Noviembre de 2007

PASEADOR PASEADO
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 20 Nov 2007

Mientras un hombre paseaba por un parque, vio a otro que estaba abrazado a un árbol, con una oreja pegada fuertemente contra el tronco. Viendo esto, el hombre preguntó,

- Sólo por curiosidad, ¿qué estás haciendo?

- "Estoy escuchando la música del árbol", respondió el otro.

- Vamos, vamos. Tienes que estar bromeando.

- Por supuesto que no. ¿Quieres escuchar?

No pudiendo más con su curiosidad, el paseante dice,

- Está bien...

Colocó sus brazos alrededor del tronco y acercó su oreja. Con esto, el otro le puso un par de esposas, le quitó la billetera, los anillos, su reloj, las llaves del auto y finalmente le quitó toda la ropa, y se fue corriendo.

Dos horas después, otro caminante pasó cerca, vio al hombre desnudo, esposado al árbol, y le preguntó,

- ¿Qué te pasó?

El hombre le contó la terrible historia de cómo y porqué se encontraba allí. Cuando terminó de contarle lo sucedido, el otro movió la cabeza en señal de comprensión, caminó hasta quedar detrás de él, lo besó suavemente en la oreja y le dijo,

- De veras que este no es tu día, amorcito...

COMENTARIO: ¡Oh Oh! ¡OOh OOh! ¡OOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOH!

Vaya susto
COLOCADO POR: Palanis
FECHA: 21 Nov 2007

Acompañado de su perro, un pastor ordeña una cabra. En eso, el animal se vira y le reclama:

"¡Tantos años tocándome las tetas y nunca me has dado un beso!"

Sorprendido, el pastor sale corriendo por el campo seguido por el perro. Cuando por fin se detienen, el perro se le queda viendo al asustado pastor diciéndole:

"¡Vaya susto que nos dio la cabra!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Bendito! Total, si la cabra lo que está es reclamando... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡reclamando lo suyo!

An Untrusting Husband
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Nov 2007

NOTA: El título lo modifiqué del original. — LDB.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

COMENTARIO: Yo no sé qué piensen ustedes, pero creo que él debe irse de viaje más a menudo... ¡a lo mejor se economiza lo que cuesta hoy la mantequilla en el supermercado (con todo y el IVU)!

Wrong one
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 6 Nov 2007

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. "I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

COMENTARIO: O sea, tras de que el individuo estaba ebrio, también es bruto...

You can do anything if you want it bad...
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 7 Nov 2007

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability.

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village.

The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho.

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner.

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts.

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser.

True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.

One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.

There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory.

You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border.

Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither.

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.

COMENTARIO: ¡¿Huh?!

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Nov 2007

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo! Y entonces, ¿qué fue lo que el caballo entendió originalmente que el vaquero quería?

Doc you got to help me
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Nov 2007

Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.

Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

COMENTARIO: La verdad es que yo no puedo con "físicos nucleares" como este individuo. Digo, hacer... esteeeeeeeeee... lo que él describe como su hobby y que no se le ponga así? ¡Ay, por favor!

Alcohol
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Nov 2007

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you

COMENTARIO: La verdad es que hay amistades que matan... pero bueno, yo creo que esto se merece una frííííía... o dos... o tres... o...

Real 911 Calls
COLOCADO POR: **Rowland Croucher**
FECHA: 6 Nov 2007

Believe it or not, these are real 911 calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

*********************************************************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

*********************************************************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, Ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

*********************************************************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

*********************************************************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

COMENTARIO: Pero como decía un ex director de donde yo trabajo, "esas cosas no pasan aquí". (¡No! ¿Quién dijo eso?)

New York Driving Rules
COLOCADO POR: Mr. Mistery
FECHA: 15 Nov 2007

New York Driving Rules:

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensurhat your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con la manera que se maneja un vehículo de motor en Puerto Rico... ¡es pura changuería!

Wee Stump Inn
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 11 Nov 2007

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team.  All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail.   They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in.  He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.

Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine.  I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!"

The Rancher
COLOCADO POR: Hal Hanig
FECHA: 12 Nov 2007

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico.

The New Mexico State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

Well,' replied the rancher, 'there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the rancher.

COMENTARIO: ¡Y bastante half-wit que es el individuo!

The FDA study
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 12 Nov 2007

In a recent FDA study, identical doses of Viagra were administered weekly to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

COMENTARIO: Lo que el estudio de la FDA (Administración de Alimentos y Drogas de los EE.UU.) no dice es que en el caso de los abogados, éstos se pudieron poner derechos por más tiempo. Ahora bien, me pregunto si será problemático que los abogados se paren derechitos por más de 4 horas corridas... Y entonces, ¿habrá que consultar con un médico (digo, tan pronto éste se desocupe...)?

A man returning home a day early
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 14 Nov 2007

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

MORALEJA: Uno debe cuidarse de no matar la gallina (¿no será más bien, "el gallo"?) de los huevos de oro.

The carpet installer
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 16 Nov 2007

A guy (we'll call him Steve) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.

As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.

Steve looked around and noticed that his smokes were missing.

He did, however, notice a lump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.

Steve decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

"Steve, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed.

"Here are your smokes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?"

COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!

Burned Grandad
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 19 Nov 2007

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't fuck around at those crematoriums.

COMENTARIO: Eso es algo que no me atrevo a refutar...

Lifetime Horoscope
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 21 Nov 2007

COMENTARIO ESPECULATIVO: Esto es lo que sucede cuando ni Walter Mercado ni Anita Cassandra ni Rukmini tienen ganas de escribir horóscopos y delegan en cualquier... esteeeeeeeeee... cualquier "tusa" que les ayude a salir del paso:

Aquarius: Jan20–Feb 13 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a lot. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA, KGB, and FBI. You have a minor influence over associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally afraid to do anything. Pisces people often have sex with small animals.

Aries: Mar21–Apr 19 You are the planner type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus: Apr 20–May 20 You're practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. In actually, you are nothing but a damn communist.

Gemini: May 21–June 20 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer: June 21–July 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you will always be on welfare and never worth a dime.

Leo: July 23–Aug 22 You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot take criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

Virgo: Aug 23–Sept 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is excessive and sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Libra: Sept 23–Oct 22 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If your are a man, you are more than likely gay. Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women make excellent whores. All libras will eventually die of veneral disease.

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnalce of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a bitch. Most scorpios are mentally retarded.

Saggitarius: Nov 22–Dec 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of saggitarius are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fucked.

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for very long periods of time, as they tend to attract pigeons.

NÚMEROS DE LA SUERTE PARA HOY: Ninguno.
TU OPORTUNIDAD PARA ESTE DÍA . . . ¡Olvídate, que ya la dejaste ir!
PALABRA SAGRADA PARA HOY: Esteeeeeeeeee . . . no me atrevo a repetirla aquí.

National Condom Week
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 21 Nov 2007

COMENTARIO: OK, ya que se acerca el Día de Alerta Mundial Contra el SIDA, qué tal si empezamos a hacer campaña desde ya. ¿Alguna voluntaria que se ofrezca... para ayudarme con la campaña (¡por supuesto!)?

List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take of her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If you really love her, wear a cover.

22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

COMENTARIO: Y aunque a primera vista parezca como que "no pega"... ¡SIN EL GORRITO, NO HAY CUMPLEAÑOS!

Two Deer Hunters
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 23 Nov 2007

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

COMENTARIO: ¡Oh Oh! ¡OOh OOh! ¡OOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOH!

Helpful Info on HMOs
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 24 Nov 2007

COMENTARIO: Justo a tiempo para cuando los empleados del gobierno de Puerto Rico están renovando sus planes de seguro médico, nos llega esto:

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN...

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." It's roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories—those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

COMENTARIO: No sé, pero después de leer esto, creo que mejor me resuelvo con un té de gengíbre...

Salary Increase
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 28 Nov 2007

A maid in a fancy Wilshire home wanted her wages increased. But the Madam was upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you deserve an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

COMENTARIO: Y entonces la señora de la casa decidió que ya era tiempo de consiguirse un nuevo... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡jardinero!

Yard Sale Addict
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 26 Nov 2007

NOTA: En el título original, la palabra inglesa addict está escrita incorrectamente. — LDB.

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

COMENTARIO: OK, pero... ¿y si a ella se le hubiera ocurrido irse de compras a Plaza Las Américas?

The motorcycle patrolman
COLOCADO POR: Charles N. Oakes
FECHA: 26 Nov 2007

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence.....

"Get well soon.....

From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week"

COMENTARIO: Otra de esas vueltas que da la vida...