Julio a diciembre de 2009

Julio de 2009

Salida de la crisis

COLOCADO POR: Escopeto
FECHA: 6 Jul 2009

NOTA: Cualquier parecido con la actual crisis económica de Puerto Rico... ¡es pura pocavergüenza!

 

Es agosto, en una pequeña ciudad de costa, todos tienen deudas y viven a base de créditos.

Por fortuna, llega un ruso forrado y entra en un pequeño hotel con encanto.  Pide una habitación y pone un billete de 200 en la mesa del recepcionista y se va a ver las habitaciones.

El jefe del hotel agarra el billete y sale corriendo a pagar sus deudas con el carnicero.

Este coge el billete y corre a pagar su deuda con el criador de cerdos.

A su turno éste se da prisa a pagar lo que le debe al proveedor de pienso para animales.

El del pienso coge el billete al vuelo y corre a liquidar su deuda con la meretriz (reputa para alumnos de la LOGSE) a la que hace tiempo que no paga.  En tiempos de crisis, hasta ella ofrece servicios a crédito.

La prostituta coge el billete y sale para el pequeño hotel donde había traído a sus clientes las últimas veces y que todavía no había pagado y le entrega el billete al recepcionista.

En este momento baja el ruso, que acaba de echar un vistazo a las habitaciones, dice que no le convence ninguna, pide al recepcionista que le devuelva su billete y se va.

Nadie ha ganado un duro, pero ahora toda la ciudad vive sin deudas y mira el futuro con confianza.

Moraleja: SI EL DINERO CIRCULA SE ACABA LA CRISIS...

¿Pero dónde cojones está el ruso?

 

COMENTARIO: Pues yo no puedo contestar eso, pero lo que sé es que el gobernador de Puerto Rico y la legislatura también andan detrás de él...


It works out fine

COLOCADO POR: timantide
FECHA: 7 Jul 2009

 

According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather trousers.

That actually works out rather well, since 100% of men who wear leather trousers don't like women.


A proven fact

COLOCADO POR: timantide
FECHA: 7 Jul 2009

 

Scientists have just announced that you are more likely to die of what your Grandad died of, rather than your father as first thought.

For fuck's sake.... if anyone sees any German snipers hanging around please let me know....

 

COMENTARIO: ¡Hmmm!  Por eso es que yo SIEMPRE tengo cautela cuando me acerco al balcón de un piso que no sea en tierra...


A 'new' kind of chess

COLOCADO POR: timantide
FECHA: 8 Jul 2009

 

I read an article the other day which claimed that over 70% of bishops are gay.

Imagine if they changed the rules of chess now to acknowledge this fact... the bishops would still move in the same directions but could only be taken from behind.

 

COMENTARIO: Ah, pues entonces al alfil de ajedrez... ¡mejor lo dejo sin mover!


A new game

COLOCADO POR: timantide
FECHA: 9 Jul 2009

 

My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our sex lives.

Unfortunately, "guess who I shagged last night?" didn't go down very well.

 

COMENTARIO: Me imagino que el juego de "Adivina quién es el que está esnú detrás de la cortina" tampoco funcionaría aquí...


Message in the snow

COLOCADO POR: timantide
FECHA: 11 Jul 2009

 

I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car.  It was no fun, let me tell you—I was hungry, lonely and fucking freezing.  I barely slept a wink.

In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way.  Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house.  When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window.  She looked so happy to see me.  Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too.  We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times.  I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with.  She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door.  The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind.  Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...

HANNAH, WILL YOU MA...

I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...

...KE ME A CUP OF TEA AND A SANDWICH?

That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me.

 

COMENTARIO: No es por alabar al individuo, pero ¡QUÉ CLASSE 'E BESTIA!  Yo creo que lo que él se merece es quedarse "espeta'o" en la nieve hasta que se derritan todos los glaciares del mundo... o hasta que comience el Siglo 22, lo que ocurra primero.


Golf Outing

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 28 Jul 2009

 

Golf Outing

After his recent hole in one, Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 3-day golf outing.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't allow it.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally frustrated.  The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf resort to play golf, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Frank?"

"I didn't have to," Frank replied.  "Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.  Then, the wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.'  When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'.....

SO, HERE I AM!"

 

MENSAJE PARA LA ESPOSA DE FRANK: No se queje, senora, porque ESO fue exactamente lo que usted le pidió a él, ¿OK?


Is this a typical German joke?

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 29 Jul 2009

NOTA: La nota inicial es presuntamente de un amigo del autor (quien presumo que está expresando su opinión de que los alemanes no tienen sentido del humor—o eso es a lo que entiendo que se refiere).  — LDB.

 

From a friend:

I have just translated this from German.  It needs polishing and Germans are world famous for not having any sense of you know what.  Maybe you can help to make it a proper English joke.

**

Father & Son shark were swimming in the sea.  They noticed a group of people swimming on the surface.

Father shark said: "Let's go up and swim around them three times showing our fin just a little".

They did that and went back down again.  Father said: "Let's do it again but this time really show them our fins".

They did that and dived down again.

Father said: "Now let's attack them from below and eat them all".

It was a frenzy.

Later the two sharks were drifting along happily and contentedly.  The son asked: "Daddy, why did we have to do all this surfacing and circling?  Couldn't we have attacked them straight away?"

Dad said: "That's true, but they taste much better once they've emptied their bowels".

 

COMENTARIO: Tremenda manera de fomentar la unidad familiar.  Y recuerde que... "La familia que depreda unida, permanece unida."  ;-)


SEX

COLOCADO POR: Mad Mark
FECHA: 27 Jul 2009

NOTA: Y ahora que tengo su atención...

 

A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Seaside cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

 

COMENTARIO: Y yo hubiera pensado que la discusión sería de algo más trascendente, como "cuántas patas tiene el coquí" o "por dónde le entra el agua al coco"...


Agosto de 2009

The rating system

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 2 Aug 2009

 

Three men are walking down the street.  One is from California, one is from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.

A good looking woman walks by... the man from California states, "She's about an 8."

The man from New York states, "No, no... she's a 6."

The man from St. Louis says, "Hell no, she's a 1."

The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and say, "Well, she was not that good looking."

All three continue walking down the strip.  As chance happens another woman walks by.  She is more beautiful than the first.

The man from California exclaims, "9!"

The man from New York cries, "8.5!"

The man from St. Louis says, "2."

The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all types."

Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.

The man from California and New York simultaneously state, "10."

The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5."

The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  "Are you gay?"  "She was beautiful!"

The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser method."

The man from California asks, "What is that?"

The man from St. Louis responds, "The Budweiser method is to see how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

 

COMENTARIO: Y yo lo que tomo es Coors Light...  Creo que es hora de cambiar de sistema...


Back in jail

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Aug 2009

 

Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.

"Hmmm, quite a record," he said.  "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault, forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."

"Yeah, I know," said Todd.  "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."


Pull the Pin and Throw the Grenade

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 4 Aug 2009

 

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course.  He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions.

"Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!"

The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant!

A few months later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men killed in battle.  He goes up to the private—no hard feelings because heaven is, well, great—and asks him how he bit the dust.

Responds the private: "Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys," he thumbs behind him, "got caught in the jeep under the fire.  I managed to make it to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled the pin and lever.  The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade back onto my belt.”

 

COMENTARIO: ¡Pero que soldado raso más bruto!  Y eso, que no le tiró el pin al enemigo...


Senior Citizens and AIDs

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 13 Aug 2009

 

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLLAIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)


A Ride Home

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Aug 2009

 

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.  "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."  Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano?  Thash mine.  You shee that giant television set?  Thast mine too.  Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor.  The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.  "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced.  "Shee the bed there?  Thast mine!  Shee that woman lying in the bed?  Thash my wife.  An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously.  Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

 

COMENTARIO: Me imagino que el dolor de cabeza que él tendrá al día siguiente no será sólo del hangover...


Keep your story straight

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Aug 2009

 

Joe had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly.  "What happened, son?," his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response.  "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Joe.  "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get the hell out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal?  'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.'  Did you tell her that?," asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I got it all wrong," Joe groaned.  "I said, 'MY Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

 

COMENTARIO: Menos mal que al papá de Joe no se le ocurrió sugerir que le hablara a su novia sobre el crepúsculo... ¡hubiera sido muchísimo peor!


The policeman's wife

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 19 Aug 2009

 

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation.  After a week he joined them in the hotel.  As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".  Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"  Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach.  All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them.

"Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"

Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness.  We hadn't seen each other for an entire week.  Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time.  But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

 

COMENTARIO: O sea, ¿ya ella tenía "antecedentes"?


The worst way

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 22 Aug 2009

 

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."

So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

 

COMENTARIO: No, y el trabajo que debe costar eso...


A very bad dream

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 22 Aug 2009

 

Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night.  I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world.  Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row."

The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo.  That doesn't sound so terrible."

Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

 

COMENTARIO: Eso SÍ que es una pesadilla...


Signs your life is about to change...

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 25 Aug 2009

 

10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.

9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.

8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.

7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids and six pallbearers.

6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I don't do autopsies."

5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with, "Dear Weenie..."

4. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following dialogue box: ICBM launch successful.  Confirm strike?  (Y/N)

3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.

2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-Haul van and a truck which looks similar to the ones on old Beverly Hillbillies TV show.

1. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

 

COMENTARIO: ¡A juyirrrrr!


What do I look like?

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 27 Aug 2009

 

A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.

"Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely.

"What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a slot machine!?"

 

COMENTARIO: Yo mejor ni me acerco a preguntar para qué quiere el... esteeeeeeeeee... muchchachito ése el salami...


Septiembre de 2009

My daughters mistake

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Sep 2009

NOTA: Dedicado a aquell@s de ustedes que todavía tienen su página en MySpace...

 

My 15 year-old daughter has just discovered social networking websites.

Unfortunately she keeps confusing Facebook and My Space and ends up inviting people to "come on My Face".

On the upside, she's got 273,412 friends now.

 

COMENTARIO: ¿Y por qué me miran así?  Yo ni siquiera tengo a esa chica en mi lista de MySpace, ¿OK?  Es más... ¡yo ya ni tengo página en MySpace!


I tried to help

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Sep 2009

 

I've tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm.

However, I've now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.

 

COMENTARIO: ¡Pero qué classe 'e bruto!  Además, para eso está el email, ¿no?


Telling the future

COLOCADO POR: kolexy
FECHA: 16 Sep 2009

 

Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did.  So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.

One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas.  They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code.  They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret.  This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."

Bush wanted to see this for himself.  So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur.

Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy.  He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"

Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming."


Why the USA is in trouble

COLOCADO POR: broadssailor
FECHA: 22 Sep 2009

NOTA: Cualquier parecido con... ¡OK, ya ustedes saben!

 

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the USA is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  His response—click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, "don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"  (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?  I said, "No."  She said, "But they look so close on the map.  (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."  (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.  I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"  I said, 'No, why do you ask?'  He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!"  After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.  (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"  I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"  I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh, no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."  I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."  I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do you have?," replied the man.  After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."  The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"  So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"  The reply?  "Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

COMENTARIO: Ningún político puertorriqueño fue lastimado durante la realización de este chiste... ¡porque ninguno está incluido en el mismo!


Octubre de 2009

Tratando de escapar de la policia

COLOCADO POR: Juanito
FECHA: 22 Oct 2009

 

Tratando de escapar de la policia, un ladrón entra a un centro comercial.  El capitán ordena a los uniformados:

"Quiero que me cubran todas las salidas.  !No quiero que se escape!"

Los guardianes del orden cubren todas las salidas del centro comercial; sin embargo, el ratero escapa.

"Capitán, el ladrón se nos escapo!"

"¡¿Que no les dije que cubrieran todas la salidas?!", responde furioso el jefe.

"Es que el muy vivo se escapó por la entrada".

 

COMENTARIO: Yo no sé, pero a mí esto se me parece sospechosamente al plan de la Policía de Puerto Rico para combatir el crimen...


Three Morticians

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Oct 2009

 

There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night.

The first one says, "What a day I had today.  The guy wasn't wearing his seat belt and his head flew into the windshield.  Took me all day to make the face look natural."

Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad?  I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike.  Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!"

The third mortician just shook his head.  "You guys have it easy," he said.  "I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open.  She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"

 

COMENTARIO: A todo esto, ya que no hace mucho tuvimos el caso del "muerto para'o", ¿no hubiera sido mejor poner a la difunta parcaidista—con todo y asta de bandera—a "bailar en el tubo"?  Digo, es sólo una sugerencia...


The Old Woman and the Preacher

COLOCADO POR: Ardy Dub
FECHA: 21 Oct 2009

 

An elderly woman attended an outdoor revival tent meeting.  The young energetic preacher started decrying the evils of pornography.  The old woman waved her hands in the air and urged him on.  "Say it, Brother!  Tell it like it is!" she exclaimed.

He went on to denounce the evils of gambling.  "Lordy, Yes!" she exclaimed.

He berated the sins of alcohol.  "Amen, Hallelujah!" she cried out.

Then he started talking about the evil of chewing tobacco.  The old woman jumped to her feet and shouted, "Just a minute, there, preacher-man!  You've crossed the line from preaching and now you're just meddlin'!"

 

COMENTARIO: ¿Se fijan?  Cuando se trata de los pecados de los demás, ¡fuego y azufre!  Pero a mí, ¡que no me toquen!


Noviembre de 2009

Pants

COLOCADO POR: Dave
FECHA: 24 Nov 2009

NOTA: El título fue abreviado del original.  LDB.

 

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

"She did and said, 'These are too big.  I can't wear them.'

"I replied, 'Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'  Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.  He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on..."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large.  They don't fit me."  Mike said, "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike...  She said, "Here, you try on mine."

Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties."

Karen said, "Exactly.  And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

 

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué pantalones!... los de él, por supuesto...


Matter of Inches

COLOCADO POR: SamIAm
FECHA: 26 Nov 2009

 

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis."  They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.  "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.  But this is something you should discuss with your wife.  If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.  The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.  "And has she helped you make a decision?"  "Yes" says the man.  "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, qué bonito!  Yo hubiese preferido construirme una piscina a todo lujo...


Diciembre de 2009

Question

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 22 Dec 2009

NOTA: He aquí una pregunta que por lo menos a mí me da bastante en qué pensar:

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

 

COMENTARIO: Y lo mejor es que esa misma pregunta se la hacen 10 de cada nueve personas... o por lo menos aquéllas que fracasaron en el curso de estadística básica.


Parking

COLOCADO POR: Diogenes
FECHA: 24 Dec 2009

 

I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint.  And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes and pulled right into the handicap spot.

He got out of the car and there was nothin' wrong with him, don't you hate that?  So I ran his ass over.

I made an honest man out of him!  And his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me!

 

COMENTARIO: Bueno que te pase...  Pero no te apures, éste es de los menos.


¡Feliz Año Nuevo!
¡Nos vemos en el 2010!


Created on July 12, 2009.  Last updated on December 27, 2009.
© 2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.