1996

Sex is a Man's Best Friend
From: Mike Biancaniello
Date: 22 March 1996

Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something. I call mine "Sex".

Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said, "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoom. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble," and I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

Southern Belles
From: David Torix
Date: 18 October 1996

COMENTARIO: Otra vez las mismas bellezas sureñas, pero un poco más "hijas de su papá"...

Two Southern Belles were sitting on the porch of a stereotypical southern mansion taking a rest between dances while attending a grand ball. The first was bragging about how wonderful, wealthy, and generous her father was.

"My daddy loves me so much that he spent a thousand dollars on this dress so I could be the prettiest girl at the ball."

The second belle replied, "Isn't that nice."

"He even bought a brand new Cadillac limo to bring me here so I wouldn't get damp if it rained."

Again the second belle said, "Isn't that nice."

"And he must have spent a fortune on flowers and such so that I could be the prettiest girl at the ball."

"Well isn't that nice."

"I know my daddy loves me because he buys me all these fine things. What does your daddy do for you?"

"He sent me to charm school so I could learn to say 'Isn't that nice,' instead of 'Up Yours, Bitch!'"

"Isn't that nice!"

COMENTARIO: Francamente, querida mía, a mí eso me importa un ca... ¡uy, perdón!... ¡Mira qué bien!

The YU Brothers
From: Leow Yee Ling
Date: 12 December 1996

The three YU brothers were immigrants from China and have just successfully passed their U.S. Citizenship Examinations. The last item taken up by the immigration officer with them was the adaption of American names in place of their original Chinese names.

JA YU was first asked if he had a particular choice. "I might as well add 'CK' to my first name and now be known as JACK YU," said the eldest brother.

"That sounds OK," said the immigration officer.

Turning now to the younger brother, the immigration officer asked, "Now what name would you prefer CHU YU?"

Very smartly CHU replied, "I will do the same as my elder brother, add 'CK' to my first name, and now be called CHUCK YU."

Before the youngest brother could open his mouth and say anything, the immigration officer pointed at him and very quickly said, "FU, I hope you are not thinking what I am thinking. You are not going to get it."