Mayo de 2005
Sos cornudo, sabelo
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 2 May 2005
Dos amigos se encuentran, y uno le dice al otro:
- ¿Sabés lo que me pasó ayer?
- No. ¿Qué te pasó?
- Estaba en la oficina, y de pronto me vino un terrible dolor de cabeza, así que me fuí a casa más temprano, y resulta que cuando llego....... ¡¡¡Me encuento a mi mujer con otro .....!!!
- ¿¿¿¿Con otro tipo????
- No, boludo, con otro terrible dolor de cabeza .....¡jajajaja!
- Che, que buen chiste, como me hiciste caer - responde el amigo,- ya mismo me voy al bar a contárselo a los muchachos.
Efectivamente, llega al bar, y se encuentra con varios amigos suyos, a los que les dice:
- Muchachos ..... ¿Saben lo que me pasó ayer?
- No. ¿Qué te pasó? - responden a coro los amigos.
- Estaba en la oficina, y de pronto me vino un terrible dolor de cabeza, así que me fuí a casa más temprano, y resulta que cuando llego....... ¡¡¡Me encuento a mi mujer con otro .....!!!
Se hace un profundo silencio, hasta que uno de los amigos, le dice:
- Sí, nosotros ya sabíamos que tu mujer te estaba cagando, pero no sabíamos cómo carajo decírtelo.......
COMENTARIO: ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡UUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Los Ayunos
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 13 May 2005
Un día le contaron al Cardenal Errazuriz que los sacerdotes que trabajaban en la I Región cada fin de mes realizaban jaranas de amanecida con chicas, comilona y chupe. Asi que decide sorprenderlos. Va y los encuentra en las afueras de Arica reunidos a todos los curas haciendo los preparativos.
- Mons. -le dicen- ¿qué hace Ud. por aqui?, seguro le han contado de nuestros retiros mensuales....
- Sí-, le dice el Cardenal, como haciendose que no sabe nada, pero en fondo queriendo meterlos a todos a la hoguera.
- Bueno Mons. bienvenido, le dicen.
A eso del medio día el Cardenal pregunta a que hora era el almuerzo, y uno de los sacerdotes le dice,
- Mons. aqui somos pobres, y en nuestros retiros lo pasamos sólo a pan y agua.
Asi que todo el santo día se pasaron rezando y a pan y agua. Por la tarde Errazuriz, con mucha hambre y cansado dice a uno de los parrocos,
- Hijo necesito saber donde esta mi cama tengo mucho sueño y cansancio y quuero descansar.
- Mons, le dice el párroco, aquí nadie tiene una cama donde dormir, nuestros retiros son muy pobres.
El Cardenal afligido por lo que estaba viviendo, sólo a pan y agua y reza y reza todo el día, piensa y les dice,
- Hijos tengo que dejarlos, me acabo de acordar que mañana a primera hora tengo una diligencia urgente que realizar y me tengo que ir, asi que traerme hijos míos un caballo que debo marcharme.
El párroco le busca un caballo y lo envía. Más tarde inicia la jarana y en un momento le dicen al párroco,
- ¿Qué has hecho con el Cardenal?
y dice,
- Ese tipo de demonios se ahuyentan sólo con ayuno y oración.
¿Eres casada?
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez Meda)
FECHA: 9 May 2005
A las 4:00 a.m., un borracho llega a un edificio enorme y ve la ingente cantidad de botones que tiene el intercomunicador. Titubeante, presiona uno de los botones y cuando una mujer responde, con tartajosa voz pregunta:
"Oye ¿tú eres casada?"
"Sí, soy casada", contesta enojada.
"¿Y tu esposo esta ahí?"
"Sí y es karateca. ¿Quieres que lo despierte?"
"¡No, no, no, disculpe usted!", farfulla asustado el temulento.
Oprime otro botón y cuando le contestan se apresura:
"Oye, mi amor, ¿tú eres casada?"
"¡Sí, soy casada!", responde furiosa y con voz adormilada.
"¿Y tu marido está ahí?"
"Sí, si está. Él es boxeador. ¿Por qué? ¿Quiere que lo despierte?"
"¡No, no, no, perdón!"
Toca nuevamente el intercomunicador. Cuando alguien contesta el borrachín insiste:
"Oye, mi vida, ¿tú eres casada?"
"Sí, si soy casada".
"¿Y tu marido está ahí contigo?"
"No, él no está".
"Entonces, ¿puedes hacerme un favor?"
"¿Cuál?", pregunta extrañada.
"¿Podrías bajar a ver si soy yo?"
La Gorda
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez Meda)
FECHA: 10 May 2005
Se encontraban un grupo de muchachos en un baile con un problema de conciencia...
-¡Ándale! Animate y ve a sacar a bailar a la gorda para que nosotros saquemos a las amigas... -decia uno,
-Ah, y por que yo, sacala tu, o tu...
-No que, mejor que la saque él...
En esas estaban cuando viene llegando Juan Galán y les pregunta:
- ¿Qué pasa, qué andan haciendo...?
-Nada, aqui que no nos ponemos de acuerdo a ver quien saca a la gorda...
-Si quieren la saco yo...
-¿En serio...? ¡Órale pues...!
Se cruza entonces el galán toda la pista, llega hasta la mesa donde estaban las muchachas y dice:
-¡Órale pinche gorda! ¡A la chingada pa'fuera!...!
COMENTARIO: ¡Ea madre! ¿Pero qué rayos fue lo que entendió Juan Galán? ¡Qué individuo más BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Romance en n dimensiones
COLOCADO POR: guanaco
FECHA: 22 May 2005
ROMANCE DE LA DERIVADA Y EL ARCOTANGENTE
Veraneaba una derivada enésima en una pequeña casa situada en la recta del infinito del plano de Gauss, cuando conoció a un arcotangente simpatiquísimo y de espléndida representación gráfica, que además pertenecía a una de las mejores familias trigonométricas.
Enseguida notaron que tenían propiedades comunes.
Un día, en casa de una parábola que había ido a pasar allí una temporada con sus ramas alejadas, se encontraron en un punto aislado de ambiente muy íntimo. Se dieron cuenta de que convergían hacia límites cuya diferencia era tan pequeña como se quisiera. Había nacido un romance. Acaramelados en un entorno de radio épsilon, se dijeron mil teoremas de amor.
Cuando el verano pasó, y las parábolas habían vuelto al origen, la derivada y el arcotangente eran novios. Entonces empezaron los largos paseos por las asíntotas siempre unidos por un punto comun, los interminables desarrollos en serie bajo los conoides llorones del lago, las innumerables sesiones de proyección ortogonal.
Hasta fueron al circo, donde vieron a una troupé de funciones logarítmicas dar saltos infinitos en sus discontinuidades. En fin, lo que eternamente hacían los novios.
Durante un baile organizado por unas cartesianas, primas del arcotangente, la pareja pudo tener el mismo radio de curvatura en varios puntos. Las series melódicas eran de ritmos uniformemente crecientes y la pareja giraba entrelazada alrededor de un mismo punto doble. Del amor habia nacido la pasión. Enamorados locamente, sus gráficas coincidían en más y más puntos.
Con el beneficio de las ventas de unas fincas que tenía en el campo complejo, el arcotangente compró un recinto cerrado en el plano de Riemann. En la decoración se gastó hasta el último infinitésimo. Adornó las paredes con unas tablas de potencias de "e" preciosas, puso varios cuartos de divisiones del termino independiente que costaron una infinitud. Empapeló las habitaciones con las gráficas de las funciones más conocidas, y puso varios paraboloides de revolución chinos de los que surgían desarrollos tangenciales en flor. Y Bernoulli le prestó su lemniscata para adornar su salón durante los primeros días. Cuando todo estuvo preparado, el arcotangente se trasladó al punto impropio y contempló satisfecho su dominio de existencia.
Varios días después fue en busca de la derivada de orden n y cuando llevaban un rato charlando de variables arbitrarias, le espetó, sin más:
- ¿Por qué no vamos a tomar unos neperianos a mi apartamento? De paso lo conocerás, ha quedado monísimo.
Ella, que le quedaba muy poco para anularse, tras una breve discusión del resultado, aceptó.
El novio le enseñó su dominio y quedo integrada. Los neperianos y una música armónica simple, hicieron que entre sus puntos existiera una correspondencia unívoca. Unidos así, miraron al espacio euclideo. Los astroides rutilaban en la boveda de Viviany... ¡Eran felices!
- ¿No sientes calor? - dijo ella
- Yo sí. ¿Y tú?
- Yo también.
- Ponte en forma canónica, estarás más cómoda.
Entonces el le fue quitando constantes. Despues de artificiosas operaciones la puso en paramétricas racionales...
- ¿Qué haces? Me da verguenza... - dijo ella
- Te amo, ¡yo estoy inverso por ti...! ¡Déjame besarte la ordenada en el origen...! ¡No seas cruel...! ¡ven...! Dividamos por un momento la nomenclatura ordinaria y tendamos juntos hacia el infinito...
El la acarició sus máximos y sus mínimos y ella se sintió descomponer en fracciones simples.
(Las siguientes operaciones quedan a la penetración del lector)
Al cabo de algun tiempo la derivada enésima perdió su periodicidad. Posteriores análisis algebraicos demostraron que su variable había quedado incrementada y su matriz era distinta de cero.
Ella le confesó a el, saliéndole los colores:
- Voy a ser primitiva de otra función.
El respondió:
- Podriamos eliminar el parámetro elevando al cuadrado y restando.
- ¡Eso es que ya no me quieres!
- No seas irracional, claro que te quiero. Nuestras ecuaciones formaran una superficie cerrada, confía en mi.
La boda se preparó en un tiempo diferencial de t, para no dar que hablar en el círculo de los 9 puntos.
Los padrinos fueron el padre de la novia, un polinomio lineal de exponente entero, y la madre del novio, una asiroide de noble asíntota. La novia lucia coordenadas cilindricas de Satung y velo de puntos imaginarios.
Ofició la ceremonia Cayley, auxiliado por Pascal y el nuncio S.S. monseñor Ricatti.
Hoy día el arcotangente tiene un buen puesto en una fábrica de series de Fourier, y ella cuida en casa de 5 lindos términos de menor grado, producto cartesiano de su amor.
Ramita
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 24 May 2005
* Un tipo adinerado muy conservador quería casarse y buscaba una mujer virgen y lo más pura posible. Invitó a salir a una que le gustó y como prueba inicial cuando estaban solos el tipo se saco el pene y le preguntó:
- ¿Sabes qué es esto?
- ¡Esa es la verga! -respondió la mujer.
Piensa el tipo: 'muy vulgar, se ve que ha tenido muchos'. Y la descartó.
Invita a una segunda y le hace la misma pregunta y ella responde:
- Ese es el pene.
Piensa el tipo: 'muy educada. Puede conocer mucho y eso no me gusta'. Y la descartó. Invita a una tercera y le pregunta lo mismo. Ella responde:
- Esa es una ramita.
Piensa el tipo: '¡qué inocencia! ¡Ésta es la mía! Se ve que no conoce nada de sexo y cree que el pene es una ramita'. Le propuso matrimonio y se casaron.
Durante la primera noche la mujer cogió al ricachón y le hizo de todo, posiciones que él ni conocia, sexo oral, lo puso a chillar como un condenado, etc, etc. Al final de la primera sesión el tipo sorprendido le pregunta:
- ¿Por qué me dijiste que esto era una ramita?
- ¡Claro, esa es una ramita comparada con los troncotes que me he metido!
COMENTARIO: ¡UUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYY!
Aire Acondicionado
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 31 May 2005
Estaba un cliente dándole lata al mesero en un restaurante. Primero le pidió que encendiera el aire acondicionado porque tenía mucho calor. Un rato después pidió que lo apagaran porque tenía frío, al rato que lo volvieran a encender porque otra vez tenía calor... y así durante media hora.
El mesero, pese a que tenía que estar dando vueltas y vueltas, mantenía su buen talante atendiéndolo siempre con una sonrisa en la boca.
Después de un rato, otro cliente le preguntó que por qué no corría al enfadoso ese. El mesero le respondió:
-En realidad no me molesta. Ni siquiera tenemos aire acondicionado...
A Thought for Sunday 01/05/2005
FROM: Frankie Hahn
DATE: 1 May 2005
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"
COMENTARIO: Y seguramente el muy... morón se estará preguntando, "¿DUUUUUUUUUUH... qué me habrá querido decir?"
Psychiatrist
FROM: A-1
DATE: 3 May 2005
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?," asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts
FROM: A-1
DATE: 3 May 2005
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
COMENTARIO: Ésta me parece una buena idea... A ver, ¿quién se anima a organizar las reuniones? Yo me comprometo a poner el café y las galletitas...
If My Body Was A Car
FROM: A-1
DATE: 6 May 2005
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood...
Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it... almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... my radiator leaks!
COMENTARIO: Y lo peor de todo esto es que hace tiempo que este modelo está descontinuado...
Ladies vs Real Women
FROM: A-1
DATE: 7 May 2005
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Directions on Sara Lee frozen pies don't include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally, the most important tip...
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??!?!?!
Fear Factor for Seniors Receives Mixed Viewer Interest
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 1 May 2005
COMENTARIO: Nuestros reporteros de "Entretenimiento y Estilos de Vida", Pat Tulecco y Soba Melas, contribuyeron al siguiente reportaje:
Written by ej moore
Meemaw Mason: Not hip enough to win the prize.
HOLLYWOOD - Senior Fear Factor debuted this week to a captive aging audience and featured six spunky seniors vying for the coveted grand prize: Free Medicare benefits and lifetime accommodations at La Fonda del Muerta, the premiere senior care resort of the Caribbean.
The contestants—all between the ages of 65 and 80—seemed confident in their quest for the brass ring until the first challenge was announced: The Falling.
"Try not to be nervous," Dick Clark, host of Senior Fear Factor, told contestants. "If you become frightened, transfer your fear to your opponents. Give yourself the edge in this challenging competition."
Clark then led the contestants to The Falling's arena and explained the nature of the challenge. Each contestant was required to fall down and get up, completing the process within the landing zone.
"If you break a hip, you're out;" said Clark, "if you chicken out, you're out but you can break anything else and you are still in so good luck!"
The Falling's surface bore a striking resemblance to the popular backyard summer product, Slip 'N Slide. Clark quickly explained the secret means by which the surface was made slick. A special mixture of oil and hot wax was generously slathered on the arena's surface rendering the challenge far more threatening than previously imagined.
Meemaw Mason drew the least favored position, that of first to fall, and she warily approached the slippery surface. The clock was started but Williams broke down before she could complete her fall, crying that she had lied to Fear Factor officials.
Mason then confessed before international cameras that she had once undergone double hip replacement surgery, and the fear of being further immobilized was too horrific for her to endure. She collapsed from the stress, and the remaining five contestants stepped over her on their way to test their resolves. Nathaniel Knox, who drew second, then began his attempt at the prize.
Sadly, the show did not live up to critics' expectations as only two contestants out of 10 made it through the first challenge. Sponsored by Depends and GasX, Senior Fear Factor initially drew a large viewing audience but the show failed to complete its half hour time slot with both Hermione Pepperstein and Albert Covington-Trask failing to complete the second competition: Driving Without Excessive Turn Signalling.
"I was so scared I wouldn't remember to click it off it after I turned," said Pepperstein this morning on Fox and Friends. "I tried my best but the pressure was too great."
What could have been gold for NBC has seemingly turned to dust for studio planners. Viewer comments have been pouring in and NBC officials stated that the majority of callers felt there were simply not enough contestants.
NBC began immediate reformatting of the show, tentatively titled Senior Intimidation Island, in hopes a tropical setting will appeal to a wider audience. Challenges already planned for the program include Quickest Cutting Of Thick Toenails and a terrifying challenge incorporating Mexican food titled Hot 'N Spicy Flatulence Attack...
Certainly, hopes remain high at NBC to cash in on the current popularity of their original fear brainchild but only time will tell if they will once again reap high advertising revenues by manipulating gross panic and dread.
Greyhound to Capitalize on Un-Bridaled Marketplace
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 2 May 2005
Written by Brenda Gilpatrick
Previously known for transporting teenage runaways, Greyhound will now work to attract 'runaway' passengers of a different kind. In a hastily arranged press conference on Sunday afternoon, representatives of Greyhound announced new initiatives to attract and service the 'cold feet bridal' market—wanting to quickly capitalize on the cross-country gaunt made famous by Georgia native and runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks this past week. Greyhound executives were quick to note that 'runaway bridegrooms' would not be excluded from this specialty market.
Understanding that this customer base may be used to normally traveling via more upscale means, such as luxury vehicles or airplanes, Greyhound will begin providing special services and amenities, effective immediately. Haircuts will be offered at all Greyhound bus stations during operating hours to eliminate any further loss of self-esteem from a self-induced chopping. Recognizing that runaway brides and bridegrooms will be traveling without normal conveniences, care packages will be available from bus station attendants as well. In addition to basic toiletries, the kits also will contain a teddy bear and blanket for that eventual trip home.
To accommodate even the latest decision to escape, Greyhound welcomes brides in their gown attire. "Our two-seat structure makes this easy for us," one Greyhound representative noted. "However, some gowns will require both seats—particularly those traditional hoop skirts well-known in the South—and, in such an instance, we will have to charge double fare." Greyhound executives added they conducted a trial run with such a wedding gown in one of its bus' bathrooms... just to be sure it would accommodate the 'needs' of these passengers.
To get the word out, Greyhound will launch a new print and broadcast advertising campaign targeted to these customers. It will feature this headline: "Afraid to take that walk down the aisle? Try ours." Ads will feature the tagline: "New quicker service. Stop less. Run faster." Media placement includes popular bridal magazines and The Wedding Channel.
Greyhound recognizes that not all families will welcome their runaways back with open arms—and then be willing to foot the bill for an airline ticket home. For those customers, Greyhound offers a new 'RETURN HOME' half-price fare.
Greyhound executives admitted this opportunity opens a whole new marketplace for their company. "We want to be sure we are doing everything we can to nurture and satisfy this niche customer."
A Mistake!
FROM: Stipo
DATE: 8 May 2005
A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him.
Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake.
"You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Mine is Smaller!
FROM: Chris Aquarius
DATE: 11 May 2005
On a recent flight, I overheard an animated conversation between two jet set executives, behind my seat, who were boasting about their tools:
"Mine is smaller."
"No, mine is definitely smaller and faster - here, hold it on your hands and feel it."
"Yes, it does feel smaller, but probably no as fast a mine".
I always thought bigger was better, and slow and long-lasting was most important. So, I got curious as to what they were talking about. I got out of my seat and walked around, pretending to go to the washroom. As I peeked at them, I realized that they were talking about their computers!
COMENTARIO: Y yo todavía me estoy preguntando en qué estaba pensando el narrador del chiste... ¡Total! No todo lo que brilla es oro... ¿O será que "no todo lo negro es morcilla"?
Hells Angels to Take Over War on Terrorism
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 8 May 2005
COMENTARIO: Nuestro corresponsal internacional, Penn de Haul, se enteró de esta noticia cuando estuvo el otro día en Washington:
Written by K J Heitz
Al Queda won't know what hit them when the Hells Angels roll into Afghanistan
The Bush Administration plans to announce this week that the legendary motorcycle gang, Hells Angels, will be taking over the struggling war on terrorism.
President George Bush called on the notoriously violent gang in an effort to get some results in the war on terrorism before the November election and in response to the thinness of American troops, but also "because these guys are bad ass," Bush said Sunday.
"We're fighting some evil, sadistic blood-thirsty bastards," the president said of Al Queda. "My daddy always said, you gotta fight fire with fire." More than 80,000 motorcycle hooligans will be shipping out the day after Sturgis bike rally wraps up.
It has not been determined who will lead the gang, but it will not be the U.S. Military. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has promised the gang will have complete independence. "We'll pay to get them, their bikes and their weapons to Afghanistan, after that, they can do whatever they think needs to be done to eradicate the terrorists."
"The Hells Angels aren't just angry and violent, they're also creative," Rumsfeld said. "That's what we need to win this thing, creative violence. The Army is way too boring and predictable."
If Operation Crazy Bikers fails, the Bush Administration is said to be considering creating a new division of the Army made up of convicts.
32 Steps Toward Personal Growth and Fulfillment
FROM: A-1
DATE: 16 May 2005
1. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
2. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
3. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
4. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
5. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
6. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!
7. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
8. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
9. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
10. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
11. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
12. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
13. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
14. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
15. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
16. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
17. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
18. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
19. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
20. I am at one with my duality.
21. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
22. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
23. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
24. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
25. False hope is better than no hope at all.
26. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
27. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
28. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
29. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
30. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
31. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
32. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Top Tips For Cheapskates
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: Mon, 16 May 2005
COMENTARIO: He aquí algunas sugerencias para quienes ni siquiera llevan reloj... por no dar ni la hora... ni los buenos días... ni...
Top Tips For Cheapskates
~ Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
~ When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
~ Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
~ Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
~ Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the car until you return.
~ Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
~ Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
~ No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
~ Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
~ Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
[rec.aviation.piloting] Unidentified Ford Fiesta Penetrates Washington
FROM: Paul Tomblin
DATE: 17 May 2005
[Submitter's note: This is a parody of the recent incident where a Cessna 150, with a maximum carrying capacity of approximately two middle aged men and 5 gallons of fuel, prompted a panic in Washington.]
Subject: Unidentified Ford Fiesta Penetrates Washington
From: "Bob Chilcoat" <viewptmd[AT]optonlineREMOVE.net>
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.piloting
Unidentified Ford Fiesta Penetrates Washington City Center, Causes Government Shutdown
May 13, 2005, Washington DC (AP) - Terror and panic again visited Washington Today. This morning at 8:47 AM. traffic control personnel were suddenly aware that a 2003 Ford Fiesta, driven by an as yet unidentified driver, was entering the Washington DC City Center, and no one knew why it was there. Swat teams were immediately notified, and an effort was made to intercept the errant vehicle. Two DC Ford Police Interceptors were dispatched in an effort to identify and apprehend the driver.
In the meantime, Capital Security notified the Senate and the House of Representatives that the building was to be evacuated immediately because there was the potential that the Fiesta might be carrying a small nuclear weapon. Near panic ensued as Senators, Congressmen and various aids and lobbyists ran outside away from the buildings, or into underground bomb shelters. It was reported that there were several injuries as people were trampled in the melee.
At the White House, President Bush and the White House staff evacuated to the secure bunker below the West Wing, and the Vice President was whisked to an undisclosed location under his desk. For the next twenty minutes, all government work stopped while everyone in Washington attempted to cover their behinds.
The Fiesta was finally re-acquired on Connecticut Avenue by Police and Federal Security Agents, less than a mile from the White House. It is understood that with the vehicle so close to so many important people, a decision to fire on it with anti-tank missiles was only seconds way when the car suddenly stopped at a Dunkin Donuts. The driver was immediately tackled by approximately 20 uniformed and plain-clothes personnel, handcuffed, bundled into an unmarked GMC Envoy, and driven away. Eyewitnesses described the driver as a middle-aged woman with gray hair. The car was towed away by DC Police, presumably to be thoroughly searched for explosives or biological agents.
Thomas Nimrod, spokesman for the Federal Office Of Lamentable Security (FOOLS), issued the following statement this afternoon:
"A suspected terrorist was apprehended today after gaining access to an uncomfortable proximity to the White House. Investigations are continuing, but it is beginning to appear that the suspect may have been a commuter who was looking for a cup of coffee on the way to work. We will keep the media informed of further developments. In the meantime, let me reassure you that the system worked. Even if this particular incident proves to be a false alarm, it clearly demonstrates the risk that uncontrolled vehicles represent. We will continue with our diligent efforts to protect the very important people in our Capital."
--
Bob (Chief Pilot, White Knuckle Airways)
COMENTARIO: OK, pudo haber sido peor... ¡pudo haber sido un Ford Pinto! ¡O hasta un Yugo!
Grandma DOES NOT know EVERYTHING!
FROM: flicker
DATE: 17 May 2005
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo! Bueno y, ¿en qué estaba pensando esta abuela, ah?
For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in their history ..
FROM: A-1
DATE: 20 May 2005
For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in their history...
Back in the 1930s and '40's, before the interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .
a.. Trains don't wander,
All over the map,
'Cause nobody sits,
In the engineer's lap
- Burma Shave
b.. She kissed the hairbrush,
By mistake
She thought it was
Her husband Jake
- Use Burma Shave
c.. Don't lose your head,
To gain a minute,
You need your head,
Your brains are in it
- Burma Shave
d.. Drove too long,
Driver snoozing,
What happened next,
Is not amusing
- Burma Shave
e.. Brother speeder,
Let's rehearse,
All together,
Good morning nurse
- Burma Shave
f.. Speed was high,
Weather was not,
Tires were thin,
X marks the spot
- Burma Shave
g.. The midnight ride,
Of Paul for beer,
Led to a warmer,
Hemisphere
- Burma Shave
h.. Around the curve,
Lickety-split ,
Its a beautiful car,
Wasn't it?
- Burma Shave
i.. No matter the price,
No matter how new,
The best safety device,
In the car is you
- Burma Shave
j.. A guy who drives,
A car wide open,
Is not thinkin',
He's just hopin'
- Burma Shave
k.. At intersections,
Look each way,
A harp sounds nice,
But its hard to play
- Burma Shave
l.. Both hands on the wheel,
Eyes on the road,
That's the skillful,
Driver's code
- Burma Shave
m.. The one who drives,
When he's been drinking,
Depends on the car,
To do his thinking
- Burma Shave
n.. Car in ditch,
Driver in tree,
The moon was full
And so was he
- Burma Shave
And the all time favorite:
o.. Passing school zone,
Take it slow,
Let our little
Shavers grow
- Burma Shave
COMENTARIO:
Siga feliz,
Siga contento,
Pero por favor,
Siga leyendo.
- [Se Alquila Este Espacio]
Nun Runs Out of Gas
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 May 2005
A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there.
At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.
She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas.
She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car.
Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"
How to Sing the Blues... a Primer
FROM: A-1
DATE: 27 May 2005
a.. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
b.. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
c.. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
d.. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch—ain't no way out.
e.. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
f.. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
g.. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
h.. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
i.. Good places for the Blues: a. highway, b. jailhouse. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses.
j.. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.
k.. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt, b. you're blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis. Not if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401K or trust fund.
l.. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.
m.. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. muddy water, b. nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast.
n.. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
o.. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Fat River Dumpling.
p.. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie.
q.. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
r.. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.), c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
s.. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
COMENTARIO: Justo a tiempo para acompañar mi ánimo de esta semana que pasó...
Naked Sushi Girls on Western Menu
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 23 May 2005
COMENTARIO: Y pensar que en el año 2004 se habló de traer el concepto de la "chica sushi" a un restaurante de sushi de San Juan. Menos mal que a última hora la idea no se concretó...
Written by Harry Porter
A human banquet - but it doesn't work with fries and ketchup.
The Chinese government's ban on restaurants from serving food on the bodies of naked women has led to a flood of 'Sushi Suzies' trying to find work in the West.
But initial reports indicate the culinary requirements of a different culture don't quite work when served on a bed of nubile flesh.
One girl, offered employment in a steakhouse in Chandler, AZ, had to be treated for superficial burns after being scalded by fried onions, mushrooms and gravy.
A party of six male diners, who had each paid $150 for the eating experience, then went on a furious rampage, causing massive damage to the restaurant, when their 'meal' fled in tears.
Twins from the Yunnan Province fared little better in Rome, Italy.
Billed as an 'Oriental Double Delight', the girls were stretched out over four dining tables pulled together and adorned with orchids and seashells.
However, after olive oil-laden hors d'oeuvres, the subsequent pasta dishes invariably slithered to the floor, the girls complained that the forks tickled, objected to the liberal sprinkling of Parmesan and took sneezing fits when showered with freshly ground black pepper.
The supposedly erotic feast degenerated into farce as two near-naked girls, covered in congealed, garlicky tomato sauce, screaming objections to the smell of "sweaty feet", sneezed repeatedly over the tiramisu much to the disgust of the paying customers.
But there are those still determined to bring the human banquet to their own dining table and make it a success.
The James VII Golf Club, on the outskirts of East Kilbride, Scotland, offered a 'Sandwich Suzie' as an exotic treat for an all-male golf outing.
A stag party of 35 tucked into a DIY buffet aboard 23-year-old chemistry graduate Xiu-Mei Lhing.
The golfers found her laid out on the billiard table, two sliced loaves covering her breasts, butter in her navel, and cuts of corned beef, Spam, chopped pork and chicken roll covering her modesty and legs. Remaining areas of flesh were decorated with pickles, chutney and mustard.
While not the usual fare or client she was used to, Xiu-Mei said all behaved as perfect gentlemen—and she received £250 for 30 minutes work.
The Chinese government has forbidden this ancient eroto-eating practice because it "insults people's moral quality," according to the Beijing Times.
Page created on May 1, 2005. Updated on July 5, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.