Diciembre de 2007

Tú me explicas y yo te explico.....
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 9 Dec 2007

Cada vez que hacían el amor, el marido insistía en que fuera a oscuras, 100% oscuro, cerraban ventanas, apagaban luces.

Después de 20 años, a la mujer se le hacia cada vez mas ridículo, así que preparó un plan para quitarle esa manía al marido.

Una noche, durante una sesión salvaje, en medio de gritos y romanticismo carnal ella encendió las luces repentinamente.  Cuál sería su sorpresa al mirar hacia abajo y ver que su marido tenia un consolador más grande que un pene de verdad, y como si eso fuera poco, el propio lo tenía completamente caído...

Se volvió loca, se puso histérica, los que habían sido gritos de placer se convirtieron en insultos.

"¡¡Hijo de puta, cabrón!!  ¡¡IMPOTENTE!!" le gritó.  "¿Cómo pudiste estar engañándome todos estos años?  ¡Desgraciado!  ¡Más te vale que vayas dando una buena explicación!"

El esposo, sin inmutarse con mucha calma, la mira fijamente a los ojos y le responde:

"Yo te explico lo del juguete.... y tu me explicas lo de los niños".

COMENTARIO: ¡Y esto no pare más ninguna explicación!

Un Chiste con Moraleja
COLOCADO POR: Xavi
FECHA: 15 Dec 2007

Un filósofo decide tomar un bote para cruzar un río y continuar sus estudios en una isla.  Le paga dos chelines a un barquista quien emprende viaje.  El filósofo entabla una conversación con el barquista:

Filósofo: "disculpe buen hombre, ¿sabe usted historia?"

Barquista: (con desagrado responde) "No"

Filósofo: "... entonces usted ha perdido la mitad de su vida, ¿sabe usted matemáticas?"

Barquista: "NO"

Filósofo:"... entonces usted ha perdido más de la mitad de su vida"

En segundos nada mas un fuerte viento sopla y una tormenta sorprende a ambos, el bote se voltea cayendo el filósofo y el barquista al agua entonces...

Barquista: "¡sabe usted nadar!"

Filosofo: "¡NO!"

Barquista: "¡Entonces usted acaba de perder toda su vida!"

Moraleja: une la práctica con la teoría.

COMENTARIO: ¡Bueno que le ocurra eso a ese filósofo!

Chiste matrimonio
COLOCADO POR: Marta Gurrea
FECHA: 15 Dec 2007

Antes del matrimonio:

ÉL : ¡Sí!  Por fin.  Qué duro fue esperar.

Ella : ¿Quieres dejarme?

ÉL : NO!  Ni siquiera lo pienses.

Ella : ¿Tú me amas?

ÉL : Por supuesto, una y otra vez

Ella : ¿Alguna vez me has sido infiel?

ÉL : Noo!  ¿Cómo te atreves siquiera a preguntar eso?

Ella : ¿Me besarías?

ÉL : En cada oportunidad que tenga.

Ella : ¿Te atreverías a golpearme?

ÉL : ¿Estás loca?  No soy ese tipo de persona

Ella : ¿Puedo confiar en ti?

ÉL : Sí

Ella : ¡Mi amor!

Después del Matrimonio:
Lea de abajo a arriba

COMENTARIO: ¡No se me había ocurrido verlo así!

10 Rules of Indian film making
COLOCADO POR: foo_labs
FECHA: 2 Dec 2007

1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law.  The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the real bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion.  (This is possible only if he has a heroine—see rule 2 below).

2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will (a) die (b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord".  If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled.  Otherwise it will be sustained.

5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero).  Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first twenty minutes, and commit suicide.

6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never miss or run out of bullets.  When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).

8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of (a) pots (b) barrels (c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

9) Any movie involving lost & found brothers will have a song sung by (a) the brothers (b) their blind mother (she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the tearful climax), or (c) the family dog/cat.

10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: (a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father—killed by the villain before the titles.  (b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him on the back in reel 23.  Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.  (c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

COMENTARIO: Yo no sé, pero creo que hay aquí dos o tres buenas sugerencias para el cine boricua...

Am I A Dog?
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 5 Dec 2007

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Vermouth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued.  "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog.  A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog.  It's crazy.  I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly.  "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor.  I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

COMENTARIO: Y lo peor de todo fue que en un momento de la consulta, el paciente se puso a revisar si el diván del siquiatra estaba perpendicular con el piso...

Bubba
COLOCADO POR: foo_labs
FECHA: 5 Dec 2007

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.  The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.  He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.  It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.  So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.  His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba?  Is that you?"

COMENTARIO: Y como suele suceder, todos lo saben, menos él... o sea, lo del secreto de Bubba para tener... esteeeeeeeeee... lo suyo en óptimas condiciones, ¿viste?

The Best Insurance Salesman Ever
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Dec 2007

Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.

"You can't afford not to hire me.  I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"I see.  Well, we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell.  If you can sell just one, you have a job."

Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another for $100,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you, I'm the world's best salesman.  I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"OK.  Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.

"What urine sample?" asked Sid.

"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample.  Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job.  He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.  He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's."

"That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

COMENTARIO: Y dicen que el presidente de la Federación de Maestros se molestó al enterarse de que todos los maestros en la convención habían orinado allí... ¡ya que no lo invitaron!

Growing Up
COLOCADO POR: Timsntide
FECHA: 7 Dec 2007

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.  "My God!  How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!!  When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl.  "I was completely drunk."

COMENTARIO: O sea, que así es como empiezan...

Redneck Sex Ed
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 16 Dec 2007

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma "Junior's 21 years old now.  It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa your right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

So junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma?  watch this".  So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he's 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".

COMENTARIO: ¡Uy uy uy!  Preo qué gente más bruta...

City Boys Goes Country
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 16 Dec 2007

Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals.  "I'll take one of these," he said to the farmer.  "What is it?"  Well, to me it's a cock, but to you it's a rooster," said the farmer.  "I'll take one of these, too," said the city boy.  "What is it?"  "Well, to me it's a pullet, but to you it's a chicken," replied the farmer.  "Okay," said the city boy.  "And I'll take one of those, too, if you'll tell me what it is."  "To me it's an ass, but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer, "and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch it's belly to get it moving again."

So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases.  He was doing fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass sat down and refused to budge.  Seeing he as having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help.  "Actually, yes," said the city boy.  "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Otro bruto!

Swearing nun warns kids
COLOCADO POR: Ian Searle
FECHA: 10 Dec 2007

Con este reportaje, dejamos a nuestro reportero internacional... Penn de Haul:

Children at a Catholic school were shocked when the head nun reeled off a list of banned swear words.  Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School in Grosse Point Park, Michigan, told students she had a zero-tolerance policy for cursing.  Just in case anyone was not sure what she was talking about, she read a list of the words and phrases that she was banning.

- News source: Ananova Quirkies, 10/12/07

Students say they eagerly await her next announcement, covering premarital sex.

COMENTARIO: Yo espero que a esta monja no se le ocurra dar ejemplos de las conductas que no se tolerarán... ¡porque hasta ahí llegamos!

Bear Identification
COLOCADO POR: Perry G Ramsey
FECHA: 13 Dec 2007 (originally appeared in 1990)

How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:

Go over to him, and kick him in the behind.  Run up a nearby tree.  If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.  If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.

-- October 1990 Backpacker Magazine

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  Qué tranquilidad da saber que puedo reconocer fácilmente una especie de oso... ¡antes de que me haga papilla!

The Lady and the Dog
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 17 Dec 2007

A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up.

Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin.  She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment.

The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine.  Nothing to worry about."

Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead!  The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog.

Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog.  Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog!  Could you please go get *my* dog?"

The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog.  Look!  It's the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it."

The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS NOT MY DOG!"

The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?"

The widow answers. . . .  "Because my dog was dead!  I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, qué bonito!  Recuérdenme no volar por esa línea aérea la próxima vez que yo me vaya de viaje.

The Wipe
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 18 Dec 2007

There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when one of them told the other one he had to take a dump.  Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles, he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business but there was only one problem... he didnt have any toilet paper.  He asked his partner if he had some paper.  He didn't have any paper, but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar.  The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business.  He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand so his partner asked him what happened and he replied, "Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bruto!  Con una moneda de a dólar se pudo haber ahorrado un montón...

They can't possibly be mine!
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 24 Dec 2007

After their twins were born, Larry, in a panic, went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," Larry said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because both my twin boys have red hair.  They can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.  "Even though you and your wife both have blonde hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," Larry insisted.  "Both our families had blonde hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "how often do you have sex?"

Larry was a bit ashamed, but admitted, "We only have sex once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!," the doctor said confidently.  "It's rust".

EN OTRAS PALABRAS: Éste es un viejo mundo lleno de... ¡moho!

Menu
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 29 Dec 2007

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.  Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of Crap, it takes all morning."

COMENTARIO: Nuestro reportero de entretenimiento y estilos de vida, Pat Tulecco, nos infoma que acaban de inaugurar ese mismo restaurante en San Juan y que el mismo ofrece exquisiteces tales como 'New York strip de PNP' y 'PPD a la valenciana', entre otras.  Lo único malo es que ambos platillos gourmet saldrán un poquito caros... ¡a $250.00 el plato (y eso es sin el IVU)!  (Y por las mismas razones...)

The Doctor's Advice
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 29 Dec 2007

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day.  Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk.  The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!!  A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!!  What should I do?"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around.  Make it look like he was coming in."

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito!  Me pregunta si ese médico es de los que compraron su reválida de medicina...

Home, sweet home
COLOCADO POR: GEO.DOSCH[at]genie.com
FECHA: 27 Dec 2007 (originally appeared in 1990)

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.  And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

*Bill:* Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

*Bob:* Darts?

*Bill:* Nah.

*Bob:* Shoot some pool?

*Bill:* Nah.

*Bob:* Cards?

*Bill:* Nah.  Hey, I've got an idea.  We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.

*Bob:* Whadaya mean?

*Bill:* Just what I said.  We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

*Bob:* What about me?

*Bill:* She's a sport.  She won't mind at all.

*Bob:* Well... if you think it's okay...

*Bill:* Sure.  C'mon, let's go!

<at Bill's house>

*Bill:* Honey, I'm home.  Honey.  SWEETHEART!  Damn!  She musta gone shopping.  Tell ya what, Bob.  Let's go to YOUR house!

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, qué bien!  Como si la cosa fuera así de fácil.

Created on December 2, 2007.  Last updated on December 31, 2007.  Modified on April 10, 2009.  © 2007–2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.