Agosto de 2006

Sacar al gato
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 2 Aug 2006 08:09:58 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <1154531398.846018.92550@s13g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


Una pareja ya estaba lista para salir de viaje.  Ya tenían hecho su equipaje, ya habían sacado a su gata a la calle y ya había llegado su taxi cuando, en un descuido, la gata se les volvió a meter a la casa.

Como no querian dejarla adentro encerrada, el marido se metió a la casa a buscarla mientras la señora lo esperaba en el taxi.

No queriendo que el taxista se diera cuenta de que la casa se quedaba sola, la señora le dijo:

-Ahorita viene mi marido: nada más subió a despedirse de mi madre.

Un rato después llegó el marido, diciendo:

-Siento haberme tardado tanto, pero la bestia asquerosa esa se metió debajo de la cama y tuve que meterle el palo de la escoba para que saliera de ahí...

COMENTARIO: !!!!!!!!!!

Medio Oriente
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 7 Aug 2006 11:15:42 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1154974542.858407.113310@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>


Si un insecto cae en su taza de café...

El inglés: tira el café y se marcha de la cafetería.

El americano: saca el insecto y se bebe el café.

El chino: se come el insecto y tira el café.

El palestino asediado: se bebe el café y se come el insecto.

El israelí: Le vende el café al americano y el insecto al chino.  Clama que su seguridad está en peligro.  Acusa a los palestinos de arrojar el insecto en su café.  Alega que Hezbollah, sirios e iraníes defienden los ataques de insectos en masa.  Relaciona los salvajes ataques con el terrorismo palestino, los ataques a los derechos humanos, el antisemitismo, el Holocausto, la Diáspora y el Éxodo.  Pide a la Autoridad Palestina que impida de manera inmediata a los insectos que vuelen por el aire y aterricen en las tazas de café.  Vuelve a ocupar Gaza y Cisjordania, vuela viviendas, corta el agua y la electricidad, humilla y aterroriza a civiles, mata y arrasa a quien que se cruce en su camino.  Impone a los americanos más ayuda militar.  Exige a USA un crédito de mil millones de dólares a 100 años para comprar otra taza de café.  Denuncia ante las Naciones Unidas el resurgimiento del Nazismo.  Reclama a la cafetería café gratis de por vida como compensación.

COMENTARIO: Por eso es que mi café, ¡lo prefiero sin insectos!  Y PUNTO.

Carta de Cristobal Colón
COLOCADO POR: Guanaco
FECHA: 18 Aug 2006 11:01:55 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1155924114.904649.19020@m79g2000cwm.googlegroups.com>
(REFERENCES: <1155909547.994878.181170@p79g2000cwp.googlegroups.com>, <1155923818.284085.254380@m73g2000cwd.googlegroups.com>, <1155923894.158568.119250@p79g2000cwp.googlegroups.com>, <1155924024.328893.8610@m79g2000cwm.googlegroups.com>)
(IN REPLY TO: <1155924024.328893.8610@m79g2000cwm.googlegroups.com>)


CARTA DE CRISTÓBAL COLÓN

Llegamos hace dos meses, y ya casi hemos for-
malizado las relaciones internacionales. Les he comu-
nicado a todas las indias y les ha fascinado la ver-
dad sincera con que hemos hablado y mucho les hala-
ga de nosotros lo velludo. Ya nos sacaron todo el se-
creto del éxito en la travesía en barco y ya no te-
men a los que veníamos en las 3 carabelas. Estas pu-
ras y lindas mujeres nos han dicho que están dispues-
tas quieren irse a España con nosotros.

Quiero decirle a usted en lo personal que me co-
noce muy bien, que para entender el dialecto esco-
jí a una mujer llamada Malinche, esta linda dama co-
cina un arroz con pescado muy sabroso y además te-
je con mucha creatividad. El papá de ella es pu-
ra necedad y para colmo es demasiado ton-
to que no se ha dado cuenta de la conquista.

Bueno majestad, es todo por ahora, saludos a su pu-
ritana mujer Isabel y dígale que por acá la situación es-
ta controlada que no tema y que muy pronto me acos-
tumbrare a estas tierras, ya que en unos meses mas es-
taré con ella para agradecerle toda su vida.

Atte.
Cristóbal Colón.

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  Ahora sí que esto explica un montón de cosas...

Propiedades del Tequila
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 17 Aug 2006 06:30:42 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1155821442.385384.35340@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>


PROPIEDADES DEL TEQUILA:

1. Quita la angustia.

2. Extingue la culpa.

3. Hace olvidar.

4. Suelta la lengua

5. Afloja las medias

6. Aleja de la oficina

7. Lima asperezas

8. Arregla corazones rotos

9. Acerca amigos

10. Sirve de aperitivo

11. Se te olvida el hambre

12. Apresura desenlaces

13. Causa rubores

14. Elimina la timidez

15. Afina tu voz

16. Levanta tu ánimo

17. Fomenta relaciones románticas

18. Te da calor

19. Infla el tino

20. Hace compadres

21. Liga comadres

22. Cierra tratos

23. Abre puertas

24. Aligera los caminos

25. Acorta las esperas

26. Festeja la compañía

27. Cura la tristeza.

28. Aumenta la alegría

29. Mejora la digestión

30. Mata las lombrices.

Por eso y mas..............¡¡Salud!

Después de las 12 p.m.:

31.Saca la belleza escondida.

32.Paga de más en el bar.

33.Mueve calles, postes, chapas de puertas y escaleras.

34.Abre cinturones y zippers, y arrancabotones.

35. Baja pantis y chones.

36.Disminuye el tino.

37.Imposibilita erecciones o aumenta duración de las mismas.

38.Provoca ronquidos y sobresaltos.....

y a las 8 de la mañana:

39.Causa dolor de cabeza y sed.

40.Genera amnesia.

41.Provoca llanto y recriminaciones (como que como me llamo / me dijiste que me querías / y ahora que vas a pensar de mí / te veías buenísima / donde quedo mi
cartera, etc, etc, etc...)

COMENTARIO: Pues yo no sé... yo lo que sé es que me dan ganas de darme un par de shots de tequila... ¡Salud!

Un Clásico (El barrendero de Microsoft)
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 27 Aug 2006 23:24:46 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1156746285.994692.56610@75g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>


Cuento con moralejas

El barrendero de Microsoft

Un hombre pierde su trabajo.  Después de buscar varios meses concurre a una entrevista de la empresa Microsoft que busca barrenderos.

El gerente de RR.HH. le pregunta sus datos, lo hace barrer, lo felicita y le dice "el puesto es suyo, déme su e-mail, y le enviaré el día y la hora que se tiene que presentar".

El hombre desconsolado contesta que no posee e-mail y el gerente de RR.HH le dice que lo lamenta mucho pero que si no tiene E-mail, virtualmente no existe, y que como no existe no le puede dar el trabajo.

El hombre sale desesperado, no sabe que hacer, tiene solo 2,50 EUR en el bolsillo.  Entonces decide ir hasta el mercado de abastecimiento de frutas y verduras y comprar un cajón de tomates de 10 Kg.  Y va casa por casa vendiendo el kilo de tomates a 1 EUR los 2 Kg.  En menos de 2 horas había duplicado el dinero.

Repite la operación tres veces más.  Luego cena en un bareto por 5 EUR, y se vuelve con 15 EUR a su casa.  Se da cuenta que de esa forma puede sobrevivir, y sale cada vez mas temprano y vuelve mas tarde y así duplica, triplica y hasta cuadriplica el dinero en un solo día.

Con bastante suerte de su lado, logra comprarse una furgoneta que al año cambia por un camión, y a los tres ya tiene una pequeña flota de furgonetas, monovolumenes y camiones.  Después de 5 años el buen hombre era dueño de una de las principales distribuidoras alimentarias del país.

Entonces recibe a un asegurador de vida, y cuando termina la charla este último le dice que le de el e-mail para enviarle la póliza, a lo que el hombre contesta que no tiene e-mail.  Entonces, el asegurador le dice:

"Si usted no tiene e-mail y llegó a construir este imperio, no quiero imaginarme lo que sería si tuviera correo electrónico..."  Y el hombre responde: "Sería barrendero de Microsoft".

Moraleja 1: Internet no te soluciona la vida.

Moraleja 2: Si trabajas por tu cuenta y tienes suerte puedes ser millonario.

Moraleja 3: Si quieres ser barrendero de Microsoft mejor tener e-mail.
Observación: Si esto te llego por e-mail, entonces es muy probable que estés mas cerca de ser barrendero de Microsoft que multimillonario.

Moraleja 4: Cada día hay que levantarse mas temprano y llegar a casa más tarde.

Moraleja 5: Si tu pareja no vende tomates contigo y cada día llegas más tarde, un día te pedirá el divorcio y se llevara la mitad de los Euros que hayas ganado.

Moraleja 6: Hala, ya has desconectado 2 minutos de la ardua tarea diaria, pues al tajo otra vez, que no has vendido ni un tomate todavía.

COMENTARIO: ¡Calma, pueblo, que lo tuyo llega!

The Darksucker Theory
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 1 Aug 2006 07:38:10 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <27490174@spectrumdata.com>


The Darksucker Theory

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.  Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.  There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness.

This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The immense power of dark can be utilised to mans advantage.  We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognised this problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

COMENTARIO: OK, pero ¿a dónde se va toda esa oscuridad, ah?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 2 Aug 2006 08:44:01 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <31441089@spectrumdata.com>


John was in a bar looking very dejected.  His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.  "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said.  "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered.  "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."

COMENTARIO: ¡Que qué!  ¡Ea rayo!  Pa'i, lo siento por ti...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 7 Aug 2006 07:07:30 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <25650844@spectrumdata.com>


Don't Pee in the Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.  "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Pudo haber sido peor!  ¿Y qué tal si él quisiera hacer number two, ah?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 9 Aug 2006 15:34:48 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <56086945@spectrumdata.com>


"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past!  Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.  She asked me if there was anything I wanted.  I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Ave María, qué morón!  Yo creo que esto no hubiera ocurrido en tiempos de Bonanza o de Gunsmoke... ¿ustedes se imaginan eso?

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 10 Aug 2006 10:08:48 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <36528277@spectrumdata.com>


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.  A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.  The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there?  You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!  You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 10 Aug 2006 10:08:57 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <36537129@spectrumdata.com>


Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop!  You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday?  Like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.  Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore.  He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied.  "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

COMENTARIO: Otro caso para archivar bajo "¡TOMA!  ¡PA' QUE APRENDAS!"

Situation Awareness Test
COLOCADO POR: Mitchell J. Edelman
FECHA: 11 Aug 2006 19:30:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S183c.183a@netfunny.com>


You are driving in a car at a constant speed on a curvy road.

On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

You see a giant galloping pig, the same size as your car, in front of you.  Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you, and the accelerator seems to be stuck, so you can't evade them.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, bozo!  You're drunk!

COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo!  Y eso, que los cerdos voladores son muy peligrosos...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 14 Aug 2006 08:10:29 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <29429332@spectrumdata.com>


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.  "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

COMENTARIO: ¡Já!  ¡Así cualquiera!  Es más, creo que voy un momentito al bar de la esquina a buscar un pote de aceitunas...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 14 Aug 2006 08:10:38 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <29438294@spectrumdata.com>


After the lavish wedding reception, Vicki and David retired to their Honeymoon Suite.

The groom turned down the lights and found some romantic CDs to put on the in-room stereo.  He then excused himself for a bit and returned wearing just a robe.  He carried a bottle of Dom Perignon.

He opened the champagne and poured himself and Vicki a drink.  She giggled at the way the bubbles popped out of the glass.

They drank their champagne, kissed, rubbed each other, and kissed some more.  Finally, David took the girl of his dreams by her hand, stood up, and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

When Vicki stopped after a couple of steps, David gently asked, "What's wrong my love?"

"I'll be damned," she muttered.  "Every stinking time I go out with a guy it ALWAYS ends up the same way!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Adió'!  ¿Y qué creía ella, que así eran las citas?  Yo creo que ella es de las que no sabe CUÁNDO decir, "¡Hasta aquí es que llego yo!"

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 17 Aug 2006 16:32:44 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <59563995@spectrumdata.com>


Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.  He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.  "God! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly.  "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, cará!  No en balde es un hillbilly...  ¡Qué classe 'e bestia!

Bug Spray
COLOCADO POR: Wally
FECHA: 18 Aug 2006 19:30:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S1843.1206@netfunny.com>


"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again.  I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.  "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.  I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.  If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted.  They went to the field and he stripped.  The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer.  The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.  Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.  Yet he was a total wreck!  Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.  "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell!  What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

COMENTARIO: ¡UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 21 Aug 2006 08:46:19 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <31579043@spectrumdata.com>


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.  The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"

COMENTARIO: ¡UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 22 Aug 2006 08:07:10 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <29229970@spectrumdata.com>


Lunch at Microsoft.

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.  What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A soup bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.  I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!


The check:

Soup of the Day $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50

Access to Support $1.00

Total $8.50 + Tax

COMENTARIO: ¡Ah!  Y con el granito-de-arena-tax del alcalde de San Juan sería $8.58...  ("Granito de arena"... ¿será para que el alcalde tenga un truck lleno de arena?)  Pa' eso me voy a comer al restaurante de FireFox...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 22 Aug 2006 08:07:54 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <29273538@spectrumdata.com>


Diary Of A Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp.  Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves.  Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last.  Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

COMENTARIO: ¡Pobrecito!  La verdad es que siempre hay alguien a quien le va peor que a uno(a)...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 24 Aug 2006 08:36:56 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <31016494@spectrumdata.com>


A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink.  Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol.  She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two.  That doesn't make me a bad person.  I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home.  I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.  Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "how can you make such a sweeping statement.  Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "the evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink.  One drink.  I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.  However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing.  I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this."

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this.  Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned.  Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.  He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please."

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that damn nun out there again!"

COMENTARIO: ¡Já!  Así cualquiera se pone a predicar contra la maldad resultante del consumo del alcohol...

[...]
COLOCADO POR: John
FECHA: 29 Aug 2006 10:31:22 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <37882101@spectrumdata.com>


Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?

1. The DNA is all the same.

2. There are no dental records.

COMENTARIO: No en balde, ni Hercule Poirot ni Sherlock Holmes ni Agatha Christie se dieron un viajecito por Mississippi o Tennessee...

Created on August 6, 2006.  Last update on September 3, 2006.  © 2006 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.