Febrero de 2008
His first day at the adult bookstore...
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 10 Feb 2008
A guy is working his first day at the adult bookstore when the owner has to run an errand. "Don't worry" the owner says. "You'll do fine, I'll be back in about an hour".
A few minutes later, 3 college girls walk in and start looking over the vibrators that are in the display case. Girl 1 asks, "what is that one?" pointing to the middle shelf. The new guy says "That's Black Beauty and it sells for $25.00". "I'll take it" the girl says.
Girl 2 points to the lower shelf and asks what that white one is called. The man replies that it's the Great White Hope and it sells for $50.00. The girl says she'll take it.
The last girl is looking around when she smiles wide and asks the man curiously, "what is THAT one?"
The guy looks where the girl is pointing up on the very top shelf behind him. He looks at the girl and again at the shelf.
Looking at the girl again he says "umm... that's 'The Scottsman' and it sells for...$75.00". "I'll take it!" says the girl.
A while later the owner comes back and asks the man how it had gone. "Great" he says. I sold a Black Beauty for $25.00, a Great White Hope for $50.00 and I sold your thermos for $75.00"
COMENTARIO: ¡Eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa raaaaaaaaaayoooooooooo! Francamente, yo NO QUIERO IMAGINAR lo que la chica número 3 se propone hacer con... esteeeeeeeee... ¡con LA COSA ESA que ella se acaba de comprar! Pero ya que ella se esmandó, pues, que sea feliz... ¡con su amigo en el baño!
Eternal Truths
COLOCADO POR: flambe
FECHA: 5 Feb 2008
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
COMENTARIO: ¿Que qué? Ya me imagino que muchos Bautistas iban al Hooters que existió hace algunos años en el Viejo San Juan... ¡pero tapa'ítos! ;-)
All Men Have One...
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Feb 2008
I have one
Your husband will have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
A Pope doesn't use his one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Pakistanis usually have long ones
After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
Longer or shorter you have to take his one.
Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
Do you want one?
How long do you want?
Which one is your preferred one?
Long one or short one
What you are thinking of?
Are you sure?
Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?
You Dirty mind!!!
COMENTARIO: Bueno, y ¿a qué creyeron ustedes que él se refería, ah?
More Uses
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 12 Feb 2008
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito! ¿Será que este individuo no quiere tener el inconveniente de disponer debidamente de... OK, de la caca de la poodle? Y a todo esto, ¿él dijo que encuentra "repulsiva" la idea de tener sexo? Tal vez como decía mi madre, "él nació de una mata de plátano"...
Head Hog
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 12 Feb 2008
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Ey ey ey... má$ re$peto! Que por ahí viene el Titán de la Llanura, el Gran Kahuna, el Querido Líder...
The Most Painful Part
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 12 Feb 2008
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
COMENTARIO: ¡AAAAAYYYYY! COMO DUELE...
Plane Crash
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 14 Feb 2008
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
COMENTARIO: Yo me imagino que Hacienda los encontrará más rápido si ella se olvidó de enviar el cheque de la contribución sobre ingresos del año pasado...
Little Girls & Daddys
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 15 Feb 2008
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1½ years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place a baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
COMENTARIO: ¡BLAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! ¡No en balde! Y yo creía que le faltaba azúcar al té...
Condoms
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 19 Feb 2008
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
COMENTARIO: Y seguramente el papá estaba pensando, "tierra, trágame"...
Personally Responsible
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 25 Feb 2008
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
COMENTARIO: ¡Uy! Y eso, que a mí ni siquiera me gusta la carne de los jueyes (cangrejos)...
The C.O.'s Morning Briefing
COLOCADO POR: M.W.
FECHA: 25 Feb 2008
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
COMENTARIO: Por eso es que yo prefiero hacer las cosas yo mismo... o sea, hacer las tareas, que conste que a eso me refiero...
Commitment
COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 27 Feb 2008
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!
Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jane: What did you say?
Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your hell out of my house!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Adió'! ¿Y cómo me dijiste que te llamas?
Cheerful Science News
COLOCADO POR: Greg Evans
FECHA: 26 Feb 2008
Prozac, the bestselling antidepressant taken by 40 million people worldwide, does not work and nor do similar drugs in the same class, according to a major review released today. The study examined all available data on the drugs, including results from clinical trials that the manufacturers chose not to publish at the time. The trials compared the effect on patients taking the drugs with those given a placebo or sugar pill. When all the data was pulled together, it appeared that patients had improved—but those on placebo improved just as much as those on the drugs. The pattern they saw from the trial results of fluoxetine (Prozac), paroxetine (Seroxat), venlafaxine (Effexor) and nefazodone (Serzone) was consistent. "... We find the overall effect of new-generation antidepressant medication is below recommended criteria for clinical significance," they write.
"We're really quite despondent about the results," they added, then mentioned something about heading home to down a few beers and play Russian Roulette.
COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo! O sea, que si no funciona para ELLOS... ¡olvídese de los peces de colores!
Attack the Moon!!!
COLOCADO POR: Pete Dimon
FECHA: 29 Feb 2008
Ten reasons why we should attack the Moon without delay:
1. It occasionally blocks the sun, alarming the citizenry and curtailing our solar energy supply. This is clearly a threat to our national security.
2. Despite all our best efforts, including several direct visits, it has never responded to any attempts at communication. Silence is ominous.
3. There is nothing visible on the surface, so there must be something hidden underground (e.g., a uranium enrichment plant).
4. There is no good reason to believe that the Moon doesn't have gobs of oil.
5. The Moon is always in an ideal position to launch a devastating missile strike anywhere on planet Earth.
6. It is not a member of the U.N., nor a signee of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.
7. It is largely responsible for our tides. This cannot be a coincidence.
8. It is almost certainly not a Christian moon (and it sure looks God-forsaken).
9. It's a great place to harbor terrorists: remote, forbidding, lots of craters to hide in.
10. Our trade deficit with the Moon is exactly zero. Need I say more?
COMENTARIO: ¡Ah! Y también porque allá fueron a parar las armas de destrucción masiva que supuestamente justificaban la invasión estadounidense a Iraq. ¡Nada más con el testigo!