Julio de 2004

El Cura y sus pajaritos
COLOCADO POR: A Soberon
FECHA: 2 Jul 2004

Un cura aficionado a la ornitología tenía dos pájaros.

Todos los días los soltaba para que volaran y éstos siempre regresaban a sus jaulas.

Pero un día sólo regresó uno, así que el sacerdote decidido, en la misa de 12 del domingo preguntó:

"¿Quién tiene un pájaro?"

Todos los hombres se levantaron.

"No, no me expliqué bien.  ¿Quién ha visto un pájaro?"

Todas las mujeres se levantaron.

"¡No, no!  Lo que quiero decir es: ¿quién ha visto mi pájaro?"

Todas las monjas se levantaron...

COMENTARIO: Y los monaguillos ni se dieron por enterados...

Missing Bike
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 1 Jul 2004

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church.  They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking.  Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking.  "My, what happened to your bike?"

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your bike back?"

"Yeah."

"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.

"Hey, I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of.  I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the bike."

COMENTARIO: A mí me parece que este ministro debió haberse aplicado el cuento hace raaaaaaaaaaaaato...

If Money Could Talk
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 1 Jul 2004

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been?  I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.  How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

COMENTARIO: O sea, tanto tienes, ¿tanto vales?

Scripture?
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 1 Jul 2004

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.  She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"  (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)  The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to you."

"Scripture?," replied the burglar.  "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

EN ESPAÑOL, ESA CITA BÍBLICA LEE ASÍ: Vuélvanse a Dios y bautícese cada uno en el nombre de Jesucristo, para que Dios les perdone sus pecados...  (Hechos 2:38, Versión Dios Habla Hoy, CELAM, 1983)

The Balls of Sports
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 2 Jul 2004

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Para leer de ida y de vuelta
COLOCADO POR: manuel
FECHA: 8 Jul 2004

COMENTARIO: Justo a tiempo para el comienzo de la campaña con miras a las elecciones generales del día 2 de noviembre de 2004 en Puerto Rico, nos llega esta joya del discurso político:

Discurso modelo para los políticos
(Leer hasta el final)

"En nuestro partido político
Cumplimos con lo que prometemos
Sólo los necios pueden creer que
No lucharemos contra la corrupción.
Porque si hay algo seguro para nosotros es que
La honestidad y la transparencia son fundamentales
Para alcanzar nuestros ideales.
Demostraremos que es una gran estupidez creer que
Las mafias seguirán formando parte del gobierno
Como en otros tiempos.
Aseguramos sin resquicio de duda que
La justicia social será el fin principal de nuestro accionar.
Pese a eso, todavía hay idiotas que fantasean - o añoran - que
Se pueda seguir gobernando con las mañas de la vieja política
Cuando asumamos el poder,
Haremos lo imposible para que
Se acaben los privilegios y los negociados
No permitiremos de ningún modo que
Nuestros niños mueran de hambre
Cumpliremos nuestros propósitos aunque
Los recursos económicos se hayan agotado
Ejerceremos el poder hasta que
Comprendan desde ahora que
Somos la nueva política".

Si te entusiasmaste con este discurso, o no (!) reléelo nuevamente de abajo hacia arriba, renglón por renglón.  Así comprenderás su verdadero significado.

X-Rated Videos
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 4 Jul 2004

COMENTARIO: Y siguiendo con el tema, ya que acaba de comenzar la fase intensa de nuestra campaña electoral, seguramente acá también veremos discursos como éste:

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once.  If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community."

He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"

COMENTARIO: Ejem... yo iba a preguntar eso... pero ya se me adelantaron... ;)

A Little Testy
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Jul 2004

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.  ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

COMENTARIO: ¡¡¡¡¡UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

School Excuses From Parents
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Jul 2004

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being.  It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria.  She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.  Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11—16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever.  There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.  She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe.  She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*) the shits.

Sign
FROM: Validator
DATE: 8 Jul 2004

COMENTARIO: No es lo que se dice, sino CÓMO se dice...

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End is Near!  Turn Yourself Around Now...Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, the two men heard screeching tires and a big splash.  The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say, "Bridge Out?"

Silver Lining
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 9 Jul 2004

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call.  When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.  They had been shot to death.  When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied.  "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

"No way.  You're on."

The old sheriff arrived at the scene.  "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.  "It was a double murder and suicide."  After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?  There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead.  It couldn't have been worse."

"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the floor?  If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"

Laid Off
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 9 Jul 2004

A man had just been laid off from work.  He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.  He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.  "Thank you," he said.  "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing?  I'm not dancing!," the armless man replied bitterly...  "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Mandamiento del Vago
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 14 Jul 2004

COMENTARIO: Yo iba a escribir un comentario aquí... pero creo que lo dejaré para luego... ¡es que estoy tan cansa'o!

Mandamiento del Vago

a.. Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar.
b.. Ama a tu cama como a ti mismo.
c.. Si ves que alguien descansa, ayúdalo!
d.. No hagas hoy lo que puedas hacer mañana.
e.. Si te dan ganas de trabajar, siéntate, y espera a que se te pase.
f.. De mucho descansar nadie se murió.
g.. Descansa de dia para que puedas dormir de noche.
h.. El trabajo es sagrado, no lo toques.
i.. Si el trabajo es salud, viva la enfermedad!
j.. Nunca nadie ha muerto por descansar.

Ramera cabrona
COLOCADO POR: Omicron
FECHA: 12 Jul 2004

Llega un "sano" hombre a su casa a altas horas de la noche... ¡en un estado lamentable a la vista y olfato, por supuesto!  Y entre los mareos al verse incapaz de abrir el portón de su propia residencia empieza a llamar a su esposa:

"¡¡¡Ramera cabrona!!!  ¡¡¡¡rameeeeeeera cabroooooona, abrime la puerta!!!!"

A lo que la mujer responde:

"¡¡¡¡¡Borracho de mierda... ya que dije mil veces que me llamo Ramona Cabreeeeera!!!!!"

Useful Military Warnings
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 12 Jul 2004

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

COMENTARIO: Yo no sé, pero si los soldados estadounidenses que están actualmente en Irak no hacen caso a estas advertencias... ¡que no se quejen después!

Redneck Wrestelling
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 12 Jul 2004

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube.  At the end of the match was an advertisement.  A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea.  He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy.  He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp."  Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up.  An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such.  Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips.  The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold.  Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting.  Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up.  In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,

"Don't worry buddy.  I can avoid that pretzel thing."  But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms.  He was pissed.  He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds.  But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild!  Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one arm raised in the air by the referee.

Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba.  The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened.  Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost.  I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten.  Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls.  I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help.  So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said, "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

COMENTARIO: ¿Quién dijo que el tipo, por ser un redneck era automáticamente bruto, ah?

Knock On Their Door
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 16 Jul 2004

An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night.  Jerry, the husband gets up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man at the door.

"Oh, this is terrible, I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!," the old man screamed.

"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust.  "I am a rapist!"

"Oh, thank goodness!," said Jerry with much relief.  Then he shouted to his wife, "Elaine, it's for you!"

COMENTARIO: No es por elogiar a Jerry, pero... ¡QUÉ CLASE DE IMBÉCIL!

María ¿qué haces desnuda en la cama?
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 19 Jul 2004

El marido que entra en su casa a las 11 de la mañana:

-¡María qué haces desnuda en la cama!

-Es que no tengo nada que ponerme.

El marido abre el armario y dice:

-Cómo qué no tienes nada que ponerte, mira: un vestido, dos vestidos, tres vestidos, buenos días, cuatro vestidos,...

Adán y Eva
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 21 Jul 2004

Iba caminando Adán por el paraíso, cuando de pronto le sale la serpiente y le dice:

-¡Oye, güey!  ¡Ven para acá!

-¿Qué?  ¿A quién le hablas?

-Pues a ti, ¿cuál otro?  ¡Los demás todavía ni nacen!

-Ah pos sí, ¿verdad?...Ejemm... ¿Por qué me dices así?

-¿Como que por qué?  Teniendo una vieja tan buena como Eva no le haces nada.  Dale un beso de perdida güey.

-¿Qué es un beso?

-¡Ah... si pa'bruto no se estudia!  Toca sus labios con los tuyos.

-Ah, bueno. ¡Para allá voy!

Y que corre Adán a darle un beso a Eva.

Y minutos después regresa contentísimo.

-Ya vine y le di un beso a Eva.  ¡Se siente pocamadre!

-Aah, ¿ya ves?  ¡Estoy seguro que ni siquiera un abrazo le has dado!

-¿Abrazo?  ¿Qué es eso?

-Pues tomarla con tus dos brazos güeyy.  ¡Un agasajo!

-Ah bueno, ahorita vengo, voy a abrazar a Eva.

Y minutos después, regresa Adán contento y excitadísimo.

-¡Ya vine!  Besé y abracé a Eva.  ¡Me la agasajé!...  ¿Qué más?

-Uf, ¡que bruto eres!  ¿A poco no has tenido relaciones sexuales con la Eva?

-¿Relaciones sexuales?  ¿Qué es eso?

-Sexo... ¿no sabes? ¡'uta madre!  Deja, te explico... mira eso que traes ahi....bla, bla, bla, bla,...

-Ah, ahorita vengo!  ¡Un cojín y me regreso!

Después de 2 minutos regresa Adán medio frustrado.  Y la serpiente le pregunta:

-¿Que onda, campeón?  ¿Tan pronto?  ¿Ya te la echaste?

-No, la verdad no...  Oye, ¿qué es un dolor de cabeza?

COMENTARIO: O sea, ¿eso no es de nuestros días?

Clases de Nahuatl para mexicanos
COLOCADO POR: A Soberon
FECHA: 22 Jul 2004

Aquellos que no sean mexicanos no van a entender NADA.

Y no pidan explicaciones porque está en Náhuatl.

Antonio

=====================================

CLASES DE NAHUATL

No has cambiado nada = Iztacihuatl
Esta casucha = Iztapalapa
Caballero guerrero = Lancelotl
Valet parking = Cuitlacoche
Cincuenta por ciento = Mitla
Proteger el alimento = Cuitlapan
De observancia obligatoria = Ahuehuete
Seno de gran tamano = Chichotla
¿Ya usaste el olfato? = ¿Ollin yoliztli?
¡Que enfermo está! = !Chimalistac!
Enemigo de Batman = El huazontle
¡Está padrísimo! = !Tezcatlipoca!
Los patos de mi propiedad = Mixcoac
Yo robo con frecuencia = Atlacomulco
Sanitario en el maizal = Cacahuamilpa
Padece de sus facultades mentales = Tlatelolco
Cobardía = Cocoyoc
Si quiero postre = Huichilopoztli
¿Qué onda amigo? = ¿Quetzacoatl?
Agua sucia = Chalco
¿Estás satisfecho? = ¿Cacomixtle?
Quién sabe = Zempa suchitl
Patito = Chiconcuac
Mujer buenona = Chichicuilote
Noche de amor exitosa = Apapalote
Mujer abandonada = Xola

COMENTARIO: Pero, ¿quién dijo que esto es sólo para los mexicanos?  Yo no lo soy y entendí estas palabras muy bien...

Company Motivation Posters You'll Probably Never See
FROM: The Good, Clean Funnies List (GCFL.net)
DATE: 19 Jul 2004

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. It's only unethical if you get caught.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. We put the "k" in "kwality."
5. If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9. We make great money!  We have great benefits!  We do no work!  We are union members!
10. 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
11. Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
12. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
13. Never quit until you have another job.
14. The floggings will continue until morale improves.

COMENTARIO: Yo como que llevo mucho tiempo de estar viendo estos mensajes... ¡desde que empecé a trabajar en el Departamento de Recursos Naturales y Ambientales!

The Ultimate Guide To What NOT To Put On A Resume
FROM: The Good, Clean Funnies List (GCFL.net)
DATE: 20 Jul 2004

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Personal interests: Donating blood.  15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate—especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs.  Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting.  I can also stand on my head!"

Resumania
FROM: The Good, Clean Funnies List (GCFL.net)
DATE: 21 Jul 2004

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters.

Here's some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some.  If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling.)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

"Married, eight children.  Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

"Work history: Bum.  Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
(So you're willing to travel?)

"Previous experience: Self-employed—a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

A Thought for Sunday 25/07/2004
FROM: yet another yokel
DATE: 25 Jul 2004

Tourist to New Yorker:

"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I just go fuck myself?"

COMENTARIO: A mí me parece que cuando se trata de la ciudad de Nueva York, un turista precavido vale por dos...

Stopped An Old Jewish Man
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Jul 2004

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills.

"Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco.  I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I say.... "Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife! "

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."

The General's Valet
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 23 Jul 2004

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said.  "Nothing to it—you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

Sueldos
COLOCADO POR: oper
FECHA: 29 Jul 2004

Sueldo Cebolla: Lo ves, lo agarras... y te pones a llorar.
Sueldo Canalla: No te ayuda en nada, sólo te hace sufrir, pero no puedes vivir sin él.
Sueldo Dietético: Te hace comer cada vez menos.
Sueldo Ateo: Ya dudas de su existencia.
Sueldo Mago: Haces un par de movimientos y... desaparece.
Sueldo Tormenta: No sabes cuándo va a venir, ni cuánto va a durar.
Sueldo Humor Negro: Te ríes para no llorar.
Sueldo Preservativo: Te corta la inspiracion y te quita las ganas.
Sueldo Impotente: Cuando más lo necesitas, te abandona.
Sueldo Menstruación: Viene una vez al mes y dura 3 días.
Sueldo Walt Disney: Hace 30 años que esta congelado.
Sueldo Eyaculación Precoz: Apenas ingresa... ¡¡ya se acabó!!

La Creación del PC
COLOCADO POR: Logan
FECHA: 29 Jul 2004

1. En el principio DIOS creó el Bit y el Byte.  Y de ellos creó la Palabra.
2. Y había dos Bytes en la Palabra; y nada más existía.  Y Dios separó el Uno del Cero: y vio que era bueno.
3. Y Dios dijo: que se hagan los Datos; y así pasó.  Y Dios dijo: Dejemos los Datos en sus correspondientes sitios.  Y creó los disketes, los discos duros y los discos compactos.
4. Y Dios dijo: que se hagan los computadores, así habrá un lugar para poner los disketes, los discos duros y los discos compactos.  Y Dios creó los computadores, y les llamó hardware.
5. Pero aún no había software. Y Dios creó los programas, grandes y pequeños...  Y les dijo: Id y multiplicaos y llenad toda la memoria.
6. Y Dios dijo: crearé el Programador; y el Programador creará nuevos programas y gobernará los ordenadores y los programas y los datos.
7. Y Dios creó al Programador; y lo puso en el Centro de Datos; y Dios le enseñó al Programador el Directorio y le dijo: Puedes usar todos los volumenes y subdirectorios, pero NO USES Windows.
8. Y Dios dijo: no es bueno que el Programador este solo.  Cogió un hueso del cuerpo del Programador y creó una criatura que miraría al Programador; y admiraría al Programador; y amaría las cosas que el programador hiciese.  Y Dios llamó a la criatura el Usuario.
9. El Programador y el Usuario fueron dejados en el desnudo DOS, y eso era Bueno.
10. Pero Bill era más listo que todas las otras criaturas de Dios.  Y Bill dijo al Usuario: ¨Te dijo Dios realmente que no ejecutaras todos los programas?"
11. Y el Usuario respondió: Dios nos dijo que podíamos usar cualquier programa y cualquier pedazo de datos, pero nos dijo que no ejecutasemos Windows o moriríamos.
12. Y Bill le dijo al Usuario: "¿Cómo puedes hablar de algo que incluso no has probado?  En el momento en que ejecutes Windows serás igual a Dios.  Serás capaz de crear cualquier cosa que quieras con el simple toque del ratón."
13. Y el Usuario vio que los frutos del Windows eran más bonitos y fáciles de usar.  Y el Usuario vio que todo conocimiento era inútil, ya que Windows podía reemplazarlo.
14. Así el Usuario instaló Windows en su ordenador; y le dijo al Programador que era bueno.
15. Y el Programador empezó a buscar nuevos controladores.  Y Dios le preguntó: "¿Qué buscas?"  Y el Programador respondió: Busco nuevos controladores, porque no puedo encontrarlos en el DOS.  Y Dios dijo: "¿Quién te dijo que necesitabas nuevos controladores?  ¿Acaso ejecutaste Windows?"  Y el Programador dijo: fue Bill quien nos lo dijo...
16. Y Dios le dijo a Bill: Por lo que hiciste, serás odiado por todas las criaturas Y el Usuario siempre estará descontento contigo.  Y siempre venderás Windows.
17. Y Dios le dijo al Usuario: por lo que hiciste, el Windows te decepcionará y se comerá todos tus recursos; y tendrás que usar malos programas; y siempre permanecerás bajo la ayuda del Programador.
18. Y Dios le dijo al Programador: por haber escuchado al Usuario nunca serás feliz.  Todos tus programas tendrán errores y tendrás que corregirlos y corregirlos hasta el final de los tiempos.
19. Y Dios los echó a todos del Centro de Datos y bloqueó la puerta con una clave de acceso.

COMENTARIO: Si esto es el Génesis... ¡cómo será el Apocalipsis!

The Test
FROM: Henry
DATE: 28 Jul 2004

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.  My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend?  She was a dream!  There was only one thing bothering me.  That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.  It had to be deliberate.  She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.  She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.  She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."  I was stunned.  I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.  I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.  With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Marvin
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 27 Jul 2004

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter.  He grew up in the old West.  As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find.  His hero was Billy the Kidd.  He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols.  He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.  After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot.  He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.  When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited!  He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan.  I have always wanted to be just like you."  "Look at me.  Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse.  But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?"  He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad.  Can you shoot with your left hand?  A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting.  I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it?  What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard.  Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled.  He asked, "Why is that important?  What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Marketing
FROM: Validator
DATE: 30 Jul 2004

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.  One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.  Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says:  "My poor fellow, don't you understand?  This is a Catholic country.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.  In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, and turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing".

Auction
FROM: Validator
DATE: 30 Jul 2004

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.  He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

COMENTARIO: ¡Ensíllame esa yegua, que me la llevo!

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment
FROM: Larry Krzewinski
DATE: 29 Jul 2004

COMENTARIO: Por lo menos, son bien sutiles...

I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness.  The truth is I'm sick of you.
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker.  In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure.  You're fired!
I've got good news for you.  You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.
Tell me, how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

Updated on July 4, 2007.  © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.