Julio de 2008

Chilenos en suiza...

COLOCADO POR: José Miguel Santibáñez
FECHA: 14 Jul 2008

NOTA: Aunque el resto del mensaje no especifica que la pareja sea chilena, estoy optando por retener el título original.  — LDB.

Una pareja, ya mayor, viajaba en auto por Europa...

Un día, paseando por Suiza, la noche cayó antes que pudieran encontrar un lugar donde pasarla...  Así que decidieron buscar un hotel que se viera suficientemente decente.

Llegaron al primero que se les apareció en el camino y al entrar, notan en el letrero una gran manzana roja.  La señora le dice al marido: "Esto tiene toda la pinta de motel callejero.  Yo no puedo pasar la noche en un antro así.

El marido, resignado, sigue el camino y entran a un pueblo, claramente ya todos durmiendo.  Cada lugar que les pareció que fuera hotel, incluía la misma manzana roja, lo que llevaba a la señora a mantener su objeción.

Al final, el marido cansado decide que ya no van a seguir viajando de noche; así que se devuelve al que le pareció más decente: uno con toda la cara de hotel en medio del pueblo.

Se registran, le entregan las llaves de la habitación (si, de esas con llave, no de las con tarjeta) y el llavero resulta ser la misma manzana roja.  El tipo no aguanta más y le pregunta al botones el por qué de la manía con las manzanas...

El botones le mira medio ofendido: "¡¡¡Sr., éste es el pueblo natal de Guillermo (Wilhelm) Tell!!!"

(historia verídica)

COMENTARIO: Bueno, de que esto sea una "historia verídica"... ¡quién sabe!  Lo que sí me parece es que ahora mismo al caballero se le debe antojar colocarle el llavero en la cabeza a su esposa y llevarla a una practica de arquería; digo, si a Guillermo Tell le funcionó con una manzana real...


Grocery Store

COLOCADO POR: Beethoven
FECHA: 3 Jul 2008

Bernie goes to a grocery store.  He finds cat food at special prices.  He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.  He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.  He asks Bernie to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.  Bernie goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bernie finds dog food at special prices.  He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.  The Manager again gets suspicious.  He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.  He asks Bernie to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.  Bernie goes home and returns with a dog.  He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bernie comes to the grocery store with a bag.  He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.  The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.  He shouts at Bhola: "What!  There’s nothing but doodie in this bag!"

Bernie calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper."

COMENTARIO: ¡Bueno que le ocurra esto al gerente del supermercado, por ser tan desconfiado!


Discomfort

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 2 Jul 2008

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.  The girl looks like she's having some discomfort, so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips.  So the boyfriend kisses he lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck.  So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que después de ésta, el muchacho tendrá más cuidado cuando se trate de preguntarle a su pareja "dónde le duele"...


Underwear

COLOCADO POR: john
FECHA: 7 Jul 2008

One evening, while thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife,

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.  Maybe it would take an inch or 2 off of your butt!"

My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer,

"What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out.

"Connie", I hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied.....

"It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"

COMENTARIO: Seguramente, el muy... idiota se estará preguntando, "¿Qué me habrá querido decir ella?"


[Título Original Omitido]

COLOCADO POR: SkVm
FECHA: 16 Jul 2008

NOTA: El título en el original no guarda relación con el contenido del mensaje, por lo que me tomé la libertad de omitirlo.  — LDB.

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.  Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

COMENTARIO: Y seguramente, este otro idiota también se estará preguntando, "Duh!  ¿Qué me habrá querido decir ella?"  Además, esto último es prueba más que fehaciente de que un@ no debe abrumarse por sus propios problemas... ¡siempre habrá alguien que esté más... esteeeeeeeeee... fastidiad@ que un@!


The fiancee

COLOCADO POR: SkVm
FECHA: 16 Jul 2008

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents.  After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar.  Hmmm," the father says.  "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father.  "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

COMENTARIO: Y me parece que ésta no es la primera vez que un muchacho piensa algo así...


Stress

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 21 Jul 2008

Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?"

The Doc smiled and said, "It means the alterboy lied.  He wasn't a Virgin."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo!  Parece que al monaguillo lo conocían—en el sentido "bíblico"—mucho antes que este sacerdote...  Yo creo que al niño deben enviarlo más abajo del infierno... ¡no vaya a ser capaz de regresar al mundo de los vivos—y acumular puntos por millaje en el proceso!


Kinky Sex

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 23 Jul 2008

My girlfriend asked me to indulge her in something a bit kinky last night.  She said she had this rape fantasy that she'd always wanted to try out.

Really regretting it now though.  My arsehole hurts like fuck, and she says she'll kill my pet rabbit if I tell my parents.

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, poooooooooor faaaaaaaaaavoooooooooor!  ¿Y qué creía ÉL que era lo que ELLA quería, ah?


Public Service Announcement

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 23 Jul 2008

A continuación, interrumpimos el flow de la página del mes de julio de 2008, para llevarles a ustedes un mensaje de servicio público:

DUE TO THE SPIRALING COST OF ELECTRICITY, THE POOR ECONOMY, LAYOFFS/GAS PRICES/LOSS OF JOBS, EVERYTHING COSTING MORE, WE SEND YOU THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT:

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

COMENTARIO: Pues en Puerto Rico la cosa está peor: Aquí esa misma luz está fundida y no la han podido reemplazar porque algún ca... ¡uy, perdón!... algún sinvergüenza se robó toda la alambrada de cobre.


I'm hiding

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 24 Jul 2008

Two gays are having sex in an alleyway when they see a policeman walking towards them.  They both panic and run like hell, trying to find somewhere to hide.

The policeman sprints after them and manages to catch one, whom he beats to shit.  When he is satisfied, the policeman stops pummeling the queer and pins him against the wall and shouts:

"Where's your fucking boyfriend?!  If I find him I'm gonna shove this truncheon right up his arse!"

A voice from the darkness whispers:

"Im in the bin!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay ay ay ay ay!  Yo creo que el otro... esteeeeeeeeee... que el "chico" que estaba escondido debió haberse acogido a su derecho de mantenerse callado, porque lo que le vendría pa'encima (¿dije "pa' encima"?)...


Playing Doctor

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 24 Jul 2008

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His mate says, "No what's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing.  Me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night.  Must of been about 10 hours."

His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!?  How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

COMENTARIO: ¿Cómo es eso?  ¿La puso a esperar 9 horas?  ¿Sería en lo que verificaba con el seguro médico de ella?  ¿Y si lo de ella hubiese sido "grave", ah?  ¿La iba a tener esperando hasta el siguiente día?


Useless

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 27 Jul 2008

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, ".... they can't do two things at once..."

At this I interrupted and said, "Actually I can."

"Give me an example," she said.

"Well while I was screwing you last night I was thinking about your friend."

COMENTARIO: ¿Qué les parece?  ¿Le concedemos el punto a este individuo?  Y no hay que ir muy lejos, si hasta Bill Clinton lo hace...


What are the odds?

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 31 Jul 2008

Little Johnny is in class, and the teacher is asking the children what their parents do for a living.  She asks a non-too-bright pupil what his father does, and he answers "he's a sheet metal worker."

The teacher says "OK, can you spell that for me?"

"S-H-E-T..."

"No, that's not quite right, try again."

"S-H-I..."

"No, sorry, that's not it either.  Go round the back of the blackboard and write it out with this chalk until it looks right."

The kid takes the chalk and dutifully walks around the blackboard and starts writing.  The teacher says, "Right, Johnny, what does your father do for a living?"

Johnny says, "he's a bookie."

"You mean a bookmaker.  Can you spell that for me?"

"No, but I'll give you two to one he writes shit on that blackboard."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, pues apúntame cinco pesos a que no lo hace así!


The Parrot

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 31 Jul 2008

A vicar is visiting an old lady who has just moved into his parish.  He discovers that she has a parrot with blue ribbons tied to both of his legs.

"And what are the ribbons for?" asks the vicar.

"Well," says the old lady, "if I pull the left ribbon he sings 'Abide With Me'.  If I pull the right ribbon he sings 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'."

"Remarkable!" says the vicar, naturally impressed by the religious bird.  He continues, "What happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?"

The parrot butts in, "I fall off the fucking perch!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ja!  Cualquiera se cae si le halan las dos cintas a la vez...


Created on July 6, 2008.  Last updated on April 10, 2009.
© 2008 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.