Noviembre de 2004
Diferencia
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 3 Nov 2004
¿Cuál es la diferencia entre el control remoto del televisor y el punto G?
Un hombre siempre está dispuesto a buscar el control remoto hasta encontrarlo.
COMENTARIO: Miren, con mucho gusto yo debatiría ese argumento, pero de momento estoy buscando el control remoto de mi DVD... ¡Con su permiso!
Promoción en la Gasolinera
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 4 Nov 2004
Un hombre va conduciendo su coche cuando al lado de la carretera ve una
estación de gasolina con un letrero:
"Gasolina y sexo gratis".
El hombre se detiene y entra a la estación. El encargado le dice:
-Para ganar gasolina y sexo gratis, escoja un número del uno al diez.
-Muy bien... ¡Tres!
-No, lo siento, espero que tenga más suerte otro día.
El hombre regresa varias veces esa misma semana, para ver si podía ganar gasolina y sexo gratis. Después de esos siete días no había tenido suerte, y le dice furioso al encargado:
-¡He probado todos estos días, pero aún no he ganado! ¡Estoy seguro de que este juego está arreglado!
-¡Claro que no!, -dice el vendedor. -Nosotros no hacemos trampa. Pregúntele a su esposa: ella ha ganado tres veces esta semana...
COMENTARIO: Como dice el rapero Daddy Yankee, "A ella le gusta la gasoliiinaaa..."
Clásicas Mentiras
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 4 Nov 2004
De ellas:
1. Soy virgen.
2. Yo nunca he andado de free.
3. Estoy confundida, no sé lo que quiero.
4. Contigo soy feliz.
5. Te quiero por lo que eres, no por lo que tienes.
6. Contigo me caso.
7. Por el momento no pienso tener novio, prefiero dedicarme a estudiar.
8. Mi ex era un patán.
9. Aún no estoy preparada, tal vez con el tiempo.
10. Nunca me había enamorado así.
11. Yo no soy como todas.
12. Este hijo es tuyo.
13. Te juro que fuiste el primero.
14. Te voy a amar hasta que me muera.
15. Empecemos desde cero.
16. En este momento te iba a llamar.
17. Sólo salí cinco minutos con mi mamá a la tienda.
18. Soy niña de familia.
19. Estaba borracha, no sabía lo que decía.
20. Le caes de pelos a mi papá.
21. Me imagino casada contigo.
22. Fue una prueba de mi amor, sólo por darte gusto.
23. Eres lo mejor que me ha pasado.
24. Me atraía muchísimo pero nunca tuvimos nada que ver.
25. Anduve con mi ex-novio cinco años, pero sólo de manita sudada.
De ellos:
1. No es que no te quiera, te mereces algo mejor.
2. Uno que otro free sí, pero poner el cuerno... nunca.
3. No hay nada entre mi ex y yo, sólo somos amigos.
4. Es que he tenido mil broncas, necesito un break, yo te llamo en la semana.
5. Te juro que no la quiero, sólo fue un free.
6. Yo no tengo vicios.
7. Por tí he cambiado tanto.
8. Por tí, dejaría todo.
9. La última y nos vamos.
10. Andale, nada más la puntita.
11. No todos somos iguales.
12. Cuando yo quiera, puedo dejar de fumar y tomar.
13. A nadie he querido como a tí.
14. Tú eres la única.
15. Es mi prima, es que desde los cinco años no la veo.
16. Mañana te lo traigo.
17. Nada más me eché tres chelas.
18. ¿Me crees capaz? Si ni en mis peores crisis lo he hecho.
19. Es que he tenido muchísimo trabajo.
20. Me voy a salir de mi casa.
21. Tengo problemas con mi esposa.
22. No la estaba viendo por morbo, es que me parece conocida.
23. Te juro que nunca te he mentido.
24. Te amo.
25. ¿Dudas de mí?
26. Soy hombre. (jajaja)
Mejores Momentos Comentados
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 5 Nov 2004
Algunos de los mejores momentos:
Enamorarse... y que te pongan el cuerno.
Reirse hasta que te duela la panza... y descubrir que tienes apendicitis.
Recibir mails... y que todos sean puras cadenas.
Manejar por un lugar lindo... y quedarte sin gasolina.
Escuchar tu cancion favorita en la radio... y que hable todo el tiempo el locutor.
Acostarte en tu cama y escuchar como llueve afuera... y que al día siguiente esté todo mojado porque no cerraste la ventana.
Aprobar tu último examen final... y que lo pierda el maestro.
Una llamada de larga distancia... y luego llega la cuenta.
Encontrarte triste y recibir la llamada de la persona que quieres... y que te diga que ya anda con alguien.
Encontrarte dinero en una chamarra que no usabas desde el invierno pasado... y que tu hermano te diga que se lo des porque la uso el día anterior y es suyo.
Reirte de ti mismo... por pendejo de darle el dinero.
Llamadas a la medianoche que duran horas...y no sabes cómo colgarles.
Reirse sin motivos... o sea, estar muy estúpido.
Tener a alguien que te diga que eres lindo/a... y que no te pele.
Reirse de un chiste tierno... y no haberle entendido, o sea, estar muy pero muy estúpido.
Enamorarse y saber que no es por primera vez, pero hoy sí estas enamorado... y que otra vez te pongan el cuerno.
Escuchar accidentalmente que alguien dice algo bueno de ti... y enterarte de que era puro choro porque sabian que estabas escuchando.
Despertarte y darte cuenta de que todavia puedes dormir un par de horas... y que te quedes jetón y no llegues a tu examen final.
Escuchar la cancion que te hacer recordar a "esa" persona especial... y también recordar que ya anda con otro.
Ser parte de un equipo... y que te saquen.
Hacer nuevos amigos... y que solo quieran bajarte lana.
Sentir cosquillitas en el estomago cada vez que ves a "esa" persona... y acordarte de que ya tiene novio, pinche necio.
Ver felices a las personas que quieres... y tú estar de la chingada.
Darle la mano o abrazar a una persona que quieres... y que te manche de algo.
Usar la chamarra de la persona que te gusta y que todavia huela a su perfume... y al del nuevo imbécil.
Volver a ver a un viejo amigo y sentir que las cosas no cambiaron... siguen igual de jodidas.
Mirar el atardecer... y que el sol te queme la retina.
Old Geezer
FROM: Mike Tillie Smith
DATE: 1 Nov 2004
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?," asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate us old geezers.
COMENTARIO: En otras palabras, el individuo es viejo, pero no... ¡tonto!
The Bus Trip
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 5 Nov 2004
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
One for the Farmers
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 5 Nov 2004
The city slick was spending some time with his country cousins. The first morning the farmer said, "We need some help today. I'd sure appreciate it if you could take the bull to pasture three to breed with the cow there."
The city slicker agreed. Six hours later, he staggered back to the farm house, his clothing all torn and disheveled. The farmer took a look, then asked, "The bull give you a problem?"
"Hell, no. The bull was eager and raring to go."
"Then why did it take you all day?"
"Because," the city slicker replied, "The cow fought me for hours before she'd roll over on her back."
COMENTARIO: OK, tal vez hay que leer esto más de una vez para captar la idea, pero creo que al final llegarán a la misma conclusión que yo. Así que repitan conmigo una vez más, por favor: "No es por elogiar al individuo de la ciudad, pero... ¡QUÉ CLASSSE 'E MORÓN!"
A Drunken Man
FROM: Marta Star
DATE: 6 Nov 2004
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing?," he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it," he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you?," asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
Una Persona Responsable
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 8 Nov 2004
El entrevistador:
-Para este puesto necesitamos una persona que sea responsable.
El entrevistado:
-No hay problema. En mi empleo anterior, cada vez que algo salía mal, decían que yo era el responsable.
Trabalenguas
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 12 Nov 2004
Corazón de chirichispa
y ojos de chirichispé:
tú que me enchirichispaste,
hoy desenchiríspame.
Me trajo Tajo tres trajes,
tres trajes me trajo Tajo.
Había una caracatrepa
con tres caracatrepitos.
Cuando la caracatrepa trepa,
trepan los tres caracatrepitos.
¡Qué triste estás, Tristán,
con tan tétrica trama teatral!
Doña Panchívida
se cortó un dévido
con el cuchívido
del zapatévido.
Y su marívido
se puso brávido
porque el cuchívido
estaba afilávido.
Si tu gusto gustara del gusto
que gusta mi gusto,
mi gusto gustaría del gusto
que gusta tu gusto.
Pero como tu gusto
no gusta del gusto
que gusta mi gusto,
mi gusto no gusta del gusto
que gusta tu gusto.
Me han dicho
que has dicho un dicho,
un dicho que he dicho yo,
ese dicho que te han dicho
que yo he dicho, no lo he dicho;
y si yo lo hubiera dicho,
estaría muy bien dicho
por haberlo dicho yo.
El trapero tapa con trapos
la tripa del potro.
En el juncal de Junqueira
juntaba juncos Julián.
Juntóse Juan a juntarlos
y juntos juntaron más.
Como poco coco,
poco coco compro.
El hipopótamo Hipo
está con hipo.
¿Quién le quita el hipo
al hipopótamo Hipo?
Teresa trajo tizas hechas trizas.
Papá, pon para Pepín pan.
¡Qué ingenuo es Eugenio!
¡Y qué genio tiene el ingenuo Eugenio!
Pepe Peña
pela papa,
pica piña,
pita un pito,
pica piña,
pela papa,
Pepe Peña.
Pablito clavó un clavito.
Un clavito clavó Pablito.
El cielo está engarabintantingulizado,
¿Quién lo desengarabintantingulizará?
El desengarabintantingulizador que lo desengarabintantingulice,
buen desengarabintantingulizador será.
Cuca cose en casa de Coco Suca.
¿Si de aquí nos caemos nos desnarizonaremos?
Mariana Magaña
desenmarañará mañana
la maraña que enmarañara
Mariana Mañara.
¡Botijón, desembotijónate!
Sombrero de jipijapa de la jipijapería.
No me mires que nos miran,
nos miran que nos miramos,
miremos que no nos miren
y cuando no nos miren
nos miraremos,
porque si nos miramos
descubrir pueden
que nos amamos.
A Thought for Sunday 14/11/2004
FROM: yet another yokel
DATE: 14 Nov 2004
Gordon's Law for Politicians: When you get a chance to get any podium—don't rush it, keep smiling, shake as many hands as possible, yell "John and Mary" (as many common names as possible), and upon arriving nod several times, grab both sides of the podium, lean forward slowly, look stern, stare at the back of the hall for several moments, etc. The idea is to open your mouth as little as possible.
COMENTARIO: OK, vamos a repasar esto, que cuenta para la nota del curso este semestre: ¿a cuántos candidatos vimos hacer buen uso de esta ley durante la pasada campaña electoral?
Sex Over 60
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Nov 2004
Let me assure you that sex over sixty can indeed be both deadly and very dangerous.
I strongly recommend pulling over to the curb first!
COMENTARIO: Fíjense, a mí nunca se ma había ocurrido pensar en esto. Pero entonces, ¿no deberían ponerle una advertencia que diga algo así como... "Unsafe at any speed"?
CHEER UP!!!
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Nov 2004
CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.
CHEER UP!!! Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but they voted for Clinton, and now they have to face the mirror with shame every morning.
CHEER UP!!! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.
CHEER UP!!! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
CHEER UP!!! The worse things get... the less you have to lose!
CHEER UP!!! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)
CHEER UP!!! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do!
CHEER UP!!! Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too. It's lewd to tell other people about their poo.
CHEER UP!!! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
CHEER UP!!! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.
CHEER UP!!! The time you spent reading this could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't care about anything.
Close But No Cigar
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Nov 2004
In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class.
At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?," he asked.
The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"
COMENTARIO: Para mí que este estudiante llegará muy lejos... ¡al fondo del barranco, si no al de la cuneta! De mi parte, esto se merece otra "light"...
1955
FROM: Mike Tillie Smith
DATE: 10 Nov 2004
A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel trying to start a conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his ribbons and decorations and said, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, i hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel glanced at his watch and said matter-of-factly, "I don't know. It's only 2130 now."
In Memoriam Juan Verdaguer
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 19 Nov 2004
Hay un antiguo refrán que dice: lo bueno si es breve es doblemente bueno. Así que buenas noches y hasta pronto.
Tengo tantos chistes para contarles que me siento como aquel sultán, que cuando cumplió 20 años le regalaron 50 hermosas muchachas, es decir, sé lo que tengo que hacer pero no sé por dónde empezar.
Me he pasado la vida estudiando el humorismo desde todo ángulo posible: sicológicamente, fisiológicamente, biológicamente, antropológicamente y estúpidamente.
El otro día fui a un siquiatra. Me pidió 1.000 pesos adelantados, yo le dije: "Doctor, es mi problema el que vengo a resolver, no el suyo".
No hace mucho falleció un humorista amigo mío en la mayor indigencia, con otros humoristas decidimos hacer una colecta para enterrarlo. Yo me dirigí a un señor y le pregunté si por favor quería donar diez pesos para enterrar un humorista, él me dio 30, y me dijo: "Tome, entierre a tres".
La vez pasada me recomendaron un doctor muy bueno. No como esos doctores que lo tratan a uno del hígado y uno se muere del corazón. Éste lo trata a uno del corazón, y uno se muere del corazón.
Papá era tan pobre que cuando pagaba el alquiler dos meses consecutivos, la policía llegaba a preguntar cómo había conseguido el dinero.
Todos los años la cigüeña venía con un hermanito más, bueno, la cigüeña ya no venía, vivía con nosotros. Cómo sería, que cuando papá llegaba a casa del trabajo, tenía miedo de preguntar ¿qué hay de nuevo?
Para dedicarse al teatro, hay que saber hacer algo, y yo sé hacer algo. Hay que tener audacia, y yo soy audaz. Hay que tener talento, y yo soy audaz.
No hace mucho tiempo estuvimos reunidos festejando el 101 de mi abuelo, que ya es algo que festejar. 101 años. Ahí nos reunimos todos los hermanos, primos, tíos, parientes, una fiesta lindísima. Fue una pena que él no estuviera ahí con nosotros... él murió cuando tenía treinta y siete...
Juan Verdaguer—insigne humorista. In Memoriam.
---
El Meda.
COMENTARIO: Al leer esto, me pregunto por qué ya no quedan humoristas así... (Si no lo sabremos acá en Puerto Rico, ya que perdimos a Don José Miguel Agrelot a comienzos de este año, y eso es mucho decir...) — LDB.
Interview With A Turkey
FROM: family
DATE: 19 Nov 2004
COMENTARIO: A continuación, su noticiero "¡Esto Está del C*****!" se traslada a la Penitenciaría Estatal para llevarles a ustedes la siguiente entrevista:
"You're scheduled to be executed in an hour. What's your story, how did you get here? Help me and my readers understand what's in your mind right now. One short hour. Why, you'll baste longer than that afterwards."
"Thanks for reminding me." He lights a cigarette, gripping his Bic with a taloned foot. "What's my story? I'll tell you my story, pal, I was born a turkey. You have no idea what it's like being a turkey in America."
"Tell us, we care, help us understand."
"Look, we're not pretty birds, we don't fly, what do you want from us? We got these gnarly red sacs hanging from our beaks. You know what our language is? Gobble, gobble. That's it. Every word in the turkey language consists of some form of gobble-gobble: gob, obble, ob, ob-ob, obble-gobble—that's the way we talk. We're a threat to no one. Yet, every Thanksgiving without fail, we are rounded up by the millions and cannibalized. And Thanksgiving isn't even our holiday."
He goes into a violent coughing fit, choking on the cigarette, his dewlap quivering. I wait patiently. Finally, he sips from a glass of water, regaining his composure.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, peachy freakin' keen. Do you realize that in a few short hours somebody's gonna make gravy out of my giblets? Now, that's just sick." He scowls at his cigarette, snubs it out in a cluttered ashtray. "Geez, nasty habit, smoking. Gonna kill me one of these days." A brief, humorless smile.
"So you feel that the Thanksgiving tradition is cruel and unusual?"
"You tell me. Is genocide by mastication cruel? You want unusual? Try this: When there is nothing left but bones, fatty deposits, and gristle, I will be made into soup. Turkey skeleton soup. Who in their right mind would eat turkey skeleton soup? What's wrong with fish? Isn't that the other white meat? Big fat catfish goes good with cranberries. I thought you people were obsessed with your red meat. Why can't Thanksgiving be a steak day? Or deer meat, chicken, possum, dog, or a cat, I don't care, but in the name of all that's holy, please leave us turkeys in peace."
"What do you think of turkey bowling?"
"I think turkey bowling stinks. Next question."
"Would you support a Constitutional amendment that would make the killing of a turkey with the intention of eating it, a Hate Crime?"
"Well, the problem, you see, is that I am a turkey, and last time I looked turkeys hadn't been given the vote. But even if we were U.S. citizens, we'd still just be a bunch of turkeys, and what's that going to do?"
"Do they give you a final meal in here?"
"Yeah. Pellets. Same thing they give us every meal. Tasteless brown pellets that we eat off the ground. I don't even know what it is."
"It might encourage you to know that there is a candlelight vigil being held outside right now in support of your right to life."
"Oh how sweet. Supper tonight, they'll be fighting over who gets the leg."
"That's kind of cynical, don't you think?"
"I meant it in a good way."
"Do you have any final thoughts you'd like to share with us?"
"Maybe just that I'll be dead soon and the flesh gnawed from my bones."
"Well, I was thinking of something more upbeat. Can you tell us, for example, what you're most thankful for this holiday season?"
"Well, I've got my health. I'm thankful for that."
"Would you do something for me? Would you wish my readers Happy Thanksgiving in Turkey language ?"
"Sure. Gobble gobble."
A Thought for Sunday 21/11/2004
FROM: another yokel
DATE: 21 Nov 2004
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning alive. "Wonderful!," exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is singing."
"Singing?," said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
Romeo and Juliet, Internet Version
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 15 Nov 2004
-------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Login:
Romeo: R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this... am now poisoning & and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger. Ow!!!
It's a Miracle
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 16 Nov 2004
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
COMENTARIO: ¡Milagro! ¡Milagro! ¡Milagro! (Por cierto, ¿alguien sabe si esta vaca vuela también?)
The School Play
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 18 Nov 2004
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope!"
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark! A pistol shot!"
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. Well, the curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
And so the first boy yelled out these unforgettable words, "My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!"
The second boy screams out, "Hark! A shistol pot... a postle shiss, a pot of shit, OH, BULL SHIT... I never wanted to be in this stupid, lousy play anyway!"
Visitas
COLOCADO POR: Logan
FECHA: 26 Nov 2004
Llega un tipo a su casa y decide sorprender a su mujer, entra y ve que en la sala está la ropa de su mujer tirada en el piso, sube al cuarto y en el pasillo ve más ropa tirada, entonces saca su arma creyendo que su mujer esta con el amante, entra y ve que dos personas están haciendo el amor entre las sábanas, no las distingue bien pero ¡bum! les dispara.
Entonces baja a la cocina a tomar un poco de agua y ve a su mujer tomando agua ahí, entonces el hombre dice:
"Amor, ¿no estabas en el cuarto?"
Y la mujer le responde:
"No, me olvidé de decirte que tus padres vinieron de sorpresa y están en nuestro cuarto."
COMENTARIO: ¡EEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRAAAAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Papi Nuestro
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 24 Nov 2004
ORACIÓN DE UNA FRESITA CRISTIANA
Papi miooo ke estas en el cielooo...
Santificado mil sea tu nombre.
Venga tu reino a nosotros, y has tu voluntad O sea, así como en el cielo, igual en la tierra ¿¿¿si???..
Perdóname por esas cosas que a veces hago que, yo asi, o sea ¡noooo!... nada que ver contigo, Así como yo perdono a los que me hacen cosas en mal plan.
Bendice a mi prójimo, a mi papi, a mi mami, a los malacopa, al niño que me gusta y toda la proletarizada (nacos, cholos, feoooos!, etc.) que me rodean.
No dejes ke caiga en tentación, porque, o sea, tú sabes que el diablo es malísima onda y me quiere hacer cosas.
No dejes que se me pegue lo naco, Enséñame a ser tan nice como tu...
Porque tuyo es el reino, el poder, la gloria, o sea, eres otro nivel... tipo tú aquí y el satán por allá. Y además eres hiper cool, o sea, si me entiendes, ¿¿no?? ¡poca madre! Contigo todo fresh.
Gracias por todo, vales mil, eres súper buena onda... never change, Santo eres por siempre Amen, ¿ok?
sale ¡bye! ¡te cuidas! xoxo
A Thought for Monday 22/11/2004
FROM: another yokel
DATE: 22 Nov 2004
Things You'll Never See On The Office Inspirational Posters:
"You pretend to work and we'll pretend to pay you."
COMENTARIO: Duuuuuh... ¿Dónde yo habré visto eso antes?
The Lonely Guy
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 23 Nov 2004
Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building—a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says, "Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single!"
Say Only at Thanksgiving
FROM: Joe Ragman
DATE: 24 Nov 2004
Things I can only say this week at Thanksgiving and get away with it.
1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.
You Might Be A Redneck This Holiday If:
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 26 Nov 2004
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
Suspicious Wife
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 26 Nov 2004
"My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world," complained Morris, the harried husband to a sympathetic friend.
Last year she found a blond hair on my jacket and she didn't speak to me for a week. Six months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt collar... and there was no sex for a month.
"That's not so bad"...said the friend.
"Oh yeah," said Morris, "Yesterday she beat me over the head with a pan, screaming and claiming because she found no hairs in six months... that I am now going out with bald women!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Caramba! Lo de esa señora ya es una exageración...
A un hombre se le muere la suegra
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 29 Nov 2004
A un hombre se le muere la suegra y se dirige al periódico para publicar el obituario. El hombre entra a la oficina de anuncios y dice:
- Quiero poner un anuncio por la muerte de mi suegra.
- Muy bien señor, le adelanto que son 10$ por palabra.
- Murió Josefina.
- Disculpe, creo que no me explique bien, son mínimo 5 palabras, o sea 50$.
- Pero yo solo quiero gastar 20$.
- Ya le dije que no puede ser, así que si quiere se va un rato y vuelve con las 5 palabras...
El hombre se va molesto y regresa a los 10 minutos y dice:
- Ya sé qué poner en el anuncio...
- Sí, dígame...
- Murió Josefina...
- ¿¿¿Y las otras 3 palabras???
- ¡¡Vendo Toyota Corolla!!
Oops
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 30 Nov 2004
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.
A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."
"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking."
COMENTARIO: La próxima vez que yo vaya de viaje, si puedo evitar ÉSTA línea aérea... ¡mucho mejor!
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.