Septiembre de 2008

para finalizar el dia

COLOCADO POR: manol
FECHA: 30 Sep 2008

Una vez en una cárcel un preso le dijo a un gendarme:

"Oiga mi gendarme, anteayer dejé mi cepillo de dientes en la cama y me lo robaron. Ayer dejé mi peine en la cama, y otra vez me lo robaron, y hoy resulta que dejo mis calcetas, y también me la robaron. ¿Sabe de lo que sospecho?"

Y el gendarme dice:

"No. ¿De qué?"

Entonces el preso le responde:

"Pues empiezo a sospechar que aquí en la cárcel hay ladrones."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, no! ¿Cómo va a ser, quién dijo eso? (Y a todo esto, me pregunto qué hubiera pasado si le hubiesen robado un estuche de maquillaje; ¿a qué conclusión hubiera llegado, ah?)

A minister tells a joke

COLOCADO POR: lotus_eater
FECHA: 2 Sep 2008

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

COMENTARIO: Si como dice el comienzo del chiste, este ministro tenía un "impedimento de humor", yo creo que la congregación va a tener que despacharlo por "incapacidad". De mi parte, yo le hubiese aconsejado que se comprara una botella de pastillas Memory Power... pero entonces va y se le olvida dónde las puso...

Choosing a Lawyer

COLOCADO POR: BO
FECHA: 2 Sep 2008

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Welfare Check

COLOCADO POR: john
FECHA: 12 Sep 2008

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito! Y yo que estaba por preguntar dónde se solicitaba ese empleo...

Two bats....

COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 17 Sep 2008

Two bats were hanging upside down, next to each other...

'You know what I'm dreading as I grow old?' asked one.

'No, what's that?'

'Incontinence!'

COMENTARIO: Me pregunto si Batman estará temiendo que le ocurra lo mismo... digo, si sigue durmiendo de ese lado...

50 Ways a Manager can get Employees to Quit

COLOCADO POR: Mad Mark
FECHA: 23 Sep 2008

NOTA: Aunque la lista a la derecha tiene en realidad 55 items, prefiero dejar el título como lo encontré en el original. — LDB.

50 Ways a Manager can get Employees to Quit

a.. Assign enough projects with tight deadlines so that your team has no choice but to work a 60 hour week while you only work 30 hours.

b.. Cap overtime pay.

c.. Do not offer project pay.

d.. Constantly underestimate the time it takes to get things done and then penalize employees' bonuses because they didn't hit the goal.

e.. Talk more than you listen.

f.. Tell the team to begin planning for tons of deployments but never obtain the budget to actually implement any of them.

g.. Don't trust written time cards. Make employees email you when they get to the office so you can see a timestamp when they get in.

h.. Always take sides in disputes instead of moderating.

i.. Avoid looking people in the eye.

j.. Reprimand employees in front of the entire team.

k.. Hire someone that is very weak to take the place of a veteran and expect the same results from the team.

l.. Reprimand Mark but don't reprimand Tony when he makes the same error.

m.. Consistency is good. Never ask you employees if they are challenged enough or want to take on more responsibility.

n.. Make promises to internal customers but have no idea on the elements involved in getting the task done.

o.. You know that Tony is a slacker, but he is really cool to hang out with so keep him around and give him good reviews.

p.. Suzy can take 20 minute breaks instead of 10 because she's a little cuter than Paul.

q.. Give your employees 2nd tier systems to work with but expect top tier results.

r.. Never cross train anybody on anything. The skills they walked in with are the skills they are leaving with.

s.. Mandate a new policy without consulting a single person that will have to live with it.

t.. Give employees low raises because the more you save, the higher your bonus.

u.. When talking to an employee on the phone, type away at your email. That's a great time to catch-up!

v.. When someone comes to you with an issue regarding another employee, use a lot of big words to explain the situation but really take no interest or action.

w.. Create a desk cleanliness policy.

x.. When Suzy comes in late and leaves early, and we complain, do nothing about it.

y.. Instead of offering to help hands-on, watch from a distance and provide support over email.

z.. Mandate that the entire team use a single to-do list application simply because you think it's best.

aa.. Make your best employees train the newbies for weeks at a time but insist that all deadlines be met.

ab.. Never answer your cell phone.

ac.. Never be the on-call guy to share in the team burden.

ad.. Have a group of employees that you get along with and go out to lunch with while those that you don't like get left out.

ae.. Send employees lots of chain letters, poems and other crap spam when they are hard at work.

af.. Constantly give your employees vague project plans and get pissed when the result is not what you wanted.

ag.. Refuse to upgrade a system after the entire team asks for it and then be sure not to give a valid reason.

ah.. Blame everything on your boss because no one will ever call you on it.

ai.. Make all men wear ties.

aj.. Do not let employees expense cell phone use but require a cell phone number for the on-call guy.

ak.. Shut off access to Google and Ebay because it's not "required for work".

al.. Never let employees hangout and use the corp. network to play games after hours.

am.. Tell employees to do plan B because you will save $11 even though plan A is the safer, more efficient way to go.

an.. I don't care what they are working on. No one should get a monitor larger than yours.

ao.. Insist employees come to your wife's silly Barbecue.

ap.. Give advice on topics you are only partially educated in.

aq.. When the kudos are handed out, you should take the credit because you managed the team. Do not give credit to anyone else.

ar.. Monitor all phone use.

as.. Charge someone .25 days off for a dentist appointment.

at.. Lecture the team at least weekly.

au.. Hold team meetings to provide updates even though the updates only pertain to one-third of team.

av.. Buy the team lunch and always forget that Vegan in the corner... he'll come around.

aw.. Make the team fill out self evaluations but provide very vague feedback on what they type.

ax.. Sleep with that girl Suzy on the team. No one will suspect she's getting preferential treatment.

ay.. Call the redhead guy on the team "Rusty." Everyone will laugh and you are sure to win their hearts.

az.. Make sure the cubicles are as close to each other as physically possible. The open areas surrounding the group will be used eventually.

ba.. Make the entire team read a book and then set aside 3 hours to discuss it. This is sure to increase productivity.

bb.. Let a couple people work from the house, but provide no reason for it or ways for others to obtain the right.

bc.. Insist that employees complete projects that even you admit are worthless.

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con la realidad... ¡es pura pocavergüenza!

Best Current Investment Advice

COLOCADO POR: Mad Mark
FECHA: 23 Sep 2008

NOTA: Aunque los precios que se citan aquí están en libras inglesas (£), dejo el texto como está en el original porque la idea básica es la misma, ya sea en libras o en dólares. — LDB.

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier last week, your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

But, if you had bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drunk it all, then taken the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would now get £214.

So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

COMENTARIO: ¡Tremendo consejo para estos días difíciles para nuestra economía! Es más: ¡esto se merece una fría... y otra... y otra... y otra...

Ultimate Woman Joke

COLOCADO POR: Chrome Boy
FECHA: 23 Sep 2008

NOTA: Los primeros tres párrafos en el original son una introducción al chiste a la derecha, por lo que no los incluyo aquí. — LDB

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

'Paint my house.'

COMENTARIO: Y yo creo que si el individuo se estaba afilando los colmillos con esa tremenda mujer, ahora debe estar pensando... "¡sea la madre!"