Abril de 2005
La Oreja del Gallego
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 9 Apr 2005
El gallego está en el taller, tratando de hacer un corte difícil en una pieza de madera... De pronto se apoya en falso, la mano le patina y la sierra le corta la oreja. Desesperado, se pone a buscar la oreja... Un compañero lo ve agachado y le pregunta:
- Manolo, ¿qué te pasa? ¿Qué se te perdió?
- ¡Nada, que me corté la oreja y la estoy buscando!
El compañero, compadecido, le ayuda y a los pocos instantes la encuentra y le dice al gallego:
- ¡Mira, aquí está! ¡La encontré!
Y le contesta el gallego:
- No, esa no es la mía... Mi oreja tenía un lápiz arriba...
COMENTARIO: ¡Qué bruto!
En la UNAM
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 9 Apr 2005
En el departamento de psicología de la UNAM han inventado un detector de mentiras, y para probar su eficacia deciden probarlo sobre alumnos y profesores, escogiendo para ello a un estudiante de informatica, uno de medicina y otro de filosofía y letras.
Al comienzo de la prueba se advierte a los conejillos que sonara una alarma cada vez que digan una mentira.
Empieza el de informática y dice:
- Yo pienso que piratear programas debería estar prohibido por la ley.
Y la alarma:
-Piiiip, Piiiiip, Piiiiiip.
El de medicina dice:
- Yo pienso que nuestra carrera es de las más divertidas que...
- Piiiip, piiiip, piiiip, piiiip.
Y el de filosofía y letras dice:
- Yo pienso...
- Piiip, piiiiiip, piiiiiiiiiip....
COMENTARIO: Y si utilizaramos esta máquina en alguno de nuestros legisladores (especialmente sus líderes), de seguro la máquina acabaría completamente inservible...
Buenas Costumbres
COLOCADO POR: Fenhasan
FECHA: 11 Apr 2005
Durante una clase de moral y buenas costumbres, la profesora pregunta a sus alumnos:
-Miguel, si estás cortejando a una niña de buena familia, muy educada, y durante una cena íntima desearas ir al baño, qué le dirías?
-Espérame un momento, voy a hacer pipi.
-Eso sería muy grosero y mal educado de tu parte. Juanito, ¿cómo le dirías tú?
-Por favor discúlpame, pero debo ir al toilette. Vuelvo enseguida.
-Eso está mejor, pero sin embargo es desagradable mencionar toilette durante la comida. Y tú Pedrito, ¿serías capaz de utilizar tu inteligencia al menos por una vez para demostrar buenas costumbres?
-Yo le diría: "querida, te ruego disculparme, pero debo ausentarme un minuto, pues debo tenderle la mano a un amigo íntimo que espero presentarte después de la cena".
NOTA: Vea Good Manners, abajo.
Acertijo
COLOCADO POR: El Meda (Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda)
FECHA: 18 Apr 2005
Exactamente al mismo tiempo, dos hombres jovenes se encuentran en extremos opuestos del mundo: Uno esta caminando sobre una cuerda tendida entre dos enormes rascacielos, el otro esta recibiendo sexo oral de una anciana de 95 años. Los dos estan pensando exactamente lo mismo. ¿Qué es lo que estan pensando?
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡NO DEBO MIRAR PARA ABAJO!!!!!!
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡NO DEBO MIRAR PARA ABAJO!!!!!!
Cyber-Caperucita
COLOCADO POR: Logan
FECHA: 30 Apr 2005
Había una vez una usuaria de Internet, llamada K-perucita que estaba con sus amigos chateando en el canal #bosque. De pronto le llegó un e-mail de su mamá, que le decía:
"Hija, por attachment te mando adjuntos unos archivos para la página de Internet de tu abuelita. Por favor, mándaselos a su cuenta para que ella pueda montar su pagina Web".
Y así, la usuaria, cuyo nick name era K-perucita, se dispuso a abrir una ventana, y a subirle a su abuelita los archivos que le habían mandado.
Estaba haciendo un download del attachment desde su cuenta webmail, cuando de pronto le llegó un ICQ message de un usuario, de dirección e-lobo@hacker.bosque.com. K-perucita le contesto el ICQ message, E-lobo la saludo y le pregunto dónde iba.
K-perucita le contesto:
- Voy a la cuenta de mi abuelita, a subirle un software para que monte su pagina web.
Y así, E-lobo hizo un telnet por un atajo secreto, y llegó a la cuenta de la abuelita primero.
Cuando la cuenta de la abuelita le pidió login ID, ingresó "k-perucita", crackeó el password y entró. La abuelita, al ver que no era k-perucita sino otra persona, trató de cerrar al proceso, pero E-lobo fue mas veloz, le hizo un ataque a los ports que el firewall de la abuelita no estaba controlando, y cuando cayó le cambió el password. Luego se tomo privilegios de Operador en la máquina, y cambió el sistema operativo por uno diferente, que se parecía en todo, hasta en los gráficos y pantallas, al de la abuelita. Entonces se metió a la cuenta de la abuelita, y se hizo pasar por ella.
Al rato llegó K-perucita, y cuando entró, notó un poco cambiada la cuenta de su abuelita.
Entró en el Chat, y le preguntó:
- Abuelita, ¿por que tienes un espacio en disco tan grande?
- Es para almacenar mis archivos mejor.
K-perucita preguntó:
- Abuelita, ¿por que tienes esos gráficos tan novedosos?
- Es para administrar mis archivos mejor.
K-perucita sintió que algo raro sucedía ahí:
- Abuelita, por que tienes privilegios de Operador?
- Para HACKEARTE MEJOR!
K-perucita se dio cuenta de que esa no era su abuelita, y al pedir un requerimiento de detalles descubrió que estaba conectada desde e-lobo@hacker.bosque.com.
Inmediatamente mando un mail a security@cyberspace.cop.org para delatar al impostor. Este trato de bloquear su servidor de correo electrónico haciéndole un overload de memoria, pero K-perucita ya había hecho click en el botón para enviar el e-mail.
Al rato se conectó a la maquina uno de los investigadores de cyberspace.cop, que rápidamente obtuvo la dirección IP de E-lobo, le hizo un override a la máquina, se tomó privilegios de Operador y antes de que E-lobo se diera cuenta, le cerró el proceso y colocó un filtro para todo el dominio de E-lobo.
De la papelera de reciclaje del sistema operativo de E-lobo, se pudo recuperar la tabla de partición del sistema de la abuelita, por lo que se pudo recuperar toda su información. La abuelita pudo recuperar su trabajo y subió su pagina web a un promedio de 10 Kb/seg de transferencia. El site fue admirado por todos en el ciberespacio recibiendo numerosas visitas en poco tiempo.
logout...
COMENTARIO: Y colorín colorado, este chiste se ha desconectado.
Good Manners
FROM: Stipo
DATE: 8 Apr 2005
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p***."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend to whom I hope I might introduce you after dinner."
NOTA: Vea Buenas Costumbres, arriba.
Strange People Are Here
FROM: Eric
DATE: 2 Apr 2005
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine,' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
COMENTARIO: ¡Adi'ó! ¿Y entonces, quién es "gente extraña" aquí, ah?
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
FROM: A-1
DATE: 12 Apr 2005
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Colonoscopies
FROM: A-1
DATE: 15 Apr 2005
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!!!"
COMENTARIO: Y a todos éstos podríamos añadir: "Le doy 24 horas para salir de allí... ¡y ni un minuto más!"
Stupid Criminals
FROM: Chili Palmer
DATE: 11 Apr 2005
A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled—leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars.
COMENTARIO: ¡DIOS MÍO, PERO QUÉ BEEEEEEEEEEEESTIAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Poor Tom...
FROM: Chili Palmer
DATE: 12 Apr 2005
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?," he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die..... I'm too young," said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow........ then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!," said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Tom said, "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's sake!!! Wake up... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"
Employee Training Memo
FROM: St.M
DATE: 15 Apr 2005
Employee Training Memo
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming ( D.I.P S.H.I.T).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)
COMENTARIO: Y aunque usted no lo crea, esto se parece muchísimo a donde yo trabajo...
Leave the Hair Out of It
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 18 Apr 2005
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends.
Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver — to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."
Doggy Style
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 19 Apr 2005
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?," asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions."
"Not if you want to watch TV, there aren't!"
COMENTARIO: Y yo me imagino que esta pareja no le pierde "ni pie ni pisá" a Objetivo Fama... ¡aunque estén... you know!
Hollywood Installs Surveillance Cameras
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Apr 2005
COMENTARIO: Ahora que se está hablando mucho de la posibilidad de instalar cámaras de vídeo en sectores de alta incidencia criminal en Puerto Rico, veamos lo que nuestro exclusivo corresponsal internacional, Penn de Haul, recopiló para nosotros al respecto:
Written by Wulfmeister..er
Eat your heart out, London. Now we have our own!!!
LOS ANGELES, CA — The City Council has approved the installation and use of surveillance cameras in designated street corners within the Hollywood area. These cameras will be used by police to supplement the work of their street patrols and help deter crime.
"Oh, it's a great thing to have," said one of the police officers being interviewed back in headquarters as she sits in front of a bank of five monitors representing different cameras that are placed at traditionally high-crime areas all across the city. "We get to make sure we keep a close eye on certain elements of the population with the least amount of resources. It's like being in several different places at once."
Asked if she thought the expense of tens of thousands of dollars to install and maintain the cameras justify their use when the same result can be obtained by having existing units patrol the area, she responded, "Absolutely. One good thing about this is that these cameras free us to do the real important things while we 'watch' the monitors: things that we normally don't get to do before like play solitaire or minesweeper or Doom in the comfort and privacy of our Control Room during company time are now possible. We can also pay our bills online, join a chat room or upload our photos to an online dating service all the while scaring the low-lifes into thinking that they're being watched all this time, so there's the added benefit of a deterrent effect, 24/7."
Several of the low-lives have confirmed police claims of the cameras having a deterrent effect on their livelihood on subsequent interviews.
"Oh, no doubt about it. My agent warned me to take care never to have gratuitous pictures of me plying my trade unless they offer to pay for the privilege, and I certainly don't expect to see these cops walking around with open checkbooks anytime soon."
"I definitely concur," agreed another of the low-lifes, "aside from the danger that constant camera-time would leave us overexposed and less appealing to producers and film studios, we also would now be forced to spend several extra hours putting on make-up and getting our hair done just so we can look our best for the cameras before we even start our day, and that's just too much work if all you're going to be doing is sell crack all day. Forget that."
The City Council has scheduled a news conference later in the day to announce that based on initial data gathered, the crime rate has dropped to zero since the installation of the police surveillance cameras at the street corners in question.
In an unrelated news, the City Council has just announced that the crime rate has increased 100% a block away from all the intersections with cameras during that same time period.
How Often Man Have Sex
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Apr 2005
A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.
"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"
A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.
"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?"
A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.
"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?"
The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.
"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most typical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".
A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.
"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.
"Yes, only once a year".
"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.
"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...
In The Dark
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Apr 2005
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.
Wife: Yes, honey.
COMENTARIO: ¡Ah, de ESO se trataba entonces! Y yo que creía que el problema de ella era otro...
Some Future Quotes from Grandparents
FROM: Larry Krzewinski
DATE: 23 Apr 2005
Some Future Quotes from Grandparents
* "Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels to watch!"
* "You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that 'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing."
* "When I was your age, we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use a CELL PHONE!"
* "When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the bastards—right out of the can!"
* "Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car!"
COMENTARIO: Yo creo que debemos ir pensando en esto, desde ya...
2 Funnies
FROM: Stipo
DATE: 30 Apr 2005
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes—$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled... "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter—$50.00."
------------------------------------------------
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A Red Indian with One Testicle
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????
* You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
Proof that Vodka is Good for Your Brain
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 30 Apr 2005
Proof that Vodka is good for your brain: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300°C.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
Page created on April 10, 2005. Updated on July 5, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.