Agosto de 2008

De Catón: las sobras

COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 12 Aug 2008

Afrodisio, hombre sensual, casó con Dulcilí, ingenua joven sin ciencia de la vida. La noche de bodas ambos se entregaron a los deliquios de su nuevo estado. Experto él, ansiosa ella por conocer los misterios del amor, repitieron una y otra vez—y otra—la gozosa entrega de su intimidad.

Salía ya el Sol cuando Afrodisio dejó el tálamo para darse un regaderazo. Al terminar notó que no había toallas, y le pidió a su flamante mujercita que le alcanzara una. Ella abrió la puerta del baño para dársela, y por primera vez miró en la luz el cuerpo de su amado. Detuvo su mirada en la parte media, y preguntó con inquietud: "¿Qué es eso?".

Le responde con una sonrisa el desposado: "Es lo que anoche nos hizo gozar tanto".

Pregunta desolada Dulcilí: “¿Y eso es todo lo que nos quedó?”

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que la niña será ingenua, pero... ¡parece que quiere más! ¿OK?

And the moral is!

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 1 Aug 2008

NOTA: En el título del original falta la "L" de moral (o sea, moraleja). — LDB.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do...

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

COMENTARIO: OK, aquí es donde por lo general termina este mensaje cuando nos llega en una de esas "cadenas" que siempre llegan a nuestras direcciones de email, con buena o mala intención. Pero, los personajes de este cuento... ¿vivirán felices para siempre?

NOW...

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

COMENTARIO: Y colorín colorado, ese cuento... ¡sí se ha acabado!

The Comedian

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Aug 2008

I once worked as a comedian at the local Alzheimer's society club, they liked my first joke so much i told it again and again and again. In fact I told it 26 times.

After the show this old bloke said to me "I don't know how you remember them all!"

COMENTARIO: Hmmm, tal vez a ese anciano se le olvidó tomarse su dosis del día de... esteeeeeeeee... ¿cómo es que se llama la medicina ésa?... ¿y quién eres tú?...

Research Study

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Aug 2008

A London medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 3,879 responses one hour after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

COMENTARIO: Por mi gusto, escribiría un comentario sobre esto, pero antes tengo que colocar todos los vasos de la cocina en fila india... y después colocar el recipiente de los dulces lejos del borde de la mesa (¡a mí me da algo si lo dejo cerca del borde!)... y después...

If the USS Enterprise Had Realistic Voice Recognition

COLOCADO POR: MonkeyMigraine
FECHA: 5 Aug 2008

All Star Trek fans know the voice-activated computer on the USS Enterprise, especially Jean-Luc Picard's famous "Earl Grey, hot" request for tea. But what if the Enterprise was equipped with voice-recognition software based on current technology?

PICARD: Computer.

COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say, diagnostics." For the replicator, please say "replicator." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "diagnostics." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "replicator." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: Thank you. Please state what you would like to replicate.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Whirled whey in a pot." Is that correct?

PICARD: What? No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Pearl day, shot." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl...Grey...hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Girl gay, hot." I'm sorry, but we cannot replicate human beings. If you wish female companionship, please visit our lounge, Ten-Forward.

PICARD: I didn't say "girl gay," blast you.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Look, I want a cup of Earl Grey tea. And make it hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Zero-four Blevin's rakes hook a font couple Curly May pee and naked hot." Is that correct?

PICARD: Oh, forget it. I'll just use a teapot.

COMENTARIO: Menos mal que la computadora no le ofreció al Capitán Picard la opción de "hablar con un representante de servicio"... ¡la espera—hasta en los más remotos confines del universo—hubiera sido para morirse (y si no lo creen, pregúntenmelo a mí)!

Ole's Doctor Goes Hunting

COLOCADO POR: Charles Oakes
FECHA: 15 Aug 2008

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP ME — I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''

'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay ay ay ay ay! ¡Pero qué asistente más BESTIA! Yo no lo dejaría a cuidar mi ventorrillo...

Modern World Morals

COLOCADO POR: Hombre
FECHA: 23 Aug 2008

NOTA: Presumo que los dos clérigos a los que se refiere este mensaje son protestantes o algo así. — LDB.

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay Santo Santo Santo!

Driving a BMW

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 17 Aug 2008

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

"First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

"The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

"Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

"Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

"Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

"Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

"He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

"Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew—that my car goes fast!

"Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either—they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

"See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!"

COMENTARIO: ¿Y este individuo tiene los... esteeeeeeeeee... los "pantalones" de decir que se gana "respeto" sólo por conducir un BMW? ¡En mi libro, eso es ser un COMEM***DA!