Junio de 2006

Turisteando
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 7 Jun 2006 08:36:41 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1149694601.036614.87810@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>

Un turista pasa por la Cámara de Diputados y oye que adentro gritan:

¡Ladrón!

¡Abusivo!

¡Aprovechado!

¡Traidor!

¡Farsante!

Y dice el turista al guía que iba con el:

- Hey, parece que están peleando.

Contesta el guía:

- No, sólo están pasando lista.

COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con... ¡olvídense!  Ustedes saben lo que quiero decir...

100 Dólares
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 6 Jun 2006 11:59:07 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1149620347.226003.196340@j55g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>

Cierto domingo por la mañana, un tipo entra al confesionario:

- "Padre, confieso que...  Mmmmm...  He robado"

- "Mal, muy mal, hijo!", le reprende el sacerdote.  "Como penitencia, además de rezar diez padrenuestros y quince avemarias, sin olvidar, claro, un credo, le daras 100 dolares a la primera persona que veas al salir de la iglesia".

- "Esta bien" contesta el arrepentido pecador.

Al salir de la iglesia, se encuentra a una chica:

- "Ten 100 dolares"

- "¡Son 150!" - exige la mujer.

- "No, no, son 100", se aferra el tipo.

- "¡Que no, son 150!", reclama la joven con una cara de molestia

Desesperado, el tipo explica:

- "Mira, el padre me dijo que eran 100"

- "Ah...  ¡Al padre si porque ya es cliente!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, qué bien!  Y yo quería que ella me hiciera un descuento...

Muy mexicano
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 10 Jun 2006 08:36:09 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1149953769.608127.233110@f6g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>

Sabes que eres mexicano , muy mexicano cuando...


1.. Te invitan a una boda a las 8:00, llegas a las 8:40 y nadie ha llegado aun.

2.. Crees que el jugo de limón cura todo.

3.. La comida sin chile no sabe a nada.

4.. Piensas que el Tequila cura la gripa y otras enfermedades.

5.. Llegas a la oficina a las 9:30, te vas a la 1:00, regresas a las 5:30,te retiras a las 7:00 y sientes que trabajaste terriblemente todo el día.

6.. Culpas de la contaminación al Popo.

7.. Culpas a un norte en Veracruz por la lluvia.

8.. Culpas del crimen a los pobres.

9.. Culpas del trafico a los ricos.

10.. Culpas al PRI por todo lo demás.

11.. Culpas a los "pinches gringos" por lo que sea.

12.. Tienes mas confianza en un ladrón que en un policía.

13.. Tienes mas confianza en un policía que en un juez.

14.. Tienes mas confianza en un juez que en el alcalde.

15.. Tienes mas confianza en un alcalde que en el presidente.

16.. La palabra "puente" significa un fin de semana de 5 días.

17.. En la mesa del restaurant hay mas bipers, celulares y radios que cubiertos.

18.. "Licenciado" es casi un nombre propio.

19.. Cuando ordenas unos tacos al pastor y tu cuate unas enchiladas, sabes que el mesero o las traerá equivocadas o pasara media hora para que te diga que no hay lo que le pediste.

20.. Haces "psssst" para llamar a un mesero sin importar en donde estés.

21.. Conoces el símbolo del internet (@) y lo llamas "arroba" pero no tienes ni la menor idea de que significa tal palabra.

22.. Cuando hablas ingles usas la muletilla "este...".

23.. Cuando viajas a USA, y en el hotel suena el teléfono, en vez de decir "hello?" dices "good?".

24.. Tienes un selecto grupo de amigos a los que nombras cariñosamente como animales: cabrón, cerdo, güey.

25.. Le dices al plomero, carpintero o electricista "maestro" o "güero" y sabes que ni terminaron la primaria ni están rubios.

26.. Cuando caminas por la calle y alguien te sonríe:
a) piensas que esta pedo.
b) estas seguro que te va a vender algo.
c) es un pinche gringo pendejo.
d) es un ladrón.
e) es puto.
f) todas las anteriores.

27.. Cuando sabes que si alguien te dice "a ver cuando nos vemos" es porque no tiene ni la menor intención de verte en su vida.

28.. Cuando tu le dices a alguien "yo te llamo" es para deshacerte de el (ella) y jamas pelarlo(a).

29.. "Mañana" significa:
a) no ahora
b) nunca
c) vete al carajo
d) me vale madre lo que tengo que hacer por ti y no lo voy a hacer ahora

30.. Llamar para reportarte enfermo los lunes es de buena educación.

31.. Tienes un billete de $50 atrás de tu licencia (vencida, por cierto).

32.. Si quieres que 500 gentes vayan a tu fiesta invitas a 100 y les dices que no lleven a nadie más porque es "exclusiva" y de cupo limitado.

33.. Si esperas a la vez que lleguen esas 500 gentes, preparas comida para 800.

34.. Llamas "joven" al mesero de 80 años y "viejo" al que tiene 25.

35.. Nunca te refieres a la madre de nadie como "su madre" sino como "su señora madre" o "su jefecita".

36.. Llamas a todos "hermano", "mano", "manito" pero a tu propio hermano le dices "pendejo".

37.. Las madres pueden ser despreciadas los 364 días del año, pero el 10 de Mayo es una santa a la que hay que visitar.

38.. Saludas a alguien mucho muy efusivamente y cuando se va, le mientas la madre o piensas en lo mal que te cae.

39.. Vas al super y te tragas todo lo que ves, te zampas todos los chescos que puedes y al final compras un resistol de $4.00 y pagas con moneditas de 10 centavos.

40.. Cuando te subes a un avión, camión o lo que sea, esperas el momento para llevarte:
a) la almohada
b) la cobijita
c) las revistas
d) las tortas
e) todas las anteriores

41.. Cuando haces un encargo a un pariente que viaja a USA, le das 20 dólares, pides camisa polo, tommy o armani, zapatos, calcetines, un cd de tu cantante gringo favorito y encima, quieres cambio.

42.. Te declaras en bancarrota cuando ves venir a alguien que sabes que te va a sablear lana.

43.. Odias comprar cigarros, pero te encanta fumar los de los demás.

44.. Piensas que el trago mas rico, la pizza mas sabrosa o los tacos mas apetitosos son los que te invitan o los que NO te cuestan.

45.. Tu frase de cabecera es el famosísimo dicho... "Si esta en barata, APROVECHA; si es gratis...AGANDALLA!

46.. Y sobre todo eres MUUUUY Mexicano si te sonreíste al leer los 45 puntos anteriores...!

COMENTARIO: Sí, pero... ¿no se han fijado cómo en algunas cosas, los mexicanos se parecen a los puertorriqueños?

Cartas con Antrax
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 17 Jun 2006 08:23:27 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1150557807.696372.275920@r2g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>

Ante la posibilidad de un ataque bacteriológico es muy importante estar informados.  He aquí una lista de posibles explicaciones:

Si recibiste un sobre de dudoso remitente y aspecto, con un polvito en su interior, lo importante es no desesperarse:

* Si el polvo esta del lado exterior del sobre y es negro o gris oscuro, es hora de que limpies la puerta de tu casa.

* Si al aspirarlo te da una calentura descomunal eso es yumbina.

* Si te lo pasas por el culo y te calma la picazón y la irritación, es talco.

* Si el sobre está vacío y todo el polvo blanco está en tus hombros, eso es caspa.

* Si lo hueles y al rato te crees Superman y te da por correr una maratón... ¡es cocaina!

* Si el polvito saca hasta las manchas más rebeldes, es probable que sea lavarropa.

* Si accidentalmente digeriste el polvito y descubriste que tiene sabor a veneno para ratas, quédate tranquilo, no es Antrax.

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  ¡Qué bien!  Yo estoy tranquilooooooooooo...

Último Deseo
COLOCADO POR: Feranando Perales Teurlais (Ferdy)
FECHA: 21 Jun 2006 09:51:12 +0100 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <e7atpo$q7a$1@nsnmrro2-gest.nuria.telefonica-data.net>

Hugo era un Atlante que tenía un gran amigo, Juan.

En un viaje que hiciera Hugo a su tierra natal, sufrió un infarto y murió.  Juan se entera y decide tomar un avión e ir al funeral de su amigo en Atlantilandia.

Al llegar al lugar donde estaban velando al muerto, Juan nota que junto al cajón se encuentra un tarro enorme lleno de crema facial y lo más curioso es que los dolientes, luego de darle el pésame a la madre de Hugo, introducían la mano dentro del pote y luego procedían a embarrar al difunto con la crema.

Juan, por respeto, decide hacer lo mismo, pero fue tanta su curiosidad que se acerca cuidadosamente a la madre del difunto, y en voz baja le pregunta:

- ¿Por qué los deudos le están untando crema a Hugo?  ¿Fue por alguna petición especial o es una tradición acá en su país?

La anciana le da una mirada de consternación y le contesta :

- ¿Ud. no sabía que Hugo pidió que lo CREMASEN...?

COMENTARIO: A todo esto, ¿le estaban poniendo cold cream?

Uno viejo de argentinos y brasileños
COLOCADO POR: Álvaro Palma Aste
FECHA: 26 Jun 2006 03:13:07 +0000 (25 Jun 2006 23:13:07 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <e7njc3$kto$1@localhost.localdomain>

Sí, ya sé que puede ser repetido, pero lo pillé entre mis cachureos de correo y me pareció chistoso.  Aquí va, enjoy:

Un agricultor argentino y uno brasilero charlan:

- ¿De que tamaño es tu finca o hacienda? - pregunta el argentino.

- ¡Para el estándar brasilero, mi finca es de un tamaño razonable!  Treinta hectáreas, ¿y la suya?

El argentino contesta:

- Y, mirá, con decirte que salgo a la mañana en mi jeep y al mediodía todavía ni recorrí la mitad de mi finca.

El brasilero, agrega:

- Sí, yo también tuve un jeep argentino, ¡son una mierda!

COMENTARIO: Otro para clasificar en la categoría que yo llamo afectuosamente, "Le Mataron el Pájaro en las Manos".

Man shoots pill into rectum with handgun
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 2 Jun 2006 14:23:35 -0500 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <769d8bb69ead9dc2d1bd733c16212ab8@localhost.talkaboutcomedy.com>

Columbus, Ohio (ANP) - Within minutes of firing the bullet, James Wakersfield knew something was wrong.  The projectile had lodged inside his stomach instead of where he originally intended.

Doctors at St. Mary's hospital performed twelve hours of emergency surgery to remove the suppository that had entered young James Wakersfield.

Asked for an explanation the hospital release the following statement.

"Mr. Wakersfield had tried to insert a suppository inside his rectum after several unsuccessful attempts used a small caliber handgun loaded with blanks.  Apparently, Mr. Wakersfield believed that using a .22 caliber would be okay.

"However, after regaining consciousness Mr. Wakersfield came to realize that he had mis-understood what he thought would happen."

His family doctor was quoted as saying "We are just grateful that he didn't try to use a bigger gun because that might have caused more reproductive injuries and possibly brain damage had the bullet lodged an inch closer," said Dr. Handsfull.

Several days after the incident, Mr. Wakersfield decided to retire from the police force.  He cited the need to find another occupation after fellow co-workers continued to chide him for the miss-fired event.

Family members continued to visit Mr. Wakersfield in the hospital, but would not comment on specifics.  However, a close friend and neighbor did report hearing strange a noise coming from the house moments before the near fatal shot was fired.

According to the National Center for Proactive Medicines, "This is not uncommon.  We've had to decide on a national policy to advise doctors in rural communities about using firearms to accelerate the purpose of most medicines.  We have seen an increase in this problem for the past two years."

Of the two hundred and two near anal fatalities last year, twenty-two were the result of firing medicine from a handgun into the rectum.  This number is expected to increase with the cost of Medicare and foreign imports of lesser drugs.

The President's counsel on alternate means for drug introduction continues to debate a need for national understanding and education.  After several exhaustive studies an independent commission was formed to pursue other approaches to the problem.  The Chairman, Kenneth Star, was quoted as saying "We will spare no expense to get at the truth to this problem.  Money is not an issue.  We believe in learning everything there is to know before issuing a report."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, por Dios!  Yo no puedo creer que haya gente como ésa...  Es más, si alguien viene a darme un consejo así... ¡le diré que se aplique la misma terapia!  PUNTO.

Seasick
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 2 Jun 2006 14:48:49 -0500 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <c8fd2928fdecfe7dfb9fb01156cc38d8@localhost.talkaboutcomedy.com>

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"  He thought it over and agreed.  He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.  Upon returning home, his wife said, "I've been thinking.  There's no reason we can't go for a month."  So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.  When he returned, his wife said, "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter.  The pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years.  I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

COMENTARIO: ¿No será que Mr. Johnson lo hace en un cama de agua?  Digo, yo me imagino que debe ser así...

Gonzalez
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 10 Jun 2006 20:14:14 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <448b60f9$0$32608$88260bb3@free.teranews.com>

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naïve.  On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro!  What is that?"

Pedro was a quick thinker.  "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these."  And then he proudly showed her what it was for.

Maria was happy.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend.  Since I had two, I gave him one.  So he is the only other man in the world with one."

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

"Maria?  Now what's wrong?"

"Dammit, Pedro.  You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ja!  Que Pedro no se ponga ahora con cara de... "¿Qué me habrá querido decir?"

 [...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 12 Jun 2006 07:40:53 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <27653299@spectrumdata.com>

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen.  There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green.  What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do.  Tonight there's no moon.  After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush.  In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck?  She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So-so," she answers.  "The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  Pues ya yo sé qué sembrar próximamente cuando organice mi huerto casero...

 [...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 16 Jun 2006 06:41:39 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <24099470@spectrumdata.com>

This couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife.  "I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"  Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

(Me imagino que entre ellas tendrá Medalla™...)

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...".  He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"?  She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...  I won't be long.  I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"  She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie?  SIT THE **** DOWN - DRINK YOUR ****IN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ****IN' MUG - EAT YOUR ****IN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE ****IN' BAR!!!  GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Total!  Que él no se queje después...

Babe...
COLOCADO POR: Buffoon
FECHA: 17 Jun 2006 17:42:59 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <DaXkg.24087$lQ.11131@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.  Walking up behind her, he says, "Hi there , good looking!  How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around to face him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen!  I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes on dirty as shit, clean and sweet, it just doesn't matter to me.  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college.  I just flat-ass LOVE IT!!!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding!  I'm a lawyer, too!  What firm are you with?"

COMENTARIO: Déjame ver si puedo conseguir el número de la chica para que ella me represente...

Nursery Tale
COLOCADO POR: Mark Conty
FECHA: 13 Jun 2006 19:20:02 -0800 +0100 (originally appeared in first quarter, 1995)
MESSAGE-ID: <S1801.7bd4@netfunny.com>

[Our priest told this one at last Sunday morning's mass.  I don't know what his source was, though...]

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?  Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"

"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied.  "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter.  "You may enter."  And in through the Gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied.  "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter.  "You, too, may enter."  And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."

"Whew!" said the nurse.  "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"

COMENTARIO: Y eso, que San Pedro no le dijo a esta enfermera que una estadía mayor de 3 días requería una pre-aprobación por parte del Plan...

Modern Times
COLOCADO POR: Jan Steinman
FECHA: 17 Jun 2006 7:20:01 -0800 +0100 (originally appeared in third quarter, 1988)
MESSAGE-ID: <S1804.4fa6@netfunny.com>

What's the difference between the 80's and the 50's?

In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."

COMENTARIO: Pues yo creo que las cosas no han cambiado mucho, desde los 1980s para acá...

The Perfect Date
COLOCADO POR: boriscatbobo[AT]yahoo.ca
FECHA: 19 Jun 2006 12:45:23 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <1150746323.352314.45710@u72g2000cwu.googlegroups.com>

The Woman's Perfect Date

He's tall, dark, handsome and successful.  He arrives promptly at six wearing a beautiful Armani suite.  He parks his luxury sports car, and rings the doorbell.  He hands her a bouquet of carefully chosen flowers from the most expensive florist in town.  The attached card is romantic and sweet.  He tells her how beautiful she looks and how happy he is to see her again.  He complements her exquisite taste in decorating and then mentions that their reservation is for 6:30, so perhaps they should go.

He opens the car door for her, and puts her favourite CD in the player.  They drive to the restaurant in his snazzy car, which has individual temperature controls, leather seats, and a lighted make-up mirror.

He parks at the nicest restaurant in town, and again opens her door.  The maitre'd (after complimenting her) shows them to the best table in the house.  Her date asks what she would like to drink, and after she indicates uncertainty, asks if she'd mind if he orders a rare wine vintage, with which they can toast her beauty.  After perusing the menu and making their choices, he urges her to order two of the lobster entrees, because, although she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he finds her a little on the thin side, and doesn't think she is eating enough.  They talk about her and her hopes and dreams all during dinner, where he is a perfect, understanding listener.  After a delicious dinner, he asks the waiter to bring her two desserts.

They then drive to the local theatre where they see a marvelous performance of her favourite play, starring one of her favourite actors.  Of course, the tickets are front row centre.  Since he knows the director, they go to a special cast party after the performance, where the hunky lead actor makes repeated passes at her.

After the party, they drive to a secluded spot in a local park, where they walk hand in hand and talk about her favourite subjects.  He is amazingly intelligent and insightful, with a wonderful sense of humour.  They go back to the car, he opens the trunk and spreads out a blanket, and unloads a cooler with strawberries, Dom Perignon and imported chocolates.  He insists she finish the whole box of chocolates.  After a few romantic kisses, her drives her home, takes her to the door, kisses her hand and tells her that he had a wonderful evening and hopes they can do it again in a few days.  He promises to call tomorrow morning (and does).

The Man's Perfect Date

She rings his doorbell.  He hollers "Come in!" as his team is about to score a touchdown.  She comes in.  She's tall, blonde and shapely, wearing a spandex mini-skirt, tight sweater and 5-inch stilettos.  She exclaims she so glad he has the game on, as she was afraid she'd have to miss it.  She asks if he'd mind if they just stay in instead of going out.  She runs back out to the car and brings in two cases of his favourite imported beer, along with a large sack full of his favourite snacks.  During a commercial she compliments him on his sweat pants and tells him he is the smartest, sexiest, best looking man she has ever met.  She watches the game quietly, speaking only to agree with him when he comments on a play.  She feeds him snacks and fetches beer when he is running low.  She ask if he'd mind if she gives him a shoulder rub, which she then does with enthusiasm.

Before he even realizes he's hungry, the doorbell rings.  It turns out she's ordered two giant pizzas with ten meaty toppings.  She pays for the pizza and brings it to him.  When the game is over, she tells him her boss at TSN just gave her season tickets (box seats) for all his favourite teams.  She says she'd rather he have them, as she's not sure she can make that many of the games, and it would be great if he had some friends he could take to the games, as she sees many of them as part of her job anyways.  She then asks if he'd like to come over to her place tomorrow night.  She has a group of stripper friends who need to practice a new number, and would like an audience to get some feedback.

After the pizza, she excuses herself for a moment, coming back dressed in sexy, black and red lace lingerie.  She asks which sexual activity he'd most prefer, which she immediately attends to.  She tells him she doesn't want to waste time with kissing and such, as she just wants to please him.  After he's had all he can take, she quietly goes to the kitchen, bringing him a couple slices of pizza and another beer.  She notices he looks a little sleepy so she tucks him in, saying she'll be on her way as soon as she changes the oil in his truck, which she checked on the way in and noticed was getting low.  She thanks him for a wonderful evening and tiptoes out.

COMENTARIO: ¡Caramba!  ¿Por qué será que yo NUNCA tengo la suerte de tener una cita tan perfecta como ésa, ah?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 19 Jun 2006 07:27:03 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <26823661@spectrumdata.com>

The following is from an actual 1950s home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.  Be a little gay and a little more interesting.  His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.  Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Don't complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

---------------------------------------------------------

Now the updated version for the 90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready.  Make reservations ahead of time.  If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time.  This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself.  A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth.  (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter.  Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children.  Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.  After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints.  Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.  Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold.  This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.  Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

COMENTARIO: Y todavía hay quien se queja de la alta tasa de divorcios de hoy en día...

Exposed
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 23 Jun 2006 22:36:40 -0500 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <6a7d86f59f3521c090571e80c88fd3bb@localhost.talkaboutcomedy.com>

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights.  You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed.  What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Air Sick
COLOCADO POR: Timantide
FECHA: 23 Jun 2006 22:39:39 -0500 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <7ba284208e1a6428d395a7dcbae83f46@localhost.talkaboutcomedy.com>

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.  A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him.  The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.  After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow.  He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Soft Boiled...
COLOCADO POR: Buffoon
FECHA: 28 Jun 2006 18:26:31 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <rRzog.60746$lQ.46618@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>

She was in the kitchen doing two minute soft boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

COMENTARIO: ¿Que qué?  ¿Así es como se hace ahora?  ¿Y qué hará ella cuando tenga que preparar el pavo para Acción de Gracias, o el lechón asa'o para Navidad?

Brokeback Mountain...
COLOCADO POR: Buffoon
FECHA: 28 Jun 2006 18:26:51 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <LRzog.60747$lQ.24242@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Brokeback Mountain...

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret—I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there!  Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little."

COMENTARIO: Que conste, yo he preferido no ver esa película ya que el tema de la misma (la implícita relación homosexual entre dos vaqueros de Montana) no me atrae.  Pero ¿ustedes se imaginan que Tonto se pusiera contentito si el Llanero Solitario le dijera la frase #5?  ¿O que el Alguacil Dillon le diera a un forajido la orden en el #7 y este... eeeee... accediera?  Menos mal que esas cosas no sucedían en aquellos tiempos... ¿o sí?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 30 Jun 2006 13:30:07 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <48607051@spectrumdata.com>

Bill Clinton Jokes

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.  "What is it,?" the President asks.  "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President.  What do you want to do about it,?" the aide asks.  "Oh," Clinton responds, "Just go ahead and pay it."

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle, and Newt Gingrich get caught in a twister and end up in Oz.  When the dust settles and they realize where they are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the wizard and ask for a brain."  Newt says, "And I am going to ask for a heart."  Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?!"

COMENTARIO: Lamentablemente, esta es una muestra de que CUALQUIERA puede llegar bien alto en la vida, hasta gente como él...

Thanks for the Subliminals <Pepsi>
COLOCADO POR: David Paulsen
FECHA: 27 Jun 2006 19:20:02 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S180f.cba@netfunny.com>

[Ed: Picked this up from rec.arts.movies, where a discussion of subliminal ads in movies ensues.]

I would like to thank all of the folks who emailed me about the "subliminal" Pepsi ads in 'Top Gun'.  As was pointed out more than once, here and in mail, the advertisements aren't really subliminal if you can perceive them conciously.  <drink Pepsi> I know what "subliminal" means <drink Pepsi> as opposed to superliminal, or ultraliminal, or megaliminal, or liminal, or whatever the correct phraseology is.  <you love Pepsi> This kind of advertisement, though, while not totally invisible <drink Pepsi> is still real hard to see...  I've seen Top Gun a total of six times now, and never noticed the Pepsi tray until my sixth time, on cable.  After running the tape back thru again, I could tell that the Pepsi <drink drink drink Pepsi> logo was really there—not just a red-white-and-blue <Pepsi> smear.

Perhaps we need a new phrase for this half-overt advertising <bathe in Pepsi>.  I propose the term "mood-advertising," or perhaps "musak-vertising"... something which while there, you have to concentrate to perceive <Pepsi sex>.  Once we put a name to this dread disease, we can set about finding a cure.

Gosh, I'm thirsty.

COMENTARIO: ¿Tú nada más eres el que está sediento?

Created on June 4, 2006.  Updated on July 2, 2006.  © 2006 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.