Octubre de 2007
"Senior" Personal Ads
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Oct 2007
COMENTARIO: A continuación, nuestra sección de "Anuncios Falsificados"... ¡uy, perdón!... "Clasificados":
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
How The French Military Uniform Evolved
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 7 Oct 2007
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
COMENTARIO: ¡OOOH LA LAAAAA! Vive le difference...
Doctors (file under 'Corny')
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 4 Oct 2007
Subject: Doctors
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
COMENTARIO: Y si vamos a ver... ¡le doy la razón a los proctólogos! Yo me imagino que la administración del hospital... bueno... ¡sabrá que hacerse con eso!
Husband and Wife
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 9 Oct 2007
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé qué opinen, pero esto me parece que es un caso para los detectives del Escuadrón de Casos Mayores...
10:00 Everywhere
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2007
In America, they say, "It's 10:00, do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00, do you know where your husband is?"
In Paris, they say, "It's 10:00, do you know where your wife is?"
And in Poland, they say, "It's 10:00, do you know what time it is?"
COMENTARIO: Y en Puerto Rico, dicen algo así como... "Son las diez de la noche... ¿sabe usted quién se robó mi reloj?"
Greek or Italian?
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2007
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
COMENTARIO: Aquí yo lamento no saber ni papa del idioma griego, porque entonces sabría como expresar la pregunta que él se debe estar haciendo... "¿Qué me habrá querido decir?"
Badly Damaged Foot
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2007
Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot.
The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked.
"Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr. Thompson," Fergo began.
"But about your foot?" the doc said.
"This is about my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't.
"The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable.
"The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently.
"It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant," Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
COMENTARIO: ¡Adió' cará'! Y es HOY que él se da cuenta de lo que ella le quiso decir... ¡Bueno que le suceda lo del pie!
How Is The Smith Baby
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2007
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis." the doctor said...
"Oh, *oh* my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news...
Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear...
"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years..."
COMENTARIO: ¡Quién dice que los médicos de campo no se las traen! Y además, ¡bueno que le ocurra eso a la chismosa! Si total, ya ella iba a contárselo a sus vecinas, cada vecina a una prima, la prima a otra vecina, la vecina a la peluquera (o peluquero, porque allí se cuecen habas), la peluquera a otra amiga más... ¡y esa amiga a "La Comay"!
Coyotes and Sheep
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2007
There is no arguing with this cowboy logic. A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep—they're eatin''em."
COMENTARIO: Y aunque me duela como biólogo, tengo que darle la razón a este caballero, porque de qué me sirve solucionar un problema con una "cura" a largo plazo (la castración de los coyotes macho) si no atiendo el problema inmediato de que se estén comiendo mis ovejas. ¡Que nos sirva de lección a todos!
Redneck Hammer Toss Record Holders
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Oct 2007
The Redneck Olympics were taking place in Richmond VA. and the next competition was the Hammer Toss. The first Redneck up, representing Georgia, grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards. Wow, the announcer stated, You have broken the world record. How'd you do it?
"My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher and I am a fisher have strong arms, throw hammer far."
The second Redneck, representing Mississippi grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards.
"You just broke the last guy's world record. How'd you do it?"
"My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger, have strong arms, throw hammer far."
The third Redneck, representing Alabama grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards.
The announcer was astonished. "You just blew everyone away. How'd you do it?"
"My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible."
COMENTARIO: Menos mal que esto último no sucede con los que se benefician de las ayudas sociales federales en Puerto Rico... ¿o sí?
The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Kentucky Rednecks
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Oct 2007
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
LIBERAL ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:
BANG!
KENTUCKY REDNECK ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ... (sounds of reloading)....
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right, Dad. I saw it too ..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Can I have his boots?"
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 13 Oct 2007
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake. She found it in the bathroom—a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified—she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
Trophy
COLOCADO POR: Skid Schermerhorn
FECHA: 12 Oct 2007
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
COMENTARIO: ¡Otro viejito que se las trae!
Driver Gets a Stiff Fine
COLOCADO POR: James Harvey
FECHA: 11 Oct 2007 (originally appeared in third quarter, 1988)
Para esta noticia les dejamos con nuestra corresponsal internacional, Karin Glasshole:
From the Detroit News, June 8, 1988
Dateline: Santa Ana, California.
A man was fined $58 after failing to persuade a judge that the four frozen corpses in his van qualified him for life in the fast lane.
Robert Hanshew, 25, of Westminster, who transports cadavers for a mortuary service, was stopped March 21 for using a freeway car pool lane reserved for vehicles carrying two people or more.
COMENTARIO: Esto es lo que yo llamo, "pasarse de 'ganso'".
Fun with latex
COLOCADO POR: Mark Champine
FECHA: 13 Oct 2007 (originally appeared in second quarter, 1989)
A flight attendant friend of mine and her boyfriend had been playing a little game, where they would hide condoms in each other's pockets, briefcases, lunches etc., to have them revealed at unexpected times.
One morning, shortly after taking off on a 3 hour flight, the flight attendant was asked for aspirin, by a man with a headache. Recalling the packet of aspirin she usually kept in her left pocket, she took it out, placed it on the man's fold out table, and turned to pour him a glass of water.
When she turned around again, the man was staring, mouth open, at the packet before him. He managed to stammer "Sorry Miss, I really DO have a headache." On discovering her mistake, she turned several shades of red, and scurried off to hide in the crew cabin.
Eventually, she had to resume her duties, and on each pass down the aisle, she got a wink and a smile from the man with the headache.
PREGUNTA INDISCRETA: ¿A dónde hay que llamar para hacer reservaciones en esa aerolínea? ;-)
Crutches
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 14 Oct 2007
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
COMENTARIO: ¡Quién sabe! Tal vez arriba decidieron que éste no era el mejor momento para una sanación "milagrosa"...
Baked Stuffed Chicken Recipe
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 15 Oct 2007
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
COMENTARIO: ¡Aaaaaaaaaah! ¡Así de sencillo! Yo creo que esto pondrá verde de la envidia a todos esos chefs que hay por ahí...
Passports
COLOCADO POR: Skid Schermerhorn
FECHA: 15 Oct 2007
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
COMENTARIO: C'est la vie...
Whistle at 'em!
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 21 Oct 2007
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon after, they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!"
COMENTARIO: Seguramente, la autopsia revelará que él recibió múltiples laceraciones y hematomas...
Scouse Olympics
COLOCADO POR: RICO
FECHA: 28 Oct 2007
Scouse Olympics
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2008, the organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.
BOXING
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Comeback
COLOCADO POR: **Rowland Croucher**
FECHA: 25 Oct 2007
A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line...
COMENTARIO: ¡NADA MÁS CON EL TESTIGO!
My Jury Excuse Really Works!
COLOCADO POR: Larry Krzewinski
FECHA: 29 Oct 2007
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded Larry.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
COMENTARIO: ¡He dicho! ¡CASO CERRADO!
Created on October 7, 2007. Last updated on November 4, 2007. Modified on April 10, 2009. © 2007–2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.