Marzo de 2008

Gynecologist's Assistant

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 2 Mar 2008

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'

COMENTARIO: ¡Última hora! ¡Última hora! Acabo de enterarme que un grupito de 500 voluntarios que se enteró de esta oferta de empleo sale mañana desde San Juan para allá... Lo único que lamento es que no me invitaron a ir con ellos...

Anecdote about Angelo (Pope John XXIII) Roncalli

COLOCADO POR: Ian Chai
FECHA: 6 Mar 2008 (originally appeared in fourth quarter, 1993)

A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador. While in Paris, Roncalli once said: "You know, it's rough being a papal nuncio. I get invited to these diplomatic parties where everyone stands around with a small plate of canapes trying not to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a low-cut, revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around and looks—AT ME!"

COMENTARIO: Sea o no cierto lo que se le atribuye aquí al Papa Juan 23, me imagino que puede ser mejor que miren al Papa... ¡a que no lo miren ni a él ni a la chica del escote pronunciado!

Amazing Texan

COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 10 Mar 2008

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan".

The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring.

There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy.

Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table.

The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

COMENTARIO: Y si ese viejo sigue vivo de aquí a unos años más, ¿qué será lo que romperá?

What Goes Around Comes Around

COLOCADO POR: Hal Hanig
FECHA: 13 Mar 2008

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's had sex with is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been sleeping with the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Damn!," the physician shouted. "That means we've all got it!"

COMENTARIO: ¡NO! ¡A mí no me miren! Yo ni siquiera estuve cerca de allí... ¡Ah! Y yo estoy muy bien de salud, gracias.

Grandma's Boyfriend

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 13 Mar 2008

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

COMENTARIO: Menos mal que la abuela no tiene un televisor portátil; si así hubiera sido, tal vez le hubiera dicho a su nieto que ese televisor era su "amigo" y que siempre se lo llevaba a todas partes... ¡hasta al baño! O sea, que casi como la canción de Kany García, ahora la abuela sería feliz... ¡con su amigo en el baño!

Home Robot

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 13 Mar 2008

One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"

Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.

His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?"

"Dad, I went to a movie"

Which movie?"

"The Ten Commandments"

Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.

"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".

"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved." Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"

To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

¡ÚLTIMA HORA! THIS JUST IN! Mis fuentes confidenciales me acaban de informar que una versión similar de este robot estaba... no no, más bien ESTÁ en uso en la casa del gobernador de New York. (No en balde el nuevo gobernador de ese estado y su esposa tuvieron que confesar públicamente el otro día que él "le pegaba los cuernos" a ella y vice versa...) SEGUIREMOS INFORMANDO.

Old Professor

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 16 Mar 2008

The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que para el próximo verano, este viejo profesor debe conseguirse un "guisito" como vendedor de agua embotellada en los semáforos de San Juan...

The Prostate Exam

COLOCADO POR: Fletis Humplebacker
FECHA: 20 Mar 2008

After hearing much talk about prostate cancer I decide to get checked. Nervous as I can be, I sit in the waiting room, not really wanting my name to be called. A few short minutes later it's my turn.

Now, even more nervously, I wait in the exam room. In through the door he walks, in a very business like manner he askes me to drop my pants and bend over the bench. With a bit of reluctance, I comply. He begins to probe and pry. Man, talk about uncomfortable. He seems to be probing me for an awfull long time, so I break the silence with a question.

"Every thing OK back there?"

"I cant really give you an answer," he replied as he pulled off the gloves and dropped them in the little trash can, "you'll have to ask the doctor!" He grabbed the mop and bucket that was sitting in the corner and left.

COMENTARIO: Bueno, pudo haber sido peor que eso. El individuo que hizo el "chequeo" pudo haberle pedido al paciente 24 horas más para darle una respuesta... ¡y ni un minuto más!

Navy Pilot

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 21 Mar 2008

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed........

'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'

Restroom Girls

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 22 Mar 2008

Girls You Might See in the Restroom:

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

COMENTARIO: Y luego hay quien dice que muchos de mis congéneres se comportan como salvajes cuando están en el baño de caballeros...

Little Old Lady On Trial

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 26 Mar 2008

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que aquí no hay más ná' que buscar. Yo siendo el juez, le retiro los cargos. ¡He dicho! ¡CASO CERRADO!

Relationships

COLOCADO POR: Geo
FECHA: 28 Mar 2008

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"... then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything..... but we had wild sex all night.

The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready—leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

"Hi, Batman! What's for dinner?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, pooooor faaaaavoooooor! Yo no puedo creer que el marido de esa señora sea tan... esteeeeeeeee... ¡tan bruto!

Tax Rebates

COLOCADO POR: Larry Krzewinski
FECHA: 27 Mar 2008

Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs..... and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America..... so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.

COMENTARIO: Bueno, yo comoquiera me fastidié... ¡porque este año TAMPOCO podré obtener un reintegro de mis impuestos! Así que, ¿en qué diantre voy a gastar algo que no voy a tener?