Abril de 2008

Origin of man............

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 3 Apr 2008

A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race get here?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys who came down out of the trees. They started to walk on their back legs, made tools and fire and eventually turned into mankind."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Momma, why is it that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they came from monkeys."

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."

Supermarket Surround Sound

COLOCADO POR: **Rowland Croucher**
FECHA: 7 Apr 2008

COMENTARIO: Ahora que estamos por tener TV digital de aquí a un año más, qué tal si extendemos la experiencia que eso nos debe traer a otros medios y sitios...

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND A new supermarket franchise is opening a whole new experience in shopping...

Their produce departments have automatic water misting systems to keep everything fresh. Each time it goes on, you'll hear the sound of thunder and you can actually detect the fragrance of fresh rain.

When you approach their dairy sections, you hear cows mooing and you sense the slight pungency of the silage they eat.

If you're looking for eggs, you'll hear hens clucking and cackling, and your appetite is stimulated by the aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

Their veggie departments feature the sounds of bird calls and a gentle breeze, with the smell of fresh buttered corn.

It's a smorgasbord for the senses, though it's probably best to shop somewhere else if you want to buy toilet paper.

COMENTARIO: ¿Que qué? Ah, pues gracias por advertirme antes.

Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women

COLOCADO POR: Mark Branom
FECHA: 7 Apr 2008

Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

COMENTARIO: ¿?

NYT: News Media To Replace Police Force in Major Cites

COLOCADO POR: MonkeyMigraine
FECHA: 16 Apr 2008

NOTA: Hasta donde yo sepa, la única estación de TV en Puerto Rico que tiene un helicóptero "con todos los hierros" para lo que dice a continuación es WAPA-TV/DT. Así que ¿cuánto apuestan a que eso sucederá algún día?

HEADLINE: News Media To Replace Police Force in Major Cites
Published in the _New Yuk Times_, March 10, 2008

WASHINGTON, DC - The president signed a new bill into law that will shut down the police force of most major cities in the United States, and charge the local news media with taking over law enforcement. By the end of the year, instead of police officers and police detectives, criminals will be pursued by news helicopters and teams of investigative reporters.

The law, formerly known as the National Media Law Enforcement Support bill, orders fifteen major metropolises, including Los Angeles, New York, Miami, and Dallas, to disband their police force in fifteen days. The remainder of the cities throughout the nation will follow according to a time table that will leave a majority of the U.S. without local law enforcement by the end of the year. The money formerly allocated to the police force will be given as subsidies to local news agencies to allow them to increase their staff to meet the demand.

The bill's main sponsor, Senator Bill Kopelke of Oklahoma, explained that he was driven by the rising crime rates in his state, coupled with the increased efficiency of TV news. During a break, he explained, "I was watching the police chase one night on KQBD, and they lost track of the car they were chasing. But the station's helicopter was still on him, broadcasting his location and even shining their spotlight on him. I thought to myself, they're doin' a better job of catching this guy than the police. That's when the lightbulb went on."

Police car chases have become extremely controversial in the last few years. Concerns over the dangers of high speed pursuits through populated areas have led many cities to severely restrict or even ban police from chases fleeing suspects. In this area, it's believed that the presence of the news media as law enforcement will benefit the most.

"Before the new policy," said Kopelke, "almost every extended car chase was covered live by local news agencies who followed them with helicopters. Not only do news helicopters far outnumber police helicopters, but they're relentless and all equipped with cameras. By broadcasting chases live on national television, the entire city becomes part of the investigation. We'll set up a toll-free hotline for the public to call in if they spot a speeding vehicle, and can tip us off to what direction it's going if the helicopters lose track of it.

"The same applies to suspects trying to get away on foot. Rather than waste manpower chasing down criminals, the media can just assign helicopters to chase them down from the air. With all those copters hovering over the city, it's hard to imagine how anyone could get away. And then the helicopters can give traffic reports at the same time. Let's see the police do that."

As far as solving crimes, the new law allows the news media to assist with their investigative reporting units. Once a suspect is identified, a sketch will be created by the news media and broadcast on television. Hotlines will be established to allow citizens to call in tips and leads. Instead of detectives, investigative reporters will be assigned to cases.

"Investigative reporters have proved aggressive and enthusiastic," said Kopelke. "They're already equipped with a large staff, huge resources, and dedication to root out the details. When a suspect is found, the reporters will swarm on them with cameras and microphones to try to get them to confess. We expect the stress of having reporters hounding them will drive criminals to turn themselves in."

Senator Richard Bliss, one of the bill's co-sponsors, is enthusiastic about the law. "We believe that this new system will become the model for nations worldwide. The best part is that the news channels will be competing with each other, and everyone knows that competition improves efficiency. With three different news organizations chasing down criminals, we expect the crime rate to go down significantly. The only problem I can see is that ratings will drive which crimes get solved. As they say in the business, if it bleeds, it leads. So it will be the most sensational, violent, or sexual crimes that receive the most attention from the media. Smaller or non-violent crimes will most likely be ignored. Then again, who really cares about those, anyway?"

Denise McGann, president of NBC, was quiet about the law. She only made a brief statement at the press conference that said in part, "We're proud to be a part of helping our community. We also think this will be a huge boost to our ratings."

If the plan is successful, there are already plans being drawn up to expand the program. Said Kopelke, "We're already talking about replacing the FBI with the national news agencies like CNN and MSNBC, and the U.S. Department of Justice is launching a pilot program to be replaced by channels like CourtTV. Who needs a trial to assign guilt or innocence when you already have teams of legal experts on television weighing in on evidence and testimony on an hourly basis? If things keep going this way, the U.S. government might just be whittled down to the IRS."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah! Pues vamos a ver si Telemundo-San Juan y Univisión-PR se animan con esta idea. Mientras tanto, vamos a pasar nuestra transmisión con el Capitán Crunch, desde el helicóptero exclusivo de LDB News, que nos tiene una espectacular persecución de un confinado que se acaba de fugar de la Cárcel de Bayamón...

The Knighting

COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 25 Apr 2008

NOTA: La anotación al final del mensaje es del autor.

The Knighting

Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.

The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws. The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz.

The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it.

Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly.

Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.

Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: ... "Ma Nish Tana Halilah Hazeh!" ...

The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, ... "Why is this knight different from all other knights." (By George Burns)

["Ma Nish Tana Halilah Hazeh!" or "Why is this night different from all other nights?" is part of every Passover sedar.]

I Told You So!

COLOCADO POR: Hal Hanig
FECHA: 21 Apr 2008

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working. She called a repairman but he wasn't able accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

COMENTARIO: Dice el antiguo refrán que el que no escucha consejos... ¡no llega a viejo!

Big Bad John

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 27 Apr 2008

One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He was hired as the local saloon's bartender, but the owner gave him a word of warning: "Remember, drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.

The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doorframe and wall! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink.

"Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man. He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, then then turned to leave. The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the giant man if he would like another drink.

"Hell, I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"

COMENTARIO: Al igual que en Gunsmoke, así es la historia de la violencia que siguió a una nación joven que se movía hacia el Oeste... ¡y de un hombre que se movió... hacia donde estaba esa violencia! ¡Pero sólo para salir de allí "embarra'o"! Mira, mi'jo... get out of Dodge!

Honey, I got a new secretary

COLOCADO POR: 15jokes[at]gmail.com
FECHA: 22 Apr 2008

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

COMENTARIO: ¡TOOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAA! ¡Bueno que le ocurra a él, que quería humillar a su esposa y ella "le viró la tortilla"!

Privates

COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 29 Apr 2008

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we're privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, pero qué classe 'e bruto!

War is War!!

COLOCADO POR: tictac
FECHA: 30 Apr 2008

Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food."

The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread". "War is War, bring us the food!" So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine." "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is War, bring us the wine!" So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman" "But everyone has left the village. The only female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time." Granny goes, "The hell you will, War is War!!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bonito! La anciana quiere sacrificarse "por la causa"...