Abril de 2006

Quemaduras
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 7 Apr 2006 07:37:55 -0700 (10:37:55 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <1144420675.549360.310630@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


Una pareja se ve envualta en un terrible accidente, y la señora sufre tremendas quemaduras en la cara.  Como los médicos no pudieron usar piel de ella misma para injertarle, el marido donó de la suya... de la de su trasero.

Dado lo delicado de la situación, pidió a los doctores que no le dijeran de dónde habían sacado la piel para el injerto, y así lo hicieron.

La señora se recuperó increíblemente bien.  Su cutis nunca había estado tan liso y limpio.  Sus amigos y familiares se la pasaban diciéndole que se veía más joven y mejor que antes.

Un día que ella estaba a solas con su marido, le dijo:

-Querido, no sé como agradecerte por todo lo que hiciste por mí...

-No te preocupes, querida.  Cada que viene tu mamá de visita y te besa en la mejilla, me doy por bien pagado.

COMENTARIO: ¿Será de ahí mismo que sale el material para los trasplantes de cara que se están empezando a realizar en Francia y China?  ¡No quiero ni imaginarme eso!

Fantasías Sexuales
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 8 Apr 2006 08:41:22 -0700 (11:41:22 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <1144510882.844514.11750@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>


El otro día leí en una revista que una de las fantasías sexuales más comunes entre las mujeres es hacer el amor de forma salvaje.  Llegar a casa... que esté tu marido preparando la cena...—bueno, esto por sí solo ya sería una fantasía—, acercarte por detrás, arrancarle el delantal y hacerlo en la mesa de la cocina.  Como en la peli esa de "El cartero siempre llama dos veces..."

Que, por cierto, con la que tenían allí montada, no me extraña que el tío tuviera que llamar dos veces, ¡y quince!  Pero ustedes se imaginan esto en la vida real?  Con las piernas colgando, clavándote un tenedor en la nuca, y desollándote la rabadilla con el rallador del pan, y encima, el cartero, venga a llamar:

- ¡Piiii, correos!  ¡Piiii, correos!

Que es para decirle: - ¡En eso estamos, pero no nos dejas!

Estas cosas nos pasan por intentar copiar lo que vemos en las películas.

Por ejemplo, la típica fantasía de mezclar sexo y comida, como en "Nueve semanas y media", con las fresas, el melocotón en almíbar...  Vamos a ver: ¿qué es lo que tiene de sexy hacer macedonia encima de tu pareja?  Porque el almíbar tiene una característica muy poco erótica: a los tres minutos se seca ... y se queda como el Loctite.  Claro, en la película cortan, pero a ti te toca irte a la ducha con la cabeza pegada a sus pelillos del pecho, con el culo en pompa y caminando hacia atrás... que pareceis dos siameses.

El: - ¡Aaaaah, aaaaaah, aaaaah,....!

Y tú: - Pero, Paco, ¿cómo te puede excitar esto, tío?

Otra fantasía muy típica es grabarse en vídeo.  A mí me comentó una amiga que lo había hecho, y que daba mucho morbo.  Así que lo probé: es supererótico.... hasta que te ves ...  El te pone la cinta todo emocionado, y cuando ves dos cuerpos abrazados... ¡gordos!, dices: - Paco, te has equivocado de cinta, eso es un combate de sumo.

- No cariño, somos nosotros, es que la cámara engorda.

- ¿Que engorda?  ¿Y la mesilla de noche por qué no engorda?

Otro clásico de las fantasías es hacer el amor en un sitio público.  Por ejemplo, en un ascensor.  ¿Lo han probado?  Aquello se mueve más que la madre de Marco.  Y para colmo los vecinos no cooperan nada; tú todavía estás en los preliminares y ellos ya superexcitados:

- ¡¡¡¡Ascensoooooor!!!!

Y luego está la fantasía favorita de los tíos: montar un trío con dos tías.  Aquí lo que más gracia me hace es cómo intentan proponértelo...  Te van dejando pistas, con esa sutileza que ellos tienen:

- Oye, ¿a ti te gustan los tres tenores?

- Si.

- ¿Y los tres cerditos?

- Sííí.

- ¿Y las tres carabelas?

- Paco, ya está bien.  ¿Qué quieres?

- Yo nada...  Oye...  Esta cama es muy grande.  ¿No?  Y tu amiga Loli, muy liberal...

Y aquí ya le dices:

-Paco, yo me conformo con cualquier cosa, pero a mi amiga Loli le gustan los hombres.

¡Es que es verdad!  Si con una sola no pueden, ¿para qué querrán a dos?  Como no sea para fumarse después dos cigarros...

Pero la muestra mas clara de que las fantasías nunca deberían llevarse cabo es cuando intentas hacer el amor en la bañera: aquí la fantasía es conseguir hacerlo sin romperte nada.  Para empezar... erótico no es.  El se mete, y se queda encajado en la bañera, con las rodillas en las orejas, y el periscopio intentando asomarse.  Y va el cachondo y te dice:

-¡Venga, métete!

Y claro, como él ha cogido el mejor sitio, a tí te toca poner el culo encima del tapón y que te dé el grifo en la nuca.  Y entonces empieza a moverse todo apasionado.  ¡Y se monta allí una marejada...!  ¡Chaf, chaf, chaf...!  Aquello parece "La tormenta perfecta"...  Lo malo es que el que está en la bañera no es George Clooney, es el capitán Pescanova.  Entonces te dice:

- Vamos a probar otra postura; ponte tú encima.

En ese momento se sale el tapón y el desagüe te hace ventosa...  Y piensas... "este tío ha organizado un trío sin avisarme".  Y cuando te das cuenta de que es el tapón le dices:

- ¡Que se sale el agua, que se sale el agua!

Y él:

- No te muevas, busca el tapón...

Tú, tanteando, agarras lo primero que encuentras...  Y él grita:

- ¡Eso no es el tapón!  ¿No ves que hay dos?

En ese momento, ya solo se te ocurre una solución:

- Cariño, ¿por qué no nos vamos a la cama?....  Pero a dormir ¿eh?  ¡Que estoy agotada!

No me la pierdo
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 10 Apr 2006 15:28:27 -0700 (18:28:27 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <1144708107.041107.88760@u72g2000cwu.googlegroups.com>


Un Árabe le pidio dinero prestado a un Judío.  Sucede que el Árabe jamás había pagado una deuda y el Judío jamás había perdido un solo centavo en alguna transacción...

Pasó el tiempo y el Árabe había estado escondiéndose del Judío y éste nunca había logrado agarrarlo para que le pagara.  Hasta que un día, ellos se cruzaron en el bar de un gallego.  Ahí comenzaron a discutir.  El Árabe acorralado no encontró otra salida: Sacó una pistola, la puso sobre su cabeza y dijo:

- Podré irme al infierno pero no pagaré esta deuda  Y apretó al gatillo, cayendo muerto de inmediato.

El Judío no quiso hacer menos asi que agarró la pistola del tipo, la puso sobre su cabeza y dijo:

- Voy a recibir este dinero aunque sea en el infierno...

Y jaló el gatillo cayendo muerto.  El gallego, que había observado todo, tomó el mismo revolver, lo puso sobre su cabeza y dijo:

- ¡Pues hombre!  ¡¡Que por nada del mundo me pierdo esta pelea!!

COMENTARIO: OK, pero ¿cuánto se tardará el gallego ése en regresar?  Hace un rato le pedí mi cuenta de las tres Coors Light que me tomé hoy y todavía me tiene esperando...

Chiste de James Bond
COLOCADO POR: superrisas
FECHA: 20 Apr 2006 11:17:15 +0200
MESSAGE-ID: <e27jit$n53$1@nsnmpen3-gest.nuria.telefonica-data.net>


Entra James Bond a un bar y se sienta en la barra, cruza las piernas, pide un vodka martini (shaken, not stirred) y ve que una chica lo había estado observando con mucho interés desde que llegó, se le acerca y le dice:

- "!Que bonito reloj!  ¿Tiene muchas funciones?"

James le contesta:

-"Por supuesto; este reloj Omega me permite observar lo que está pasando a mi alrededor de inmediato, más allá de lo que mis ojos ven.  Por ejemplo: usted, senorita, está sin panties"

Ella le responde:

-"Tu reloj no sirve, pues yo sí traigo panties"

James mira su reloj, le da unos golpecitos y le contesta:

-"Disculpa, preciosa, es que está adelantado una hora".

Se publicó en...
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 28 Apr 2006 06:49:49 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1146232189.265333.220500@v46g2000cwv.googlegroups.com>


Citas extraídas textualmente de las crónicas locales del corresponsal de LA VOZ DE ESPAÑA en Irun.

* El publico entusiasmado y puesto en pie aplaudió hasta enronquecer.

* El cadáver presentaba heridas, al parecer mortales.

¡NO!  ¿Quién dijo que esas heridas no eran mortales?

* Las practicas de los bomberos de Fuenterrabia se celebran todos los sábados una vez al mes.

* Los ladrones penetraron furtivamente en el camerino de la virgen del Juncal.

* El muchacho recitó magníficamente la conocida fábula de los galgos y los zopencos.

* Falleció para siempre el que fue gran deportista bidasotarra Vicente Hernandorena.

No se apuren, que de aquí a par de días él regresa...

* La conducción tuvo lugar a las 7 de la tarde desde el domicilio del afligido cadáver.

¿Como que "afligido"?  Si el cadáver estaba "monda'o" de la risa...

* El entierro se celebro en la intimidad de la finada.

¡Adió'!  Ustedes haciendo fiesta y no me invitan...

* Ha sido fichado por el Real Unión el popular Pepito Amantegui que procede del Badajoz y que actúa simultáneamente de defensa central y de medio volante derecho.

* Según instrucciones del nuevo entrenador los entrenamientos del Real Unión se celebraran todos los primeros jueves de cada semana.

Caramba, ¿qué tal el tercer jueves?  Yo tengo compromisos los demás jueves de la semana...

* Intenso trafico en el puente internacional de Santiago, al coincidir el final de Julio con el comienzo de Agosto.

Digo, si la "honorable" Asamblea Legislativa no dispone otra cosa...

* Por fin murió Erauso.

* Paseando entre el ganado, saludamos al señor alcalde.

Y a todo esto, ¿el alcalde estaba dando servicio a alguna de sus conciudadanas?

* El partido entre el Real Unión y el Atlético Madrileño finalizó con empate a cero.  Al descanso se llego con idéntico resultado.

* El señor alcalde dirigió magistralmente el pleno municipal.

* En las proximidades del monte Ibardin se han comprobado varias pisadas de lobo.  En opinión de los expertos y dado el sentido de la orientación de las huellas, se supone que el citado lobo era extranjero.

¡Y dale que es tarde!  Otra andanada contra los inmigrantes...

* El baile fue amenizado por un numeroso cuarteto.

* Se ruega a las señoritas que esta noche deseen acudir al salón de baile Fantasio, y para tener derecho a la reducción correspondiente, deberán ir con la matriz en la mano.

* Al paso de la carrera ciclista de la Vuelta al País Vasco por la localidad de Vera de Bidasoa, los primeros iban en cabeza.

* Con gran dolor para los amantes de la naturaleza, por orden del Ayuntamiento, los leñadores procedieron a cortar un árbol centenario de mas de 1000 años.

* El día de las opillas, los niños subieron al monte con los huevos en la mano.

¡Mira! ¡Quítate la mano de ahí, canto 'e fresco!

* Es de noche, y sin embargo llueve.

* Ayer, día de Todos los Santos, se encontraba muy animado el cementerio.

* Como consecuencia del descarrilamiento del "topo" cerca de la estación de Irún, fallecieron siete personas; afortunadamente, los muertos viajaban en tercera.

COMENTARIO: O sea, que El Nuevo Día no es el único que provee material para la sección de "Errores y Horrores de la Prensa"...  Y a todo esto, ¿qué le costará al periódico mencionado en este chiste publicar una sección de "Aclaraciones", ah?

Lorena Bobbitt's Sister Louella
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 2 Apr 2006 21:55:26 -0700 (00:55:26 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <bla132h0qssod2o3eti4ovu72bcnkanjdj@4ax.com>


In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.  Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.  The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...

.
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A Misdewiener!

OH, don't groan.  You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

COMENTARIO: A la verdad que esa familia es tremenda.  Yo no me les acercaría a ellas, ni aunque anduvieran con cuchillos de plástico en las manos...  ¡Digo!  Es mejor precaver...

Amigas y amigos lectores, luego de varios meses de ausencia, en los que nos mantuvo en vilo a nosotros en "LDB News" mientras andaba por el Oriente Medio buscando a... ¡ustedes saben quién!... diz que para "entrevistarlo", regresa nuestro exclusivo reportero internacional, Penn de Haul, para traernos la siguiente noticia:

Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park
COLOCADO POR: Rich
FECHA: 4 Apr 2006 05:49:00 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <1144154939.633104.186080@i40g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>


NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.

"Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven't been particularly kind to him," Springer said in a released statement.  "He hasn't worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn't eating that well.  He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around."

According to a police report obtained by CAP News, it looked at first like Mr. Coyote was well on his way to doing so.  The pigeon is a much slower bird than the road runner, and Central Park pigeons in particular have what can kindly be called a muted sense of self-preservation.  During his first two weeks in the Big Apple, Wile E. Coyote dined well.

"We'd get occasional reports about explosions, a guy in a bat suit and the like, but this is New York. Fuggedaboutit," said Desk Sergeant Mike McLadden.

Police began to get suspicious when numerous packages from a company called Acme started getting delivered to the Lenox Avenue Playground.  Police staked out the playground and didn't have long to wait.

"It was a friggin' coyote on jet-powered roller skates, I swear to friggin' God," said one officer on condition of anonymity.  "He swooped in here, grabbed up the package and was gone before I could even unholster my weapon, much less yell 'Freeze, scumbag!'  Un-friggin'-believable."

Officers spent the next three days unsuccessfully trying to corner Wile E. Coyote.  They'd get close, but he would zip away on a rocket sled.  More than one officer described "portable holes" that the elusive coyote would toss at walls and boulders before jumping through.  Several officers were treated for concussions after trying to follow their prey through the "holes".  Empty bottles of Acme Hi-Speed Tonic were found littered all over the park.

"The big shame about all this is that after all these years of supporting them, Acme started to come through for Wile," said Tim Springer.  "After [former FEMA head] Mike Brown left the board, they seemed to really get their act together."

The beginning of the end came on Wednesday, when nearly a hundred officers pursued Wile E. Coyote after confiscating his latest Acme package.  They chased him to the reservoir, which Mr. Coyote attempted to swim, apparently forgetting that his fanny sack was full of dehydrated boulders.

"All of a sudden his ass bulged out and like fifty boulders shot out of it and into the reservoir," said professional mugger and eye-witness Derek Smith.  "That dog or whatever the hell it was was good though.  He kept hopping boulders until he got around the cops and he was gone."

His freedom didn't last long.  Wounded, exhausted and hopped up on the highly addictive Acme Hi-Speed Tonic, Wile E. Coyote staggered into traffic a short time later where the "Beep beep!" of a cabby's horn caused what coroners are calling a massive heart attack.  His last words, written on a sign and help up moments before his death, were, "I should have been a %&@#*$# vegetarian."

The Road Runner, suffering from an avian flu strain which has rocked the animation and puppetry industry, declined to comment for this article.

COMENTARIO: Nuestro reportero, Penn de Haul, terminó diciendo que se esperaba que el Tnte. Kojak y el Sgto. Sipowicz (¡yo quiero ver ese junte!) se encargaran de investigar el caso a fondo.  ¡Seguiremos informando!

Why Sex Ed Needs to be Taught in Catholic Schools
COLOCADO POR: humanid
FECHA: 3 Apr 2006 11:16:45 -0700
MESSAGE-ID: <b5669$4431668a$42f862b2$30889@DIALUPUSA.NET>


Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something.  We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back.  "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

Grandma, what is it called?
COLOCADO POR: Michael Legel
FECHA: 5 Apr 2006 11:59:26 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <yiOYf.44889$Fc.33505@trnddc08>


Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!  It's called Bunk Beds!  And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."

COMENTARIO: Antes que alguno de ustedes se me "'esmande"... yo creo que tanto el niño como su abuela se merecen el "OOOOOOOOOOPS!"

Get your haircut if you want that car!
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 7 Apr 2006 22:25:16 -0700 (8 Apr 2006 01:25:16 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <e9ie32t031seedk1b7fnqoqapa4j892dcj@4ax.com>


A young lad had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son.  "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."  The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.  You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Creative Writing
COLOCADO POR: Geoffrey Kidd
FECHA: 10 Apr 2006 19:30:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S17c1.b5f@netfunny.com>


BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows.  On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885.  Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.  Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right?  But let's revise things a bit.  We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.  In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.  In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

COMENTARIO: Por una de esas casualidades de la vida, este individuo, ¿llegó alguna vez a postularse para un cargo público?  ¡SÍ!  Porque esa semblanza se parece a la de muchos de nuestros políticos de hoy en día...

To Tell the Truth
COLOCADO POR: Michael Legel
FECHA: 17 Apr 2006 12:37:38 +0000
MESSAGE-ID: <m_L0g.8303$yQ.3054@trnddc07>


Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.  His family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was always hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and it stunk all the time.  The outhouse was located on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen.  The little boy decided that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek, so he got a large stick and started pushing.  Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.  Knowing that meant he was going to get a spanking, the little boy asked why.  The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered that yes, he had done it.  Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Three Women in a Mexican Prison
COLOCADO POR: Ron Ablang
FECHA: 19 Apr 2006 22:29:14 -0700 (20 Apr 2006 01:29:14 -0400)
MESSAGE-ID: <q07e42tqmlhk5h63fks6b9g47lnbkpm7p9@4ax.com>


Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.  She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.  They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, " I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.  Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

COMENTARIO: ¿Y para ESTO ella diz que pasó por la universidad?  Parece que la universidad no pasó por ella...

I'm no joketeller, but...
COLOCADO POR: Duke McMullan n5gax
FECHA: 20 Apr 2006 19:20:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S17cb.3ab6@netfunny.com>


Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.  Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.  Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room.  "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."

They leave and go to the lady's apartment.  They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

Grandfather
COLOCADO POR: Mike
FECHA: 24 Apr 2006 07:17:56 -0500
MESSAGE-ID: <Ll33g.2065$mZ3.1634@fe05.lga>


A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting out on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?  Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your grandma's idea."

COMENTARIO: Bueno, a lo mejor ÉSA es una buena idea... ¡siempre y cuando ese anciano no contraiga una pulmonía!

Eleventh
COLOCADO POR: Mike
FECHA: 24 Apr 2006 07:18:44 -0500
MESSAGE-ID: <vm33g.2066$mZ3.625@fe05.lga>


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What?," said the puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a politician; he kept telling me how great it's going to be after the next election.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was..., God, I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Internal Revenue Service...  This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Transcripts from the General Motors Help Line
COLOCADO POR: Michael Edward Chastain
FECHA: 28 Apr 2006 7:20:02 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S17d2.4d19@netfunny.com>


[This is original. I made it up myself.]

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive.  Imagine if they did ...

------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

*Customer:* "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

*HelpLine:* "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

*Customer:* "What's an ignition?"

*HelpLine:* "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

*Customer:* "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

*Customer:* "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

*HelpLine:* "Is the gas tank empty?"

*Customer:* "Huh?  How do I know?"

*HelpLine:* "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"

*Customer:* "It's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

*HelpLine:* "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

*Customer:* "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

*Customer:* "Your cars suck!"

*HelpLine:* "What's wrong?"

*Customer:* "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

*HelpLine:* "What were you doing?"

*Customer:* "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.  It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

*HelpLine:* "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do you expect us to do about it?"

*Customer:* "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

------------------------------------------------

*HelpLine:* "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

*Customer:* "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

*HelpLine:* "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
*Customer:* "How do I work it?"

*HelpLine:* "Do you know how to drive?"

*Customer:* "Do I know how to what?"

*HelpLine:* "Do you know how to drive?"

*Customer:* "I'm not a technical person.  I just want to go places in my car!"

COMENTARIO: Después de leer estos cuatro diálogos, a mí también me alegra que en la realidad no exista tal cosa como una línea directa de ayuda de General Motors... ¡digo, si ÉSTA es la clase de clientes que se gastan!

What the Doctor says, What the Doctor really means
COLOCADO POR: Dave
FECHA: 30 Apr 2006 22:34:49 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <pan.2006.05.01.03.34.49.503700@clss.net>


What the Doctor says
What the Doctor really means

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this will take too long."
-or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this alot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% intrest in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"How are we today?"
"I feel great.  You, on the other hand, look like hell."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is.  Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong.  Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
-or-
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting.  Thank God I'm off next week."

"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week.  I'd better learn something about this."

COMENTARIO: Yo lo siento, pero con este doctor yo NO me atiendo...

Diplomacy
COLOCADO POR: sfleming[AT]cs.heriot-watt.ac.uk
FECHA: 30 Apr 2006 7:20:01 -0800 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <S17d4.3003@netfunny.com>


[The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this morning's (28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.]

Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"

"Certainly not," was the reply.  "First, you are drunk.  Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio."

COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOPS!  Y si el "comandante" llega a enterarse de que le han confundido su himno nacional con un vals (digo, él sabe lo que es un vals, ¿no?)...

Rules for Bank Robbers
COLOCADO POR: Dave
FECHA: 30 Apr 2006 22:25:25 -0600 +0100
MESSAGE-ID: <pan.2006.05.01.03.25.25.786774@clss.net>


RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business.  This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.  On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank.  A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway.  She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.  One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.  Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."  The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.  Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.  Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base.  They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police.  This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places—as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.  Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.  He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

COMENTARIO: Así que no hay más "casco" que darle al tema...

Created on April 16, 2006.  Last updated on July 30, 2006.  © 2006 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.