Julio de 2006

hola que tal
COLOCADO POR: NURIA
FECHA: 5 Jul 2006 09:44:31 +0100 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <e8fqi5$8ei$1@nsnmpen3-gest.nuria.telefonica-data.net>


En una carniceria han puesto un cuadro de decoracion que dice: hace un dia estupendo, pero seguro que viene alguien y lo estropea.

COMENTARIO: Pues no hay que ir muy lejos.  Me comentan que en una pequeña barra o cantina en una de esas calles estrechas del Viejo San Juan, tienen un letrero parecido: "Éste es un día maravilloso... ¡a que ahora viene uno y lo jode!"

OVNIs
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 4 Jul 2006 08:56:34 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1152028592.878028.140760@h44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


Varios platillos voladores (OVNIS) descendieron simultaneamente en diversos países de la Tierra.

En Japón el OVNI fue rodeado por una nube de técnicos que analizaron en un dos por tres el ovni y copiaron hasta los últimos detalles de la nave para reproducirla a menor costo.

En Estados Unidos el OVNI fue rodeado por una nube de agentes de publicidad que ansiosamente presentaron a los visitantes extraterrestres contratos para anunciar productos.

En Rusia el OVNI fue rodeado por una nube de soldados, policías y empleados de la ex-KGB que acusaron de espías a los marcianos y los internaron en manicomios y campos de concentración.

Y en México el OVNI fue rodeado por una nube de individuos que gritaban a voz en cuello:

- ¡Jefe...!  ¿Se lo cuido?  ¿Se lo limpio?

COMENTARIO: ¡NO!  Y qué tal si el OVNI hubiese aterrizado en Barrio Obrero... o en La Perla... o en el residencial público Lloréns Torres...

El Mayor Brown
COLOCADO POR: YiCi en Jotmeil
FECHA: 11 Jul 2006 16:37:13 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <Xns97FD7FB7260F8YiCi@200.27.3.23>


Primer día de clases en la Academia West Point.  El curso está en espera del profesor de Doctrina Militar.

En eso llega un Oficial y se presenta:

"Hola, soy el Mayor del Ejercito de los Estados Unidos de America, BROWN , Bi-Ar-Ou-Dobliyu-En, Brown, Dos metros cuatro centrimetros, 120 kg de peso, biceps de 78 centimetros".

Tras esa autodescripción, procede a comenzar su materia.

La presentación del Mayor Brown era todos los dias la misma, "Hola, soy el Mayor BROWN del Ejercito de los Estados Unidos de America, Bi-Ar-Ou-Dobliyu-En, Brown, Dos metros cuatro centrimetros, 120 kg de peso, biceps de 78 centimetros".

En una ocasión, al finalizar su presentación, se siente una risa al final de la sala y el Mayor Brown se da una vuelta y divisa a un alumno que se rie, ante lo cual le señala: "Usted ¿quien es? y ¿de que se rie?" ante lo cual se para un negrito bajito y regordete y con voz de pito dice:

"Hola, Soy el subteniente Juan Franciso de Dios Martinez de Zapata y Melosilla, oficial del ejercito de los Estados Unidos de Mejíco, mido un metro y cincuenta y siete centimetros, peso 78 kilos, no tengo idea cuanto mide mi biceps ni se donde lo tengo, soy negro de pies a cabeza y lo único de otro color que tengo es el hoyo del culo, el que es de color brown, bi-ar-ou-dobliyu-en, brown"

COMENTARIO: ¡Hace tiempo que yo no veía este chiste!  Eso sí, conozco la versión contada por Guillermo Álvarez-Guedes en uno de sus libros, que ubica la acción del chiste en un bar del Bronx (NY), a Mr. Brown... "BE-ERRE-O-DOBLE_U-ENE, Brown"... como un irlandés que se jacta de ser "rubio, desde la punta del pelo hasta el dedo gordo del pie", y a nuestro héroe como un humilde emigrado del Sector Villa Palmeras en Santurce (un barrio de San Juan, para quienes leen esto en América Latina)... ¡que igual que aquí se sale con la suya!

Leperos esmeriles
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 14 Jul 2006 08:58:28 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1152892708.072098.245490@i42g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


PAREJA DE LÉPEROS VA AL MEDICO

Habla el Marido:

"Mire dostor, es que tenemos un poblema, es que mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, y como durante años practicamos el corpore insepulto ya no sabemos si es que soy omnipotente o mi mujer es histérica.  Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer tenia la vajilla rota y la emperatriz subida, y, como además, la operaron de la basilica balear, no sabemos si eso puede influir, y también a mi hace años me operaron de la protesta y a lo mejor me han dejado escuelas en el cuerpo.

Nos recomendaron ir a un medico de Boston, que era muy bueno, y mire, en cuanto entramos en la consulta había allí dos ordenadores conestados a una antena paranoica.  En cuanto entramos, a mi mujer le hicieron una coreografía el medico nos dijo que no veía nada raro.  Entonces nos recomendó que hiciéramos el cojito, y, 15 días ella y 15 días yo haciendo el cojito, pero, nada.  Nos volvimos para aquí y otro dostor nos recomendó hacer vida marítima y nos fuimos de Vigo a Bilbao y en todas las playas hacíamos vida marítima, pero nada.  Además, mi mujer hace tiempo tuvo un alboroto y le nació el féretro muerto, y, a lo mejor eso ha influido.  Pero yo creo que mi mujer es frigorífica, porque nunca llega al orégano."

Y contesta el ginecólogo:

"Me parece que usted lo que tiene es un problema de especulación atroz".

COMENTARIO: ¿Y a gente como ésa la dejan tener vida material... ¡perdón!... marital?

Vaya con las azafatas
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 19 Jul 2006 08:30:32 +0200
MESSAGE-ID: <e9kji7$bu$1@nsnmpen3-gest.nuria.telefonica-data.net>


PRIMERA: Le dice un cliente a una azafata, después de una discusión, que le está resultando una persona muy desagradable.  Y le contesta la tía: "Sin embargo, usted a mí me parece una bellísima persona, pero podemos estar los dos equivocados."

SEGUNDA: Después de un pollo monumental por overbooking, le dice el cliente a una azafata de mostrador: "Señorita, ¡no sabe usted con quién está hablando!"  Se vuelve la tía a su compañera y le dice: "Mira, otro gilipollas que no sabe ni cómo se llama!"

TERCERA: Macho ibérico haciéndose el gallito con la azafata delante de los amigotes: "Señorita, por el precio que he pagado por este billete, ¿puedo tocarle el culo?"  Ella, muy digna y sin inmutarse, le dice: "Déjeme que lo vea."  Y empieza a mirar el billete hoja por hoja.  Cuando acaba le dice: "Pues no, pero por este precio tiene derecho a que le dé por culo el comandante."

CUARTA (yo creo que la mejor): "¡Señorita, este vino sabe a polla!" "Es imposible, señor, en Iberia sólo servimos vinos de excelente calidad.  Debe ser que le está repitiendo algo que haya comido antes."

COMENTARIO: ¿Por qué será que hay gente que se pone así con las azafatas?

Esos días
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 23 Jul 2006 11:03:12 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1153677792.546959.242540@75g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>


El hombre, infeliz criatura, sabe muy bien que existen días del mes en que basta abrir la boca para quedar con la vida pendiente de un hilo y para que un lindo día, sea transformado en uno de los días más miserables de su existencia.

Por eso va esta guía que conviene memorizar para nuestra propia seguridad:

Homicidio seguro: Tu comida sabe horrible.  Tiene gusto de mierda.
Peligroso: ¿Qué hiciste de comer?
Seguro: ¿Te puedo ayudar en la cocina?
Segurísimo: ¿Dónde quieres ir a comer?
Infalible: Anda, cómete este chocolate.

Homicidio seguro: Pareces una mendiga con ese vestido.
Peligroso: ¿Te vas a poner ESO?
Seguro: Vaya, te queda bien el color café.
Segurísimo: ¡Fiu fiu! que linda... ¡sabrosa!.
Infalible: Anda, cómete este chocolate.

Homicidio seguro: Eres una histérica insoportable.
Peligroso: ¿Por qué estás nerviosa?
Seguro: ¿No crees que exageras?
Segurísimo: Toma 100 patacones y cómprate algo.
Infalible: Anda, cómete este chocolate.

Homicidio seguro: Estás engordando como vaca.
Peligroso: ¿Crees que debas comerte eso?
Seguro: Eso tiene mucha harina.
Segurísimo: ¿Quieres una copita de tinto para acompañarlo?
Infalible: Anda, cómete este chocolate.

Homicidio seguro: ¿Ama de casa?  Jaja, eres una holgazana que no hace nada.
Peligroso: ¿Qué hiciste en todo el día?
Seguro: Espero que no hayas trabajado mucho hoy.
Segurísimo: Me encanta cuando usas esa bata.
Infalible: Come mas de este chocolate.

COMENTARIO: Yo mejor conservo mi vida y no hago más comentarios al respecto...

Moraleja médica
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 31 Jul 2006 11:23:12 +0100 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <eaki66$20d$1@nsnmrro2-gest.nuria.telefonica-data.net>


Un muchacho se gradúa de médico y el padre le regala un auto.  Para estrenarlo se va solo a recorrer el norte del país.  Llega a un pueblo y va a la estación de servicio a cargar combustible.  La estación estaba vacía y nadie lo atendía.  Toca la bocina y aparece un muchachito y le dice:

- Señor no lo va a atender nadie, se murió la hija del patrón y están todos en el velatorio.

El muchacho piensa ¿y ahora qué hago?  Entonces, como no podía seguir, se va al velatorio.  Se acerca al ataúd y ve algo raro.  Llama al padre de la muerta y le dice:

- Yo soy médico y esta mujer no está muerta, está en un estado catatónico.  ¿Tiene novio la chica?

- Si. -dice el padre-.

Entonces el joven doctor dice: - Bueno, que lleven el cuerpo a una habitación y el novio le haga el amor.

- ¿En serio doctor?

- Sí, llévenla a la habitación y que el novio le haga el amor.

El novio se lleva a la semimuerta a la habitación, le hace el amor durante una noche y la joven resucita.  La chica volvió en sí muy animada.  Todos festejan, cargan con gasolina el auto del doctor y éste sigue de viaje.  A la vuelta del viaje después de varios días paseando por el norte, el médico decide pasar por el pueblo a ver como estaba la chica, a saludar a la simpática gente y cargar gasolina.  Va a la estación de servicio y toca la bocina, y no había nadie.  Aparece el mismo muchachito de la vez anterior y le dice:

- Doctor, menos mal que volvió, hace una semana se murió el abuelo Don Zoilo, ya le ha dado por culo medio pueblo y todavía no lo pueden resucitar.

Moraleja: La misma medicina no sirve igual a todos.  Y sobre todo... ¡¡¡No te automediques!!!

COMENTARIO: Gracias, pero... ¡¡¡NO, GRACIAS!!!

Standing Alone...
COLOCADO POR: Buffoon
FECHA: 5 Jul 2006 21:37:33 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <xiWqg.18198$v4.4071@newsfe3-win.ntli.net>


Posh Spice decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counselor.  One day during break time she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end.

Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was OK, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game.  The boy said he was fine.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game.  Approaching again, Victoria said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"  The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"  "Because...," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f***ing goalkeeper—now get lost!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Adió'!  ¿No y que la señora Beckham sabía "alguito" de balompié?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 4 Jul 2006 11:38:37 -0400 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <41917325@spectrumdata.com>


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.  Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.  I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.  I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.  I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and shout, "Guess who's horny!"......  And she acts like she is asleep every time."

COMENTARIO: ¿No será que ella se hace la dormida por OTRA razón?

The Swedish Mortician
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 11 Jul 2006 21:53:36 -0800 +0100 (12 Jul 2006 00:53:35 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <6q06b29sur1utq784ep780575nes6pfnp9@4ax.com>


A man who just died is delivered to a Swedish mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.  Sven, the mortician, asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.  He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.  The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.  She gives Sven a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing.  She is pleased to find her husband dressed in a handsome blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Sven, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.  You did an excellent job and I'm grateful.  How much did you spend?"  To her astonishment, Sven presents her with the blank check.  "Dere's no charge," he says.  "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit," she insists.

"Honestly, ma'am," Sven says, "it didn't cost me a ting.  You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size vas brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he vas vearing an attractive blue suit.  I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference to her as long as he looked nice.

"So I yust switched dere heads."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, ah!  Cuando me toque ese momento... ¡cualquier funeraria que no sea ésta!  ¿OK?

Two Guys at Home Depot Looking for Their Wives
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 11 Jul 2006 21:53:36 -0800 +0100 (12 Jul 2006 00:53:35 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <9m06b2d9udar9o0sqk6sid8a5ih3p5cbfk@4ax.com>


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK.  It's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

"What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter—let's look for yours."

COMENTARIO: Si me disculpan por unos minutos, yo voy a unirme de voluntario en la búsqueda...

Fighting...
COLOCADO POR: Buffoon
FECHA: 14 Jul 2006 14:27:43 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <zRNtg.1793$v02.1158@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net>


A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.  He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."

Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.  After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."  The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 11 Jul 2006 11:02:52 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <39772099@spectrumdata.com>


A newly married sailor is stationed a remote island in the Pacific for a year.  A few weeks after he arrives he writes to his wife: "My love, we are going to be apart for a very long time.  Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.  Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls.  Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

A week later he gets a package from his wife.  In it is a harmonica and a note that reads, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

At the end of the year, the sailor rushes back to his wife.

"Darling," he says, "I can't wait to make passionate love with you."

"First," she says, "let me hear you play that harmonica."

Horse Virus?
COLOCADO POR: Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)
FECHA: 11 Jul 2006 7:20:01 -0800 +0100 (originally appeared in Apr, 1999)
MESSAGE-ID: <S181c.62a3@netfunny.com>



-----Original Message-----
>TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
>RE: WARNING!!  BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra—it looks legit.  Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon

>WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!
>
>IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
>DOWNLOAD IT!!!!  It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
>ENTIRE CITY!
>
>The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
>
>It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
>
>DO NOT let it through the gates!  It contains hardware that is
>incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed
>Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill
>your women and children.  If you have already received such a gift, DO
>NOT OPEN IT!  Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by
>the beach.
>
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
>Poseidon

>
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
>TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
>RE: Greeks bearing gifts
>
>Laocoon,
>
>I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
>I've seen variants on this warning come through on other
>listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill
>the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the
>"Midas Touch."  Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
>
>1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" junk.  If it were
>really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post
>it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
>
>2) Use of exclamation points.  Always a giveaway.
>
>3) It's signed "from Poseidon."  Granted he's had his problems with
>Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he?  Besides, the lack of a
>real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
>
>4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
>entire city.  A horse is just an animal, after all.
>
>Next time you get a message like this, just delete it.  I appreciate your
>concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll
>realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
>
>Bye now,
>Hector


COMENTARIO: O sea, que esto de los trojans (¡que no son los que ustedes se imaginan!) es "más viejo que el frío"...

A State Trooper
COLOCADO POR: Stipo
FECHA: 18 Jul 2006 21:38:16 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <44bd8dd0$0$19660$88260bb3@free.teranews.com>


Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching he car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand.  I was going the exact speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"  The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?  "These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route 127."

COMENTARIO: ¡No en balde!  Ahora imaginemos que estas señoras hubieran salido de San Juan a Caguas por la PR-1 (¿no les hubiera sido mejor irse por la autopista de peaje PR-52?), para luego seguir hacia Humacao por la PR-30, bajar a la PR-3 para seguir a Yabucoa... y entonces seguir hacia Maunabo, no por "la cuesta 'e La Piquiña" de la PR-3 (¡así no llegan nunca!)... ¡sino por la PR-901!

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 16 Jul 2006 09:40:24 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <34824593@spectrumdata.com>


A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office.  After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual.  The guy admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled.  "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take me a day or two."

COMENTARIO: ¡No quiero ni imaginarme cómo él (¿él?) lo haría!

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 19 Jul 2006 07:45:42 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <27942924@spectrumdata.com>


I was embarrassed by the excessive length sticking out.  At the beach, women would stare and snicker as it dangled from side to side as I walked.  Men would avert their gaze to avoid eye contact.  In public restrooms I even worried that it might touch the floor by accident.

Finally I tied it in a knot and cut the excess off.

I don't know why sneaker manufacturers insist on using shoelaces that extend so far beyond the top eyelet.

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  ¿Él se refería a las cintas (cabetes, gabetes... whatever!) de sus zapatillas?  Y ustedes, ¿qué pensaban, ah?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 20 Jul 2006 09:06:33 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <32792316@spectrumdata.com>


Computers and Electronics as Depicted in Movies

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.  Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected.  You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.  Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.  The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface.  Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.  Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into.  All application software is usable by all computer platforms.  The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens).  However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

COMENTARIO: ¡'chachooooo!  ¡Así es que yo quiero mi próxima computadora!  ¿Y dónde la consigo?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 20 Jul 2006 09:06:50 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <32810069@spectrumdata.com>


Sign by a urinal:

"The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal, also puts the ice in your drinks."

COMENTARIO: OK, ya yo lo sé para la próxima vez que yo me vaya de juerga... ¡si hay una próxima vez!

Kentucky Fried Commercial
COLOCADO POR: Marc Sabatella
FECHA: 21 Jul 2006 19:20:01 -0800 +0100 (originally appeared in second quarter, 1993)
MESSAGE-ID: <S1827.33a1@netfunny.com>


Recently the fast food chain "Kentucky Fried Chicken" has been running advertisements for their new buffet.  In the television commercial, various store personnel sing the praises of the buffet.  They are not particularly good singers, and the song is rather pathetic.  The whole thing appears to have been done in jest.  This commercial is generally recognized (i.e., by a few of my friends and I) as one of the dumbest in recent memory.

It seems that the local KFC franchise recognizes this as well.  Yesterday the sign outside the the store read (I am NOT making this up):

"Try Our New Buffet...
Or We'll Run The Commercial Again"

COMENTARIO: Tal vez si algo así sucediera en el mundo post-9/11 de hoy (y no en 1993, como dice en la fecha), esto pasaría como una amenaza terrorista...

Top Ten Signs The Middle-East News Reporter You Are Watching Has No Clue
COLOCADO POR: isaac[AT]bangitout.com
FECHA: 28 Jul 2006 09:00:34 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <1154102434.481337.193880@i42g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


Top Ten Signs The Middle-East News Reporter you are watching has no clue:

10. He's reporting from Lebanon, Pennsylvania

9. Keeps confusing Al Aqsa with Al Bundy

8. Calls Hezbollah "freedom fighters"

7. Thought the MidEast was just a tough college basketball conference

6. Starts interview with insane Syrian ambassador: "For the record, I loved Syriana"

5. Signature sign off: "Stay Classy, Osama"

4. Wears a shaitel, full modest dress in order to "fit in" when interviewing Israelis on Tel Aviv beach

3. Concludes Israeli bomb shelter report with, "No sign of Baby Suri here, Bob"

2. He's wearing a "Bull-Shiite" t-shirt

1. Sees a clear difference between Hezbollah & Al Quaeda

COMENTARIO: Menos mal que esas cosas NUNCA suceden con nuestros reporteros de televisión...  Más bien pasan cosas peores, como cuando un reportero dijo al aire... "Afortunadamente, nadie salió ileso en este incendio..." (¡!)

After 25 Years of Marriage
COLOCADO POR: Herby Hönigsperger
FECHA: 24 Jul 2006 19:30:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S182a.3b8e@netfunny.com>


Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.  Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

COMENTARIO: ¿Pero qué más quiere este individuo?  Es más, yo creo que para esto hay una excelente frase en inglés: If you don't get what you choose... choose what you get!  Así que CONFÓRMATE, pai'...

Answer to Question on Nudism
COLOCADO POR: Alan Filipski
FECHA: 27 Jul 2006 19:20:02 -0800 +0100 (originally appeared in first quarter, 1989)
MESSAGE-ID: <S182d.6abe@netfunny.com>


COMENTARIO: A continuación, presentamos lo que sigue como un servicio público a la comunidad.

In article <27164@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU> amorando[AT]euler.berkeley.edu (David Ashley) writes:

I would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot.

What if you are a guy and you get a hard on.  Do you try and cover it up (don't ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it?  Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control?


This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities.  In practice, it is nothing to worry about.  What usually happens is something like this:

You get an erection, somebody notices, points at you and yells, "Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy" or, "Look at that guy trying to hide his hard-on".  Then everyone gathers around, pointing and laughing.  If you try to run away, they all follow you.  People start taking pictures.  Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of you.  After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to always go limp when you see a naked body.

No problem. -- Alan Filipski, Phoenix, Arizona

COMENTARIO: OK, yo creo que ESO lo aclara...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 31 Jul 2006 06:52:33 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <24753277@spectrumdata.com>


A man went fishing one day.  He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.  Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake.  He looked around the boat, but he had no food.  All he had was a bottle of bourbon.  So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.  With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

COMENTARIO: ¡Adió' cará'!  Y eso, que el pescador le estaba haciendo un favor a la dichosa serpiente...

Created on July 9, 2006.  Last update on August 6, 2006.  © 2006 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.