Junio de 2007

EL VALOR DE UN MARIDO
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 7 Jun 2007

(NADIE SABE EL VALOR DE LO QUE TIENE, HASTA QUE LO PIERDE)

Tres operarios limpian las ventanas en lo alto de un rascacielos. Uno de ellos tiene necesidad de ir urgentemente al baño y decide bajar de su silleta. Mientras está en el baño, un viento fortísimo azota el edificio y hace precipitar al vacío a sus dos compañeros, quienes se estrellan contra el pavimento.

Esa misma noche, nuestro amigo, que no tiene consuelo por lo ocurrido, acude con su esposa al velatorio de sus compañeros y trata de dar ánimo a las viudas... pero no encuentra suficientes palabras de aliento.

De pronto irrumpen en la sala dos señores muy circunspectos, que preguntan por las viudas y se dirigen a ellas:

- Señoras: Según la póliza prevista por la empresa de seguros... Se trata de un cheque por 1.500.000.- euros para cada una de ustedes. Tengan los cheques y reciban nuestras más profundas condolencias.

La esposa de nuestro amigo mira anonadada la escena y se dirige a su marido y le dice:

- ¡Claro! ¿Y el señoritoooooo...? ¡¡Cagando!!

Dos poesías
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 14 Jun 2007

ÉL

¡Qué feliz soy amor mío!
pronto estaremos casados,
el desayuno en la cama,
Un buen jugo y pan tostado
Con huevos bien revueltitos,
todo listo bien temprano
Saldré yo hacia la oficina
y tú rápido al mercado,
pues en sólo media hora
debes llegar al trabajo.
Y seguro dejarás
todo ya bien arreglado
pues bien sabes que en la noche
me gusta cenar temprano.
Eso sí, nunca te olvides
que yo vuelvo muy cansado
Por la noche, teleseries,
Cinemateca barato.
No iremos nunca de shopping,
ni de restaurantes caros
Ni de gastar los dineros,
ni despilfarrar los cuartos
Tu guisaras para mi,
sólo comida casera.
Yo no soy como a la gente
que le gusta comer fuera...
¿No te parece, querida
que serán dias gloriosos?
y no olvides que muy pronto,
yo seré tu amante esposo.

ELLA

¡Qué sincero eres mi amor!,
¡Qué oportunas tus palabras!
Tú esperas tanto de mí
que me siento intimidada.
No se hacer huevos revueltos
como tu mamá adorada
se me quema el pan tostado,
de cocina no se nada
A mi me gusta dormir
casi toda la mañana.
Ir de shopping, hacer compras
con la Mastercard dorada,
tomar té o el cafecito
en alguna linda plaza,
comprar todo de diseño
y la ropita muy cara.
Conciertos de Luismi y Juanga,
cenas en La Guacamaya,
viajes a Punta Cana
a pasar la temporada.
Piénsalo bien, aún hay tiempo
la iglesia no está pagada.
Yo devuelvo mi vestido,
y tú, tu traje de gala.
Y el domingo en el diario,
con letra bien destacada:
"HOMBRE JOVEN Y BUEN MOZO
BUSCA UNA ESCLAVA MUY LERDA
PORQUE SU EX FUTURA ESPOSA,
AYER LO MANDÓ A LA MIERDA"

COMENTARIO EN VERSO:
Aunque mires para arriba,
Aunque mires para abajo,
No hay más nada que buscar:
Este poema está del __________".

Tipos de Trabajadores
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 27 Jun 2007

Hay dos tipos de trabajadores: Los mayas y los aztecas.

Los mayas son aquellos que todos los días llegan al trabajo una hora más tarde, se van a desayunar, vuelven tres horas después y preguntan:

-¿MAYA-mado alguien?

Los aztecas son aquellos que llegan al trabajo, marcan la tarjeta y se marchan con la intención de no volver, pero antes de irse le dicen al compañero:

-AZTECA-rgo de lo mío.

COMENTARIO: ¿Me creerán si les digo que de los unos y de los otros estoy viendo muchos en mi lugar de trabajo últimamente?

Two Sweethearts
COLOCADO POR: Skindog
FECHA: 3 Jun 2007

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

COMENTARIO: Y ya yo me imagino al ex-novio despechado pensando mientras echaba la foto al correo... "¡Qué mucho gozo cuando me vengo... porque la venganza es dulce!" (Y por favor, ¡NO SEAN MALPENSADOS! Él se refiere a la venganza, ¿OK?)

Quickie
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 5 Jun 2007

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having lunch at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of soup and a salad."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie today?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr.Clinton!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......... "It's pronounced, 'Quiche'!"

COMENTARIO: A mí me da lo mismo cómo se pronuncia, yo creo que lo voy a pedir con "arañitas" de plátano...

Chimpanzee Unemployment, Homelessness On The Rise
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Jun 2007

COMENTARIO: A continuación, nuestra nueva reportera exclusiva de LDB News, Maritza Cañiñaemono, nos trae el siguiente reportaje:

Hey friend, can you spare some change?

BEAVERTON, OREGON (AP Newsliar) -- Unemployment and homelessness is on the rise among the nation's chimpanzee population, amid a decline in the use of primates for animal research.

Owing to the efforts of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and other activist groups, chimpanzees who once enjoyed three squares a day and decent living conditions at facilities such as the Oregon National Primate Research Center are now finding themselves out on the streets with little in the way of marketable job skills.

A steep reduction in the production of zany movies featuring the antics of chimps on the loose has contributed to the plight of unemployed chimpanzees. Last week at casting calls for extras to appear in "Space Chimps" and for the upcoming Matthew Broderick film "Project 2X", over 1,400 chimpanzees waited in line almost 18 hours to audition for only 12 available roles.

No other chimp-related movies are currently planned, and the highly coveted role of Chim-Chim in the upcoming live-action "Speed Racer" movie will be filled by a computer-generated image (CGI) character rather than a live chimpanzee.

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido entre lo que dice este reportaje y la situación ocasionada por las colonias de monos que desde hace varios años andan sueltas por el municipio de Lajas (en el Sudoeste de Puerto Rico) y sus alrededores... ¡es pura pocavergüenza!

You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves
COLOCADO POR: Ted Johnson
FECHA: 7 Jun 2007 (originally appeared in 1990)

I am reminded...

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip—three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah! Pues si eso es así, mis hijos (¡si los tuviera!) deben sentirse orgullosos de mí...

Paris Hilton Plays Her Trump Card
COLOCADO POR: Bill Kinnersley
FECHA: 13 Jun 2007

COMENTARIO: Seguidamente, nuestro exclusivo reportero internacional, Penn de Haul, nos trae esta noticia acabada de recibir sobre la niña malcriada que al día de hoy está saboreando su medicina amarga:

In a desperate attempt to win release from prison today, Paris Hilton threatened to clean up her act. The announcement immediately sent shockwaves throughout the media.

"I used to act dumb–it was an act," she said. "I am 26 years old and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. God has given me this new chance."

Editors of People Magazine and TMZ.com discounted the statement as a bargaining ploy, and producers of The Simple Life at Fox TV hastened to reassure the public that future episodes of the show would go on as originally scheduled. God could not be reached for comment.

National news organizations, which have come to depend heavily in recent days on the socialite and her adventures for the type of "human interest" stories that maintain their audience, had little to say on the matter. But inside sources indicated that a quiet search was underway for a replacement, should the unthinkable ever become necessary.

The announcement could not come at a worse time. The entertainment media is reeling from a series of setbacks, as star after star has "matured," either entering drug rehab, adopting children or embarking on apparently stable relationships. "Rosie O'Donnell can't carry this all by herself," a news exec was heard to remark.

MORALEJA: Hay quien para verse bien ante los demás se agarra hasta de un clavo caliente... ¡y esto es muy cierto, tanto para los ricos como para los pobres!

The Three Monks
COLOCADO POR: Ray Deonandan
FECHA: 12 Jun 2007 (originally appeared in first quarter, 1991)

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three, stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"

"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will not receive absolution!" said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I snorted coffee whitener...."

"Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?" demanded the head abbot.

"I can't say! It's much too evil!"

"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"

"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora, my CD player..."

"Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

"What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?"

"No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"

"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last night I...I..."

"Yes?"

"I pissed in the Holy Water."

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que esto ni siquiera el Vaticano lo resuelve, así que mejor ni opino...

José & Carlos are panhandling on the street
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 24 Jun 2007

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico ".

COMENTARIO: Y ya que las propuestas de reforma migratoria federal parece que se hicieron sal y agua, seguro habrá muuuuucha gente dispuesta a enviar a José de vuelta a México...

Kindergarten
COLOCADO POR: A-1
FECHA: 26 Jun 2007

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

COMENTARIO: ¡Adió' cará! Total, ¿a quién le amarga un dulce?

Memo: Forbidden Colors
COLOCADO POR: Eric Perlin
FECHA: 27 Jun 2007

Memo to All Staff:

Wearing certain colors can be upsetting to other employees or to clients. Therefore, here is a list of forbidden colors, with explanations.

Blue: This color is forbidden because it is sometimes associated with sadness and depression, as in "feeling blue" or "having the blues." It is also associated with vulgarity as in "blue humor."

Red: This color may encourage violence in the workplace due to the fact that it is the color of blood. It is also forbidden because this color is sometimes associated with Communists and the Republican party, both of which are known to offend some people.

Yellow: This color is forbidden because it is associated with cowardice, and that is not the proper image we wish to project.

Green: This is the color of rancid food, and may upset some people who have had bad experiences with such.

Orange: This color is absolutely off limits due to the fact that it is the color of prison uniforms. We cannot permit our employees to look like escaped convicts.

Purple: This color is forbidden because it is sometimes thought of as a "gay pride" color, and therefore may be offensive to homophobes.

Brown: This color is considered downright vile. It was the color worn by nazi officers, who to this day are sometimes referred to as "brown shirts".

Pink: Corporations often notify workers of employment termination by issuing a "pink slip." The color pink could bring out unpleasant memories for people who have lost jobs, and is therefore forbidden.

Black: This color could be associated with the Black Plague or black magic, and western movie villains. We certainly cannot allow our employees to dress like villains, and any black clothing is absolutely forbidden.

Gray: This color was worn by Confederate soldiers in the Civil War, and therefore could be construed by some as projecting a pro-slavery message.

White: This is the color worn by the Ku Klux Klan. We cannot allow employees to look like Klansmen, so all clothing in this color is strictly prohibited.

This dress code will be strictly enforced. Any employees found wearing any of these forbidden colors will be required to immediately remove all clothing that is in violation.

COMENTARIO: Leyendo esto, yo me pregunto cómo a alguien en su sano juicio se le podría ocurrir implantar un código de vestimenta así. Y a todo esto, ¿de qué color habrá que vestir entonces, ah?

P. T. Barnum
COLOCADO POR: Ernst W Mayer
FECHA: 30 Jun 2007 (originally appeared in second quarter, 1991)

The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note which read:

Maine cherries are black.

There's a sucker born every minute...

Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000. (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)

COMENTARIO: Esto también demuestra que hasta quienes se creen listos caen en sus propias triquiñuelas de vez en cuando.