, Alex...
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.