EN EL 2005...
¡SEGUIREMOS ECHANDO PA'LANTE!
¡CIAO!
Diciembre de 2004
Chiste
COLOCADO POR: Fer
FECHA: 2 Dec 2004
Entran 2 chicos al aula, y la maestra le dice a uno de ellos:
- Alumno, ¿por qué llegó tarde?
- Es que estaba soñando que viajaba por todas partes, conocí tantos países, y me desperté un poco tarde.
- ¿Y usted, alumno?
- ¡Yo fui al aeropuerto a recibirlo!
Bush y Hussein
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 2 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Bueno, he aquí un relato de esos de las cosas que pudieron haber sido y nunca fueron...
Saddam Hussein y George Bush se encuentran en Bagdad para una primera ronda de conversaciones en un nuevo proceso de paz. Cuando Bush se sienta, se da cuenta de que hay tres botones en un brazo de la silla de Saddam.
Comienzan las conversaciones. Después de cinco minutos, Saddam presiona el primer botón. Un guante de box salta de una caja y golpea a Bush en la cara.
Confundido, Bush sigue hablando mientras Saddam se ríe.
Unos minutos después Saddam presiona el segundo botón.
Esta vez una gran bota sale y patea a Bush en la espalda. Otra vez Saddam se ríe y Bush sigue hablando, para no alterar los altos fines de paz que debe haber entre ambos países.
Pero cuando Saddam presiona el tercer botón y sale una bota que patea a Bush en sus partes "privadas", se harta, y le dice al iraqui: "¡Me voy a mi pais! ¡Terminaremos las conversaciones en dos semanas!"
Llega el día y arriba Saddam a los Estados Unidos para las conversaciones.
Cuando este se sienta, observa tres botones en la silla de Bush y se prepara para la venganza yanqui.
Empiezan las conversaciones y Bush presiona el primer botón. Saddam se agacha, pero nada pasa.
Bush se sonríe. Unos segundos después presiona el segundo botón.
Saddam salta, y no pasa nada de nuevo.
Bush se ríe estruendosamente.
Cuando el tercer botón es presionado, Saddam salta de nuevo, y de otra vez nada pasa.
Bush se cae de la silla llorando de la risa.
"Olvídalo," dice Saddam totalmente ofendido, "¡Me regreso a Bagdad!" Bush le responde aún con lágrimas de la risa, "¿¿¿Cuál Bagdad ???"
De Pájaros y de Paz
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 3 Dec 2004
LA PALOMA..............ES EL PÁJARO DE LA PAZ
LA MUJER...............ES LA PAZ DEL PÁJARO
EL HOMBRE..............BUSCA PAZ PARA SU PÁJARO
EL SOLTERO.............NO DEJA SU PÁJARO EN PAZ
LA SOLTERA.............CONOCE EL PÁJARO, PERO NO LA PAZ
LA DIVORCIADA..........PERDIÓ LA PAZ Y EL PÁJARO
LA VIUDA...............SE LE MURIÓ EL PÁJARO Y NO VIVE EN PAZ
EL VIUDO...............PERDIÓ LA PAZ DEL PÁJARO
LA CASADA..............TIENE SEGURO EL PÁJARO Y LA PAZ
EL CASADO..............TIENE PAZ PARA EL PÁJARO
EL VIEJO...............TIENE EL PÁJARO EN PAZ
LA VIEJA...............DEBERÍA ESTAR EN PAZ PERO SIEMPRE ESTA PENSANDO EN EL PÁJARO
EL MARICÓN.............QUIERE LA PAZ POR DELANTE Y EL PÁJARO POR DETRÁS...
NOTA: ¡¡¡¡¡¡ENVÍE A 3 AMIGOS O SE LE MORIRÁ EL PÁJARO Y NUNCA TENDRÁ PAZ......!!!!!!
A Note from Santa
FROM: Chili Palmer
DATE: 2 Dec 2004
A note from Santa:
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Tequila Cookies
FROM: Chili Palmer
DATE: 2 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Si les gustó la receta de pavo al tequila... ¡esperen a saborearse esto!
Hope you enjoy this as much as I did.
I can't wait to make a batch of these!
Tequila Cookies
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
:-)
FROM: Phaeton
DATE: 2 Dec 2004
Ways to Let Someone Know Their Fly is Open :
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
[Holiday Eating Tips]
COLOCADO POR: DatAintRight.com
FECHA: 3 Dec 2004
Holiday Eating Tips:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
COMENTARIO: A mí me disculpan, pero yo mejor la sigo por la "Ruta del Lechón"...
Como México No Hay Dos
POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 6 Dec 2004
MEXICO, PAIS DE APARIENCIAS
LAS APARIENCIAS ENGAÑAN, reza el proverbio. Y en ningún lado es esto más cierto que en México.
Aquí, lo que cualquier cristiano juraría que es una inundación es en realidad un "encharcamiento".
Las alzas no son alzas, sino "ajustes de precios".
Los ciegos son "invidentes"; las prostitutas "sexoservidoras"; los ancianos, "personas de la tercera edad"; las crisis,"baches" o "coyunturas"; la manipulación, "Solidaridad "; nadie soborna solo "da mordida"; los acarreados, "simpatizantes"; los porros, "pseudoestudiantes", y las masacres, "episodios", sobre todo si ocurren en Guerrero.
Las empresas no despiden empleados: "practican la reingeniería". La economía nacional no cae en recesión: "se desacelera" o "se contrae".
Los funcionarios no roban: "desvían recursos del erario". Los delincuentes no van a la cárcel, sino a un "centro de readaptación social", aunque allí nadie se adapte ni se readapte, sino todo lo contrario.
Y, desde luego, en México no se lava dinero; solamente se realizan "préstamos" millonarios entre amigos, sin que medie un solo comprobante.
Si las autoridades reprimen con lujo de violencia a unos manifestantes, se trata en realidad de un "desalojo". Y si obligan a los partidos políticos, sindicatos , bancos y demás organismos a aceptar una decisión, cualquier mexicano con dos dedos de frente sabe que allí hubo "concertación".
Por más que su cerebro le asegure que el peso se devalúa, no se deje engañar: se trata de un "deslizamiento" o, a lo sumo, de "una ampliación de la banda de flotación". No les crea a sus ojos cuando le digan a gritos que en México hay miseria: es nada más "marginación".
Por eso, como México no hay dos.
COMENTARIO: Probablemente, yo tendría que discrepar de lo que plantea El Meda. ¡Total! Muchas de estas cosas también suceden en Puerto Rico, ¿es o no es así?
Paar Manejar en el DF
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 8 Dec 2004
A) Al encender su vehículo: Implore a su Poder Supremo y encomiéndese a él cuidado divino para su protección contra los peligros que encontrara en las calles chilangas.
B) El saludo mexicano de conductores: Para saludar a un conductor chilango, baje lentamente su ventana y, con tono grave y fuerte pronuncie "Chinga tu madre", pueden incluirse, al final de la expresión, adjetivos calificativos como "pendejo", "cabron","guey", etc. (escoger el más adecuado para la ocasión). De todas maneras este siempre preparado para responder con el dedo mayor apuntando hacia arriba y una sonrisa, en caso de que el otro conductor lo haya saludado primero.
C) Luces de giro o direccionales: Si un conductor en otro carril enciende su luz de giro, no lo deje ingresar a su carril. De hecho, presione el acelerador y manténgase próximo a él. Es probable que él conductor intente saludarlo, pero Ud. ya sabe exactamente que hacer (ver párrafo anterior).
D) Semáforos: Estos interesantes artefactos suelen encontrarse en las intersecciones de las calles sin tener ninguna razón aparente, pero si están ahí por algo será. Es muy probable encontrar conductores detenidos observando como cambian las luces de colores (una experiencia fascinante). Los oficiales de tránsito creen que cada color tiene un significado que el conductor debe respetar. De la observación se ha determinado el significado de cada color:
a) Luz Amarilla: acelere su vehículo tanto como sea posible.
b) Luz Roja: esta luz permite pasar a 5 ó 6 vehículos más después de su encendido.
c) Luz Verde: Reduzca la velocidad y espere a que los 5 ó 6 vehículos atraviesen su luz roja.
Nota: es vital tocar la bocina a los 0.5 segundos del encendido de la luz verde.
E) Cambio de carril: El cambio de carril es considerado una forma de arte en la CD. de México. Antes que nada, no importa lo que vaya a hacer, nunca encienda su luz de giro, de lo contrario estimulará la reacción de otro conductor(véase 'Luces de giro'). Observe al conductor que viene por el carril al que desea pasarse, y ante su menor descuido introdúzcase descontroladamente con su vehículo, se sorprenderá al darse cuenta que no es necesario más que un par de centímetros entre vehículo y vehículo. En ese momento será saludado por no menos de tres conductores. Para perfeccionar su cambio de carril, existen diversas técnicas, por ejemplo: Intente desacelerar su vehículo drásticamente y en cuestión de segundos, no deje de observar el fenómeno de reacción en cadena producido por el conductor de atrás, en medio del caos cambie de carril y acelere.
F) Embotellamientos: Durante los embotellamientos de tráfico se realizan varias actividades divertidísimas, tales como:
1. Toque su bocina rítmicamente.
2. Retoque su maquillaje (generalmente, para conductoras solamente)
3. Pierda peso sudando como un cerdo, debido a la carencia de aire acondicionado.
4. Salude a otros conductores. No necesariamente a los que provocan el embotellamiento.
5. Perfeccione su cambio de carril.
6. Juegue a ver que tan cerca puede detenerse del paragolpes del vehículo de adelante.
7. Intente rascarse la laringe vía nasal. (Generalmente conductores).
G) Peatones: Estos individuos son una molestia para los conductores chilangos. En caso de encontrar a alguno de estos particulares personajes, acelere y muéstrele quien es el jefe. En las intersecciones, ceda el paso al peatón y en cuanto lo tenga centrado tirele su vehículo encima. Si no llega a tocarlo (suelen ser bastante hábiles) no se preocupe, seguramente lo habrá asustado lo suficiente.
*NO OLVIDE ACTUALIZAR EL MANUAL, PUEDE CAMBIAR TANTO COMO LAS MORDIDAS LO PERMITAN.
¡¡¡FELICES VOLANTAZOS!!!
COMENTARIO: ¡Hmm! Yo creo que no hay ni que adaptarlo a la idiosincracia de Puerto Rico... ¡Aquí se hace igualito que allá!
Inscripciones en la UNAM
COLOCADO POR: Ing. Remberto Gómez-Meda (El Meda)
FECHA: 10 Dec 2004
UNAIM (Unibersidad Nasional Autonoma Inecsistente de Mexico) tiene el agrado de anunsiar a la comunidad intelectuál del país el prócsimo inisio de la Licenciatura en Paros y Uelgas, dirijida a toda clase de porros, chavos frustados y ciudadanos reboltosos azpirantes a candidatos del PRD.
Al finalisar sus estudios el egrezado será capas de:
- Poner de cabesa una institusión académica, una ciudad o un país.
- Convertírse en miembro de una banda delictiba.
- Integrarse actibamente a un partido politico.
Prerrekisitos Indispensables:
- Primaria trunka
- Sentido de Borreguísmo
- Falta de Kriterio
- Resentimiento acia la bida
- Profunda falta de rrespeto acia si mismo y a la sosieda
A continuasion se describen algunas de las materiaz ke componen el mapa kurricular de los alugnos:
- Pintura de bardas I y II
- Demagojia I, II y III
- Acarreo de Mazas y Plantónes
- Desprestijio Nasional I, II y III
- Toma de Instalasionez I y II
- Temas Selectos de Impunidad I, II, III y IV
- Blokeo de Abenidas y Bías Rápidas
- Lansamiento de Prollectiles
- Tiatro Politico
- Incomunicasión y Desorientasión
- Autosecuestros
- Autobiolaciones
Es importante señalar que desde el primer semestre los alumnos realisaran prakticas de campo en las principales abenidas y plasas de la capital.
Al finalisar, los egresados de esta carrera tienen asegurado un FUTURO YENO DE FRACAZOS y la imposibilidad de ingresar a trabajar en alguna empresa de este pais.
Las cuotas, como es vien sabido, son boluntarias y el alugno devera traer consigo ciete cazcos de chelas, palos y piedras. Para inscripsiones fabor de dirijirse con el Onorable y Distinguido Lic. Mosh, Director de Admiciones.
"CIENSIA ES CULTURA"
Santa's Helpers
COLOCADO POR: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 6 Dec 2004
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
SALVEDAD: Ningún empleado o funcionario de la agencia gubernamental aludida resultó lastimado durante la realización de este chiste.
Where is This Dangerous Place?
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 6 Dec 2004
It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?
The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.
Why are we still there?
We occupy this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.
Why are we still there?
Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.
Why are we still there??
It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.
Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.
It is clear!
WE MUST GET OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!
COMENTARIO: Cualquier parecido con una conocida posesión estadounidense en el Caribe en la que—aparente y alegadamente—todavía no se han decidido los resultados de unas elecciones generales... ¿he mencionado nombre yyyyyyyyo?... ¡es una pocavergüenza!
The Difference Is
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Dec 2004
The only differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better looking and more honest about how they make a living.
This is Only a Warning
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 7 Dec 2004
One elderly male called 911 and reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said, "But if she keeps bending over the way she is, I will be having a heart attack within the next 10 minutes, so I just wanted to alert you to sending an ambulance for me."
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé cómo ustedes lo vean, per a mí me parece que esto confirma el refrán de que "hombre precavido, vale por dos"...
A Senior Moment
FROM: Tim Daneliuk
DATE: 13 Dec 2004
At the senior center—Friday night dance
A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center.
Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Pennies
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 14 Dec 2004
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Dae ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?!"
COMENTARIO: Como diría un anuncio político durante la reciente campaña electoral... "Hay que ser bien 'cara de lata'..."
The 12 Cats of Christmas
FROM: needles
DATE: 15 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Para aquéll@s de ustedes que les gustan los gatos, pero que no soportan la cancioncita ésa de los 12 días de navidad... ¡aquí les va esto!
On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree,
My 12 cats were laughing at me
On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree,
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me
On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
Not Only in Sports
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 12 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Ahora, para hacerle compañía a Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi y otros atletas (incluida la velocista Marion Jones, si lo que se dice de ella es cierto) que están "en la página de Cheo"...
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Admits Taking Steroids
Written by Heru
Rudolph dejectedly walks away
For too many years to remember, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has led Santa's sleigh through the darkened and chilled skies of a Christmas Eve night delivering presents to children in every corner of the earth. But that may not happen this year.
Rudolph admitted to a shocked audience of elves and reindeer that he has taken steroids for many years. "The pressure was too much," said a visibly shaken Rudolph. "Year after year, so much was expected from me."
Rudolph said that he started taking steroids after a rather physical rutting ritual left him hobbled and mentally exhausted. He sought the help of BALCO owner Victor Conte, who is currently under federal indictment for alledgedly distributing steroids and other controlled substances to prominent athletes.
Santa Claus is currently making plans to save Christmas by auditioning other reindeer to lead his team on Christmas Eve. When asked about Rudolph's status for this year's ride, Santa said that under the current reindeer collective bargaining agreement, he was obligated to "hitch up his old red nose buddy" if he is physically able to do his job. However he doubted Rudolph would be ready in time for this year's sleigh ride.
Prancer was more emphatic. He said even if Rudolph was ready, none of the other reindeer would ride with him. "He is not the type of role model other raindeer should be following." He also stated that he believes that Rudolph is a red nosed menace from the darkest regions of hell and the fact that he would "cheat to get his front seat" proved that he was right.
When asked about his thoughts on Rudolph's admitted steroid use, Dancer just shook his head and stumbled away in a druken stupor muttering incoherently about losing money on the Dallas Cowboys.
Sandy "Shorty" Shortman, the chief elf in charge of Santa's workshop was more sympathetic to Rudolph. "Rudolph's still a champ in my book, said Shorty. "What the heck you expect from these guys? Rudolph flies all over the world once a year at speeds up to warp 10 delivering presents to all of the world's kid, and if he needed something to help him get over, then so be it!" Shorty also admitted to us that if it wasn't for "the euphoric high" that results from smoking elfin-homegrown rainbow dust, the elves wouldn't get half of the toys made that they do now.
Rudolph's wife, Clarice, reinterated that she "really, really, still likes Rudolph," and added that she still supports him and will work with him to overcome "this difficult period in his life."
Santa Claus Pleads Guilty to Abuse
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 12 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Pero ¿qué es esto? Hoy como que estamos "al palo"...
Written by Pedro DePacas
"Shh. Don't Tell The Kids!"
World-famous child-lover Santa Claus, whose real name is Christopher Rudolph Kringle, was arraigned this morning at the North Pole Supreme Court, facing 2.2million charges of child abuse. This comes as no surprise to elves everywhere, who have been wary of Mr. Kringle's actions for some time.
"We tried placing him in different locations, but he always finds the closest mall," John Michael II stated today, "he then sits children on his lap, asking them if they've been naughty or nice." "Children who respond "nice" were given a 'special candy cane'. Those who respond "naughty" get two black lumps." This not only raises the question of who's been watching the kids (since the parents aren't) but also criticizes Mr. Kringle's ethnicity. A geneology researcher for Elite Little Volunteers of Exporting Services (ELVES) recently discovered Mr. Kringle is a long-lost relative of Aunt Jemima. The researcher wishes to remain anonymous and would not return phone calls. Claus pled guilty to all counts and will be sentenced on Friday Dec. 24. Currently he is being held in a brick 4' X 4' chimney without bail.
Cathleen Kringle, better known as Mrs. Claus, recently turned 950. During a telephone conversation with her this morning, she hinted toward divorce. "I learned a thing or two from watching the news. I'm not as dumb as that Clinton lady. I know a repeat offender when I see one."
According to Judge Eater Out, Mr. Kringle is facing a maximum sentence of 300 years at NO-FP, with a chance of parole after 4 years, if he can keep it away from small people that long. A likely sentence would be pole arrest until January 1, 2015.
Children all over the world are protesting the accusations, claiming that Mr. Kringle loves them. "Santa Claus loves giving me gifts and special candy canes," Virginia West of West Virginia said through tears in an interview with Northpole News Network (NNN) today. "He's always happy to [see] us. You can see it in his face."
Unfortunately for parents, this means for the first time in 900 years they have to buy presents. President George W. Bush commented on the situation this evening by saying "corruption always starts at the top of the chain of command." After realizing his choice of words, he then added "except in the United States. Corruption starts one like lower and works its way up and sometimes down. Sometimes over to the side, too. We don't really know where corruption begins folks, we just know it begins at the top."
NOTA: La Editora Ejecutiva de LDB News, Francisca (Paca) Garmendía-Domingo, contribuyó en la realización de este reportaje y del anterior.
Do You Like Cats?
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 14 Dec 2004
Susan was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Susan persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Susan asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Susan, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Susan dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
The Operation
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 16 Dec 2004
A young boy of four was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile. I have to have surgery." On the day he was admitted, his mother asked, "Doctor, could you please circumcise him while he is asleep?" The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked his friend to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is that your tonsils ain't where you think they are."
Monkees, Lizards and Marijuana
FROM: Benign Vanilla
DATE: 15 Dec 2004
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey. They have a few joints. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and decided to go get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got stoned, and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is finishing a joint, looks up and says, "Hey, you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "SSSShhhhiiiiiiiiitttttt dude. How much water did you drink?"
ACLARACIÓN (EN SERIO): Obviamente, los efectos del consumo de sustancias controladas (acción que un servidor repudia vehementemente) no son cosa de risa, aún si ésa parezca ser la intención que se desprende de este chiste. — LDB.
Recomendaciones Para Salir
COLOCADO POR: Palanis.-®
FECHA: 21 Dec 2004
Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas de edad avanzada, se encuentran sentadas en un café local.
Isabel: "Vieras que José me pidió que saliéramos en una cita. Como me enteré que saliste con el la semana pasada, me gustaría hablar contigo acerca de él antes de darle mi respuesta."
Claudia: "Bueno, déjame contarte: El se presentó a mi apartamento puntualmente a las 7:00 PM vestido como todo un caballero en un fino traje y me trajo un arreglo floral precioso. Después bajamos las escaleras hacia la calle y me encontré con una limusina con chofer uniformado y todo lo demás. Me llevó a comer, una cena maravillosa, con langosta, champaña, postre y bebidas. Después me llevó a ver una obra de teatro y déjame decirte Isabel, la disfrute tanto que me pude haber muerto de la felicidad en ese momento.
Más tarde me llevo a mi apartamento y se convirtió en un animal. Completamente loco, me arrancó en pedazos mi vestido mas fino y caro e hizo su santa voluntad conmigo, ¡dos veces!"
Isabel: "¡Dios mío! ¿Entonces me estás diciendo que no salga con él?"
Claudia: "¡No, no, no! ¡Simplemente te estoy diciendo que uses un vestido barato!"
Fiesta de Navidad
COLOCADO POR: Pelicano
FECHA: 21 Dec 2004
Un clásico:
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad
Fecha: 1 de diciembre
Less comunico con muchísimo gusto que la fiesta de Navidad de la empresa tendrá lugar el 23 de diciembre y empezará al mediodía en la sala de Banquetes del Asador de Pedro. ¡El vino lo pone la casa! Tendremos una pequeña banda que nos tocará canciones navideñas tradicionales (quien se quiera apuntar a cantar es bienvenido). ¡Y no te sorprendas si el gran jefe aparece vestido de Santa Claus!
Nuestro jefe tiene una importante comunicación que hacernos y aprovechará la ocasión.
El árbol de Navidad lo encenderemos a la 1:00 pm. El intercambio de regalos entre los empleados se podrá hacer a cualquier hora, pero de todos modos los regalos no deberían costar más de $ 2.000 para que esto no pese en el bolsillo de nadie.
¡La fiesta es solamente para empleados!
Feliz Navidad a todos y a vuestras familias.
Pepita
******************
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad - 2ª comunicación
Fecha: 2 de diciembre
De ninguna manera mi correo de ayer quería excluir a nuestros empleados judíos (sabemos que ellos no celebran la Navidad cristiana). Es más, reconocemos la importancia de Januka que suele coincidir normalmente con Navidad, aunque no este año. Lo mejor será que a partir de ahora hablemos de la "fiesta de las vacaciones de Diciembre". Lo mismo les digo a nuestros empleados afroamericanos que celebran Kwanzaa durante este período.
No habrá árbol de Navidad. No se cantarán canciones tradicionales navideñas. Tendremos otro tipo de música para amenizar la velada. ¿Contentos?
Feliz Navidad a todos y a vuestras familias.
Pepita
******************
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad - 3ª comunicación
Fecha: 3 de diciembre
Con referencia a la nota que he recibido del miembro de Alcohólicos Anónimos pidiendo una mesa donde no se beba... se ha olvidado de firmarla.
Estaré encantada de poder satisfacer esta petición, pero si pongo un cartelito en la mesa que rece "sólo AA", ya no será anónimo... ¿Cómo resolver esto? ¿Alguien me puede ayudar?
Olvídense del intercambio de regalos, no se permitirá ningún intercambio de regalos porque los miembros del sindicato creen que $2.000 es demasiado dinero y a los ejecutivos les parece una porquería para hacer un regalo de esas condiciones.
NO SE PERMITIRÁ INTERCAMBIAR REGALOS.
Pepita
*********
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad - 4ª comunicación
Fecha: 7 de diciembre
¡Que grupo tan variado somos! No tenía ni idea de que el 20 de diciembre empieza el mes musulmán del Ramadán que prohíbe comer o beber mientras haya luz del día. Esto complica mucho la fiesta. Somos conscientes de cuánto una comida de empresa en esta época del año puede herir la sensibilidad de nuestros empleados musulmanes. Quizás el Asador de Pedro pueda esperar a servir los platos al final de la fiesta - ¡los días son tan cortos en esta época del año! - o también podríamos hacer paquetitos de comida para llevar con forma de cisnes de papel de plata, ¿creéis que funcionaría?
Mientras tanto os informo de que ya he arreglado las cosas para que los miembros de los Gordos Anónimos se sienten lo más lejos posible del carro de postres, y las mujeres embarazadas cerca de los lavabos. Los gays pueden sentarse juntos. Las lesbianas no tienen que sentarse con los gays, tendrán una mesa para ellas solas. También habrá centros con búcaros de flores en la mesa de los gays. Para la persona que ha pedido venir travestida, lo sentimos pero eso no ha sido previsto.
Tendremos sillas con cojines para los bajitos. Se servirá comida baja en calorías para aquellas personas que están a dieta, lamentablemente no podemos controlar la cantidad de sal que será utilizada para preparar los distintos platos así que sugerimos a las personas con problemas de hipertensión que los prueben antes de comérselos. Habrá fruta fresca para los diabéticos, pero el restaurante no puede ofrecer postres sin azúcar. ¡Lo siento!
¿Se me olvidó algo?
Pepita
**********
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad - 5ª comunicación
Fecha: 8 de diciembre
Bien, así que el 22 de diciembre es el solsticio de invierno, ¿y qué esperan que haga? Las medidas antiincendio en el Asador de Pedro prohíben el rito de la quema de hierbas aromáticas para nuestros empleados adeptos al culto de la Madre Naturaleza, pero intentaremos darles gusto alquilando un chamán que toque el tambor en círculos mientras la banda descansa.
¿De acuerdo?
Pepita.
*******************************************
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Fiesta de Navidad - 6ª comunicación
Fecha: 9 de diciembre
Mirad, os juro que no hacia referencia a nada siniestro cuando dije que el gran jefe podría "aparecer vestido de Santa Claus". Incluso, aunque el anagrama de "Santa" da la casualidad de que sea "Satán", no hay ningún tipo de referencia oculta al maligno en nuestro "viejo hombrecillo vestido de rojo", ¡es la tradición, como los petardos en las plazas o las disputas sobre quién come dónde el día de Navidad o los corazones rotos el día de San Valentín! ¿No podríamos tener un poquito más de espíritu festivo? ¿Eh?? ¡¡¡Por favor!!!! Aprovecho esta oportunidad para comunicarles que la empresa ha cambiado de idea y ya no hará ninguna comunicación importante durante la fiesta, nos lo notificarán por correo a casa.
Pepita
**********
DE: Pepita López, Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: La puta Fiesta de Navidad - 7ª comunicación
Fecha: 10 de diciembre
No tengo ni la mas puta idea de qué se trataba en la comunicación importante. ¿¿¿¿Qué mierda me importa! ????
¡YO YA SE QUE ES LO QUE VOY A RECIBIR!!!
Si se les ocurre cambiar de dirección ahora son hombres muertos. No se permitirá ningún otro cambio de dirección en esta oficina.
¡¡¡Intenten venirme con que han cambiado de dirección y los colgaré por los dedos de los pies!!!
Referente a los vegetarianos, ¡¡¡ ya he tenido suficiente!!! La fiesta se hará en el Asador de Pedro tanto si les gusta como si no, así que ya pueden quedarse calladitos y bien sentaditos en la mesa más alejada de la "parrilla de la muerte", como lo llaman ustedes, porque no pienso ni remotamente montar una mierda de buffet de ensaladas, incluyendo tomates deshidratados. ¿Es que no saben que ellos también tienen su sensibilidad? Los pobres tomatitos también chillan cuando los deshidratan, yo los he oído, y ustedes se los comen, sí, es verdad, que los he oído...
Espero que tengan unas desagradables fiestas.
Si beben, manejen y a ver si así se matan todos.
Pepita
**********
DE: Juan García, Director de Recursos Humanos
A: Todos los empleados
Objeto: Pepita López y la Fiesta de Navidad
Fecha: 14 de diciembre
Creo hablar en nombre de todos cuando deseo de todo corazón a Pepita una pronta mejoría de su enfermedad debida al stress. Sigan enviando postales al sanatorio mental, ya que cuando se las leen, parece que reacciona algo.
Referente a la comida por las Navidades, la Dirección General ha decidido cancelar la fiesta y darles a todos la tarde del 23 libre.
Felices fiestas!!!
COMENTARIO: Yo creo que algo parecido a esto explica por qué en mi lugar de trabajo NO se hizo una fiesta de Navidad este año...
Un Par de Ellos
COLOCADO POR: Ferdy
FECHA: 22 Dec 2004
Buenos perros
................................................................
Están tres campesinos discutiendo sobre sus respectivos perros.
- Tengo un perro pastor alemán, es magnífico, no deja que se me desbanden las cabras, las tiene supercontroladas.
- Yo tengo un San Bernardo, es buenísimo, cuando tengo sed, le llamo y me trae una cuba de vino.
- Yo tengo un perro sin marca, es callejero, pero es mejor que todos, le enseño una perdiz, la huele y me trae otra, le enseño un conejo, lo huele y me trae otro, el otro día le enseñé las bragas de mi mujer y me trajo los huevos del boticario...
=================================================================
Confusas revelaciones
................................................................
Entra un tío en una tienda y dice:
- Hola, me llamo Juan, tengo cuarenta y tres años, una hija de siete y un hijo de tres, estoy separado, y tengo un canario que baila sardanas...
El dependiente le interrumpe y dice:
- ¿A mí que me cuenta? ¡Esto es una tienda de fotografía!
Y el individuo contesta:
- No sé, como en la puerta hay un cartel que pone: "Entre y revele su rollo..."
COMENTARIO: Si el del segundo chiste se llega a topar con la abogada ésa de la TV peruana (no hace falta decir de quién se trata), de seguro ella le regala un "carrito sandwichero" para que se conforme...
The Funeral
FROM: Timantide
DATE: 20 Dec 2004
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements.
Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed: Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
COMENTARIO: O mejor aún, él podría irse en transporte público hasta el cementerio...
Best Singles Ad Ever Written
FROM: Ron Ablang
DATE: 21 Dec 2004
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) ***-**** and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy.)
NOTA: El número de teléfono que aparece en el original, he optado por suprimirlo en esta versión. — LDB.
Seis Meses
COLOCADO POR: El Meda
FECHA: 30 Dec 2004
-Don Humberto, lo siento mucho pero le quedan sólo seis meses de vida...
Humberto se queda pensando, anonadado, y por fin le dice al médico:
-Pero es que no tengo seguro médico... en ese tiempo ni siquiera voy a alcanzar a juntar dinero para pagarle la cuenta...
-Bueno, está bien. Que sean nueve meses.
COMENTARIO: OK, con ese plazo da y sobra...
Try Saying
FROM: Eric
DATE: 30 Dec 2004
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
19 ) TRY SAYING: I'm too busy to talk to you right now.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck off.
COMENTARIO: ¿Alguien conoce otra manera de decirle "en palabras finas" a la gerencia, "No me j***n tanto"?
The Other Day...
FROM: Amak
DATE: 31 Dec 2004
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
COMENTARIO: Dos cosas. Primero, él hizo lo que ella le pidió, ¿OK? Y segundo, como mínimo, ¡él es súper bruto!
A Day at the Races
FROM: GiggleStop
DATE: 30 Dec 2004
COMENTARIO: Otro caso tomado de los archivos de... "Errores y Horrores de la Prensa".
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Evening Prayers
FROM: GiggleStop
DATE: 27 Dec 2004
One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Gran. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Gran." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.
Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?," his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"
T.V. Land
FROM: Chad D Peterson
DATE: 27 Dec 2004
What the world is like in TV land:
1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a 'dark' secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't take drugs.
40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.
55. No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).
EN EL 2005...
¡SEGUIREMOS ECHANDO PA'LANTE!
¡CIAO!
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.