Septiembre de 2007
Entrega de infantes
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 3 Sep 2007
Tres cigüeñas van volando y una pregunta a otra...
-¿Para dónde vas?
Esta contesta:
-Voy a casa de un matrimonio que tiene 10 años tratando de tener un hijo y aquí le llevo uno.
-¡Qué bueno!-, le dice la cigueña que preguntó a la vez que le dice: -"yo voy a casa de una señora mayor que nunca tuvo hijos y aquí le llevo un lindo varoncito."
La otra le contesta:
-"La vas a hacer muy felíz".
En eso, las dos le preguntan a la tercera cigueña:
-"Y tu, ¿para dónde vas?"
-¿Yo?...al Convento de las monjitas.... Nunca les llevo nada... pero siempre les doy un susto de la chingada.
Las mujeres tambien dicen piropos
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 4 Sep 2007
POR SI PENSABAN QUE EL LENGUAJE ALBAÑILESCO ERA EXCLUSIVO DE LOS HOMBRES, PUES NO... ¡TAMBIÉN LAS MUJERES TIRAN MEZCLA...!
1.-Güero yo te encuero
2.-Con esos cojones si me quito los calzones
3.-Esos huevos si están para estrellarlos
4.-De que juguetería saliste... muñeco
5.-Amor, si amarte fuera trabajo no existiría el desempleo
6.-Papacito, debo de estar muerta por que estoy viendo angelitos
7.-Acabo de encontrar al padre de mis hijos
8.-Te estudio o te trabajo?
9.-Bonitos pantalones, se verían muy bien en el suelo de mi cuarto.
10.-Con ese pajarito, ¡¡hasta yo canto!!
11.-¡¡Con esa macana deberías ser policía!!
12.-Hey suegra présteme un estropajo, para bañar a su hijo del ombligo para abajo...
13.-Tu mama ha de ser repostera porque hace cada bomboncito....
14.-Ojalá fuéramos elefantes para caminar amarrándote la trompa con mi cola
15.-Quien fuera bizca para verte dos veces
16.-Mi rey, ¿jugamos a la basurita? Yo me tiro al piso y tu me recoges
17.-Quien fuera reloj para ser dueña de tu tiempo
18.-Que se le ponen a los frijoles??? e..!!!PAZOTE!!!
19.-Hijo de Apache? !!!A...PACHITO!!!
20.-Con esos brazos me gustaría ser conejo
21.-Eres como el oso mientras mas peludo mas hermoso
22.-Quien fuera tu mano para poderte subir y bajar el zipper papacito
23.-Papito préstame a tu sargento que yo te lo hago mayor
24.-Cosita necesito tu llave para mi candado
25.-Rey si así esta el camino ya me imagino el carro
26.-Mi rey, ¿como caminan las tortugas? ... ... a pasito, a pasito.
27.-Papito, tu cosita se debería de llamar Bill Gates.....por que es asquerosamente rico.
28.-Adentro la verdura y arriba tu figura...
29.-Yo tan mojada y tu con tremendo paraguas...
COMENTARIO: "Con permisito", dijo Luisito, me voy por este caminito...
Caridad
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 12 Sep 2007
Regresando del trabajo, el marido encuentra a su esposa en la cama con un jovencito.
El marido comienza a hacer un tremendo escándalo y cuando estaba listo para derrumbar la casa, la mujer lo interrumpe:
-Antes de hacer locuras tienes que oir cómo fue que pasó esto:
Yo estaba regresando a casa cuando vi a este joven que parecía cansado, con hambre y harapiento. Entonces lo traje a la casa y le dí la comida que te preparé ayer y que tú no quisiste comer porque ya habías cenado con tus amigos.
El estaba descalzo y entonces le dí aquél par de zapatos que todavía están nuevos y que tú no quieres usar porque te los regaló mi mamá.
También tenía mucho frío y yo le dí el sweater que te compré para tu cumpleaños y que no usas porque no es tu estilo.
Sus pantalones estaban rotos, entonces le di tus jeans que estaban en perfecto estado pero que ya no usas porque no te entran.
Como estaba sucio, le aconsejé que se diera un baño y aproveché para darle aquella loción que te traje de Francia que tu nunca usaste porque te daba alergia.
Ahh y cuando él ya se iba, me preguntó: -"¿Tiene usted alguna otra cosa que su marido ya no use?"
Y SE LA DI.......
COMENTARIO: ¡Eso es lo que yo llamo "generosidad"!
(NOTA: Para la versión de la esposa que sorprende a su esposo, vea Falta de Uso.)
2 borrachitos
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 15 Sep 2007
Estaban dos borrachitos en un bar cuando ya estaba por cerrar:
-Oye compa, ¿Por qué no vamos a mi casa para seguir chupando?
-No, mejor vamos a la mia que es aqui cerquita.
-No compa, la mia es mas cerquita.
-A ver, vamos, a ver cual es mas cerca.
Y se van. Llegando a la esquina se detienen y uno le dice al otro:
-Ya llegamos compa, esta es mi casa.
Y el otro le dice:
-No puede ser, compa, esta es mi casa.
-No te creo, es la mia.
-A ver, tocaremos la puerta asi sabremos de quien es.
Tocan la puerta, sale la dueña, y les dice:
-¡Que bonito, que bonito, padre e hijo borrachos!
Nuevas patentes
COLOCADO POR: Pelicano
FECHA: 22 Sep 2007
Encontré muy cómico ver hoy un auto con patente nueva: BB KK 77.
¿No iban a evitar estas cosas?
COMENTARIO: Si eso es así en Chile—donde llaman "patente" a lo que en Puerto Rico llamamos "tablilla"—imagínense el dilema de los automovilistas puertorriqueños cuyos autos llevan tablillas de la serie "CUL"... ¡especialmente los primeros 100 números de esa serie (del 000 al 099)!
Una semana vigorizante
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 17 Sep 2007
Querido diario...
Ahora que acabo de cumplir 40 años, mi esposo (tan divino él) decidió regalarme un cupón válido por una semana de entrenamiento personal en un buen gimnasio local. Independientemente de que yo esté en excelente forma, decidí que era una buena idea para ver si se detiene ese proceso de nalgas caídas que a todas nos ataca.
Llamé al GYM e hice mi reservación con un entrenador personal llamado Bruce, quien se auto-describió como un instructor de aerobios de 26 años y modelo de trajes de baño y ropa deportiva. Mi esposo se mostró contento de mi entusiasmo por comenzar de una vez.
Bueno, el GYM me recomendó que llevara un diario para ir marcando mi progreso, así que aquí les va ...
Lunes. Comencé mi día a las 6:00 A.M. Bastante difícil levantarse de la cama a esa hora pero todo cambió cuando llegué al gimnasio y vi que Bruce me estaba esperando. Parecía un dios griego—rubio, ojos pispiretos y una gran sonrisa—¡¡¡Wow!!!. Bruce me dio un tour y me mostró los aparatos, Me tomó el pulso después de 5 minutos en la caminadora. Se alarmó de que mi pulso estuviera tan acelerado pero yo se lo atribuí a que estaba él junto a mi en su vestimenta de licra. Disfruté bastante verlo dando su clase de aeróbicos, después de terminar mi día de ejercicio, bastante inspirador. Bruce me estaba motivando cuando hacía yo mis sentadillas, con todo y que ya me dolía la panza por meterla cada que Bruce pasaba junto a mi... esta será una semana...... ¡A TODÍSIMA MADRE CON ESTE CUERITO!
Martes. Me tomé dos jarras de café, pero finalmente logré salir de la puerta de mi casa. Bruce hizo que me recostara boca arriba y me puso a levantar una pesada barra de metal, y después se atrevió a ponerle ¡¡¡pesas!!!. Mis piernas estaban un poco debilitadas en la caminadora pero logré completar ¡TODO UN KILÓMETRO!. La aprobadora sonrisa de Bruce hizo que todo valiera la pena...¡me sentía fantástica!... era una nueva vida para mí. ¡¡¡Yo de aquí soy, me cae que sí!!!
Miércoles. La única manera con la que conseguí lavarme los dientes fue poniendo el cepillo sobre el lavabo y moviendo la cabeza a los lados encima de él. Creo que tengo una hernia en los pectorales. Manejar no fue tan difícil, sólo al frenar y al darle vueltas al volante. Me estacioné encima de un Vocho. Bruce se estaba impacientando conmigo diciéndome que mis gritos molestaban a los demás miembros del club. Su voz suena un poco aguda para esas horas de la mañana y cuando grita se vuelve nasal y es muy molesta. Me duelen las chichis cuando me subo a la caminadora, así que Bruce me subió a la escaladora. ¿¿¿Porqué madres alguien inventó una' máquina para realizar una actividad que se ha vuelto obsoleta con los elevadores??? Bruce me dijo que me ayudaría a ponerme en forma y a disfrutar la vida, otra de sus tantas pendejadas... ¡¡se jura el güey
Jueves. Bruce me estaba esperando con sus pinches dientes de vampiro y con su sonrisita estilo Jack Nicholson en Batman. No pude evitar llegar media hora tarde, fue el tiempo que me tomó ponerme los zapatos. El pinche Bruce me puso a trabajar con las argollas pero, cuando se distrajo, salí corriendo a esconderme en el baño de hombres. Mandó a otro entrenador a buscarme y como castigo, me puso a trabajaren la máquina remadora...........me hundíiííí.
Viernes. Odio al hijo de puta de Bruce más que a cualquier otro ser humano haya odiado a otro ser humano en la historia del mundo. Estúpido, famélico, anémico, pinche chaparro porrista. Si hubiese una parte de mi cuerpo que pudiese mover sin un dolor desesperante le rompería toda su puta madre. Bruce quiso que trabajara en mis tríceps..¡NO TENGO TRÍCEPS!...y si no quiere que dañe el piso o lo rompa, que no me pase las putas barras o cualquier otra cosa que pese más que un sándwich..........la caminadora me hizo desmayarme y desperté en la cama de una nutrióloga, una pinche flaca que me dio una cátedra de alimentación sana, ¡claro! esa pendeja no sabe lo que es chingarse a dieta. ¿Porqué no me pudo tocar alguien más tranquilo como un maestro de costura o un estilista?
Sábado. El pinche Bruce me dejó un mensaje en mi contestadora con su pinche vocecita de puto preguntándome que porque no fui hoy. El sólo hecho de escucharlo me dieron ganas de agarrar a chingadazos la contestadora, pero no tenía las fuerzas suficientes ni para alzarla, incluso ni para levantar el control remoto de la tele, así que me aventé 11 horas seguidas viendo el maldito National Geographic... puro pinche chango cogiendo y brincando de rama en rama.
Domingo. Le pedí a la camioneta de la iglesia que me fuera a recoger para poder ir a la misa de hoy y agradecerle a Dios que esta semana haya terminado. También recé porque el año que entra, a mi marido, ese pinche bastardo, me hiciera otro regalito más divertido, como una endodoncia, una histerectomía, o mínimo una mamoplastia.
Dumb Assess
COLOCADO POR: no_one
FECHA: 1 Sep 2007
Speaking of attempts to make dumb & dumber look like a Mensa convention.....
New York: Two men decide to rob a bank using their junkheap of a car for a getaway vehicle. They had spray-painted: "FOR SALE 555-5555" (with their phone number) on the side of the car in an effort to sell the heap.
Long Beach, CA: Several employees of a large (un-named) aerospace company decide to rob a bank on their lunch hour (Figuring that the police would never look for them at the plant). Of course, they forgot to remove their ID badges while they were robbing the bank!
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled—leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does—backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check—a forged check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head—and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole—are you ready for this?—the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Oklahoma): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled—leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
(Location Unknown): A man decided to rob a bank. He handed a note to the teller and told her to fill up a bag with the money. After receiving the loot, he decided that the bag was too bulky to carry out of the bank without attracting attention. So, he filled out a deposit slip, and had the teller deposit the money into his bank account.
COMENTARIO: ¡Ya quisiéramos que todos los delincuentes en Puerto Rico fueran así de brutos! (Una pena que no tengamos esa suerte...)
Why Women Lie
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 6 Sep 2007
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
The Yeti
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Sep 2007
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:
"Tag! You're it!"
COMENTARIO: ¿Con que eso era? El animal lo que quería era jugar a "¡Te Agarré!" Pues yo creo que al explorador no fue a quien único agarraron aquí...
Poison Mushrooms
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Sep 2007
Sam met his friend Morris on the street. "Morris," he said, "I haven't
seen you in years. You look terrible—what's happened?"
"You won't believe," said Morris. I got married three times in the last three years and buried three wives!"
"How terrible, Morris, how tragic," Sam said. "What happened?"
"Three years ago, I married this rich widow, and she died a month later after eating poison mushrooms. A year later, I met this wealthy divorcee, and she died a month after we married, again from poison mushrooms. Then last year, I married again, and a month later, she died."
"Don't tell me," Sam said. "Poison mushrooms."
"No, a fractured skull," said Morris. "She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."
COMENTARIO: ¡Ah qué bonito!
The Nightie
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Sep 2007
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
COMENTARIO: No es por alabarlos a todos ellos, pero ¡qué classe 'e beeeeeeeeeestiaaaaaaaaaas!
The Honeymoon Advice
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 7 Sep 2007
Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the local Romeo. "Just relax, Bob," counseled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm, just do like the dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night.
"He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make love . . . He just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Total! Él lo hizo como le aconsejaron, ¿no? ¿O será que el muchacho es más beeeeeeeeeestiaaaaaaaaaa que los del chiste anterior?
What your car says about you
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 7 Sep 2007
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.
Prostate Problem
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Sep 2007
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, an acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here Fred?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know, I pee like you talk."
COMENTARIO: ¡Oh, así se entiende fácilmente!
The Therapist
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 11 Sep 2007
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I golf."
COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, caray! Así cualquiera se somete a una terapia conyugal. Y lo peor es que el muy... bestia... ¡se quedó como si la cosa no fuera con él!
Florida's Old Sparky
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 14 Sep 2007
On a given night, 2 deathrow inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on Old Sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers to the other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guards, "What is all this screaming about?"
"Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first execution 'by candles'".
COMENTARIO: ¡Un momentito! Y los verdugos, ¿serían los mismos que cuando lo del reo boricua que fue ejecutado en diciembre pasado? No me sorprendería si fuese así...
Peaches For Sale
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 14 Sep 2007
He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
COMENTARIO: Y a mí también se me están saliendo las lágrimas... ¡por no ser ese vendedor de melocotones!
Baptist Dog...
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 18 Sep 2007
Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
COMENTARIO: Después de ese acto de "sanación", me imagino que lo próximo sea que el perro encabece un servicio religioso en el cual se ponga a caminar de lado a lado por el altar, mientras repite como Yiye Ávila... "¡Alábalo, que vive!"
Just out of jail
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 21 Sep 2007
Herbie limped into the club to have a few beers with his mates.
"What's wrong, Herbie? You're looking a bit pale", said one.
"Well", said Herbie, looking a bit embarrassed, "I've been in jail for six months after being charged with rape."
"But, mate! You're eighty five!"
"That's the problem", said Herbie. "I pleaded guilty and I got six months for perjury!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Nada más con el testigo!
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 22 Sep 2007
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk
= = = =
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter.
COMENTARIO: Yo me imagino que a Walter no le interesa saber si el esposo de la señora Lusk se vería más sexy con tacos de 4 pulgadas...
A night at the hotel
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 28 Sep 2007
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
COMENTARIO: OK, razón más que suficiente para cambiar la habitación...
Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 30 Sep 2007
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad, "the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
Created on September 2, 2007. Last updated on September 30, 2007. Modified on April 10, 2009. © 2007–2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.