2002

Regresar a 'Humor... según LDB'

Los Amigos Pendejos
COLOCADO POR: Beba
FECHA: 20 Aug 2002


Algunas situaciones bastante comunes, ya sabemos que en cualquier momento y lugar encontraremos a alguno de esos amigos que siempre preguntan alguna estupidez como éstas:

1. Cuando después de traer el cabello largo, decides ir a cortártelo bastante corto, a la salida de la Peluquería encuentras a una amig@ y pregunta: "Vaya, ¿¿¿te cortaste el pelo???" ... me moriría por decirle: "No, pendej@, me creció la cabeza".

2. Cuando te acaban de asaltar, llegas a la casa y le dices a tu hermano: "¡¡Coño 'e la madre!!  Me asaltaron..." y el muy imbécil pregunta "¿¿¿Quién???" ... mataría por decirle: "Eran las hermanas de la caridad cabrón, tengo su dirección y teléfono".

3. Cuando se te pierden las llaves o la cartera, tu hermano te ve desesperado y pregunta: "¿Pero... dónde la dejaste cham@?" ...le daría un sólo coñazo en la cara y le diría: "¡¡¿Sabes idiota?, las dejé en el carro pero me fascina llegar a la universidad tarde y andar como pendejo por toda la casa buscándolas, quizá así baje de peso!!"

4. Cuando vas llegando a tu casa y tu hermano (sí, el cabrón de siempre) pregunta: "¿Ya llegaste cham@?" ... lo que no daría por decirle: "No pendejo, estás viendo un holograma, mi verdadero yo aún está en el trabajo".

5. Cuando estás en un antro y te encuentras a un amigo en pleno brindis y te pregunta: "¡¡¡Epále loc@!!! ¿Qué haces aquí?" ... cómo resistir a contestarle: "Nada marico triste, vine a limpiar los ceniceros, pero ya acabé de hacerlo, ya me voy".

6. Cuando le hablas a un amigo por teléfono y te preguntan: "¿De donde le llama?" (esta pregunta todos la hacen) ... y la respuesta de mi parte si pudiera sería: "Pues de un teléfono, todavía no logro que este zapato de mierda se comunique a algún lado, PAJÚ@".

7. Cuando te fuiste de barranco el viernes y tu estúpido amigo (sí, el mismo guevón de siempre) te llama el sábado a las siete de la mañana para ver si van a hacer ejercicios juntos y pregunta: "¿Coño pana, te desperté?" ... con ganas de meterle el teléfono por el culo y decirle: "¡¡No, animal del monte!!  Siempre contesto el teléfono con voz de pendejo para ver si alguien me lo pregunta".

8. Cuando estás en la cola para entrar al cine cargando tus cotufas, refresco, nachos, helado, dulces y tu perro caliente con todo, y te encuentras a un amigo (insisto, el mismo PAJÚO de siempre) y te pregunta: "¿Vas a entrar al cine???" ¡¡¡¡¡GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!, con ganas de decirle: "No gran pendejo, quiero ver si bato el récord de cargar por más tiempo en una cola unas cotufas, un refresco, unos nachos, dulces, helado y un perro caliente... ¡¡¡¡¡COÑO 'E TU MADRE!!!!!

Lamentablemente hay muchos personajes así, y peor aún, nosotros mismos caemos en estas guevonadas muy a menudo... ¡¡¡por Dios!!!... ¡jejeje!

COMENTARIO DIALOGADO: ¡Cónchale, chamo!  Y este chiste, ¿viene de Venezuela?...

¡NOOOOO, canto 'e bruto!  ¡Viene de las islitas de las que habla Ezequiel en la página de 2001!  ¿OK, mi "pana"?


Gringo Wey
From: Remberto Gomez Meda (El Meda)
Date: 4 Nov 2002


COMENTARIO: ¡Qué "Follow Me" ni qué "Inglés Sin Barreras" ni qué madre de los tomates!  Éste es el curso de aprendizaje de idiomas que hacía falta...

Diccionario para el gringo wey

SPANISH FOR GRINGOS
There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say some phrases in spanish, but you don't know how to say it, don't worry, your problems have finished, if your are a gringo and you don't know how to speak spanish, the new "Diccionario para el gringo wey" (Smart Gringo Dictionary) will be helpful in your learning.  For instance, we took from it some common phrases, just try and you're gonna see the difference and how easy is to speak spanish.

(ESPAÑOL PARA GRINGOS
Siempre hay algo nuevo que aprender o que intentar.  Si alguna vez necesita usted decir algunas frases en español, pero no sabe como pronunciarlas, no hay problema: sus problemas han finalizado.  Si usted es un gringo, y no sabe hablar español, el nuevo "Stupid Gringo Dictionary" [Diccionario para el gringo inteligente] le será de mucha utilidad en su aprendizaje.  Como un ejemplo, extrajimos de él unas cuantas frases comunes.  Trate con ellas, y verá lo fácil que es hablar el español utilizando este nuevo diccionario.)

1. Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a dinner
2. N L C John = en el sillon = on the armchair
3. Be a hope and son = viejo panzon = fat old man
4. This s poor as stunt air e us = Dices puras tonterias = you're saying dumb things.
5. S toy tree stone = estoy triston = I'm kinda sad.
6. Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags
7. A key eye poor agree jug = aqui hay pura grilla = there's only politics around here.
8. Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest
9. As say toon as = aceitunas = olives
10. Cell eye jug, one a what toe = Celaya Guanajuato = Celaya Guanajuato (City in central Mexico)
11. Be a has r when there us = viejas arguenderas = arguing bitches
12. Come at a lost ugh wack cat tess = comete los aguacates = eat the avocados
13. The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de estar molestando = stop bugging me.
14. Kit at tell loss war at chess = quitate los guaraches = take off your sandals
15. Ball add the pay jazz sad us = bola de payasadas = Silly stuff.
16. See eye = si hay = yes we have
17. T n s free o = tienes frio = are you cold?
18. S taz pen the ho = estas pendejo = you are an asshole.
19. T N S L P P B N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an erection.
20. Pooh row ped o = puro pedo = its all bull shit
21. Rascal p tow = rasca el pito = scratch the dick
22. Mass car eat a saw grad ah = mascarita sagrada = name for famous wrestler in Mexico
23. Tell o boy a in cruise tar = Te lo voy a incrustar = I'm going to insert it in you.
24. S toy as tall a mad re = Estoy hasta la madre = I'm fed up.

If you're interested in this product just call free at 1-800-GRINGO-WEY.
(Si está interesado en este producto, llame sin cargo al 1-800-STUPID-GRINGO.)



Who's the Father?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 11 Jan 2002


The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.  "All right!," bellowed her mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that night her voice rang down the stairs.  "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so!," the mother responded.  "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill, Mom," the girl said.  "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ey!  Un momento, ¿por qué me miran así?  Yo no tengo NADA que ver con lo que le pasó a esta chica.  Yo ni siquiera estuve cerca de allí...


News
From: Spammers eat this
Date: 18 Jan 2002


COMENTARIO: ¡Menos mal que en Puerto Rico no ocurren esas cosas, porque... ¿qué harían en los telenoticiarios de aquí, ah?

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days, and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will in the future likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story...  A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and it didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!


Proud Fathers
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 May 2002


Four guys were telling stories in a bar.  One guy leaves to go to the restroom.  Three guys are left...

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.  Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.  In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor.  Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm.  In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you.  MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm.  Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm.  In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom.  The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment.  He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years.  In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends.  But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

NOTA: Ver también La Amistad.


Honeymoon Mistake
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 2 Sep 2002


A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.  The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.  "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough—she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though.  She gave me $20 change!"


The Rest of My Life
From: Karel's Cheese House
Date: 26 Dec 2002


Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried.  His wife said, "What's the problem?"  He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what?  Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"


Marriage and Love
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 26 Dec 2002


Marriage is love.

Love is blind.

Marriage is an institution.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Age Old Secret
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 27 Dec 2002


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.  "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.  "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said.  "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.


The "Work" Virus
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 27 Dec 2002


There is a new virus going around called WORK.  If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it.  Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words, "This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda.  This better not be here when I get back."

Your brain should automatically delete the WORK.  If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.

Send this message to all your friends in your address book.  If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!

This work virus totally wiped me out toward the end of 1994, and it took me almost 7 years to get rid of it completely, though i still have many things to re-install, but unfortunately, most of these things that need re-installing were not backed up, and so they have been lost forever.  Do not let the WORK virus totally ruin your life, like it has done to mine.


Rescued From the Deserted Island
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 27 Dec 2002


The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.  He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.  But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.

The worst had happened; everything was lost.  He was stunned with grief and anger.

"God, how could you do this to me!," he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.  It had come to rescue him.

"How did you know I was here?," asked the weary man of his rescuers.

"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.


Sexual Athletes
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 28 Dec 2002


It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"


Magazine Subscription
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 29 Dec 2002


Steve and Cliff are having this talk.  Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy magazines for the same reason."

Cliff says, "Why?"

Steve says, "'Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."


Name Change
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 29 Dec 2002


COMENTARIO: Lo más que a mí me gusta es el apellido del peticionario... ¡le cae como anillo al dedo!

Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honour."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, Mr.... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honour."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: "Jim, your honour."


Beer on the Job
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 30 Dec 2002


While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.


Panties and Gloves Mix-up
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 30 Dec 2002


A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.  I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


How Many Newsgroup Subscribers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
From: newsposter
Date: 31 Dec 2002


QUESTION: How many newsgroup subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER: 1,445

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;

53 to flame the spell checkers;

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy";

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to alt.litebulb;

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling, and alt.illuminati about changing light bulbs be stopped;

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group;

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URLs;

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group;

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too";

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;

44 to ask what is "FAQ";

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?";

143 to say "do a Google news search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs";

34 to say "FA: on eBay—vintage light bulbs—no reserve";

66 to killfile anything with the words "light" or " bulb" in it;

1 Autobot from the Usenet Self Awareness Project to post that the lightbulb controversy generated the most posts;

1 Google news subscriber to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

NOTA:  En el original se hace referencia al antiguo servicio "Deja News", actualmente operado por "Google.com". — LDB.


Barking Dogs
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 31 Dec 2002


COMENTARIO: No es por alabar al individuo, pero... ¡qué morón!

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood.  They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.  "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream.  A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything.  Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.  "Doc, your plan is no good.  I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head.  "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!"


Created on November 12, 2006.  Updated on September 26, 2008.  © 2006, 2008 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.