Mayo de 2003
Ding, Ding, Ding!
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 2 May 2003
COMENTARIO: Como que ya tratamos el mismo tema hace un par de semanas, ¿no? Sólo que... ¡ahora es MUCHO PEOR!
This bloke has had enough of the rat race and makes up his mind to become a monk. He makes the appropriate noises and secures an interview with the Abbot at his nearest monastery.
"What makes you believe you can become a true believer and follower of the Faith, observing our strict vows?," enquires the Holy Father.
"I've become totally disenchanted with the absurdity of Life today and all its materialist dogma."
"But you're only a young man, my son. How do you expect to cope with the vow of chastity?"
"Sex has no meaning to me any more Father."
"Look, I've heard that kind of thing many times before from young virile men like yourself, only to find that within three months they're back in the outside world."
"Give me a chance Father, I'll show you I mean it."
"All right," says the Abbot, "but to ensure you don't waste our time, I'll put you through I small test. Come with me."
The young man is led to a monk's quarters where he is told to strip completely. A monk then hands him a small brass bell and invites him to tie it onto the end of his Old Man. Putting aside his embarrassment, the man does as he's asked and is then led into a small courtyard in which he is surprised to see the entire brotherhood in a similar state of attire.
The Abbot, fully clothed, instructs the young man to stand with his back to the assembled monks at a distance of fifteen feet. He then claps his hands. A beautiful woman appears from behind a curtain and proceeds to disrobe. Ding-a-ling-a-ling, chimes our bloke's bell. From behind him there's not a sound.
"You see," says the Abbot, "to become a true follower, such temptations must have no effect. Look at the Brotherhood. They can resist the desires of the flesh. You will have to return to this place when the saps are no longer rising."
The young man can see that none of the monks have stirred. He then turns back to face the woman who by now is completely starkers. Ding-a-ling-a-bloody-ling goes the bell and promptly falls off its perch.
As he bends down to pick the bell up he is promptly deafened by 150 other chimes...
COMENTARIO (AÑADIDO EL 16 DE ABRIL DE 2005): Y seguramente, el muchacho estará pensando, "¡La madre del que me aconsejó vender el Ferrari!"
Differences Between You and Your Boss
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 2 May 2003
When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
The Kangeroos Cage
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 4 May 2003
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Wedding Cake
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 1 May 2003
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18," which reads,
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18"...
... for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.
COMENTARIO (AÑADIDO EL 16 DE MARZO DE 2006): Y ahora resulta que este chiste se basa en una leyenda urbana. Si alguien tiene dudas, vea For Better or Verse.
Making $$$$s
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 3 May 2003
COMENTARIO: ¿Ustedes quieren una manera rápida de hacer $$$$? Pues aquí la tienen:
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Hold down the shift key.
2. Hit the "4" key four times very quickly.
The Gift
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 3 May 2003
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration—that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
Baptism
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 3 May 2003
COMENTARIO: ¡IGUALITO QUE EN PUERTO RICO! ¡PALABRA QUE ASÍ ES!
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
I Don't Like to Have to Do What I Did in Texas
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 4 May 2003
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?," he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Military Difference
From: Roamer
Date: 5 May 2003
1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2002 - Everyone has an Internet access computer and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - Pictures of girls were painted on airplanes to remind the men of home.
2002 - They put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945 - We mailed letters & cards of support to the troops overseas.
2002 - We email support to the troops overseas.
1945 - Your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2002 - She is in the same trench praying your condom worked.
1945 - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2002 - If you get drunk, they slap you in rehab.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2002 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2002 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2002 - Officers are politicians first and hope fervently not to be crucified in the media.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2002 - They collect your urine and analyze it.
1945 - If you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the piss can until you straightened up.
2002 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2002 - Medals are awarded to people who work at Headquarters.
1945 - You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2002 - You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
1945 - You ate in a mess hall, which was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
2002 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pat of butter costs and you'd better not take too much.
1945 - Powerful countries like Germany and Japan were defeated.
2002 - We come up short against Iraq and Afghanistan.
1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officer's Mess.
2002 - The beer will cost you $3.00, membership is forced and someone is always watching how much you drink.
1945 - The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2002 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart.
1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2002 - We call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his weapons were destroyed.
2002 - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945 - A Commander would put his butt on the line to protect his troops.
2002 - A Commander will put his troops on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - Wars are planned and run by Generals with lots of important victories.
2002 - Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - We were fighting for freedom and the country was committed to winning.
2002 - We don't know what we're fighting for and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').
1945 - All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2002 - All you can think about is getting out AND becoming a civilian again.
The Maid!
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 5 May 2003
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, 'Who is this?'
'This is the maid', answered the woman.
'We don't have a maid!'
'I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.'
'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'
'Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.'
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, 'Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'
'What do I have to do?'
'I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with.'
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.
'What should I do with the bodies?'
'Throw them in the swimming pool!'
'What pool?'
'Uh... is this ###-4821?'
Lessons from Geese
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 5 May 2003
As each goose flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the birds that follow. By flying in a V formation, the flock adds 71% extra flying range.
People who share a sense of community can help each other get where they are going more easily ... because they are travelling on the trust of one another.
When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. It quickly moves back to take advantage of the lifting power of the birds in front.
If we have as much sense as geese, we stay in formation with those headed where we want to go. We are willing to accept their help and give our help to others.
When the lead goose tires, it drops back in the formation and another flies to the point position.
It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks. We should respect and protect each other's unique arrangement of skills, capabilities, talents and resources.
The geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
We need to make sure our honking is encouraging. In groups where there is encouragement, production is much greater. Individual empowerment results from quality honking.
When a goose gets sick, two geese drop out of formation and follow it to help and protect it.
If we have as much sense as geese, we will stand by each other in difficult times, as well as when we are strong.
Pain Transference
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 5 May 2003
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
You Can't Marry Him
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 5 May 2003
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
Birth Control
From: Why Me
Date: 6 May 2003
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these pills can do that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
Gas Station Owner or President?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 6 May 2003
Last summer, President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On day they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smiled and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been President of the United States."
If Noah Lived In The USA Today
From: Tony Payne
Date: 7 May 2003
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring Everything aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
"First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational watercraft.'
"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
COMENTARIO: ¡Un momento! Y esa declaración de impacto ambiental que le sometieron a la EPA, ¿cómo es que no pasó por mi escritorio para yo revisarla, ah?
Testing Viagra On Granpa
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 7 May 2003
Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight."
"Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."
So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather, "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars."
"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?"
"Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!"
"Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."
The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed. "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!"
"That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"
Doctor's Orders
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 8 May 2003
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Women and Men Drivers
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 9 May 2003
A man and a woman are driving toward each other on a winding mountain road.
As they pass, the woman screams out the window, "Pig!"
The man screams back, "Witch!"
Further down the road, around a corner, the man hits a pig in the middle of the road.
Moral: Men never listen.
Cojones For Lunch
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 11 May 2003
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?," he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Señor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose."
NOTA DE REVISIÓN (3 DE JUNIO DE 2004): Según mis fuentes fidedignas, la verdadera razón fue que los coj... ¡perdón!... los "d'eso" del toro se los sirvieron a una conocida actriz y cantante puertorriqueña que supuestamente dijo que le faltaban... ¿He mencionado nombre yoooooooooo?
You Can't Make Up This Stuff
From: Tom Mailloux
Date: 4 May 2003
I've got digital cable which comes with an on-screen program guide. I flip through the listings to see what's on. Now, you have to know that show titles are often abbreviated because of lack of space, especially in half-hour blocks. So, as I traveled though the Nick-at-Nite listing for this morning at 11, it listed two 1950s classics: Father Knows Best followed by Leave It To Beaver....
FATHER KNOWS/BEAVER
Huh. And I thought it was a family channel.........
Warning Labels
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 6 May 2003
Here are the top five winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."
Smelly Room
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 10 May 2003
A small boy walked into a police station one day and said, "I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell."
"Are the any windows in your room?," asked the officer.
"Yes, of course there are!," said the boy.
"Have you tried opening them?"
"I can't... all my pigeons would escape."
Qualified
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 10 May 2003
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
Exercise
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 10 May 2003
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't let me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use it without charge...
1. Beating around the bush
2. Jumping to conclusions
3. Climbing the walls
4. Swallowing my pride
5. Passing the buck
6. Throwing my weight around
7. Dragging my heels
8. Pushing my luck
9. Making Mountains out of molehills
10. Hitting the nail on the head
11. Wading through paperwork
12. Bending over backwards
13. Jumping on the bandwagon
14. Balancing the books
15. Running around in circles
16. Eating crow
17. Tooting my own horn
18. Climbing the ladder of success
19. Pulling out the stops
20. Adding fuel to the fire
21. Opening a can of worms
22. Putting my foot in my mouth
23. Starting the ball rolling
24. Going over the edge
25. Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down...
COMENTARIO: Y yo... creo que no le daré más vueltas a este asunto.
My Sign
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 11 May 2003
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
College Dorm
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 11 May 2003
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
COMENTARIO: Y eso, que el Decano no mencionó la oferta especial del Pay-Per-View...
Drive Us Home
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 13 May 2003
Montgomery Epstein was downtown with his wife and four little children when he decided to take a taxicab home.
Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, "How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?"
"I figure $3 apiece for you and your wife," said the driver. "I'll take the four kids along for nothing."
Montgomery Epstein turned to his children and said, "Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway."
Pregnant Fireman?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 14 May 2003
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?," she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."
Daddy Longlegs
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 16 May 2003
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?," Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"
Chicken Soup for the Alcoholic
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 16 May 2003
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
COMENTARIO: ¡Esto se merece una fríííííííííaaaaaaaaa!
Randy Retrievers
From: Pointer
Date: 11 May 2003
"Hi Blackie, good to see you again! Why have they dragged you back to the Vets surgery?"
"Looks like I'm here for the 'big snip'. You know that Fluffy French Poodle next door? Well, I found her irresistible—for the third time this week... And you?"
"Yeah, Goldie, I have that problem as well. My mistress had just stepped out of the bath when she dropped the soap, and I found her irresistable, too."
"Hard luck, looks like you are heading for the 'big snip' as well."
"Well, no. Actually, I'm here to get my claws clipped."
Pigeon at First Sight
From: KenFuny
Date: 15 May 2003
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
Arsenic
From: Linda Franklin
Date: 16 May 2003
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says he druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife.
The druggist looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Things Never Said by a Redneck
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 12 May 2003
Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Beth.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
New Scientific Theories
From: tim hackney
Date: 14 May 2003
Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new scientific theories."
THE RUNNERS-UP:
4th Runner-Up — The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up — Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they can not communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up — The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up — If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
Getting Screwed
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 19 May 2003
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.
"One cent!?," exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes, one cent."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?," inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!," exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf But Aren't
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 19 May 2003
10. Nuts!... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first!
Furniture Salesman
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 May 2003
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.
It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business!!!
COMENTARIO: No es por alabar al individuo, pero... ¡qué classssse 'e morón!
The Man-eating Lion
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 May 2003
An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of bloodcurdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion?," asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!," he howled. "Which of you idiots let the bull loose?"
Isn't She Adorable?
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 May 2003
Father (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies): "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
Programmable Caller ID
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 20 May 2003
This tale is a good example of why it can be a good idea to enter an appropriate name with the numbers stored in your phone's caller ID memory.
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late at Almighty God Tabernacle, his church, and decided to call his wife before he left for home.
It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.
When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer."
The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, "God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now." At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer."
Baby Boy, or Baby Girl?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 21 May 2003
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?," said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Dragging Their Feet
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 22 May 2003
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."
The Proxy Father
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 22 May 2003
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?," the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?," asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?," asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?," asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.... Madam? Madam? .... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
NOTA (AÑADIDA EL 26 DE MARZO DE 2006): Vea también El Fotógrafo de Niños.
Golden Urinal
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 23 May 2003
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Defendant in Court
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 23 May 2003
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."
Jokester's Joke Of The Week
From: Jokester
Date: 25 May 2003
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting:
* 85% of women think their ass is too big.
* 10% of women think their ass is too small.
* The other 5% said they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Be Careful Who You Talk To
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 18 May 2003
A real smooth talker who prided himself on being the ladies man finally met his match one night. The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and that he would inherit over ten million dollars.
Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local bar, where he just happened to see a drop dead gorgeous long legged woman. Of course, he couldn't wait to work his charms on her and indeed she was so interested in him, they went back to his house together.
The next day she became his soon-to-be rich stepmother.
Sex Pills
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 27 May 2003
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes—he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need... a man...."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
COMENTARIO: ¡OH, OH! ¡OOH, OOH! ¡OOOOOOOOOOH, OOOOOOOOOOH! Déjame irme de aquí, porque el tipo ése está empezando a mirarme medio raro...
A Lesson in Politics
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 27 May 2003
COMENTARIO: Yo creo que la visión de este niño no se aleja mucho de la realidad...
A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
The Native American Boy
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 28 May 2003
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Corn Flower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moon Child?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
COMENTARIO: Y cuenta la leyenda que la sóla mención de su nombre... ¡inspira el TERROR!
Work vs Prison
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 28 May 2003
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.
Missed a Period
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 30 May 2003
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that sometimes he could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Signs in Front of Churches
From: Linda Franklin
Date: 30 May 2003
1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
3. Soul food served here.
4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
5. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
7. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
9. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
10. Come early for a good seat in the back.
11. Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?
12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
13. A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
14. K-mart isn't the only saving place!
15. Preach the gospel at all times... Use words only if necessary.
16. Delay is preferable to error.
17. It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
18. What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday!
21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
22. Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
24. May is God's apology for February.
25. To belittle is to be little.
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
27. God answers knee mail.
28. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
Three Vampires in a Bar
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 31 May 2003
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have?
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
Lousy Memory
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 31 May 2003
A frustrated wife tells her friend, "I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"
Her friend replies, "Why would you want to divorce him for that?"
The wife says, "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 31 May 2003
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A few beers short of six-pack
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I instructions on the heel
Too much yardage between the goalposts
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
The New Name
From: KenFuny
Date: 27 May 2003
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Diane's 4-year-old son overheard some of his mother's private conversations.
One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."
"Really?," asked the lady.
"Yes," said the little boy. "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
Gold Watch
From: KenFuny
Date: 27 May 2003
COMENTARIO: Para mí, éste es un claro ejemplo de lo que los abogados quieren decir con la frase, "abrir la puerta":
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"
"What?," said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife. "He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you sent him."
Doctor-Affair-Meatballs
From: KenFuny
Date: 28 May 2003
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?," she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the E R. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti — Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
A 21st Century Marriage
From: KenFuny
Date: 29 May 2003
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
The Zoo
From: KenFuny
Date: 29 May 2003
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!," but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
The Whole Truth
From: KenFuny
Date: 31 May 2003
At school, Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.