Julio de 2007

LAS CINCO VOCALES
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 9 Jul 2007

La famosa escritora española Lucía Echevarría, ganadora del Premio Planeta, dijo en una entrevista, que "murciélago" era la única palabra en el idioma español que contenía las 5 vocales.  Un lector, José Fernando Blanco Sánchez, envió la siguiente carta al periódico ABC, para ampliar su conocimiento.

Carta al director del diario! ABC:

Acabo de ver en la televisión estatal a Lucía Echevarría diciendo que,"murciélago " es la única palabra en nuestro idioma que tiene las cinco vocales...!

Mi estimada señora, piense un poco y controle su "euforia".  Un "arquitecto" "escuálido", llamado "Aurelio" o "Eulalio", dice que lo más "auténtico" es tener un "abuelito" que lleve un traje "reticulado" y siga el "arquetipo " de aquel viejo "reumático" y "repudiado", que "consiguiera" en su tiempo, ser "esquilado" por un "comunicante", que cometió "adulterio" con una "encubridora" cerca del "estanquillo".

Señora escritora, si el "peliagudo" "enunciado" de la "ecuación" la deja "irresoluta", olvide su "menstruación" y piense de modo "jerárquico".

No se atragante con esta "perturbación", que no va con su "milonguera" y "meticulosa" "educación".

Y repita conmigo, como diría Cantinflas: ¡Lo que es la falta de ignorancia!

COMENTARIO: Ya lo saben, amigas y amigos: no todo el que se las da de intelectual es sabio...

Billete de a Mil
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 11 Jul 2007

Van Santa Claus, los tres Reyes Magos, un chilango y un político mexicano honrado por la calle y se encuentran un billete de a mil.  ¿Quién se agacha a levantarlo?

El chilango.  Los otros personajes solo existen en la imaginación de los niños.

COMENTARIO: ¿Qué tal si en lugar de "un político mexicano honrado" el chiste hablara de "un político puertorriqueño honrado"?  Lamentablemente, estaríamos hablando de algo que NO EXISTE, ni en la imaginación de los niños.

An oldie
COLOCADO POR: Dukelev
FECHA: 8 Jul 2007

The Italian says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have wine."

The Mexican says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have tequila."

The Scot says : "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have scotch."

The Swede says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have aquavit."

The Japanese says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have sake."

The Russian says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have vodka."

The German says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have beer."

The Greek says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have ouzo."

The Jew says: "I'm tired and thirsty.  I must have diabetes."

COMENTARIO: Y leer todo esto a mí también me ha dejado cansado y sediento...

Beep
COLOCADO POR: RICO
FECHA: 3 Jul 2007

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon.  He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.  "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out.  "Beep!" he said.  Immediately he was UP.  Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled with delight and anticipation.  At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions.  Just drop your clothes and hop into bed."  Caught up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,., "What's all this 'beep beep' shit?"

COMENTARIO: Bueno, lo siento mucho, pero el individuo ya tuvo su chancecito...

Growth rate
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 3 Jul 2007

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician.  He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel.  He then rushed off.  At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small.  They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital."

COMENTARIO: ¡Oye, ésa sí que es una buena idea!

Larry's Lusts
COLOCADO POR: MosNot
FECHA: 5 Jul 2007

A 2007 SPECIAL TRIBUTE to some women Larry's lusted for.

Brigette Bardot is now 72

Stella Stevens is now 69

Sophia Loren is now 72

Gina Lollobrigida is now 79

Lena Horne 89

Patti Page 79

Annette Funicello 64

Barbara Eden 72

Que si Barbara Eden es vieeejaaa...  Recién acabo de verla en DVD en un episodio de Gunsmoke ("La Ley del Revólver") de la temporada 1957–58...  Y de allá para acá, cuánto ha llovido...

Doris Day 82

Joan Collins 73

Carroll Baker 75

Ann-Margret 65

Julie Andrews 71

Ursula Andress 70

Kim Novak 73

Debbie Reynolds 74

Shirley Temple 78

Jane Russell 85

Elke Sommer 66

Jill St. John 66

Guess he really likes older women.....

COMENTARIO: Otra muestra de que "el tiempo pasa, y nos vamos poniendo viejos"...

The power to cloud mens' minds
COLOCADO POR: harris[AT]sauron.UUCP
FECHA: 7 Jul 2007

Reported by the Associated Press

Summerville, SC

Police have only the barest of clues to investigate a convenience store robbery aided by a scantily clad woman.

A woman wearing only panties was accompanied by two men who robbed the U.S.78 store of $60 worth of beer about 5:30 a.m. Sunday, police say.

The woman walked around the store, and while the 49-year-old clerk was focused on her, the men hauled off four cases of beer, Detective Cpl. Al Lapolla said.

The clerk told police he thinks the men were white, but he cannot say for sure, Lapolla said.

He told police the woman was white but he is not sure about her height or hair color.

"The parts of her anatomy he concentrated on he was able to tell us a great deal about," Lapolla said.

Asked if the store had cameras that might have photographed the trio, Lapolla said, "It's not one of those stores, darn it."

COMENTARIO: ¿Así quién va a obtener una identificación positiva en este caso?  Menos mal que cosas como ésa no ocurren en Puerto Rico... ¡pero uno nunca sabe!

Three nuns at the Pearly Gates
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Jul 2007

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.  At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.  He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed.  "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.  He reads the paper and starts laughing.  He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

COMENTARIO: Yo lo lamento mucho, pero la tercera monja tendrá que resolverse... esteeeeeeeeee... a la luz de 1,400 velas...

The Lawyer and the Baby
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 9 Jul 2007

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!  "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

COMENTARIO: OK, no es por nada, pero... ¡fue una excelente decisión!

Hunting Dog
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Jul 2007

A guy decides he wants to learn how to hunt.  Needing a good hunting dog, he visits a farmer who has been advertising hounds in the newspaper.  The farmer shows him several dogs, but the guy doesn't like them.  Then he spots one hound that the farmer hasn't shown him.  The guys asks, "What about that one?"  "Oh, no," the farmer replies.  "That one's my special dog."  "What's so special about him?"  "Let me show you."

The farmer leads the guy and the dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's ears, and orders, "Go find the birds!"  The dog charges to a nearby bush, points and barks once.  "That means there's one bird in that bush," says the farmer.  "No way!" exclaims the guy.  The farmer takes a stick and pokes the bush, and a huge pheasant flies out.

To further convince the guy, the farmer again lifts the dog's ear and repeats, "Go find the birds!"  This time the dog streaks off to another bush, points, and barks twice.  "That means there's two birds in there," says the farmer, taking his stick and poking at the bush.  Two huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

"I've gotta have that dog!" says the man.  "Well, okay," replies the farmer.  "But it's gonna cost you a bundle."  The guy forks over the bucks and takes the dog.

A month later, the farmer has to go to the city, and decides to visit the guy who bought his prize hound.  When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replies, "A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the damnedest thing happened.  I went up to the dog, lifted one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds.'  The dog took off like a bat outta hell and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy.  Then he jumped on my leg and started humping it like I was a bitch in heat.  After that, he grabbed a stick and started shaking it violently at me!  I thought he'd gone nuts for sure, or maybe had rabies or something.  So I shot the fucker."

"You blithering idiot!" yelled the farmer.  "He was just telling you that there's more fuckin' birds out there than you could shake a stick at!"

COMENTARIO: ¡QUÉ BRUUUUUUUUUUTO!

Airbag Contest
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 10 Jul 2007

COMENTARIO: Nuestro reportero internacional, Penn de Haul, nos trae la siguiente noticia de primera plana:

Airbag Contest a Success!

DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1999, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 2008 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2008 sales significantly.  "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the Super Bowl in New Orleans.  Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 2008, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.  "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.  "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won.  I swear, I'm going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!"  Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received.  "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable.  After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said.  "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.  Who wouldn't like that?"  Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 2008 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.  Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse.  "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate.  "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner.  "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate.  But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 2006 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate.  That's just wrong."

COMENTARIO: Bueno, amigas y amigos, ya lo saben: Para ganar... ¡hay que chocar!

See, I told you so
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 15 Jul 2007

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty" she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

COMENTARIO: ¿Ah?  ¿Así de temprano empiezan?

Supermarket Surroundsound/scent
COLOCADO POR: Skid Schermerhorn
FECHA: 9 Jul 2007

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

COMENTARIO: Y a todo esto, ya que mencionaron el área donde está la leche...¡cuidado con pisar "los vidrios"!

Traffic Cop
COLOCADO POR: Charles Oakes
FECHA: 13 Jul 2007

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.  The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.  The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!  So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.  The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything.  When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.  He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.  The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, get in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court.  The violator has such a bad record he's about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.  On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.  Under cross examination the defense attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds: "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "'Aggressive" and 'Hostile', Sir"

Attorney: "'Aggressive' and 'Hostile'"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer,,, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Nada más con el testigo!

Doctor
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 17 Jul 2007

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.  "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic.  I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.  "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".

"Excellent.  You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.  Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

'HELP ME!  For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God "says the doctor.  "What did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, bendito!  La verdad es que el ayudante es un "ara'o"...  Y además, yo me imagino que la paciente no habrá quedado muy contenta que digamos...

Things aren't always what they seem!
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 19 Jul 2007

One night , after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.  He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.  Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.  He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.  His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.  His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

COMENTARIO: ¡AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!  Otro "ara'o"...

Dentist
COLOCADO POR: Skid Schermerhorn
FECHA: 21 Jul 2007

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.  "No way!  No needles!  I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.  "I can't do the gas thing—the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says,  "I am fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow—I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

COMENTARIO: Pues yo no creo que eso sea una indicación que se pueda incluir en los comerciales de Viagra en el futuro...

Geography of a Woman
COLOCADO POR: Ablang
FECHA: 26 Jul 2007

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by a prick.

COMENTARIO: Ey ey ey ey ey...  A mí no me rige... esteeeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeee...  ¡Mejor lo dejamos ahí!

Heart Attack
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
FECHA: 27 Jul 2007

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.  The husband dials 000 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly.  "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all", says her husband, practicing his putting stroke.  "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!"

COMENTARIO: O sea, ¿que hasta Tiger Woods lo va a dejar jugar adelante?  Y mientras tanto, la señora... ¡que espere a que él llegue (como si estuviera esperando por los de Emergencias Médicas)!  ¡Qué... pantalones!

Behind You
COLOCADO POR: Roy S. Rapoport
FECHA: 24 Jul 2007 (originally appeared in third quarter, 1994)

I participated in a time-management 12-step-type seminar yesterday, mixing both professional tips and 'philosophy' on time ... at a certain point the presentor said:

"When you're 98, and you've retired as the longest-lasting employee of your company, and you're sitting on your back porch, with your hound-dog there—what do you want to look back and see?"

Someone in the audience spoke up:  "Your house?"

COMENTARIO: Ésa es una buena pregunta, porque si lo que ve no es precisamente su casa... o se la han robado, o al retirado se le olvidó dónde vive...

Amateur Robber
COLOCADO POR: John Palmer
FECHA: 25 Jul 2007 (originally appeared in first quarter, 1989)

COMENTARIO: La siguente noticia fue rescatada de la "caja de reciclaje" por nuestra editora ejecutiva, Francisca (Paca) Garmendía-Domingo:

From the Booth News Service, December 22, 1988:

Flint, Mich. — Maybe it's just because he's an amateur.  Or maybe he harbored a Freudian wish to be caught.

Whatever the reason, police had little trouble tracing a man who allegedly held up a service station in Flint Township over the weekend.  The robber fled with $70, wearing a high school varsity jacket with his name on the back.  The suspect, 24, was to have been arraigned Monday.

COMENTARIO: Y eso, que no van ni 18 años de esa noticia... ¡y todavía en 2007, los hay que no aprenden!

What problem.............................
COLOCADO POR: B5G5
FECHA: 31 Jul 2007

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

Not me.  I concentrate on solutions for the problems.  It's a win-win situation.

• Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

• Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

• Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

COMENTARIO: Pues... ¿qué tal si hacemos LO MISMO con la frontera entre Estados Unidos y Canadá, ah?  Es más: Si les hacen falta más lagartos, les podemos enviar todos los caimanes que se están propagando en la Laguna Tortuguero.  Tremenda idea, ¿no?

Consumer Reports Looks at Girlfriends
COLOCADO POR: no_one
FECHA: 30 Jul 2007

COMENTARIO: A continuación, en nuestra sección de "Noticias Para... (¡Usted Sabrá Qué Hacerse Con Ellas!)", los expertos de Consumer Reports nos dicen cómo elegir una novia.

Consumer Reports Looks at Girlfriends

_____________________________________

It has been almost 35 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market has changed substantially.  Clearly, another report was long overdue.

Identifying Your Needs

---------------------------------

As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one.  Do you want an intellectual companion?  A baby factory?  A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories—large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc.  However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets.  For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit.  You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.

Determine Your Budget

----------------------------------

The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford.  The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics.  If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.  On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited.  Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.

Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

---------------------

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age:

¡AAAAARGHHHHH!  ¡Me salvé yo ahora...!...

New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you.  The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account.  Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out.  CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

CR's Methodology

--------------------------

For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population.  All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

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Girlfriends are categorized by similarity.  Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

"Goddess" is the woman of your dreams.  She comes equipped with all of the options you want and none of the ones you don't.  She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm.  No mental or physical hang-ups.  The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

¡Ah, caray!  Y yo que le estaba apuntando a esa misma... pero dicen que sale cara...

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

COMENTARIO: O sea, que lo más a lo que yo puedo aspirar en este momento no es a una "Goddess" sino a "Ms. Right"... ¡es que la economía últimamente está tan mala!

Created on July 8, 2007.  Last updated on August 5, 2007.  Modified on April 10, 2009.  © 2007–2009 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.