¡BONO!Septiembre de 2005
ahi va otro
COLOCADO POR: Lorena
FECHA: 1 Sep 2005
En un autobús de gente hasta los topes un tío dice a voz en grito:
-¡Me quedan tres paradas para bajarme!
La gente pasa de él y que esta un poco **tocao**. Al cabo de un rato:
-¡Me quedan dos paradas para bajarme!
La gente a mosquearse.
-¡Señores, que a la próxima me bajo!
La gente sigue pasando de él y finalmente dice:
-¡Bueno, que ya me bajo en esta!
-¡Y a nosotros qué nos importa!
-¡Soy fontanero y suelten ya la tubería que me la tengo que llevar!
COMENTARIO: No se preocupen, que con el Tren Urbano ya no ocurren estas cosas... ¿o sí?
El Miedo
COLOCADO POR: TeDaX
FECHA: 2 Sep 2005
¡¡Qué malo que es el miedo !!
Porque vamos a ver, tú estás por la noche en la cama y oyes un ruido extraño, ¿y qué haces? ¡Te tapas con la sábana! ¡Muy bien!
¿Qué pasa, que la sábana es antibalas? ¿Que si viene un malo con un cuchillo no va a poder atravesarla, se le va a doblar la hoja?
¡Hombre, por favor!
¿Y cuando nos da por mirar debajo de la cama? ¡Hombre, que ya tenemos una edad! Además, suponiendo que haya un asesino debajo de la cama, ¿qué ganas mirando? ¡Que te mate antes! Muy bien, fantástico.
¿Te imaginas que un día nos encontrásemos a alguien debajo de la cama?
¿Qué le diríamos?:
- Buenas nocheeees... ¿Qué? Asesinando, ¿no?
- A veeer..., hay que ganarse las lentejas.
- ¡Pero hombre de Dios! Salga de ahí que se va a quedar frío. Ande, suba, que va a coger asma con tanta pelusilla. Máteme en la cama, que estará más cómodo.
Otra reacción estúpida ante el miedo es mirar dentro del armario, que ya es el colmo. Porque, vamos a ver ¿a alguien le cabe un señor dentro del armario? Pero si el día que planchas no sabes dónde meter toda la ropa
¿cómo se va a meter un tío ahí dentro?
Otra situación. Oyes un ruido raro en casa y te levantas, acojonao, en calzoncillos, y preguntas:
-¿Hay alguien ahí?
¿Pero qué te crees, que si hay alguien te va a contestar?
Lo mejor es cuando llegas a la conclusión de que si hay alguien sólo puede estar detrás de la puerta del cuarto de baño, porque lo demás ya lo has registrado y, ¿qué haces? Asomas la cabeza poco a poco, más que nada para que, si hay alguien, te dé a gusto. ¡Ay!
Otra. Vas en un coche y, de repente, el conductor empieza a correr como si fuese Carlos Sainz, pero sin Carlos y sin Sainz, y tú acojonado. ¿Qué haces?
Lo normal, protegerte: te agarras a la asita de plástico que hay encima de la puerta. Ya se puede estampar si quiere, que tu vas cogido a la asita...
En esta situación lo que hacen las madres es agarrarse al bolso y ponérselo delante, como si fuese un airbag.
¿Y cuando vas en bicicleta bajando una cuesta y aquello se embala? ¿Qué es lo que se te ocurre? Quitar los pies de los pedales. ¡Muy bien, muy inteligente! Cuando te descontrolas del todo, sueltas también las manos del manillar. Eso es. Pero ¿qué crees que va a pasar? ¿Que vas a salir volando como E.T.?
Cuando nos van a poner una inyección, ¿qué hacemos? Poner el culo tan duro que la aguja rebota. Sabemos que duele más, pero no podemos evitarlo.
Y es que el miedo nos incita a hacer una idiotez detrás de otra: tienes que bajar al garaje y no hay luz. Empiezas a pensar en fantasmas o en si habrá alguien escondido y, ¿qué haces?
Cantar. ¡Miedo, tengo miedo, no lo sabes tú muy biebebeben! Eso es, da más datos. Lanza una bengala.
¿Y qué pasa si vas por la calle y de pronto ves a alguien y piensas que te va a atracar? Pues te cambias de acera. Seguro que si es un atracador, pensará:
"Mierda, otro que se me ha cruzado de acera, qué nochecita llevo".
Pero ¿por qué hacemos esto? ¿Qué pasa, que los atracadores sólo atracan en la acera de los pares?
¡Ay! El otro día iba en el ascensor con una mujer a la que no conocía de nada y de repente el ascensor hizo un extraño: "Brramb". ¿Y qué hizo la señora? ¡Agarrarse a mí! Es una reacción típica de las mujeres. Deben de pensar que los hombres no caemos, ni nos deshuevamos cuando se descuelga un ascensor.
No hay que olvidar que unidas a nuestras reacciones estúpidas están las que tiene el cuerpo por su propia cuenta. Una de ellas es temblar.
Si por ejemplo hay un ladrón en casa y nos escondemos debajo de una manta, el hombre no tiene problemas para encontrarnos. Nos ponemos como un móvil en posición vibrador.
Otra reacción estúpida es la de quedarte paralizado. Si viene un coche hacia ti y está a punto de atropellarte, esto es todo lo que se le ocurre a tu cuerpo, quedarse quieto.
Más reacciones que tiene el cuerpo por su cuenta: gritar. Claro que sí, muy lógico. Si estás friendo un huevo y se te prende la sartén ¿qué se te ocurre? Gritar. Te pones a gritar como un loco:
-¡¡Que se me queman los huevos!!
Y si viene otra persona, se une a ti con sus gritos:
-¡Que se te queman los huevos!
Pero ¿qué pretendemos? ¿Apagar el fuego a gritos? ¡Hombre, por favor!
Y luego está lo de cagarse de miedo. ¿Habrá algo más estúpido y más inútil que cagarse de miedo? Bueno, sí, morirse de miedo. Ahora, eso sí,
¡que me esperen muchos años!
La Gallina
COLOCADO POR: Logan
FECHA: 9 Sep 2005
Una gallina pone un huevo de MEDIO KILOGRAMO. Prensa, televisión, entrevistas..., todos detrás de la gallina.
- ¿Cómo ha logrado esa hazaña, Sra. Gallina?
- Secreto de familia...
- ¿Planes para el futuro?
- Poner un huevo de un kilo.
Los flashes de las cámaras se ensañan también con el gallo...
- ¿Cómo han logrado semejante hazaña, Sr. Gallo?
- Secreto de familia...
- Planes futuros?
- ¡¡Partirle la cara al avestruz...!!
COMENTARIO: ¡EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RAAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dos amigos (Y uno se ha hecho gay)
COLOCADO POR: Pablo
FECHA: 9 Sep 2005
Pos eso, se encuentran dos amigos que hace tiempo que no se veian. Uno de ellos se ha hecho gay pero le da corte decirselo al otro.
El que no es gay, le propone al gay: Vamos a celebrar que nos hemos vuelto a encontrar, nos compramos una botella de whisky y nos la mamamos.
El otro le contesta, ¡VALE Y LUEGO NOS BEBEMOS EL WHISKY!
COMENTARIO: Y el individuo que no es gay se debe estar diciendo, "¡Oh, oh! Que me trague la tierra..."
Oración de las mujeres
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 9 Sep 2005
San Antonio .............. ojala que encuentre novio.
San Alejo ................ que lo pueda hacer pendejo.
San Hilario .............. que me de todo el salario.
San Crispin .............. que me haga un rapidin.
San Erasmo ............... que me lleve hasta el orgasmo.
San Gabriel .............. que me sea siempre fiel.
San Canuto ............... que no me salga bruto.
San Eleazar .............. que me lleve a pasear.
Santo Tomas .............. que me quiera cada dia mas.
San Judas Izcariote ...... que lo tenga bien grandote (el sueldo).
El país al revés
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 25 Sep 2005
No te quiero Chile
mentiría diciendo que
este país me dio y dará satisfacciones,
tengo la certeza que
nada fue en vano,
siento dentro de mí que
la hipocresía es la forma de vida de este país,
no podría decir jamás que
este es un pueblo solidario,
siento cada vez más que
esta no es mi patria, ni mi pueblo,
no podría pensar que
este es mi país,
la verdad es que
este no es un pueblo patriota,
sería absurdo pensar que
estamos todos unidos,
y le moleste a quien le moleste
ésta es la realidad
Lo siento pero es hora de decir la verdad....
Pero como este es el país del revés... ahora léelo de abajo hacia arriba.
COMENTARIO: OK, pero ¿qué tal si reemplazamos a Chile por Puerto Rico, ah? PUERTO RICO... ¡PARA SIEMPRE!
Propiedades de la cerveza
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 25 Sep 2005
1. Quita la angustia.
2. Extingue la culpa.
3. Hace olvidar.
4. Suelta la lengua.
5. Afloja el calzon.
6. Aleja de la oficina.
7. Lima asperezas.
8. Arregla corazones rotos.
9. Acerca amigos.
10. Sirve de aperitivo.
11. Se te olvida el hambre.
12. Apresura desenlaces.
13. Causa rubores.
14. Elimina la timidez.
15. Afina tu voz.
16. Levanta tu animo.
17. Fomenta relaciones romanticas.
18. Te da calor.
19. Infla el tino.
20. Hace compadres.
21. Liga comadres.
22. Cierra tratos.
23. Abre puertas.
24. Aligera los caminos.
25. Acorta las esperas.
26. Festeja la compañia.
27. Cura la tristeza.
28. Aumenta la alegria.
29. Mejora la digestion.
30. Mata las lombrices.
Por eso y mas..............Salud!
Y despues de las 12:00 p.m.:
31. Saca la belleza escondida.
32. Paga de mas en el bar.
33. Mueve calles, postes, chapas de puertas y escaleras.
34. Abre cinturones y zippers, y arranca botones.
35. Baja pantis y boxers.
36. Disminuye el tino.
37. Provoca ronquidos y sobresaltos
Y ... a las 8:00 am:
38. Causa dolor de cabeza y sed.
40. Genera amnesia.
41. Provoca llanto y recriminaciones (¿Cómo me llamo? / ¡Me dijiste que me querias! / ¿Y ahora que vas a pensar de mi? / Te veias buenisima/ ¿Donde quedo mi cartera? / Te veias mas alto)
COMENTARIO: ¡Eso es así! Es más, esto tengo que celebrarlo con una fría... o dos... o tres... o...
Two New Offices
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 3 Sep 2005
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and A**holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Gay Man Meets Saint Peter
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 3 Sep 2005
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?," Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!," the devil replied.
An Old Occupation
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 6 Sep 2005
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
COMENTARIO: Y los viejos chistes como éste, nunca mueren... ¡siguen dando lata!
The Daily Activities Of:
FROM: A-1
DATE: 10 Sep 2005
DOG
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded—must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair—must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan...
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Another Top Ten List
FROM: Greg Evans
DATE: 8 Sep 2005
Okay, I'm tooting my own horn, but I don't care.
I was discussing my upcoming birthday with a friend when she asked me a question I couldn't resist answering...
How'd you get to be 45? (*opens door for a plethora of comments.....*)
Top Ten Reasons I Got To Be 45:
10) Years and years of practice and experience.
9) Learned to obey traffic signals at an early age.
8) Clung stubbornly to life despite mom's best efforts with the ball-peen hammer.
7) Successfully eluded that angry torch- and pitchfork-wielding mob.
6) Turns out, after all these years, that coffee is GOOD for you!
5) The assassin didn't really have his heart in it.
4) Too young to be on the "Hindenberg"
3) Hundreds of lavish, bloody sacrifices to Cthulhu.
2) Damn liver just *will* *not* give up!
...and the number one Reason I Got To Be 45:
1) Never stood on the big 'X' painted on the ground.
COMENTARIO: Total, si esto se parece a mi vida hasta el sol de hoy...
Pilot
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 14 Sep 2005
Seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
COMENTARIO: OOOOOOOOOOh, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh...
Retirement Option
FROM: Mikhail Esteves
DATE: 12 Sep 2005
This is another way to retire and don't worry about your children not taking care of you when you are old.
About 2 years ago my friend and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. And the rest can be put into the slot machines.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed everyday of the week)
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips and your casino winnings will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
COMENTARIO: ¡Mira qué bien! ¿Por qué a nadie se le había ocurrido esto antes?
Tombstone Writings
FROM: Larry & Carol Hedges
DATE: 22 Sep 2005
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903—Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
*****************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die
Young.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not
rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is
Strange.
******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
******************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Mugged
FROM: Littlewales.com Forums
DATE: 19 Sep 2005
COMENTARIO: Hay ocho millones de historias en 'la ciudad desnuda'... Y ésta... ¡no es precisamente una de ellas!
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
1957 Comments
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Sep 2005
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5,000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
PREGUNTA PREGUNTATIVA: Y de aquí a 2057, cuando los carros híbridos estén dondequiera, como el arroz blanco, ¿qué pensarán de cuando en 2005 nos matábamos buscando gasolina que costara menos de 80 centavos el litro (US$3.028 por galón)?
Shakespearian Prose
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 21 Sep 2005
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
COMENTARIO: ¡NO! ¿Y si el castigo hubiera sido que el niño se leyera los dos tomos del 'Quijote', ah?
President Bush sells Louisiana Back to the French
FROM: Larry Krzewinski
DATE: 26 Sep 2005
President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.
BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.
"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.
"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."
The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"
However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."
"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."
The money gained from ''The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.
COMENTARIO: Los reporteros internacionales Harry Speedstick y Penn de Haul, colaboraron en la peparación de este reportaje.
¡BONO!
The Solution
FROM: cahl...[AT]sbcglobal.net
DATE: 6 Sep 2005
Dear Continental, American Airlines, Southwest, Delta, United, et all:
I have the solution to prevent hijackings and get our airline industry back on its feet at the same time.
Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
COMENTARIO: ¡Avísenme cuando ese programa comience, para hacer mis reservaciones de inmediato! ;)
Page created on September 4, 2005. Updated on July 5, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.