Mayo de 2008

Etapas de la Borrachera Femenina

COLOCADO POR: Juan Carlos de Chile
FECHA: 19 May 2008

NOTA: Bueno, si ya estaban echando de menos los chistes en español, qué tal si comenzamos este mes con uno por lo menos...

Las 23 etapas de una 'buena' borrachera femenina... :-)

Etapa 0. Un trago leve en un vaso pequeño.
Etapa 1. Que lindo lugar.
Etapa 2. Un traguito diferente, y otro que no sea igual.
Etapa 3. Exaltacion de la amistad.
3.1 Mutuas gracias y virtudes
3.2 Te quiero como a un hermano
3.3 Antes me caias mal, pero ahora...
Etapa 4. Nadie me gana. Bailes sensuales. La reina del lugar.
Etapa 5. Aumento de la temperatura y necesidad sexual.
5.1 Miradas de acoso a todos los "disponibles" del lugar.
5.2 Narraciones reveladoras de los ex.
Etapa 6. Revelacion de la verdadera personalidad.
6.1 Chistosa
6.2 Superdotada
6.3 Poliglota
6.4 Viajera
6.5 Depresiva
6.6 Incomprendida
Etapa 7. Degradacion del idioma.
7.1 Sadud pod da amizta
Etapa 8. Vituperios en contra del Clero y la formalidad
Etapa 9. Autosuficiencia moral y economica
9.1 Todos a la mierda
9.2 Yo pago
9.3 Yo manejo
9.4 Estoy bien
Etapa 10. Repentina perdida del equilibrio.
Etapa 11. Intento de destruccion material.
11.1 Perdida total de la memoria
Etapa 12. Desalojo del inmueble.
12.1 Yo no me quiero ir
12.2 A donde me llevas
12.3 Vamos a divertirnos
Etapa 13. Taquicardia y delirio de persecucion.
Etapa 14. Amnesia y juramentos posteriores.
Etapa 15. Transmision de la culpabilidad.
15.1 Es culpa de ese ultimo trago.
15.2 Es el hielo, algo le pusieron.
15.3 Tu me conoces yo no soy asi.
Etapa 16. Recuento de los hechos.
16.1 Que yo te pedi que me trajeras?
16.2 Quienes vieron que salimos juntos?
16.3 En serio? no me acuerdo de nada...
16.4 Y mi celular?
Etapa 17. Toma de conciencia.
17.1 Y este moreton?
17.2 Que hora es?
17.3 Donde estamos?
17.4 Y mis llaves?
Etapa 18. La culpa es tuya.
18.1 No debiste dejar que tome...
18.2 No debiste darme tantas vueltas...
18.3 No debiste traerme aca...
Etapa 19. No me mientas, que yo recuerdo todito.
19.1 Dime que paso.
19.2 Que yo queee?
19.3 En serio?. No me mientes?
Etapa 20. Yo se que tu eres un caballero!
20.1 Yo se que tu tienes pareja
20.2 Yo se que asi son los hombres
20.3 Yo se que no te importo
Etapa 21. Dios mio ayudame te prometo...
21.1 Y ahora que hago?
21.2 Y ahora que digo?
21.3 Se van a dar cuenta!
Etapa 22. Toma de decisiones.
22.1 No quiero verte nunca mas
22.2 Jura que no vas a contarle a nadie
22.3 Pasame mi ropa interior y mi cartera
Etapa 23. Arrepentimiento.
23.1 Por que mierda acepte
23.2 A mi nomas me pasa esto
23.3 Ay chucha, todo me arde...

^_^

Neologisms

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 1 May 2008

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

A Nasty Injury

COLOCADO POR: poddys
FECHA: 4 May 2008

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord.  Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.  They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum'."

COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOPS!  ¡Santa metí'a 'e pata!  Y a todo esto, ¿no será igual de preocupante para nosotros, los varones, que nos destrocen el esternón como que nos destrocen el... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡vamos a dejarlo ahí!

A beautiful woman undressed.....

COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 5 May 2008

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it.  She decided to go skinny-dipping.  She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, bueno!  Ya la cosa cambia...

New Preacher

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 4 May 2008

Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church.  One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily.

One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.  As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely," said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.

"He was very loud, wasn't he?"

"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

"I said he was very loud."

"Eh?"

"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other.  "Bawls like a bull."

"Has he?" said the first.  "I never noticed.  The pulpit was in the way."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, caray!  Yo quisiera saber en qué estaba pensando la anciana sorda...

Who's It?

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 5 May 2008

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own.  But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.  He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.  But he was never ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?  Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand.  About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.  He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around.  Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.  In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over.  He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped.  He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree.  He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.  The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.  The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.  It was the gorilla!  This time there was no escape.  As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.  The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said,

"Tag!  You're it!"

COMENTARIO: ¡'dito sea Dios!  Y pensar que esto se pudo haber evitado si el dueño del gorila le hubiera dicho a su vecino que todo lo que el simio quería era jugar "1-2-3: ¡Pesca'o!"

Pope's Blessings

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 7 May 2008

The Pope was finishing his sermon.  He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.  They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.  They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.  The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

Can you Smell it?

COLOCADO POR: JokesRealm.com
FECHA: 14 May 2008

A 21 year old girl saunters into a prestigous car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

2 days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back... it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her "in case she ain't driving it properly."

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

110mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170mph.  The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT?  HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!!!"

COMENTARIO: Ah, pues ya sé qué hacer si a la chica se le ocurre ofrecerme "un pon" (lo que en México se conoce como "un aventón")...

Fw: Dear Abby

COLOCADO POR: Hal Hanig
FECHA: 18 May 2008

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

COMENTARIO: Pues eso sí que explica BASTANTE.  Y si eso es allá, ¡imaginen la de locos acá!

Gas situation...............

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 18 May 2008

COMENTARIO: ¡Tarde o temprano tenía que suceder!  Con lo costosa que se ha puesto la gasolina últimamente—de hecho, recién acabo de pagar US$0.957 por litro (US$3.62 por galón estadounidense) para poder usar mi carro durante mi semana laboral—estamos empezando a escuchar comentarios como los siguientes:

Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded."

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it's cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."

For our vacation this summer, we're thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

Jay Leno: "At the gas station near my house they have a slot on the pump for your credit card, and one right next to it for your 401-K."

OTRO COMENTARIO: Y lo peor es que se espera que el precio de la gasolina suba un poco más este verano.  ¡Qué remedio!  Voy a tener que seguir jugando la Loto, a ver si me saco un par de milloncitos para poder pagar la gasolina...

Bad Date

COLOCADO POR: JokesRealm.com
FECHA: 25 May 2008

Cross my heart this happened to someone.  This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.  For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out.  She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.  After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.  He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).  They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.  They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert.  During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.  After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).  Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise.  "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).  Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.  He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.  He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.  Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.  They go into the Gap.  Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.  They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.  After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register.  His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants.  He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."

"What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store.  They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car.  Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.  He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts.  He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.  After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... just the sweater.

COMENTARIO: ¡Bueno que eso le pase a él por irse de juerga la víspera de la cita!  Total, éste es otro ejemplo de que "todo es posible en... 'La Dimensión Desconocida'"...

Spare Dollars

COLOCADO POR: JokesRealm.com
FECHA: 25 May 2008

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.  Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.  Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.  "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

COMENTARIO: Y me remito a mi comentario anterior: ¡Bueno que le pase, por creer que si lo hacen los demás está mal!

Created on May 4, 2008.  Last updated on April 10, 2009.
© 2008 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.