Bueno, mi gente, es hora de dejar el 2008 atrás y empezar a reírnos del mundo en el 2009... shall we?
Cultura general
COLOCADO POR: Wilson Awad F.
FECHA: 16 Jan 2009
NOTA: El título en esta versión fue corregido del original.
Los alimentos tardan 7 segundos en ir de su boca al estómago.
Un pelo humano puede soportar el peso de 3 kg .
El pene de un hombre medio tiene tres veces el tamaño de su dedo pulgar.
El hueso de la cadera es más sólido que el cemento.
El corazón de una mujer late más rápido que el de un hombre.
Hay alrededor de mil millares de bacterias en cada uno de sus pies.
Las mujeres parpadean dos veces más a menudo que los hombres.
La piel de un humano pesa 2 veces más que su cerebro.
Su cuerpo utiliza 300 músculos solo para mantenerse en equilibrio estando de pie.
Si su saliva no puede disolver algún alimento, no lo puede saborear.
Las mujeres ya han terminado de leer este mensaje.
Los hombres siguen midiéndose el dedo pulgar...
COMENTARIO: Bueno, lo único que voy a decir en mi defensa es que... mis dedos son de tamaño normal. PUNTO.
Young Lovers
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 2 Jan 2009
There is nothing more beautiful than two young lovers steaming up a shower stall—something that's obviously lost on that manager at Home Depot.
COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOPS! Pero total, todo lo que esta parejita quería era ponerse "fresquita"... ¡uy, perdón!... fresquecita.
A Sick Wife
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Jan 2009
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
COMENTARIO: ¡Qué individuo más... esteeeeeeeeee... "cómodo" (por no llamarlo "vago")!
What a Company
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Jan 2009
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido entre esta "compañía" y el Congreso de los Estados Unidos... ¡es pura pocavergüenza! Y ni se diga de la asamblea legislativa de cierta posesión estadounidense en el Caribe Occidental (y no son ni las Islas Vírgenes ni la isla de Navassa)...
Wives are too tired to have sex......
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 7 Jan 2009
Jenny was so tired trying to do it all, but one evening, she arrived home from work to find the children fed, bathed, & doing homework, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished—something was up.
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé cómo lo vean ustedes, sobre todo mis lectoras, pero creo que en este caso, todos salieron ganando...
Convicted Felon
COLOCADO POR: Marvel
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.
After 3 years in jail, he managed to escape, his escape was all over the evening news.
To be careful, he worked his way home taking less travelled routes, slinking through deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of to travel the over one hundred miles to his home.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and yelled at him, "You good-for-nothing piece of shit! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
COMENTARIO: ¿Y ahora, cuál es el peor de los castigos, ah?
At the British Embassy
COLOCADO POR: tomdzip[at]gmail.com
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
COMENTARIO: Le oooooooooops!
After just having sex.......
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 5 Jan 2009
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
COMENTARIO: Tanta prisa tenía ella que no esperó por mí... ¡ejem!... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡vamos a dejar eso ahí, que eso me compromete!
Question
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 18 Jan 2009
NOTA: ...
Johnny: "Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?"
Father: "Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!"
Mother: "Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?"
Johnny: "It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone".
COMENTARIO: ¡Pero bendito! Si hay quien dice que estos... esteeeeeeeeee... animalitos son una buena fuente de proteínas...
Finish yet?
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
COMENTARIO: ¡Mamma mia! ¡Qué clase 'e bestia es el individuo!
Bad memory
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009
Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off.
"Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now."
"What do you mean?" asked Bob.
The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts."
"What happened, where did it go wrong?"
The tramp replied, "forgot my fucking mother's maiden name."
COMENTARIO: Una manera medio cínica de decir, "acuérdate de tu madre"...
A new priest
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 13 Jan 2009
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
"I’ve got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
"Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'"
The younger priest practices these sayings, too.
"Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: 'No way! What happened next?'"
COMENTARIO: Bueno, pudo haber sido peor, que dijera como Álvarez-Guedes... "¡ñoooooooooo!"
Govt at werk
COLOCADO POR: tomdzip[at]gmail.com
FECHA: 16 Jan 2009
Mayor Ravenstahl and the County's chief exec Dan Onorato, got into an argument over which is more important to the world: the sun or the moon.
For whatever the reason, they put the problem to the City Council. The council deliberated over the question for many hours before they pronounced in favor of the moon, with the logic that: "If there was no moon we would not be able to see anything at night; and besides, the sun shines only during the day when we need no light."
COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con el manejo de los asuntos en el gobierno de Puerto Rico, es pura... esteeeeeeeee... ¡pocavergüenza!
To my darling husband
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 24 Jan 2009
NOTA: El URL que aparece en el chiste es al blog del señor Croucher, Funny Jokes and Pics.
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife. XX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
(Picture of messed-up cars here: http://funnyjokesnpics.blogspot.com/.)
COMENTARIO: Yo lo único que les digo es esto: Vayan al enlace del blog del señor Croucher, vean la foto y juzguen ustedes mismos, ¿OK?
In the timing.....
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 23 Jan 2009
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:
You've been listening to your iPod.
COMENTARIO: ¿Se fijan? No siempre es bueno "recostarse" de la tecnología avanzada, ¿OK?
Church Service
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 28 Jan 2009
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No," he said, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?"
"Could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
COMENTARIO: ¿Y qué tal si el agricultor le pregunta al predicador si el Juicio será en el Centro Judicial de San Juan, o en el más cercano a su finca... digo, para que él y la doña no tengan que hacer un viaje muy largo?
Heavenly Call
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 28 Jan 2009
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
COMENTARIO: Bueno y ¿cuál es el problema aquí? Si este pastor está haciendo lo que le dijeron que hiciera, ¡y ya!
Communion
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 29 Jan 2009
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
COMENTARIO: OK, para mí ésa es una razón convincente...
Reforma procesal
COLOCADO POR: Wilson Awad F.
FECHA: 1 Feb 2009
Salió el fallo de Caperucita y el Lobo
Versión de la justicia en relación a Caperucita y el Lobo con las ' mejoras' del proyecto de reforma del Código Penal.
Visto y considerando:
1) Que Caperucita no desconocía que podía encontrarse con el Lobo.
2) Que tampoco era ajena al hambre del Lobo, ni a los peligros del bosque.
3) Que si le hubiera ofrecido la cesta de la merienda para que el Lobo calme su hambre, no habrían ocurrido los sucesos referidos más arriba.
4) Que el Lobo no ataca a Caperucita de inmediato, y que hay evidencias que primero conversa con ella.
5) Que es Caperucita quien le da pistas al Lobo y le señala el camino de la casa de la abuelita.
6) Que la anciana es inimputable ya que confunde a su nieta con el Lobo.
7) Que cuando Caperucita llega y el Lobo está en la cama con la ropa de la abuela, Caperucita no se alarma.
8) Que el hecho de que Caperucita confunda al Lobo con la abuelita demuestra lo poco que iba a visitarla, hecho que tipificaría un abandono de persona por parte de la joven Caperucita.
9) Que el Lobo, con preguntas simples y directas, quiere desesperadamente alertar a Caperucita sobre su posible conducta.
10) Que cuando el Lobo, que ya no sabe qué más hacer para alertarla, se come a Caperucita, es porque ya no le quedaba otra solución.
11) Que es altamente posible que antes Caperucita hiciera el amor con el Lobo y lo disfrutara.
12) Que la versión de que Caperucita, cuando oye la pregunta del Lobo: «¿Adónde vas?» responde: «A bañarme desnuda en el río..», cobra cada día más fuerza.
13) Que se desprende del punto anterior que es Caperucita la que provoca los más bajos instintos, brutales y depredadores, en la pobre fiera.
14) Que el Lobo ataca, pero tal hecho corresponde a su propia naturaleza y a su instinto natural y animal, exacerbados por la conducta de la susodicha Caperucita.
15) Que párrafo aparte para la madre de Caperucita, quien exhibe culpabilidad por no acompañar a su hija.
Por todo lo antes dicho, se revoca el fallo de Cámara, absolviéndose al Señor Lobo y se dispone además:
a) Apercibir a la familia de Caperucita, imponiendo a la abuela presentarse en hospital a designar, para su observación gerontológica,
b) A la madre apercibirla para que cumpla correctamente con sus deberes de madre y
c) A Caperucita trabajo comunitario en el Zoológico Local para conocer acabadamente la naturaleza y el instinto animal.
Aclarase asimismo en el presente fallo que este proceso no afecta el buen nombre y honor del Señor Lobo.
Publíquese, archívese, y téngase por firme el presente fallo.
E. Raúl Zaffaroni
COMENTARIO: O sea, que como me cuentan que dicen algunos abogados cuando defienden acusados de violación sexual, el Lobo no se lo estaba "poniendo" a la Caperucita... ¡más bien se lo estaba "quitando"!
Lotería
COLOCADO POR: José Miguel Santibáñez
FECHA: 6 Feb 2009
Un tipo quería apostarle a la lotería, pero estaba indeciso en que número escoger, así que se fue donde la muchacha de la taquilla y le pregunta:
- Mire quiero apostarle 500 dólares a la lotería, pero la verdad es que no sé como escoger los 5 números, a lo mejor usted me puede ayudar!
- Claro, como no, responde ella; ¿por ejemplo dígame cuantas veces ha salido usted del país?
- 4 veces.
- Perfecto ese es su primer número; ¿ahora dígame cuantos hijos tiene?
- 2 hijos.
- ¿Y cuántos libros ha leído este año?
- 5 libros.
- Cuénteme, ¿cuantas veces al mes se la juega a su mujer?.....
- Oiga ¿Pero eso es muy personal no cree?
- Bueno, ¿se quiere o no ganar la lotería?
- Bueno, bueno 2 veces al mes.
- OK y ahora que ya entramos en confianza, ¿dígame cuántas veces en la vida a usted se lo han cogido por el culo?
- Perdone Señorita, pero sepa que yo soy muy ¡¡hombre!!
- Está bien, está bien no se enoje, le dice ella, eso quiere decir que cero (0) veces... ya lo tengo, su número es el 4 2 5 2 0.
Efectivamente el hombre le apuesta los $500 al número; y al siguiente día lo primero que hace es chequear el periódico y se encuentra que el número ganador del premio mayor fue el 4 2 5 2 9 y el hombre exclama:
- ¡Mierda!, eso me pasa por dármelas de macho y ponerme a decir ¡mentiras!
COMENTARIO: Mi'jo, para la próxima, juega por lo menos una "automática con revancha" en la Loto y así saldrás mejor... ¿OK?
Uno de psicolocos
COLOCADO POR: lmdiazm[AT]gmail.com
FECHA: 20 Feb 2009
Un sujeto está en una entrevista de trabajo. Entonces el psicólogo le dice :
- Le voy a realizar un test final para su admisión.
- Perfecto, dice el candidato.
Entonces el psicólogo le pregunta:
- Usted está en una calle oscura y ve a lo lejos dos faros viniendo en su dirección. ¿Usted qué piensa que es?
- Un coche, dice el candidato.
- Un coche es muy poco. ¿Qué tipo de coche? ¿Un BMW, un Audi, un Volkswagen?
- ¿Y cómo lo voy a saber?
- Hummm..., dice el psicólogo, que continúa: le voy a hacer otra pregunta:
- Usted está en la misma calle oscura y ve sólo un faro viniendo en su dirección, ¿qué es?
- Una moto, dice el candidato.
- Si, pero ¿qué tipo de moto? ¿Una Yamaha, una Honda, una Suzuki?
- Pero si es una calle oscura cómo lo voy a saber? (ya medio nervioso)
- Hummm..., dice el psicólogo. Aquí va la última pregunta:
- En la misma calle oscura usted ve de nuevo un solo faro pero más pequeño y percibe que viene más lento, ¿qué es?
- Una bicicleta.
- Si, pero ¿qué tipo de bicicleta?, ¿una Caloi, una Raleigh, una Olmo?
- ¡¡No sé!!
- Lo siento, pero no está admitido, queda eliminado de la prueba—dice el psicólogo.
Entonces el candidato, triste por el resultado, le dice al psicólogo:
- Aunque haya quedado eliminado me ha pareció muy interesante este test. ¿Puedo hacerle una pregunta, en la misma línea de razonamiento?
Y el psicólogo satisfecho responde, ¡claro que puede!
- Usted , está a la tarde casi de noche en una calle mal iluminada. A lo lejos ve una mujer muy maquillada, con un vestido rojo muy corto, un par de botas muy altas y de taco muy fino girando su bolso, ¿qué es?
- ¡Esta claro! - dice el psicólogo - es una puta.
- Si, pero ¿qué puta? ¿Su hermana? ¿Su hija? ¿Su mujer? ¿O su pinche madre?
Philosophy Final Exam
COLOCADO POR: FunHunter
FECHA: 12 Feb 2009
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
COMENTARIO: ¿"Silla"? ¿Qué silla? ¿Quién habló de silla?
Yankees Sign Iraqi Hurler
COLOCADO POR: Henry W. Farkas
FECHA: 12 Feb 2009
Yankees Sign Iraqi Hurler Shoe-throwing Tight-hander Impresses Scouts
In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.
The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankees scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.
While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner. "The first shoe was high and outside but the second one was right down the middle," Mr. Steinbrenner said.
The Yankees' boss said that he was also impressed with Mr. al-Zeidi's fighting spirit when Secret Service agents tackled him. "That could come in handy when we have a series with Boston," he said.
PREGUNTA QUE ME HAGO: ¿No hubiera sido mejor que el propio Bush lo hubiera reclutado para el equipo del que fue condueño en su momento (los Texas Rangers de la Liga Americana del MLB)? Digo, tal vez Bush podría mejorar la oferta de los New York Yankees (además de que son de la misma liga)... ¡Coooooooooontinuaremos!
What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives......
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 16 Feb 2009
NOTA: Tanto en esta versión como en la fuente original falta una parte de la segunda oración del primer párrafo que le da sentido al chiste, por lo que estoy presentando esa oración con puntos suspensivos.
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to . . . "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives—cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening—with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
COMENTARIO: ¡Ay ay ay ay ay! Bueno que eso le ocurra a este individuo, por andar pensando en... ¡en musarañas! Y a todo esto, el botoncito ése, ¿será para que a él no se le caigan los pantalones?
A woman will give you...
COLOCADO POR: f_ Anon
FECHA: 16 Feb 2009
NOTA: Seleccionado por J.D. Baldwin para el grupo de discusión rec.humor.funny.
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So—if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.
Quiz: test yourself against these experts :-)
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 28 Feb 2009
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester?
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris?
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party?
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds , what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The .?
Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY SHOW
Q: Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er .
Leslie: He makes bread .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific?
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er... ... er... three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan?
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables .. . . Kor . . ..
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia?
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
COMENTARIO: Después de leer las respuestas de estas "lumbreras", me doy cuenta de que cierta senadora que dijo que nuestros hermanos de un país vecino eran "no tan brillantes... para decirlo de una forma elegante", está en muy buena compañía.
Compassionate Home Leave
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 4 Mar 2009
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
COMENTARIO: No voy a preguntar si el soldado en cuestión hace así el saludo militar... ¡NO! No quiero ni saber eso...
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 9 Mar 2009
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito! Y pensar que de aquí a unos tres meses, vamos a tener por ahí un montón de retirados "voluntariamente" del gobierno...
Debate
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 12 Mar 2009
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.
Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con algún conocido ex-presidente estadounidense, de quien se decía que su esposa—hoy una alta funcionaria del mismo gobierno—era "el poder detrás del trono" (¿he mencionado nombre yoooooooooo?)... como siempre, ¡es pura pocavergüenza!
Re: What Do Retired People Do All Day?
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 10 Mar 2009
NOTA: Este mensaje le da seguimiento al anterior del mismo título.
(from another newsgroup):
I woke up this morning and when I started to get dressed, I remembered I hadn't taken my morning hot shower to get the arthritic joints loosened up. Following the shower, I dressed and looked for my hearing aids. When I found them in my sock drawer, I also found the old wristwatch I wanted to sell because the case is 18 kt gold. I wound the watch, shook it and was amazed that it started and the second hand was moving. I looked for the hearing aids that I had put down when I found the watch, and found them in the drawer with my meds. I took my morning meds and brushed my teeth.
I finished dressing and decided to change my shoes. I took the orthotics out of the shoes I wore yesterday and put the shoes in my closet, taking out my other pair of casual shoes. I looked for the orthotics and discovered that they had somehow gotten mixed in with my socks. I selected a pair of support stockings and put them on, which required a short rest to recover from the physical activity. I put the orthotics into the shoes, and removed them when I discovered the right insert in the left shoe.
I checked in the mirror and decided I didn't need a shave today, but one of the handles on the sliding medicine cabinet doors was loose. I went into my home office and got the pliers, and tightened up the handle. I looked for my comb and when I found it, I combed the few hairs I have into a smoother tangle.
Once in the kitchen, I opened the refrigerator to see if there was anything inside that wasn't there when I closed the door last night. I took a banana and decided to bring in the newspaper before I ate. I put the banana back in the bowl and went to get the paper. When I came back into the kitchen, I looked for the banana, which I forgot was back in the bowl.
As I peeled the banana, I glanced at the clock and was surprised to find that it was 15 minutes until noon. I had gotten out of bed at seven forty-five and somehow, the time had flown. I decided it was too late for breakfast, so I ate the banana and began deciding whether to make lunch or to go out to eat. Instead, I checked my email and it is now 1:11 pm and I am writing this. I may have a cup of coffee and begin planning dinner.
COMENTARIO: ¡Anda pa'l sirete! Son las 6:21 PM cuando escribo esto y yo tampoco he desayuna'o...
Good News / Bad News
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 17 Mar 2009
NOTA: El original de este mensaje es un seguimiento a un mensaje anterior del mismo título.
Two men were relaxing after work and discussing a workmate's marital problems.
"The good news," said one, "is that Fred's wife is seeing a therapist regularly. The bad news is that he's at the door as soon as Fred leaves for work."
COMENTARIO: ¡Bendito! No piensen mal. Si ese terapeuta lo que está haciendo es darle a su paciente una visita de "seguimiento", ¿es o no es así?
Tired-looking dog
COLOCADO POR: Dave
FECHA: 4 Apr 2009
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3—he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
COMENTARIO: Si el dueño del perro tiene la amabilidad de esperar por mí...
The accident
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 5 Apr 2009
I was driving along when I saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito! No es por alabar a este conductor, pero... ¡qué caaaaaaaaaanto 'e bruuuuuuuuuuto!
A test
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 5 Apr 2009
You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The simple answer: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'"
HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
You gotta love happy endings.
COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, por favor! Pero ¿quién dice que esas cosas ocurren? Además. como dicen los anuncios del EAS (Sistema de Alerta de Emergencia)... "esto es sólo una prueba".
Bad day
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 5 Apr 2009
Just in case you were having a "bad day" . . .
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally . . .
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Your day's not so bad, is it?
COMENTARIO: Y ni hablar de las famosas palomas que soltaron en la actividad aquélla "por la paz" que se hizo en Puerto Rico mientras yo estaba de viaje oficial por Hawai'i en agosto de 2002... las mismas que luego de soltarlas quedaron como chicharrón de paloma...
The lottery
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Apr 2009
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
COMENTARIO: Ay, pero la verdad es que ese "Paul" estaba tan y tan deseperado que no vio claramente la escritura en la pared... o por lo menos... esteeeeeeeeee... donde dice el chiste que estaba escrito.
I might be wrong
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Apr 2009
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé qué piensen, pero yo en el lugar de él no me preocupaba mucho por ello... ¿o sí?
My son, I feel you have learned your lesson
COLOCADO POR: Bossman2
FECHA: 7 Apr 2009
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love—which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
COMENTARIO: ¡Oh oh! ¡Ooh ooh! ¡Ooooooooooh ooooooooooh! Otro ejemplo de aquello de tener cuidado con lo que se desea, ¡porque puede ser que se consiga! Y a todo esto, ¿qué tal si le damos un poco más de tiempo al individuo, para que le dé el pecho al bebé cuando nazca? Pa' que deje de estarse quejando de lo que tiene...
Shotgun Wedding
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 10 Apr 2009
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a teenaged hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said,
"See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him."
COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOPS!
Dear Abby,
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 29 Apr 2009
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
Regards,
COMENTARIO: ¡Adió', cará! ¿Y lo que más le preocupa a él son sus palos de golf? ¡Después, que no se queje!
¿Es Dios un programador?
COLOCADO POR: José Miguel Santibáñez
FECHA: 11 May 2009
Algunas preguntas teológicas importantes pueden ser contestadas mejor pensando en Dios como un Programador de Computadora:
Pregunta: ¿Creó Dios realmente el mundo en siete días?
Respuesta: Bueno, casi. El estuvo trabajando en el mundo durante seis días con sus seis noches, trabajando continuamente, sin parar, mientras sobrevivía a base de Coca Colas y Mac Donalds. En el séptimo día El fue a visitar a sus amigos y todos le decían que se estaba matando de trabajo, que no podía seguir así, que eso le hacia daño, que que clase de vida era esa... y claro, nunca acabo de escribir el programa.
Pregunta: ¿Cuándo interviene Dios en los asuntos terrestres?
Respuesta: Si es un error critico lo que ha ocurrido, el sistema le envía un beeper automáticamente y El se conecta con su modem desde su casa para tratar de arreglarlo. De otra modo, lo que sea puede esperar hasta mañana.
Pregunta: ¿Realmente el 'Tiempo de Milagros' terminó?
Respuesta: Esa era la fase de desarrollo del proyecto, cuando había que corregir los errores a mano. Ahora esta en la fase de mantenimiento.
Pregunta: ¿Porqué Dios permite la maldad?
Respuesta: Dios pensó que había eliminado la maldad en una de las versiones anteriores del mundo, pero siguen habiendo algunos errores que serán eliminados en el próximo mundo.
Pregunta: ¿Quién es Satán?
Respuesta: Es un hacker que se dedica a explotar errores en el mundo para conseguir mayor prioridad. Se adjudica más poderes de los que realmente tiene para meterle miedo a los que no saben programar. Dios piensa que Satán es irritante pero irrelevante.
Pregunta: ¿Cómo me puedo proteger de la maldad?
Respuesta: No use el nombre de Dios como password, no introduzca datos falsos, no use trucos fuera de los procedimientos habituales, no aborte procesos corrientes, no desee los programas del prójimo.
Pregunta: Si yo le rezo a Dios, ¿El me escucha?
Respuesta: Si, pero El tiene demasiado trabajo como para hacer todas las correcciones a mano. Lo mejor que usted puede hacer es dejarle saber el error y buscar usted mismo una solución adecuada a sus problemas leyendo el manual de instrucciones, y dejandole tiempo a Dios para que siga programando.
Pregunta: Hay gente que afirma que oye la voz de Dios. ¿Es cierto?
Respuesta: Es mucho mas probable que reciban otro tipo de mensajes.
Pregunta: ¿Es cierto que se acerca el fin del mundo?
Respuesta: Es posible, pero no se preocupe, Dios hace un backup cada milenio.
COMENTARIO: OK, yo creo que eso explica muchas cosas...
Why gorillas are not alcoholics
COLOCADO POR: Mad Mark
FECHA: 13 May 2009
NOTA: En el título del original, las palabras gorillas y alcoholics están escritas incorrectamente. — LDB.
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
COMENTARIO: Esa sí que es una rareza: Un gorila que tiene buen gusto... ¡y que también cuida su dinero!
Genesis Revisited: A Scientific Creation Story
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 23 May 2009
Genesis Revisited
A Scientific Creation Story
By Michael Shermer
In the beginning—specifically on October 23, 4004 B.C., at noon—out of quantum foam fluctuation God created the Big Bang, followed by cosmological inflation and an expanding universe. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, so He commanded hydrogen atoms (which He created from Quarks) to fuse and become helium atoms and in the process release energy in the form of light. And the light maker he called the sun, and the process He called fusion. And He saw the light was good because now He could see what he was doing, so he created Earth. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And God said, Let there be lots of fusion light makers in the sky. Some of these fusion makers He grouped into collections He called galaxies, and these appeared to be millions and even billions of light years from Earth, which would mean that they were created before the first creation in 4004 B.C. This was confusing, so God created tired light, and the creation story was preserved. And created He many wondrous splendors such as Red Giants, White Dwarfs, Quasars, Pulsars, Supernova, Worm Holes, and even Black Holes out of which nothing can escape. But since God cannot be constrained by nothing, He created Hawking radiation through which information can escape from Black Holes. This made God even more tired than tired light, and the evening and the morning were the second day.
And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the continents drift apart by plate tectonics. He decreed sea floor spreading would create zones of emergence, and He caused subduction zones to build mountains and cause earthquakes. In weak points in the crust God created volcanic islands, where the next day He would place organisms that were similar to but different from their relatives on the continents, so that still later created creatures called humans would mistake them for evolved descendants created by adaptive radiation. And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And God saw that the land was barren, so He created animals bearing their own kind, declaring Thou shalt not evolve into new species, and thy equilibrium shall not be punctuated. And God placed into the rocks, fossils that appeared older than 4004 B.C. that were similar to but different from living creatures. And the sequence resembled descent with modification. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, the fishes. And God created great whales whose skeletal structure and physiology were homologous with the land mammals he would create later that day. God then brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, declaring that microevolution was permitted, but not macroevolution. And God said, "Natura non facit saltum"—Nature shall not make leaps. And the evening and morning were the fifth day.
And God created the pongidids and hominids with 98 percent genetic similarity, naming two of them Adam and Eve. In the book in which God explained how He did all this, in one chapter He said he created Adam and Eve together out of the dust at the same time, but in another chapter He said He created Adam first, then later created Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs. This caused confusion in the valley of the shadow of doubt, so God created theologians to sort it out.
And in the ground placed He in abundance teeth, jaws, skulls, and pelvises of transitional fossils from pre-Adamite creatures. One chosen as his special creation He named Lucy, who could walk upright like a human but had a small brain like an ape. And God realized this too was confusing, so he created paleoanthropologists to figure it out.
Just as He was finishing up the loose ends of the creation God realized that Adam’s immediate descendants would not understand inflationary cosmology, global general relativity, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, biochemistry, paleontology, and evolutionary biology, so he created creation myths. But there were so many creation stories throughout the world God realized this too was confusing, so created He anthropologists and mythologists.
By now the valley of the shadow of doubt was overrunneth with skepticism, so God became angry, so angry that God lost His temper and cursed the first humans, telling them to go forth and multiply themselves (but not in those words). But the humans took God literally and now there are six billion of them. And the evening and morning were the sixth day.
By now God was tired, so He proclaimed, "Thank me its Friday," and He made the weekend. It was a good idea.
Reasons Why I Never Visit My Rich Friend
COLOCADO POR: Sweety
FECHA: 19 May 2009
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
Question : "What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"
Answer: " Tea please."
Question : "Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Iced tea or green tea?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea."
Question : "How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: "White."
Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk?"
Answer: "With cow's milk please.
Question: "Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll just take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar."
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar."
Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?"
Answer: "Mineral water."
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst!"
COMENTARIO: En lugar de morirme de sed, yo esperaría para hablar con un representante de servicio...
Laugh out loud
COLOCADO POR: Gilbert
FECHA: 3 Jun 2009
Your Most Hated Enemy Shall Receive Twice
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable," said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
COMENTARIO: ¡Que qué! Por eso es que yo siempre digo, "Tenga mucho cuidado con lo que usted desea, porque..."
The Five Levels Of Drinking
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 4 Jun 2009
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep... I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep... and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!"—and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five—the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you—and they know. And they say, "Who's Simon?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
COMENTARIO: OK, no es que me haya pasado eso a mí, pero... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡SIN COMENTARIOS!
Why?
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 4 Jun 2009
How is it you can throw a burnt match out of a car window and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches, a box of fire lighters, 500ml of lighter fuel and a Sunday paper but still can't light the fucking BBQ?
COMENTARIO: ¡Aaaaaaaaaah! ¡Ya sé qué es lo que estoy haciendo mal! No hay de otra, ahora tendré que practicar mi puntería tirando el fósforo o cerillo desde mi carro hacia la barbacoa...
Communication Gap
COLOCADO POR: Sweety
FECHA: 10 Jun 2009
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking."
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW?"
"Yes... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!......... This is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue."
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight..... He will speak to your company tomorrow."
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a CANDLE."
MORALEJA: Pague sus cuentas A TIEMPO, para que no vaya a ocurrir ningún malentendido, ¿OK?
Important Notice
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 18 Jun 2009
NOTA: OK, mi gente, por favor lean esto y pongan sus iniciales.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
COMENTARIO: ¡Adió'! Yo no había notado eso. Y a decir verdad, esta nota se parece un poquito a los memorandos que circulan en mi oficina.
If God Texted the 10 Commandments
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 18 Jun 2009
Here is one way to communicate the 10 commandments, the older you are the longer it will take to read!!
IF GOD TEXTED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg's
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.
TTFN.
Corrective Surgery
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 18 Jun 2009
Two old friends happened to meet at the grocery store. "And how's your husband?" asked one.
"Oh, pretty good, now. Last week he had his appendix operated on," answered the other.
"Uh, what's an appendix?"
"It's just a tiny little thing below the belt line. It doesn't do anything and is not good for anything, but once it was operated on, things got a lot, lot better."
"Hmm, I've really got to talk to my husband about that."
COMENTARIO: Pues yo no sé si eso sea de veras así, porque a mí NUNCA me han operado del apéndice... ¡no, mejor me callo y sigo con la página!
Confessional
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 21 Jun 2009
Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
PREGUNTA QUE ME HAGO: ¿Y luego este sacerdote tiene la cara de decirle al penitente, "Vete y no peques más"?
The Elderly Golfer
COLOCADO POR: tak
FECHA: 25 Jun 2009
Arthur is 90-years-old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't even see where it goes."
His wife sympathizes with him and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight!"
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Created on January 5, 2009. Last updated on February 2, 2009.
© 2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.