2000

A Day at the Races
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 17 Jan 2000

COMENTARIO: Mis fuentes de entero crédito me indican que esta carrera se corre muchísimo los viernes y sábados por la noche... y eso, que hace mucho tiempo que no se corren carreras nocturnas... Hmmmm... Creo que iniciaré una investigación sobre el particular, si consigo una voluntaria que colabore conmigo... ¡en la investigación, por supuesto! ;-)

Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
6. Clean Sheets
2. Bare Belly
7. Thighs
3. Silk Panties
8. Big Johnson
4. Conscience
9. Heavy Bosum
5. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pullup. Clean Sheets never had a chance.........

Itchy Pussy
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 21 Jan 2000

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

COMENTARIO: Francamente, yo no sé si el embolsador del supermercado es así de ingenuo o la señora se pone así de... ¡ejem!... así de inquieta.

Special Interest Groups
From: <RingWalker@Darkness.net>
Date: 6 Feb 2000

COMENTARIO: ¡Por fin! ¡Lo que usted tanto ha esperado! A tiempo para la temporada electoral que se avecina... Disponible en combinaciones de azul y blanco, rojo y blanco, y (¿por qué no?) verde y blanco...

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official™. With regular maintenance your Government Official™ should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Other
* __ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________
* __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________

2. How did you hear about your Government Official™? (Please check all that apply.)
* __ TV ad
* __ Magazine/newspaper ad
* __ Shared jail cell with
* __ Former partner of
* __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
* __ Procured for
* __ Related to
* __ Recommended by lobbyist
* __ Recommended by organized crime figure
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
* __ Solicited bribe from me
* __ Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official™? (Please check all that apply)
* __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
* __ Have my prejudices turned into law
* __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
* __ Obtain trade concessions
* __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
* __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
* __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* __ Forestall military action against self/allies
* __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
* __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
* __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
* __ Performance of currently owned model
* __ Reputation
* __ Price
* __ Appearance
* __ Party affiliation
* __ Professed beliefs of Government Official™
* __ Actual beliefs of Government Official™
* __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
* __ Blackmail
* __ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official™? ______
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
* __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
* __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
* __ Defect in current model:
* __ Dead
* __ Senile
* __ Indicted
* __ Convicted
* __ Resigned in disgrace
* __ Switched parties/beliefs
* __ Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official™ you have chosen the best politician money can buy.

COMENTARIO: ¡Y válgame que en lo último tiene razón!

Mummy & Daddy Are Busy
FROM: Mr FBI (Mr. Funny Bone International)
DATE: 28 Apr 2000

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes.", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?", the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes.", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy.", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"

What The New Job-Lingo Really Means
FROM: John and Debbie Trujillo
DATE: May 19 2000

What The New Job-Lingo Really Means

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED": Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
From: Charlie Giggle
Date: 12 Jun 2000

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you!

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

Constipated Construction Worker
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 10 Aug 2000

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

COMENTARIO: ¡PERO QUÉ BRUUUUUUUUUTOOOOOOOOOO! No me lo quiero imaginar si su problema fuese con las hemorroides...

Yugo vs Rolls Royce
FROM: Cerberus
DATE: 17 Aug 2000

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

Two Polite Bulls
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: Nov 8 2000

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?," asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion," said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that," George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle," said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!," said George.

"Hang on George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?," said Sam.

"Sure," says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say -

"Thank you ma'am,

thank you ma'am,

thank you ma'am,

thank you ma'am,

Sorry Sam,

thank you ma'am,

thank you ma'am."

The Not So Well Documented Side Effects of Viagra
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 21 Dec 2000

At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting the table floats.

You begin to look at the dog with interest.

Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds.

They begin to call you " the tripod".

You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

Sunbathing nude outside standing birds perch on it.

Sunbathing nude outside lying down, you look like a sundial.

When you go camping, all you bring is the canvas.

Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc.... lets you go to the front of the line.

Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

You always lose limbo contests.

Monica Lewinsky wants you to be President someday.

You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

COMENTARIO (AÑADIDO EL 25 DE SEPTIEMBRE DE 2008): Yo añadiría a la lista anterior que al usuario de Viagra le da con cantar en el momento menos oportuno, "¡Viva Las Vegas!", con una consonante añadida para mayor efecto (y no voy a decir aquí cuál consonante, ni en cuál de las palabras del título; eso se los dejo a ustedes, ¿OK?).