Agosto de 2007

Men's Point System
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 8 Aug 2007

MEN'S POINT SYSTEM

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this Merit/Demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies... Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes,and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something that she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow ...+8
But return with beer...-5
And no liners...-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron...+10
It's her cat...-40

AT THE PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-10
With breast implants...-18

HER BIRTHDAY:

You remember her birthday...0
You buy a card and flowers...0
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal...0
The pal is happily married...+1
The pal is single...-7
He drives a Ferrari...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called Death Cop III...-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable pot-belly...-15
You develop a noticeable pot-belly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable pot-belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800

THE "BIG" QUESTION:

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"...-100
Any other response...-20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying " well, what do you think I should do?"...-100
You have fallen asleep...-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:

You talk...-100
You don't talk...-150
You spend time with her...-200
You don't spend time with her...-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

COMENTARIO: OK, yo comoquiera saldría perdiendo...

Windows Vista Ebonics Edition
COLOCADO POR: curmudgeon
FECHA: 8 Aug 2007

NOTA: En esta versión he tenido que enmendar una palabra que en los Estados Unidos suena ofensiva. Les pido su indulgencia. — LDB.

WINDOWS VISTA EBONICS

A special Ebonics version of VISTA, Retitled: "Dis Be a Fresh Window" has been leaked to several white surburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users. There are numerous differences between VISTA and the Ebonics Version.

• When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a "phat getto track that melts 'em down with dope-ass bass."

• The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

• On the main screen, "My Computer" is now "Dis My Shit."

• The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet Explorer shortcut reads, "Tittie & Booty Sites."

• If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da Hood."

Users have their choice of three animated screen savers:

1. "Marquee," a lil 'G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen

2. "Mystify," 15-year old crack whore giving birth to 12 n***lets onscreen

3. "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds loaded with gangsters doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes:

Break Back In = Reentry Aww Shit
N***a = Error
Itz All Good = OK
4 Real Doe = Yes
Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
N***a, R U Crazy? = Are You Sure?
Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
Put A Cap In It = Delete
Games & Shit = Programs
Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials." The word-processing program greatly differs from the mainstream program.

SEVERAL FUNCTIONS ON THE TITLE BAR HAVE BEEN CHANGED:

Dat be Thang = File
I Be Seein' It = View
Put Sumpin In = Insert
Hook It Up = Format
Stuff I Ain't Need = Tools
Number Shit = Table
Break In = Window
What Da Fuck? = Help

NOTE: "Stuff I Ain't Need" does not include spelling or grammar check options. Also, the familiar "Autocorrect" has been replaced with "Keepin' It Real."

Posted via *Widers Vista* as created by Billy Bob Gates.

COMENTARIO: (!!!)

Sex Life Of An Electron
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Aug 2007

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, "MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO".

With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.

Later, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

COMENTARIO: Wow! A la verdad que esto es un romance electrizante...

After Heart Attack
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Aug 2007

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,

"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex... you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I would have such sex with you..."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him: "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad:

"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz"... Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, qué bonito! Así cualquiera... ¡hasta yo si (Dios no lo quiera) me ocurriera eso!

Stray Pussy
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 8 Aug 2007

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet.&nbspo; She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

COMENTARIO: Bueno, pudo haber sido peor. Imaginen que el esposo hubiera dejado overnight una motocicleta para que se la repararan...

Computers v. People
COLOCADO POR: Henry W. Farkas
FECHA: 6 Aug 2007

The Top 10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than People:

10. Computers make sense. People don't.

9. If you do the same operation the same way, with the same values, you'll get the same result every time. Try that with people.

8. You want to turn it on? Just flip a switch.

7. The switch is labeled.

6. You can get tech support. And the manufacturer's response rate and time is better than God's!

5. Bored? Computer slow and unresponsive? You can trade up, and it's cheaper than divorce.

4. It comes with an instruction manual. This is a very serious omission in humans.

3. It has a volume control. This is a very serious omission in babies. And teenagers. And spouses.

2. When it breaks, it's easy to fix, and spare parts are readily available.

And, the number one reason why computers are better than people?

1. When they really, really tick you off, you can unplug them...

...and it's perfectly legal!

Have a nice day.

COMENTARIO: Y lo mejor de todo es que ya yo sabía todo eso...

The Beatles meet modern programming
COLOCADO POR: no_one
FECHA: 13 Aug 2007

================================================

Songs to program by...

YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

ELEANOR RIGBY

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

UNIX MAN (NOWHERE MAN)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody...

Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

WRITE IN C ("LET IT BE")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

=========================

SOMETHING

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

COMENTARIO: Como decía el... molestoso... robot aquél de Lost in Space... "¡No es computable!"

Stories from the Emergency Room
COLOCADO POR: no_one
FECHA: 13 Aug 2007

Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.

• A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

• The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

• A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room:

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"

Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."

Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"

Patient: "No... Who?"

• A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

• A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "Well, I've been screwing the dog. Is that dangerous?"

• A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers, so: "I went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

COMENTARIO: No quiero darle ánimo a ninguno de estos pacientes, pero... ¡qué classe'e morones!

Witchdoctor
COLOCADO POR: Scatterling
FECHA: 11 Aug 2007

Way back in the days of the Mau Mau uprising in Kenya 1952–1956, a reporter was sent to get some stories from the British soldiers serving for publication in the newspapers back home. The keen young reporter went to the army camp and got an interview with the camp commander, a very helpful officer who told him "you don't really need to talk to me, let me bring in Sergeant Barnes; he's been in direct contact with the enemy".

Sergeant Barnes is called and a few minutes later there's heavy banging on the commanders door. The door crashes open to reveal Sgt. Barnes.

He's 6'4 and huge! His hair is long and matted, instead of hands he has hoofs and a large set of deer antlers growing out of his head...

"Ah Sergeant" the commander says. "This chap is here to write about your exploits so tell him a couple of your skirmishes".

Sergeant Barnes clicks to attention and proceeds to tell a couple of fairly mild stories.

The commanding officer gets a bit impatient and says, "No, no nooo Sergeant, tell him about that time you told the witchdoctor to go stick his totem pole up his arse."

COMENTARIO: ¡Gracias! Yo mejor paso sin escuchar...

Creating A Porn Flick
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 13 Aug 2007

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

COMENTARIO: Lo que no dice el chiste es que también entre el público estaba un jíbaro (campesino) que quería ver lo que hacían en la misma peliculita ésa con unos plátanos bien gruesos que él tenía cosechados en su finca...

Never Discount Wisdom!
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 22 Aug 2007

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (she was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."

She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

COMENTARIO: Yo creo que voy a tener que aprender a jugar golf... Quién sabe y me toca competir con una jugadora como ella... ;-)

A Woman's Poem
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 25 Aug 2007

He didn't like the casserole.
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

COMENTARIO:

Él trató de huir hacia la derecha,
Y trató de huir por la izquierda.
Mas cuando ella acabó con él,
Quedó hecho toda una ______.

Sure you don't want more?
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 24 Aug 2007

Joe said to Sue, "Hey Sue, I just heard that Bill has a rare illness and that he would die if he were not to get some mothers milk. I know it’s strange but his my best mate and I don’t want him to die. Since you have just given birth could you help him out".

Sue replies "I don’t know Joe would you be fine with such an arrangement."

Joe replies "since it will save his life and you will only have to do it once why not."

Sue: "Well if you really want me to."

Joe: "Thanks, Sue."

The next day Joe brings Bill home and gets Bill and sue into a room.

Bill starts to suck Sue’s milk full breast. After 15 minutes sue starts to get horny and asks Bill if you would desire anything else.

Bill: "No thanks, Sue, I am fine."

Another 15 mins and sue is really horny and repeats to Bill her offer again.

Bill: "No thanks, Sue, I am fine."

Ten minutes later sue has hit the roof, with a husky and demanding voice she says to Bill, "Are you sure you don’t want anything else, Bill?"

Bill: "Well, since you insist I could do with some cookies with the milk."

COMENTARIO: Me pregunto si entre los síntomas de la enfermedad de Bill está ser... esteeeeeeeeee... ¡un morón!

Truth in Advertising for Psychobabble Testimony
COLOCADO POR: Dave Bakken
FECHA: 23 Aug 2007 (originally appeared in first quarter, 1996)

From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader, with credits to the Western Journalism Center:

In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system:

The amendment said: "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competentcy hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.

"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competentcy, the baliff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."

The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46–14. Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation.

--

[Note - Reprinted by permission of the Manchester Union Leader and the Western Journalism Center. My thanks to them and to Dave Bakken for obtaining permission - ed]

COMENTARIO: La verdad es que yo no veo por qué es lamentable que un gobernador vete una medida como ésa. Además, que a alguien en la legislatura estatal de New Mexico se le ocurra esta... eeeeeeeeee... bazofia de proyecto, no dista mucho de lo que hacen en la Asamblea Legislativa de Puerto Rico. Es más, ¡pudo haber sido peor!

Anheuser Busch
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 31 Aug 2007

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, pero qué beeeeeeeeeestiaaaaaaaaaa!

Just a Squeeze of Lemon
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 31 Aug 2007

At a cocktail party, a man gets totally plastered, goes up to the host and says, "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?" in a slurred voice.

"I beg your pardon?" says the host.

The drunk asks again: "Do lemons have feathers?" as he struggles to hold his balance.

A rather bemused host says, "No, I don't think so."

The drunk looks sheepish then says: "Oopsie."

"What?" asks the host.

And the drunk: "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."

COMENTARIO: ¡Otro beeeeeeeeeestiaaaaaaaaaa!

Student vs. Professor
COLOCADO POR: tomkanpa
FECHA: 27 Aug 2007

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question."

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A" although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

COMENTARIO: De donde se sigue lógicamente que el susodicho estudiante agarró a su profesor de...