Regresar a 'Humor... según LDB'

Light Bulbs and The Law
From: Imdat Solak
Date: 2 Aug 1997

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three — one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.  The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes.

Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note:  The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership."

The Greatest Beer In The World
From: THE BIG PIG/Kcds3
Date: 13 Sep 1997

More silliness about the greatest beer in the world.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."  The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?," and the Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Geneaology of Jack Schitt
From: Cheryll Facun
Date: 3 Nov 1997

The genealogy, or lineage of a family is sometimes complex...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."

For your information, Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, owner of KneeDeep 'n Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull.

Against his parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt unfortunately divorced.

Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her younger kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada and they produced a son, Chicken.  Fulla and Giva were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horace.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Why Email Is Like a Penis
From: Michael Abdelmalek
Date: 1 Dec 1997

Reasons Why Email Is Like a Penis:

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it gives them power.  They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Barbie's Wish List
From: C. David Salico
Date: 10 Dec 1997

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties.  I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?  It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe!  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.  How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years—I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

NOTA:  Vea también: "Carta de Barbie y Ken a Santa Claus".  — LDB.

12 days of Xmas (humor)
FROM: Marc Richard Wollemborg
DATE: 17 December 1997

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.  What a delightful gift.  I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes


December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine, two turtle doves....  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes


December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one!  Now I must protest.  I don't deserve such generosity.  Three french hens.  They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes


December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds.  Now really!  They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?  You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes


December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered five golden rings.  One for each finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes


December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.  PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes


December 20th


What's with you and those fucking birds????  Seven swans a-swimming.  What kind of goddam joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket.  I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.  IT'S NOT FUNNY.......  So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes


December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows.  There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house.  Just lay off me.  SMART ASS.



December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers playing.  And Christ - do they play.  They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds.  No wonder they screech.  What am I going to do?  The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me.  You'll get yours.

>From Ag


December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.  They've been balling those nine pipers all night long.  Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.  I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag


December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"?  Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows.  All 234 of the birds are dead.  They have been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.  The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

COMENTARIO: ¿Se fijan por qué a mí ni me cae en gracia la cancioncita esa de los 12 días de Navidad?

Drinking Buddies
FROM: Joke List
DATE: 21 December 1997

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.  One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel—that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up.  But It doesn't.  He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great—NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy.  The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!!  You don't have a hangover?", and he says "No—that jet fuel is great stuff—no hangover—we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"


"Did you FART yet??"


"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

NOTA: "SFO" es la designación para el aeropuerto internacional de San Francisco, California.  — LDB.

Created on November 12, 2006.  Updated on September 26, 2008.  © 2006, 2008 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.