Agosto de 2005

Invento para el baño
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 1 Aug 2005

Se encuentran dos amigos en un semáforo, uno estaba apoyado sobre su pierna sujetándose para no caerse de la bicicleta.  Cuando lo ve su amigo que estaba también esperando el semáforo no lo podia creer, baja la ventanilla de su flamante Mercedez Benz:

- Hey Jorge! cómo andás tanto tiempo, hace como 20 años que no te veo.  Pará loco, vamos a tomarnos un cafecito.

Así que se estacionan Jorge con su humilde bicicleta, y su amigo que evidentemente le había ido muy bien.

- Decime Jorge, que es de tu vida, contate algo.

- Bueno mira, como ves estoy acá, nada nuevo, luchando con la economía, pero decime a vos si aparentemente te va de maravillas, contame como hiciste tanta guita, porque veo que tenés pilcha de primera, un espectacular coche, ¿cómo hiciste?, un Rolex en la muñeca, contame un poco.

- Bueno, te cuento, total a esta altura no es ningún secreto, sabés que fabriqué una maquinita para los baños públicos. ¿que cómo es eso?  Fijate, cuando vos entrás a los baños públicos, ponés una monedita de 50 pesos y entonces sale una manito del aparato que te baja la braqueta, te saca la pija, meás, te la sacude, la vuelve a poner adentro, y te cierra la bragueta.  Y con eso puse esas máquinas por todo lados y me llené de guita.

Ahora no necesito trabajar más.

- Y decime, ¿no te queda una maquinita de esas para darme?

- Bueno, sí tengo, pero pasa que ya no es novedad.

- Dale no importa, dame una que quiero probar.

- Bueno, con una sola no puedo perder y para eso somos amigos.

Pasan un años, se da la misma situación, se encuentran otra vez los dos amigos en un estacionamiento de un lujoso hotel.  Con gran sorpresa el amigo ve que Jorge se baja de una limousina a todo lujo, y no pudiendo con la curiosidad y asombrado por el gran cambio de este, se aproxima a Jorge y le pregunta:

- Pero Jorge ¿como hiciste para que ocurra este gran cambio?

- Bueno, ¿te acordás la maquinita que me regalaste?, la perfeccioné.  Ahora es lo mismo que la tuya pero mejor.

- ¿Cómo es eso?

- ¿Te acordás que tu maquinita te bajaba la bragueta, te sacaba la pija, meabas, te la sacudía y te la guardaba nuevamente?

- Sí.

- Bue, yo hice lo mismo, solo que cuando terminás de mear, la mía te la sacude, y cuando la está por poner adentro de la bragueta nuevamente, sale otra mano que te agarra los huevos, y de dice: SI NO PONES $100, TE ARRANCO LOS HUEVOS.

PREGUNTA PREGUNTATIVA: Si con esa máquina, estos dos individuos se pueden hacer ricos fácilmente, ¿no sería una buena idea ponerla en los baños de los ejecutivos bancarios e industriales, o en los de los legisladores?  Quién quita que ello nos ayude a salir de la actual crisis económica que vive el país...

Falta de Uso
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 4 Aug 2005

La esposa llega a la casa después de un día de compras y se horroriza al encontrar a su marido, desnudo en la cama, con una chica monísima.

Cuando está a punto de marcharse de la casa el esposo la detiene diciéndole:

- Querida, por favor, déjame explicarte.

Ella se queda y el continúa:

- Estaba conduciendo por la carretera y vi a esta joven que parecía muy cansada, por lo que le ofrecí llevarla.  También tenía hambre, por lo que la traje a casa y le preparé una comida con el roast-beef del refrigerador que no te gustó.  Llevaba puestas unas sandalias muy gastadas, así que le di un par de tus zapatos que habías descartado simplemente por no estar más de moda.  Tenía frío, por lo que le di el jersey que te compré para tu cumpleaños y que nunca te pusiste porque los colores no te combinaban.  Sus pantalones estaban muy rotos así que le di unos tuyos que estaban en perfecto estado, pero que no te entran ya.

La esposa no tiene problemas con la explicación, pero quere que le respondan a una pregunta más:

- Está todo muy bien, estoy satisfecha con tu explicación, pero ¿por qué os he encontrado a los dos desnudos en nuestra cama?

El esposo contesta:

- Bueno, eso es fácil...  Verás, cuando esta chica estaba a punto de salir de la casa dio media vuelta y me preguntó:

- ¿Hay alguna otra cosa que tu esposa no use ya?

(NOTA AÑADIDA EL 16 DE SEPTIEMBRE DE 2007: Para la versión en la que el esposo que sorprende a su esposa, vea Caridad.)

3 Elefantes
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez Meda)
FECHA: 8 Aug 2005

Estaban 3 elefantes en la sabana africana tirados en el suelo muriéndose de calor.  El termometro marcaba 46 grados.

El primero le dice a los otros 2 :

- ¡¡Uuta!!  Me gustaría tener una trompa mucho más larga.

Le contestan los otros - ¿para qué? -

- Pues para poder tomar agua desde aquí.

Dice el segundo:

- A mí me gustaría tener las orejas mucho más grandes.

Le preguntan los otros: ¿para qué?

- Pues para agitarlas y refrescarme más.

Llega el último y dice:

- A mí me gustaría tener unas pestañotas

Le preguntan los otros: - ¿pestañotas? ¿para qué?

Y dice el elefante:

- Nomás, por puto

No apurarse a hablar
COLOCADO POR: Hickmann Moraga
FECHA: 26 Aug 2005

Un tipo estaba esperando en la cola de un supermercado, y ahí, por el fondo ve que una rubia, pulposa, divina, lo mira, le echa una sonrisita y lo saluda.

El flaco se queda pensando... ¿¿me estará saludando a mi??  ¿¿De dónde carajo es esta mina??

Él la ve familiar y le pregunta:

- ¿Perdón, nos conocemos?

- Así lo creo - le contesta -, ¡tu eres el padre de uno de mis niños!...

Ahí el tipo se empieza volver loco, a esta altura de su vida estaba casado, con tres hijos, que venga una desconocida a decirle esto... balde de agua fría...

De repente, se le aparece el recuerdo de la única noche que le fue infiel a su mujer.  Resignado y un poco confundido le dice:

- No te puedo creer que eres la tipa que hizo el streap tease en una fiesta que me hicieron los amigos hace unos años... a quien subí a la mesa de billar y le di por todos lados (bajo la atenta mirada de todos mis amigos) mientras tu compañera me envaselinaba y me metía un aparato por atras, ¡¡¡¡¡que noche, dios mío!!!!!,  ¿¿¡¡Eres esa, no?!!??

A lo cual ella contesta:

- No... soy la Profesora de Inglés de tu hijo.-

COMENTARIO: Vea también Ego vs. Memory.

En la consulta del psiquiatra
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 29 Aug 2005

En la consulta del psiquiatra:

- Señora, en la próxima consulta será importante que analicemos el inconsciente.

- Doctor, va a ser difícil que el desgraciado de mi marido quiera venir conmigo.

The Wooden Bowl
FROM: Ron Ablang
DATE: 2 Aug 2005

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson.  The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table.  But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.  Peas rolled off his spoon and onto the floor.  When he grasped the glass milk spilled on the tablecloth.  The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about Grandfather", said the son.  "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."  So the husband and wife set a small in the corner.  There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.  When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he had dropped a fork or spilled food.  The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.  He asked the child curiously, "What are you making?"

Sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."  The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.  Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.  Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.  For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.  And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, when milk was spilled, or when the tablecloth was soiled.

COMENTARIO: Porque a su debido tiempo, TODOS pasaremos por lo mismo...

LATEST JOKE!
FROM: cent888[AT]hotmail.com
DATE: 4 Aug 2005

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them.  "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside.  He handed me three envelopes.  'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes.  After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.  Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?," her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.'  So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral'.  I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?," asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...

"So, do you like my stone?," showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

COMENTARIO: Y seguramente, Sidney estará revolviéndose en su sepulcro...

The Temperance Sermon
FROM: Geoffrey Kidd
DATE: 5 Aug 2005

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.  With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

COMENTARIO: Pues espérenme, hermanos y hermanas, que yo también voy pa'llá...

Three Nuns
FROM: Otto
DATE: 6 Aug 2005

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex.  Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute.  Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.  Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

COMENTARIO: ¿Acaso no será que la monja número 3, APARENTE Y ALEGADAMENTE tenía el aspecto de una conocida muñeca de trapo y goma espumosa que se dedica a contar chismes en la televisión?  ¿HE MENCIONADO NOMBRE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

The Many Meanings of PMS
FROM: A-1
DATE: 10 Aug 2005

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

...and my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que mejor me callo, para no "calentarme"...

The Redneck
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 15 Aug 2005

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.  "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner.  "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"

"You betcha, Sam.  Ain't no 'tother way.  Why?"

"Got something to show you.  Something to make fire.  It's called a 'Match'."

"'Match'?  Never heard of it."

"Watch this.  If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."

"Huh.  Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."

"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."

COMENTARIO: ¡Adió' caraj!  No hago más que irme de viaje y cuando regreso, veo que aquí está el bruto "que hace orilla"...

BEST Out of Office Messages
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 15 Aug 2005

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.  Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.  Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email.  Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.  Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...  You are currently in 352^nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.  When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.

Playing with the Dog
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 16 Aug 2005

The veterinarian told Judy that her dog needed a lot more exercise.  "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.  Try playing a game of fetch the ball."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the Judy said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

COMENTARIO: Definitivamente, otro caso para archivar bajo la categoría de... "¿Quién de los Dos Es Más Animal?"

Lost Pen
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 16 Aug 2005

A doctor walked into a bank.  Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.  Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,

"Well.  That's just great... some asshole's got my pen."

PREGUNTA QUE ME HAGO: ¿Y si el instrumento en cuestión es una pluma fuente de las que se les chorrea la tinta cuando uno se la pone en el bolsillo de la camisa, ah?

Mental Asylum
FROM: Larry & Carol
DATE: 28 Aug 2005

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?

or

2. Would you use the teacup?

or

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.  "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."

"Noooooo," answered the Director.  "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)

COMENTARIO: Ah, pues yo tampoco voy a decir cómo salí en esta prueba...

The Nursing Home
FROM: Me
DATE: 23 Aug 2005

An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.  All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they ended up putting him in a Jewish home.  After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?," asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful!  Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you.  We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here—he's 85-years old.  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

"And there's a physician here—90 years old.  He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab!'"

COMENTARIO: Caramba, este señor de la Tercera Edad, ¿será ciego también?

Toothbrush Salesman
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 23 Aug 2005

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job.  He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job.  So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him.  The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales.  Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush.  That's not enough"

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes.  He ends up selling two toothbrushes.  So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip."  A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."

And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

COMENTARIO: Pues yo lo lamento, pero aunque el individuo sea capaz de venderle un refrigerador a un esquimal... ¡ni p'allá voy a mirar!

Bridge Player
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 23 Aug 2005

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him.  She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom—only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!," he exclaimed.  "Did you lose everything?"

Pretty Normal
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 24 Aug 2005

A woman went to see her psychiatrist.  "I'm really concerned," she said.  "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled.  "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me.  It worries my daughter's husband too."

COMENTARIO: Oh, oh...  Ooh, ooh...  OOOOOh, OOOOOh...

Prenuptial Sex
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 29 Aug 2005

A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their minister.

The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?"

The minister replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."

COMENTARIO: Caramba, no es por elogiar a este ministro, pero... ¡mejor me callo!

Senior Moment
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 31 Aug 2005

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money—and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.  "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying.  She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Page created on August 7, 2005.  Updated on September 16, 2007.  © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.