Junio de 2003
Mind Boggling Headlines
From: Hamish Cook
Date: 1 Jun 2003
NOTA: Editado de su versión original para corregir algunos errores de ortografía. — LDB.
Include your children when baking cookies
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Drunks get nine years in violin case
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes apeal to Pope
Panda mating fails — veterinarian takes over
Teacher strikes idle kids
Clinton wins budget — more lies ahead
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Couple slain, police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
New study on obesity looks for larger test group
The American Dream
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 1 Jun 2003
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Making Daddy Thinner
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 1 Jun 2003
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mum says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Johnny and the Eel
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 3 Jun 2003
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend... and this he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother:
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a little while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt.
About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever started.
I knew it was fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot!
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.
A big EEL had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long. HONEST!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
Then Sis saw it, she got really scared and her eyes got big! Her mouth was open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen.
I should have told her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the EEL by biting the head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the EEL go. I guess it bit her back. Then, she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight, while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the EEL's head to keep it from biting her again I guess.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the EEL.
The EEL put up one hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the EEL by squashing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up from the couch. They had killed the EEL! I knew it was dead, because it just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the EEL WASN'T dead!! It started to straighten up and started to fight, AGAIN!!
I guess EELs are like cats, they have 9 lives or something. After 35 minutes, they finally succeeded in killing the EEL.
I knew it was dead this time because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet!!
Importance of Proof Reading
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 4 Jun 2003
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
The marriage of Miss Freda Van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
I Want to Be Castrated
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 4 Jun 2003
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"
The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but all right."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bed side when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"Circumcised!," yells Fred. "That's the word!"
Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't
From: KenFuny
Date: 2 Jun 2003
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He's one hard judge!
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
10. Think you can get me off?
Express Line
From: KenFuny
Date: 2 Jun 2003
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
COMENTARIO: ¿Por qué siempre que veo este chiste, pienso en que el cajero es un individuo a lo Jack Nicholson?
Working with Buddy
From: KenFuny
Date: 7 Jun 2003
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Managerium
From: KenFuny
Date: 7 Jun 2003
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
COMENTARIO: ¡IGUALITO QUE DONDE YO TRABAJO!
Why We Are Tired?
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 2 Jun 2003
Why are we so tired? For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, job pressure, earwax buildup, poor blood circulation, but now I found out the real reason. We're tired because we're overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
Leaving 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school
Leaving 48 million to do the work.
Of this, 29 million are employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Leaving 16.2 million to do the work.
Of that, 14,800,000 people work for state & city governments.
Leaving 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Of that, 1,211,998 are in prison.
Leaving just two people to do all the work.
You and me. And you're sitting on your butt, at your computer... reading this joke!
Airline Flight to Florida
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 3 Jun 2003
On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same—rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.
The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami."
After a short pause and several clicks...
"Geez. What a bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
Psychotherapy
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 7 Jun 2003
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," he replied. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
COMENTARIO: No me pregunten por qué, pero esto de momento me recuerda a uno de mis jefes... Humilde, ¿no?
Almost Killed By a Clock
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 7 Jun 2003
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
Walk On Air
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 7 Jun 2003
When my last girlfriend realized that I was really kicking her lazy ass out for good, she started trying to patch things up. She got all sad, and looked at me with tenderness, saying, "You know I love you. Say those three little words that will make me walk on air."
I said, "Go hang yourself."
Cannibal Country
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 10 Jun 2003
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?," asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said, "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!," intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?," asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
COMENTARIO: ¿Así es como tocan esos músicos? Y si José Feliciano llega a estar de "artista invitado" en este chiste...
One Eyed Man
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 12 Jun 2003
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Advice Column About Pregnancy
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 12 Jun 2003
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
I Can't Come To Work Today...
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 12 Jun 2003
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
For Your Headache
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 12 Jun 2003
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says "Gotcha!"
Computer Breakdown
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 13 Jun 2003
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
COMENTARIO: ¡UY, UY, UY! ¡Eso SÍ que es trágico!
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
From: KenFuny
Date: 8 Jun 2003
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor — we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie."
"Oh, no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?"
"Shoot, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
Bungee Jumping in Mexico
From: KenFuny
Date: 10 Jun 2003
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need — a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up — he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a piñata?"
Dinner Music
From: KenFuny
Date: 10 Jun 2003
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
I Am The Greatest
From: KenFuny
Date: 11 Jun 2003
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!," he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!," he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!," he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
Mothers
From: AlcoRS2
Date: 13 Jun 2003
At one point during a baseball game, the coach called one of his young players over to have a talk with him.
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?," asked the coach. The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?," the coach asked. Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you do not argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all of that?" Once more the little boy nodded yes.
"Excellent," the coach said.
"Now go on over there and explain it to your mother!"
Digital Manipulation of a Photo
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Aquí, como lo canta Domingo Quiñones, "Se necesita un milagro..."
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Dam Fish For Sale
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Aunque yo no tengo hijos propios, no me cansaré de repetir esto: HAY QUE TENER MUCHO CUIDADO CON LAS COSAS QUE SE DICEN FRENTE A LOS NIÑOS, ¡CA****!
(¡Uy, perdónenme! Se me zafó eso...)
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
Deep Sea Diver
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 15 Jun 2003
One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he noticed a guy at the same depth but without any scuba gear on. The diver decided to go down another 20 feet.
He took another look around, and lo and behold, there was the same guy.
"I can't believe it," thought the scuba diver. "I bet he can't go down another 25 feet."
So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes,
"How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?"
The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes,
"I'm drowning, you moron!"
Jokester's Joke Of The Week
From: Jokester
Date: 22 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Si acaso el Presidente Bush quería prueba adicional, aquí la tiene:
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
Million Dollar Picture
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 17 Jun 2003
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?," the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?," asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Disorder in the Court
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 18 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: ¡Nada más con el testigo! Su turno, Mr. Mason...
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which!
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
More Beautiful Every Day
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 18 Jun 2003
Leah and Sarah are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Sarah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!," Sarah cries.
"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Leah.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer."
Office Sign
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 18 Jun 2003
Sign in an office:
"This job is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions."
COMENTARIO: Se parece BASTANTE a donde yo trabajo...
Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 20 Jun 2003
Great Presentation Skills - Able to bull
Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on phone
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows whats/he does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Him/herself Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has aloud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
In a Minute
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 21 Jun 2003
Little Jimmy asked God, "What's a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy couldn't understand eternity, God said, "A million years is like a minute."
Jimmy: Wow! What's a million dollars like?
God: A million dollars is like a penny.
Jimmy: Gee God you're so generous. Can I have one of your pennies?
God: Sure Jimmy, in just a minute.
Top Signs That Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 21 Jun 2003
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
9. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
10. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
11. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
12. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
Signs
From: KenFuny
Date: 15 Jun 2003
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Everything Is Big In Texas
From: KenFuny
Date: 15 Jun 2003
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Stuck on the Roof
From: KenFuny
Date: 17 Jun 2003
Two guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
Little Tommy Turtle
From: KenFuny
Date: 22 Jun 2003
A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground.
The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.
Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"
True Arab Thingies
From: Master of the universe and supreme ruler of all living beings (but only when the wife is out\)
Date: 16 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Hace unas semanas, incluí algo sobre los errores y horrores del mercadeo internacional. Como dicen, las "maravillas" nunca cesan...
Towards the North of Jeddah, just before the start of the Northern Corniche road, there is a large roundabout. For many years there was a huge joke on a building just behind the open territory where the roundabout lay.
There was a billboard with three pictures:
1. To the left, a pile of dirty laundry,
2. In the middle, a packet of "Tide" washing powder,
3. To the right, a pile of clean laundry.
Pictures are supposed to overcome the language barrier—not so. Arabs read from right-to-left. I understand they didn't sell much "Tide" out there.
Faith in Humanity
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 16 Jun 2003
A young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!
They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time.
They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"
If Resumes Told the Truth
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 16 Jun 2003
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
Solitaire
Minesweeper
On/Off Repair Method
HONORS AND AWARDS
First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
Said Toast at brother's wedding
High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
The Donkey and the Farmer
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 21 Jun 2003
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Underwear Is Important
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 21 Jun 2003
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The Word Plays of My Life
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 22 Jun 2003
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it
Then I tried to be a chef—figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Underage Drinker
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 22 Jun 2003
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?," the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
Correct Change Please
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 22 Jun 2003
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, pues yo tampoco!
School Photo
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 22 Jun 2003
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead."
The Prostitute and the Politician
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 23 Jun 2003
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?," the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
YO ME PREGUNTO: Cosas como ésta, ¿explican por qué algunos políticos se "coolean" cuando hay que discutir públicamente ciertos temas difíciles?
How to Tell the Weather
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 23 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Con este método sencillo, no hay radar Super-Duper-Blooper-Doppler que valga...
To Tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
Selling Bibles
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 24 Jun 2003
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles... Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly... But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Which they did.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!," the reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked, "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents... "What is this?," the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!," both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and l-l-l-let m-m-me r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Nervous Flyer
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 24 Jun 2003
A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that."
"Why not?," asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."
The Male Stripper
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 24 Jun 2003
NOTA: En el original hay un error en la suma de los billetes (dice "90 bucks"). — LDB.
The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.
What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the [80] bucks, and went home.
At the Restaurant
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 25 Jun 2003
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
You Might Be an Internet Newbie If...
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 27 Jun 2003
You might be an internet newbie if:
YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS. ALL THE TIME. oR YoU StIlL WrItE EmAiLs iN AlTeRnAtInG CaSe.
You believe what people say in chatrooms is actually the truth, and that girl in it really WILL love you for ever... even though she hasn't seen you and you haven't seen her!
You really believe the "get rich quick" scams you receive in e-mail will work.
You can't associate surfing with web pages.
You regularly report things you find on USENET to your ISP.
You still believe in the modem tax.
You think you saw it on your last phone bill.
A *Virus Warning* that you once read now makes you panic whenever you get a message saying: Returned Mail: Host Unknown.
Every time you've posted a message to a newsgroup, you've been flamed by at least ten people.
You've been flamed several times, but you still don't know the meaning of the term.
You post messages saying "UNSUBSCRIBE" to the mailing list that you've subscribed to... spelled "UNSUBIBE," "UNSUBSCIBE," UNSBSCRIB," etc...
You think spam is a type of lunch meat.
You can't tell the difference between a web URL and an e-mail address.
Your message submission from a submit form says: "Enter your submission here."
You think flaming someone involves a lighter and an aerosol can.
TV Healing
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 24 Jun 2003
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
The Cough Cure
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 26 Jun 2003
Outside a pharmacy, in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle. He was just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
Assistant repies, "Yes he was. He had a terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."
Assistant says, "Sure he does. I gave him a box of our strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough."
Just Checking
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 26 Jun 2003
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased—what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
The Jealous Husband
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 26 Jun 2003
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
COMENTARIO: ¿Será posible que al comienzo del Siglo 21 haya un marido tan... morón?
Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 26 Jun 2003
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
Raising Chickens
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 27 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Esto es lo que yo llamo un MORÓN con mayúsculas...
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!," the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
In the Year 2020
POSTED BY: dustbird
POSTED ON: 29 Jun 2003
Heterosexual couples marched through the streets of Washington on National Heterosexual Pride Day.
Gay couples were aghast that they would openly come out of the closet and make a public exhibition of themselves. "The next thing you know, they'll be clamoring for the right to get married!"
However, Congressman Chip Gayly, on Meet the Press, said: "I am introducing legislation that will legalize marriages for heterosexual partners. How else can we maintain the tax base?"
In a related move, the Supreme Court affirmed the potent bestiality of all human beings, and the latent humanity of all beasts.
Sexual Harrassment Consent Form
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 28 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé qué sucedería si en nuestros lugares de trabajo se utilizara un formulario como éste... ¡Total! Ocurre igual sin el formulario...
Name:______________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________
HOME PHONE No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________
OFFICE PHONE No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE:
Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify: _____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contact: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, appliances, etc., to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________
DATE: ____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation.
A TODO ESTO: ¿Por qué será que últimamente algunas de mis compañeras de oficina me miran de arriba para abajo y quieren que yo les haga "la vueltita"? ;)
The Talking Baby
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 29 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: ¡TOMA! ¡PARA QUE APRENDAS!
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?," he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
The Entrepreneur
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 30 Jun 2003
The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?" "No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns." The agent didn't like that at all but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights. At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets...."
Hoya
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 30 Jun 2003
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting, "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!," cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
Self-Help Books
FROM: Mike Signor
DATE: 29 Jun 2003
A woman I know hasn't had the best of luck with self-help books:
She bought a book on getting organized but she lost it.
She bought a book on dog training but the dog chewed it up.
She started reading a book on Attention Deficit Disorder but she couldn't sit still long enough to finish it.
She bought a book on overcoming procrastination but she never quite got around to reading it.
She bought a book on improving your memory but she forgot to read it.
She bought a book on positive thinking but she threw it away in a fit of despair.
She bought a book on conquering your fears but she was afraid to read it.
J.K. Rowling sues self for $750 Billion Dollars
POSTED BY: Donald Shepherd
ORIGINALLY FROM: Rick Ramey
POSTED ON: 23 Jun 2003
COMENTARIO: Tarde o temprano, algo como esto PODRÍA suceder...
Feeling that she knows too much and has given away too many secrets from her upcoming best seller "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", author J.K. Rowling has filed a "cease an desist" order against herself.
Further, in her suit the one-time welfare recipient has asked the courts to award herself a sum of seven hundred and fifty billion American dollars. "Knowing what I know has destroyed the franchise and I must be stopped from telling any more," said the richest woman in England.
"Also, please don't buy any of the Harry Potter merchandise such as dolls, lunchboxes, bedsheets and the like. The books are for the moment still a-okay, but I am as yet still a bit unclear on what my position is on the motion pictures is. If it turns out that I am in fact against the motion pictures, I will be filing a suit against everyone involved in their making, most especially myself for agreeing to prostitue my literary creation in the first place."
Rowling added that she is considering filing a lawsuit against the city of Phoenix, Arizona, citing the city's attempt to capitalize on her latest book.
Should Rowling prevail in her suit, it would make her lawyers among the richest in the world.
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.