1999

¿Dónde Carajos Está el Carajo?
From: 1,000,000 MHz
Date: 2 May 1999

Estimado(a) amigo(a):

El carajo es la palabra más severa de nuestra lengua, la más sostenida y más usada por todos en el propio seno de la familia y aunque los académicos no se han puesto de acuerdo para definirlo, el carajo es el factor indispensable en nuestro vocabulario.

¿Quién de nosotros no usa un par de carajos al dia en su conversación? El carajo significa todo y no significa nada. Todas las sensaciones del mundo se pueden traducir en un solo carajo.

Un amigo al encontrarse con otro le da una palmadita en la espalda y exclama: "Carajo chico... ¿qué era de tu vida?"

El que desprecia las cosas y miserias de la vida dice: "Todo me importa un carajo".

El hombre que ha visto todos los lugares dice: "Ya no tengo a donde carajo ir".

El hombre que es pobre dice: "Soy pobre, pero ¿qué carajo puedo hacer?"

El hombre que no se distrae con nada o no visita ningun sitio dice: "Para vivir así, más vale irse al carajo".

Acostumbramos mandar al carajo a cualquiera que se nos interpone y de otros decimos que no vale más que un carajo a la vela.

Oímos decir a todo el mundo: "Fulano es mas bruto que el carajo"; "La muchacha es más linda que el carajo".

Cuentan de un maestro de obras a quien le faltaban materiales para terminar la construcción, que puso un letrero que decia: "Al carajo albañiles que se acabó la mezcla".

Si un comerciante le va mal en el negocio dice: "Si las cosas siguen así, me voy a tener que ir pa'l carajo".

Lo mismo le decimos al terminar esta carta: "Váyase al mismísimo carajo si no le gustó el buen rato que le hemos hecho pasar."

Atentamente:
Un amigo que te aprecia más que el carajo.

¿Dónde Carajos Está el Carajo?
From: Ezequiel Gonzalez
Date: 30 Apr 1999

Las islitas Carajos se encuentran en el Oceano Índico. En los tiempos precolombinos los países Europeos gustaban de comerciar con la India y otros destinos orientales, pero para llegar a los mismos por vía marítima tenían que darle la vuelta al África. Así pues, cuando alguien en España quería mandar a alguien a un lugar solitario bien, pero bien, bien lejos, lo mandaba para el carajo.

De paso, la Marina de Guerra de Los Estados Unidos de Norteamérica [USNAVY] tiene una base naval en una isla desierta por allá por el Oceano Índico. La base se llama Diego García, y si buscan en el mapa, la isla de Diego García está un poquito más lejos que las islitas Carajos. Cuentan que dado que ésta es una isla-base-militar en medio del oceano, casi todos los que el NAVY envía a dicho lugar extienden su contrato de servicio militar por varios largos años... con tal de que los envíen a otro lugar.

La moraleja del asunto es que sólo el US NAVY lo puede enviar a usted más allá del carajo; y que de así hacerlo, usted va a terminar quedandose en el Navy por muchos largos años.

Receta de Pavo
From: Pancho
Date: 20 Oct 1999

Hola, saludos desde Chile.

Una receta que les debe ser familiar

COMO COCINAR UN PAVO AL TEQUILA:

paso 1.- Vaya a comprar un pavo de 3 kilos y una botella de tequila.
paso 2.- Tómese un trago de tequila.
paso 3.- Ponga el pavo en el horno.
paso 4.- Tómese otros dos tragos de tequila.
paso 5.- Ponga el grado a 375 hornos.
paso 6.- Tómese tres tequilas más de trago.
paso 7.- Horna el prendo.
paso 8.- Tómese 4 tequilos más de Traguila.
paso 9.- Peva el mato.
paso 10.- Tequila otra botella de traer.
paso 11.- Inserte pavo en el termometro.
paso 12.- Tequílese sirva de copa.
paso 13.- Hornee el tequila por 4 horas.
paso 14.- Saque el horno del pavo.
paso 15.- Saque el horno del pavo.
paso 16.- Pave el piso del levante.
paso 17.- Repave el Lleno.
paso 18.- Consígase otra tequella de Botila.
paso 19.- Monga la pesa y tómese una copa de Pavila.
paso 20.- Bendiga la dicción, cómase y psese...

Lisssssssto...

Decilioso

MMMMMMm Un nequilita?

¿Tendrás Tiempo?
From: eym
Date: 20 Oct 1999

Cuando te levantabas esta mañana, te observaba y esperaba que me hablaras, aunque fuera unas cuantas palabras, preguntando mi opinión o agradeciendome por algo bueno que te haya sucedido ayer. Pero noté que estabas muy ocupado buscando la ropa adecuada para poderte ir al trabajo.

Seguí esperando de nuevo. Mientras corrías por la casa arreglandote, supe que habría unos cuantos minutos para que te detuvieras y me dijeras ¡¡¡HOLA!!!!, pero estabas demasiado ocupado(a).

Te observé mientras ibas rumbo al trabajo y esperé pacientemente todo el día. Con todas tus actividades supongo que estabas demasiado ocupado(a) para decierme algo. Pero está bien... aún queda mucho tiempo.

Después encendiste el televisor. Esperé pacientemente. Mientras veías el televisor, cenabas, pero nuevamente te olvidaste de hablar conmigo y nada.

A la hora de dormir, creo que ya estabas muy cansado(a). Después de decirle "buenas noches a tu familia", caíste en tu cama y casi de inmediato te dormiste.

No hay problema, porque quizás no te das cuenta de que siempre estoy ahi para ti. Tengo más paciencia de la que te imaginas. También quisiera enseñarte como tener paciencia para con otros. Te AMO tanto que espero todos los días por una oración, un pensamiento o un poco de gratitud de tu corazón.

Bueno, te estás levantando de nuevo, y otra vez esperaré sin nada más que mi amor por ti, esperando que el día de hoy me dediques un poco de tiempo.

¡¡¡Que tengas un buen dia!!!!

Tu amigo JESÚS

PD- ¿Tendrás suficiente tiempo como para enviar esto a un amigo tuyo?

Que Dios Te Bendiga.

Millennia Year Application Software System
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 30 Mar 1999

Memorandum on the implementation of new Y2K compliant software system

TO: all employees
MEMO RE: Millennia Year Application Software System
DATE:

This memo is to announce the development and full-phase implementation of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data centre that will house all firm data that is Post-Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" or simply "MYASS". I am very excited about this latest enhancement to our current system and am sure that soon everyone will be as excited about MYASS.

Next Monday at 9:00 am I'd like all staff in the department to attend an important meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. I will also be holding demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS and see first hand its amazing capacity. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can use MYASS at one time due to the single available data input terminal. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into my assistant's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried deep in MYASS.

I have, however, noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had my secretary say to me, "I'm a little nervous, since I've never put anything in MYASS before. Will it be compatible with my OLE system?" I volunteered to help her through her first time with the help of my MS installer and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to becoming a regular user. She went so far as to say that after having used SAP and Oracle, she was almost ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

I am also aware that highly sensitive information will be logged in so I've made privacy an issue of primary concern. Because of the revolutionary encryption technology and other extraordinary security precautions I would like all staff to rest assured that their use of MYASS will remain highly confidential. All employees are asked to pay extra attention to safeguarding passwords and not to make known their use of MYASS to those not directly concerned. To further minimise unauthorised external leakage I would welcome all staff to bring any security concerns they may have to my attention.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS without fear of possible crashes or down-time. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand an entire daily log to an employee and say confidently, "Here, stick this in MYASS, it can handle it."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Assessment Chair Person exclaimed proudly, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".

Rescuing the Cat
From: Joke List
Date: 15 April 1999

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

COMENTARIO: ¡Uy Uy Uy! ¡Pero qué individuo más imbécil!

You Know It's Going to Be a Bad Day in the Emergency Room When...
From: Opinicus
Date: 22 Jul 1999

You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...

You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.

The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.

The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.

Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.

Your next five patients and their families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.

Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.

The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet."

Your next patient has maggots but isn't dead.

The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.

The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.

The Department is completely empty and one of the off-going shift says, "It's been that way all night, hope you have a quiet day!"

No one remembered to buy coffee.

You have writers' cramp and still have 7 hours of the shift left.

The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus was placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.

You get a subpoena for a lawsuit a on a patient that walked out of the department against medical advice two years ago. You can only hope that is what the attorney wants to talk about.

The Hospital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."

In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.

The paramedics who offered to go out and pick up lunch (and coffee) just advised over the radio they have witnessed a motor vehicle accident involving a transit bus versus a minivan. "Stand by for update."

It's the first day for the new medical interns, paramedic and nursing students all at the same time.

The paramedics tell you the patient you just received with a closed head injury, flail chest, and positive belly tap is in "much better shape than the one still being cut out of the minivan."

You hear there is an influenza epidemic traveling like wild fire through the local convalescent homes.

The psychiatric patients' delusions are beginning to make sense.

Situational Genesis
From: HumorShack.com
Date: Aug 9 1999

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.

Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.)

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

And it said, I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

A Well Needed Vacation
From: Stan Thomas
Date: 24 Sep 1999

Two priests had never taken a vacation in their thirty years of serving the Church. They both decided to take a trip to Hawaii to relax. When they arrived, they didn't want to be recognized as priests, so they went to a tourist shop and bought shorts, tank tops, sandals, and other touristy beach paraphenalia. They went down to the beach, laid out in the sand, and talked with each other about life, their beliefs, and what a burden the average layperson was.

After they had been at the beach for a couple of hours, a beautiful woman walked by in a skimpy bikini, and they both just stared. As she passed them, she said, "Hello, father. Hello, father."

Now they just couldn't stand that. Their cover had been blown.

They went back to the tourist shop and asked for the loudest, brightest beach clothes they could get. And did they get it! They shorts were so loud that they had to cover their ears. The shirts, so bright that they needed sunglasses.

"There's no way that ANYBODY could recognise us now," they each thought.

So they went back down to the beach, laid out in the sand, and talked with each other about their beliefs, life, and what a burden the average layperson was.

After another two hours had passed, the same beautiful woman passed by, and again they just stared. As she passed, she again said, "Hello, father. Hello, father."

Dumbfounded that they were so easily recognised, one of they priests said, "That's right, we are priests, and we're damned proud to be priests. But could you tell us, please, how you could see through our disguises. It is about to worry us to death, so could you please tell us."

The woman said, "Father, you don't recognise ME? I'm Sister Teresa."

Introducing WHITE TRASH BARBIE
From: James T. Kirk
Date: 27 Oct 1999

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-therr-better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend!

Every WHITE TRASH BARBIE comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (it's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watchin' TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals. (*Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama). Waffle House uniform sold separately.

Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.

Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again and again!

Action Bitch Pull String! Barbie can say 11 phrases including, "I tol' jew #$%&@* kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee", "Whur's my #$%&@* cigarettes?", and more.

ALSO AVAILABLE:

1. Barbie double-wide dream trailer: Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's mangey pet dog Rufus, also included. Trailer disassembles for use with the Tornado Time Action Playset (Sold separately).

2. Barbie dream car: 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors, smokin' chokin' exhaust*, and coathanger radio antenna. Holds two White Trash Barbies or fifteen MexMigrant Barbies (Sold separately). (*Smoke non-toxic, unless breathed.)

3. Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and BitchSlap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses and mumbles when string is pulled. African-American version available (excl. Mississippi).

4. Married Life Ken with Beer-Bustin' Expanding Waist*. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, and chips. Says "Shut up, woman," and "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Computer Things We Would Never Know Without the Movies
From: Ben FW
Date: 5 Nov 1999

THINGS ABOUT COMPUTERS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES:

You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display two-inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer (that annoying tapping sound) as the characters come across the screen.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."

The Slogan
From: dcoble
Date: 11 Nov 1999

The Schlager Lager Beer Company was experiencing a slump in sales. The Advertising Department suggested a contest to pick a sales-slogan for the beer.

Entries were numerous and the judges finally narrowed the choices down to about fifty and could go no further. To pick a slogan and declare a winner, they drew one of the entries from a drum.

The winning slogan was, "Schlager Lager Beer Is Like Making Love in a Canoe". The Advertising Department and their artists took hold of the slogan and, soon, there were billboards and magazine advertisements proclaiming, "Schlager Lager Beer Is Like Making Love in a Canoe". Accompanying the slogan, was a picture of a beautiful girl in a canoe on a moonlit lake with a Six-pack of Schlager Lager Beer and her beau in the background.

Sales jumped beyond all expectations and the company hit the big time. Soon, however, letters began arriving wanting to know why Schlager Lager Beer was like making love in a canoe. Nobody in the company had the faintest idea of what was behind the slogan.

The Advertising Manager contacted the original winner of the contest and received this answer in return:

"When you advertised your contest, I was in need of the Ten Thousand Dollars you were offering as a cash prize, so I bought a Six-pack of Schlager Lager Beer.

"After drinking the entire Six-pack over a period of three days, I concluded Schlager Lager Beer was like making love in a canoe, because making love in a canoe is fucking close to water, and that is what your beer is."

E-Mail Screw Ups
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 2 Dec 1999

Many Universities colleges, and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address.

I.E. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realise the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (but probably not funny to the individual involved).

Some examples follow:

Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonsht@dku.edu

Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu

George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu

Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu

Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com

Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu

Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu

Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com

Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
FROM: Lesleyanne (La Chech)
DATE: 12 Dec 1999

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Me Three Kings Disoriented Are

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID DISORDER:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
While Shepards watched me!

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Blue Christmas

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

PSYCHOPATH:
People Roasting on an Open Fire.
Grandma got run over by ME.

AUTISM
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Happy Christmas—The war is never over.

AGORAPHOBIC
I can't leave home for Christmas.
I'll Be Home For the Holidays.

INSOMNIAC
I can't dream of a White Christmas

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
Whose child is this....please!

DISORIENTATION:
I Saw Mommy Kissing The Easter Bunny

APATHY:
I Dont Really Care if You Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.

UNCONTROLLED ANGER
Deck the Relatives

ALCOHOLISM
Rudolph the red nosed Uncle
Bells will be ringing
Little Drummer Boy in my head

DRUG ADDICT
White Christmas

DRUG PUSHER
Frosty the Snowman

ADULTERY
I saw mommy ****ing Santa Claus

SUICIDAL IDEATION
Christmas in Heaven

ALZHEIMER'S
Do they know it's Christmas?
The reason for the season????????????
What child is this?
O Christmas pee, O Christmas pee
It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Labor Day

DEMENTIA
I believe in Santa Claus
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

SEASONAL ADJUSTMENT DISORDER
Winter wonderland, my ass.
God, don't let it snow!

SOCIAL PHOBIA:
I'll Be Home For Christmas..........But Not At Your House

RECOVERY:
The 12 Steps of Christmas

SEPARATION ANXIETY
Go tell it on the mountains and wait for me!!!
Christmas without you.

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER:
O hell, O hell

PANIC DISORDER:
Oh, Holy Cow

MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME:
All I Want For Christmas Is Something That Isn't Contagious

FOR THOSE OF US ON MEDICATION:
Oh, Calm All Ye Faithful

CLAUSTROPHOBIC
I'll be staying in the mountains...

BULIMIA NERVOSA
Chestnuts roasting by an... ugggghh!

A Lawyer's Christmas Greeting
From: Cerberus - The Dog of Hell
Date: 17 Dec 1999

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders...