Enero de 2006

OK, ya acabamos con el lechón asa'o, los pasteles y el coquito en Navidades... le dijimos Bye-bye al 2005 y Hellooooo al 2006... le dejamos la yerba a los camellos de los Tres Reyes Magos pa' que trajeran regalos... y todo esto... ¡para volver OTRA VEZ a la misma...!

Un amigo es un amigo
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 4 Jan 2006

-Mi amigo no ha regresado del campo de batalla, señor.  Solicito permiso para ir a buscarlo - dijo un soldado a su teniente.

- Permiso denegado - replicó el oficial. - No quiero que arriesgue usted su vida por un hombre que probablemente ha muerto.

Haciendo caso omiso de la prohibición, el soldado salió, y una hora mas tarde regreso mortalmente herido, transportando el cadáver de su amigo.

El oficial estaba furioso:

- ¡¡¡Ya le dije yo que había muerto!!!  Dígame.....  ¿Merecía la pena ir allí para traer un cadáver?

Y el soldado moribundo respondió:

- ¡Claro que si, señor!  Cuando lo encontré, todavía estaba vivo y pudo decirme: "¡Estaba seguro que vendrías!"

UN AMIGO ES AQUEL QUE SE QUEDA CUANDO TODO EL MUNDO SE HA IDO.


NUEVA VERSION... A LA MEXICANA

- Mi amigo Tomas no ha regresado del antro, señor.  Solicito permiso para ir a buscarlo - dijo Pascual a su Gerente.

- Permiso denegado- replico el Gerente.  - No quiero que arriesgue usted su premio de puntualidad ($200.00 por 15 años) por un hombre que probablemente tiene su finiquito firmado.

El Pato, haciendo caso omiso de la prohibición, salió con un pase autofirmado, y unas horas mas tarde (18:55 hrs) regreso con botana esparcida por todo su cuerpo, transportando el cuerpo inconsciente de su amigo que venia hasta atrás por haber aprovechado la Hora Feliz (2x1).

El Gerente estaba furioso:

- ¡¡¡No le dije yo que él tenia su finiquito firmado!!!  Dígame, ¿merecía la pena ir allá para traer un ebrio sin cura?

Y el Pato, pedo todavía, respondió:

- Claro que si, señor! Cuando lo encontré, todavía había 2 x 1 y pudo decirme:

- "¡Estaba seguro que vendrías!...  ¡¡¡ERES IGUAL DE PEDOTE QUE YO !!!"

Envía esta carta a todos aquellos que consideras tus AMIGOS, los más briagos, aun si esto signifique regresarla quien te la envío o en su defecto autoenviatela (OBVIO).  Y si tu carta regresa,sabrás que tienes un circulo de amigos incondicionales de Lunes a Domingo para ir a la taberna,cantina, antro, table, etc..

COMENTARIO: OK, un amigo es un amigo, pero... ¡por la gallina siguen siendo 3 pesos!

Hipocondríaco
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 9 Jan 2006

Un hipocondríaco va al médico y le pregunta:

- Doctor, mi mujer me traicionó hace una semana y aún no me han salido los cuernos.  ¿Será falta de calcio?

COMENTARIO: "Falta de calcio"...  ¿Ahora lo llaman así?  A la verdad que no es por alabarlo, pero qué clase de ma... ¡uy, perdón!... qué ingenuo es este individuo...  ¿Qué tal si él se hace revisar los dolores de cabeza que le deben estar dando, ah?

Roles cambiados
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 17 Jan 2006

 En un matrimonio, el hombre se quejaba ante su mujer de como Dios debía ser más equitativo en los roles adjudicados a la pareja.

-Dios mío ten compasión de mí, mira como trabajo tanto, en cambio mi mujer tan tranquila en la casa.  Yo daría cualquier cosa para que hicieras un milagro y convirtieras a mi mujer en mi, y yo en mi mujer, para que ella aprenda como es la vida de un hombre...

Dios en su misericordia "¡Cuás!"  Le concedió el milagro.  El primer día en la mañana, corre a levantar los muchachos para que se alisten, a la vez que en la cocina estaba preparando el desayuno para todos, con las que hizo las loncheras, no sin antes haber colocado una ropa en la lavadora y sacar de la nevera lo del almuerzo.  Por un lado terminó esta tarea y se embarcó en el carro a llevarlos al colegio, de regreso pasó por la gasolineria para surtir de gasolina al carro e ir al Banco a cambiarle un cheque al marido.

Al salir de allí pudo notar que las horas habían transcurrido a velocidad luz, por lo que corrió velozmente de nuevo a recoger los hijos al colegio; con la misma llegó a la casa para preparar el almuerzo, apurada para cuando llegaran todos no encontraran retrazo en el mismo, después de eso, tuvo que lavar los platos y tender la ropa antes de ir a pagar la luz, el agua y el teléfono donde encontró colas a morir lo que le hizo regresar a las 6.30.  Quiso relajarse un poco viendo TV, pero... había que preparar la cena y planchar una ropita que estaba pendiente y ayudar a los muchachos con la tarea de la escuela.

Por fin llegó la hora del descanso y a dormir, cosa que no pudo lograr tan rapidamente por que allí estaba el marido esperándola para que cumpliera también con sus deberes de mujer en la cama.

Al día siguiente volvió a clamar a Dios...

-Dios mío, realmente esto es agotador, te ruego me devuelvas a mi condición normal, por favor...

A lo que Dios contestó amorosamente:

-Claro que si hijo mío, pero tendras que esperar 9 meses porque anoche quedaste embarazado...

COMENTARIO: ¡EA RAYO!  Otro ejemplo de lo correcto de la frase, "ten mucho cuidado con lo que pides...".

El Bebé
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 27 Jan 2006

Esta era una niñera que regresa de un paseo en el parque con el bebé, cuando llega a la casa la madre sorprendida ve que la niñera trae a otro bebé y angustiada le pregunta:

"¿Qué sucedió?  ¿Por qué no trae a mi hijo y trae a este niño?"

Y la niñera contesta:

"Señora usted me ha dicho, si el bebé se ensucia lo cambia."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ay, pero qué niñera más bestia!

Nombres Artísticos
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 24 Jan 2006

Ingles - Castellano
ROBERTO PALMERA: Robert Palmer
NICOLAS JAULA: Nicholas Cage
SANTIAGO DECANO: James Dean
FRANCISCO IMPROVISA: Frank Zappa
ROBERTO PLANTA: Robert Plant
JAIMITO PAGINA: Jimmy Page
MIGUEL ATORNILLADO: Michael Bolton
PABLO HOMBRE NUEVO: Paul Newman
JAIME LAATA: James Caan
MARCOS JAMON ENFERMO: Mark Hamill
ANDRES VERANOS: Andy Summers
JEREMIAS PLANCHAS: Jeremy Irons
RONALDO MADERA: Ron Wood
JUAN SASTRE: John Taylor
ALFREDITO MERCURIO: Freddy Mercury
CRISTOBAL CRUZ: Christopher Cross
BRUNO GUILLERMITOS: Bruce Willis
JUANA RESTORAN DE POCA MONTA: Jane Fonda
OLIVERIO PIEDRA: Oliver Stone
MIGUEL J. ZORRO: Michael J. Fox
JUAN LIMON: Jack Lemmon
EUGENIO MAS SALVAJE: Gene Wilder
JUAN BUEN HOMBRE: John Goodman
GUILLERMO LASTIMADO: William Hurt
ESTEBAN MARAVILLA: Stevie Wonder
PEDRO VENDEDORES: Peter Sellers
VICENTE PRECIO: Vincent Price
TIMOTEO TONELADA DE CABAÑA: Timothy Hutton
GUILLE CAZADOR: Bill Hunter
VANESA TUMBA ROJA: Vanessa Redgrave
MIGUEL JAMON GANADOR: Michael winningham
MARICON "K" DEL ESPACIO: Sissy Spacek
CATALINA CARNADAS: Kathy Bates
JORGE SE QUEMA: George Burns
DIONISO SALTADOR: Dennis Hopper
JAIME MARRON: James Brown
CARLITOS VATIOS: Charlie Watts
JUAN LLORON: John Cryer
CARLOS CLIMAS: Carl Weathers
VICTORIA DELETREANDO: Tory Spelling
SALON Y AVENAS: Hall & Oates
DANIEL GUANTERO: Danny Glover
JUAN SALVAJE: John Savage
MIA FILA LEJOS: Mia Farrow
ESTEBAN MARRONEANDO: Stephen Browning
LUIS BRAZO FUERTE: Louis Armstrong
NICOLINA HOMBRE NIÑO: Nicole Kidman
ALFREDO SAY WAVE TO ME: Al Dimeola
ESTEBAN ESTEBANES: Steve Stevens
GUILLERMITO IDOLO: Billy Idol
ANTONIO BANCOS: Tony Banks
PEDRO PUEBLO ENVIA: Pete Townsend
RODRIGO CAMPO DE PELIGRO: Rodney Dangerfield
PEDRO EL MEJOR: Pete Best
QUIQUE LUNA: Keith Moon
ROBERTO BAJONEANTE HIJO: Robert Downey Jr.
MIGUEL ANILLO DE HOMBRE: Michael Manring
ESTERLINO CAMPANA DE CAMPAMENTO: Sterling Campbell
GUARRO CUCURUCHO: Warren Cucurullo
MUCHACHO GULLERMOS: Guy Williams
BAÑERA GIRATORIA: Tina Turner
MAGICO HIJO DE JUAN: Magic Johnson
JUAN L. PUTA: John L. Hooker
ABEJA CARAMBAS: Bee Gees
DAVID ALMA: David Soul
JUAN DE SACROBOSQUE: John Hollywood
JAIME BONO: James Bond
PABLO SIMON: Paul Simon
PATRICIO DESVAN: Patty Garret
SARGENTO GUARNICION: Sargent Garrison
GEN SIMONES: Gene Simmons
TOMAS ESPERAS: Tom Waits
MERILINA NUDISTA: Meryl Streep
SARONA PIEDRA: Sharon Stone
SERILDA CUERVO: Sheryl Crow
ROSQUILLA VERANOS: Donna Summers
GWIMBLEDINA TIRA COLEGA: Gwyn Palthrow
GANA EN UN JINETE: Winona Ryder
GARIBALDO HOMBRE CARBON: Gary Coleman
DEBORA ALADA: Debra Winger
JAIMITO HIJO DE AUTO: Jimmy Carson
BENITO COLINA: Benny Hill
GUILLERMO BATIDOS DE PERA-E: Willam Shakespeare
ALE PELADO GANA: Alec Baldwin
JUAN LAPICERA: John Penn

¿Y porqué no al revés?

JOHN LOUIS WAR: Juan Luis Guerra
GINA PINK BEARD: Georgina Barbarosa
ANDY OF THE MOUTH: Andrea del Boca
JULIUS CHURCHES: Julio Iglesias
BRAVE FERDINAND: Fernando Bravo
DANNY CATWALK: Daniel Pasarella
MICHAEL GRANDFATHER: Miguel Abuelo
ANREW SQUID O: Andrés Calamaro
PUPPY LO FISH: Cachorro López
FERDINAND LOOKS: Fernan Miras
AL MADE AT HOME: Alfredo Caseros
SONNY UNDERWEAR: Sonia Braga
MANNY BEAUTIFUL ZIT: Manuel Belgrano
HUEY MAIDS:Hugo Porta

Humberto en el Bar
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 31 Jan 2006

Llega Humberto a la cantina, y pide un tequila doble.  El cantinero le dice:

-Lo siento, pero ya vamos a cerrar.

-Pero si le acabas de servir a ese señor...

-Es que él ya estaba aquí.

-Haz de cuenta que yo también estaba aquí y dame mi tequila...

-No se puede.  Es que hay ley seca...

-¡Qué ley seca ni que nada...!  Eso es hasta el día de las elecciones.

-De todos modos no le sirvo.

-¿Ah no...?- Dice Humberto.  Entonces lanza un banco contra el espejo de detrás de la barra, toma al cantinero por las solapas y le propina tremenda golpiza.  Después de romper varias mesas, por fin se va.

Ya que se va, uno de los parroquianos se le acerca al cantinero y le pregunta:

-Oiga ¿Por qué no le quiso servir...?

-Es que ya lo conozco: cuanto toma se pone reteviolento...

COMENTARIO: ¿"Cuando toma"?  Si es así, yo quiero ver eso...

Bear Advisory
COLOCADO POR: Stu
FECHA: 2 Jan 2006

The government has advised persons backpacking in remote areas to attach bells to clothing and carry pepper spray in defense from bear attack.  The bells are a non-alarming manner of alerting bears to your presence.

They also claim it is important to familiarize yourself with bear pies to ascertain which sub species of bear you are dealing with.  Brown or black bear scat contains berry seeds and particles of rodent fur.  Grizzly bear scat contains pieces of bells & smells like pepper spray.

COMENTARIO: Hmmmmm...  Esto se me parece mucho a los advisories que emite de vez en cuando la agencia en la que yo trabajo...  Y a todo esto, ¿qué hay del contenido de mie... ¡perdón!... de excremento humano en el del oso gris, ah?

12 Step Program for Recovery for Web Addicts
COLOCADO POR: aciidgirl[AT]gmail.com
FECHA: 10 Jan 2006

12-Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Too Eager
COLOCADO POR: Neo
FECHA: 12 Jan 2006

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

COMENTARIO: ¿Qué tal si en lugar del ketchup, le ponemos salsa para barbacoa?

Colonel Sanders' Bust Removal
COLOCADO POR: ynotssor
FECHA: 13 Jan 2006

<http://money.cnn.com/2006/01/13/news/newsmakers/anderson_sanders/>

Pamela Anderson takes on Colonel Sanders

TV star leads campaign to remove bust of 'cruel' KFC founder from Kentucky state capitol.

NEW YORK (CNN) - Television star Pamela Anderson is leading a campaign to have the bust of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Harland Sanders removed from the Kentucky state capitol.

In a letter to Gov. Ernie Fletcher, the former Baywatch star says "Nobody should have a bigger bust than I do!"

COMENTARIO: Bueno, para Pamela eso no debe ser problema alguno... a menos que ella se haga remover los implantes... ;)

May we have the envelope, please
COLOCADO POR: Tove Momerathsson
FECHA: 13 Jan 2006

At a ceremony in early October, the 2005 Ig Nobel Prize in Literature was awarded to the authors of what is arguably the most-circulated work ever.

To quote from the award, it went to "The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters—General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others—each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them."

For more about the 15^th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony and the other awards, see <http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html#ig2005>.

COMENTARIO: Esto es seguro que no lo encontrarán en el suplemento de "Letras" de El Nuevo Día, tal vez porque nuestros intelectuales criollos no son tan "iluminados" como para crear una obra de ficción de tanta excelencia como ésta...

McDonald's Solilquy
COLOCADO POR: Gregory Lam
FECHA: 10 Jan 2006

__MacDonald's Soliloquy__
or, Parody after Macbeth
Gregory Lam
Feb. 5/96

Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand?  Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight?  Or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before.  There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes.  Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost.  Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit.  Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.

[A bell rings.]

I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.

[Exeunt.]

COMENTARIO: ¿Qué tal si Cervantes, para hacerle la competencia al Bardo, hubiese respondido con una oda al KFC, algo así como esto: "Aquel pollo que veis allí..."?

Entrance Exam
COLOCADO POR: Jennifer Denise Werner
FECHA: 13 Jan 2006

Collage 268 27 MAY 96

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions—OR—give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion.  How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.  Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium—OR—spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.  If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

COMENTARIO: ¡Caramba!  El que no sepa contestar este examen...  Es más, creo que voy a proponer este mismo examen para solicitantes de empleo en el gobierno... ¡o hasta para candidatos a la legislatura!

Do You Have Feelings of Inadequacy???
COLOCADO POR: Charles Oakes
FECHA: 18 Jan 2006

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.  Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.  Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.  However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila.  Leave Shyness Behind.

COMENTARIO: Total, si mi plan médico no cubre esa "medicina"... ¡qué me importa!  Y lo mejor de todo es que se consigue over-the-counter...

Cautionary Tale
COLOCADO POR: James H. Cloos Jr.
FECHA: 16 Jan 2006

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view).  Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.  Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals.  For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos.  In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc.  The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos.  So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter.  The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.  Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place...

COMENTARIO: ¿Cómo es eso?  ¿Que ahora los pilotos le tienen miedo a los canguros?  ¿Y si en vez de canguros hubieran sido ositos koala, ah?

How wrong can a guy be?
COLOCADO POR: Clifford Beshers
FECHA: 18 Jan 2006

(I remember this from a Playboy issue of many years ago.)

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.  When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"  She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.  "You might be," she says.  "Your face looks familiar."

BUENO Y, ¿AHORA, QUÉ?  ¿Qué es eso de que se me queden mirando a mí cada vez que alguna chica tiene ESA duda, ah?

Coincidence?  Presidents Kennedy & Lincoln
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 21 Jan 2006

< I don't know if this is true or not. >

Have a history teacher explain this—if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Creepy huh?  Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading.

COMENTARIO: OK, yo no sé si el reclamo que Ablang hace aquí es correcto, pero si él dice que esto es una "lección de historia"... ¡eso, a mí como que me explica un montón de cosas (y no necesariamente sobre los paralelismos entre Lincoln y JFK)!

Doggie Truisms
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 21 Jan 2006

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.  And in return, dogs give us their all.  It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.  That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul—chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

"Do not operate heavy machinery while wearing..."
COLOCADO POR: Amethyst
FECHA: 25 Jan 2006

When I recently bought a t-shirt from a company called "East Beach", it came with this instruction sheet, which I found amusing:

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Pull garment on over head, placing arms through appropriate openings.

2. Finish with label at back of collar with design facing out.
_Fashion note - tail can be worn out for casual or tucked in for formal_

3. Wear shirt to pre-determined occasion.
 _Important note - remove all tags or labels, such as this one, before wearing in public_

4. After shirt is sufficiently soiled, place in washing machine (note - for best results remove shirt).

5. Leave the shirt just the way you removed it - inside out.  Wash warm water/cool rinse.

6. _Note - Xtreme shirts are NOT underwear - don't let your mother throw it in hot water, and keep her away from the bleach_

7. Dry on low heat, air or line dry.

8. Return garment to right-side out and repeat step 1.

COMENTARIO: ¡Caramba!  Quien no siga estas instrucciones...

Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"?
COLOCADO POR: A-1
FECHA: 29 Jan 2006

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

SAM: "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

SAM: "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

SAM: "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live.  Give me another beer."

SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

WOODY: "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.  Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable?  Good."

SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

SAM: "What's the story Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson?  A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."

COMENTARIO: OK, yo no me considero fanático de la serie Cheers, pero creo que "Norman" definitivamente dio en el clavo.  Es más, eso se merece una fría... o dos... o tres...

The Ride
COLOCADO POR: Neo
FECHA: 31 Jan 2006

A monastery was perched high up on a cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous.  Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting.  Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."

COMENTARIO: ¿Que qué?  ¿"Cada vez que se rompe"?  Ah, pues no, gracias, otro día me trepo...

Page created on January 8, 2006.  Modified on May 11, 2006.  © 2006 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.