Enero de 2009

Bueno, mi gente, es hora de dejar el 2008 atrás y empezar a reírnos del mundo en el 2009... shall we?

Cultura general

COLOCADO POR: Wilson Awad F.
FECHA: 16 Jan 2009

NOTA: El título en esta versión fue corregido del original.

Los alimentos tardan 7 segundos en ir de su boca al estómago.

Un pelo humano puede soportar el peso de 3 kg .

El pene de un hombre medio tiene tres veces el tamaño de su dedo pulgar.

El hueso de la cadera es más sólido que el cemento.

El corazón de una mujer late más rápido que el de un hombre.

Hay alrededor de mil millares de bacterias en cada uno de sus pies.

Las mujeres parpadean dos veces más a menudo que los hombres.

La piel de un humano pesa 2 veces más que su cerebro.

Su cuerpo utiliza 300 músculos solo para mantenerse en equilibrio estando de pie.

Si su saliva no puede disolver algún alimento, no lo puede saborear.

Las mujeres ya han terminado de leer este mensaje.
Los hombres siguen midiéndose el dedo pulgar...

COMENTARIO: Bueno, lo único que voy a decir en mi defensa es que... mis dedos son de tamaño normal. PUNTO.

Young Lovers

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 2 Jan 2009

There is nothing more beautiful than two young lovers steaming up a shower stall—something that's obviously lost on that manager at Home Depot.

COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOPS! Pero total, todo lo que esta parejita quería era ponerse "fresquita"... ¡uy, perdón!... fresquecita.

A Sick Wife

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Jan 2009

My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué individuo más... esteeeeeeeeee... "cómodo" (por no llamarlo "vago")!

What a Company

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Jan 2009

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organization is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido entre esta "compañía" y el Congreso de los Estados Unidos... ¡es pura pocavergüenza! Y ni se diga de la asamblea legislativa de cierta posesión estadounidense en el Caribe Occidental (y no son ni las Islas Vírgenes ni la isla de Navassa)...

Wives are too tired to have sex......

COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 7 Jan 2009

Jenny was so tired trying to do it all, but one evening, she arrived home from work to find the children fed, bathed, & doing homework, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished—something was up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."

COMENTARIO: Yo no sé cómo lo vean ustedes, sobre todo mis lectoras, pero creo que en este caso, todos salieron ganando...

Convicted Felon

COLOCADO POR: Marvel
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.

After 3 years in jail, he managed to escape, his escape was all over the evening news.

To be careful, he worked his way home taking less travelled routes, slinking through deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of to travel the over one hundred miles to his home.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and yelled at him, "You good-for-nothing piece of shit! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

COMENTARIO: ¿Y ahora, cuál es el peor de los castigos, ah?

At the British Embassy

COLOCADO POR: tomdzip[at]gmail.com
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

COMENTARIO: Le oooooooooops!

After just having sex.......

COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 5 Jan 2009

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

COMENTARIO: Tanta prisa tenía ella que no esperó por mí... ¡ejem!... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡vamos a dejar eso ahí, que eso me compromete!

Question

COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 18 Jan 2009

NOTA: ...

Johnny: "Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?"

Father: "Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!"

Mother: "Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?"

Johnny: "It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone".

COMENTARIO: ¡Pero bendito! Si hay quien dice que estos... esteeeeeeeeee... animalitos son una buena fuente de proteínas...

Finish yet?

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

COMENTARIO: ¡Mamma mia! ¡Qué clase 'e bestia es el individuo!

Bad memory

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Jan 2009

Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off.

"Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now."

"What do you mean?" asked Bob.

The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts."

"What happened, where did it go wrong?"

The tramp replied, "forgot my fucking mother's maiden name."

COMENTARIO: Una manera medio cínica de decir, "acuérdate de tu madre"...

A new priest

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 13 Jan 2009

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

"I’ve got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

"Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'"

The younger priest practices these sayings, too.

"Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: 'No way! What happened next?'"

COMENTARIO: Bueno, pudo haber sido peor, que dijera como Álvarez-Guedes... "¡ñoooooooooo!"

Govt at werk

COLOCADO POR: tomdzip[at]gmail.com
FECHA: 16 Jan 2009

Mayor Ravenstahl and the County's chief exec Dan Onorato, got into an argument over which is more important to the world: the sun or the moon.

For whatever the reason, they put the problem to the City Council. The council deliberated over the question for many hours before they pronounced in favor of the moon, with the logic that: "If there was no moon we would not be able to see anything at night; and besides, the sun shines only during the day when we need no light."

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con el manejo de los asuntos en el gobierno de Puerto Rico, es pura... esteeeeeeeee... ¡pocavergüenza!

To my darling husband

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 24 Jan 2009

NOTA: El URL que aparece en el chiste es al blog del señor Croucher, Funny Jokes and Pics.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

(Picture of messed-up cars here: http://funnyjokesnpics.blogspot.com/.)

COMENTARIO: Yo lo único que les digo es esto: Vayan al enlace del blog del señor Croucher, vean la foto y juzguen ustedes mismos, ¿OK?

In the timing.....

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 23 Jan 2009

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your iPod.

COMENTARIO: ¿Se fijan? No siempre es bueno "recostarse" de la tecnología avanzada, ¿OK?

Church Service

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 28 Jan 2009

A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"

"No," he said, "they live two farms down."

"No, I mean are you lost?"

"No, I've been here thirty years."

"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"

"When is it?"

"Could be today or tomorrow."

"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"

COMENTARIO: ¿Y qué tal si el agricultor le pregunta al predicador si el Juicio será en el Centro Judicial de San Juan, o en el más cercano a su finca... digo, para que él y la doña no tengan que hacer un viaje muy largo?

Heavenly Call

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 28 Jan 2009

A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

COMENTARIO: Bueno y ¿cuál es el problema aquí? Si este pastor está haciendo lo que le dijeron que hiciera, ¡y ya!

Communion

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 29 Jan 2009

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"

COMENTARIO: OK, para mí ésa es una razón convincente...