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Stealing Lumber
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?," the priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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No Need for Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
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Robot Secretary
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not. Where did you hear such nonsense?," replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
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Letter from Jesus
Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:
"Dear Ruth:
"I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I'd like to stop by for a visit.
"Love Always,
"Jesus"
Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table. "Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."
With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets. "Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out its contents. Five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."
She threw on her coat and hurried out the door.
A loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk... leaving Ruth with grand total twelve cents to last her until Monday.
Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.
"Hey lady, can you help us, lady?"
Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.
"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us. Lady, we'd really appreciate it."
Ruth looked at both of them.
They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.
"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."
"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."
The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley.
As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.
"Sir, wait!" The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food? I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."
She handed the man her grocery bag.
"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"
"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering. "You know, I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders. Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street... without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.
"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"
Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.
She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.
"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day." She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.
"Dear Ruth:
"It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.
"Love Always,
"Jesus"
The air was still cold, but even without her coat, Ruth no longer noticed.
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Larry's Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife in unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
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Rules for Being Human
1. You will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons, or think them irrelevant or stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better place than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again, look better than "here".
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all of this.
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Attacking the Enemies to the West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding.
"How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?," shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," replies the knight. "Well, you do now."
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Shipwrecked With Six Women
Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties, when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"
"Crap!," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."
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Riding a Dead Horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
But in modern business (and education and government), because heavy investment factors are taken into consideration, other strategies are often tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line than some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Rules for Depression
Try to be PERFECT.
Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make.
Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do.
Always do what you are supposed to be doing.
Make other persons happy at any cost to yourself.
Work hard at pleasing your most severe critic.
Know that if you don't please, the other person will reject or leave you.
Never make a mistake.
Live alone and have few friends.
Keep your failures, mistakes, errors and faults to yourself. Never let anyone know of them, because you never want anyone to know how bad you really are. Keep your secrets personal.
FEAR the future, because you know it will turn out bad.
WORRY about how bad it will be.
With such an awful future, try to be in control as much as possible. Knowing you are not in self control, seek to control other and events.
Knowing how you really are inside, your secret self, never listen to or accept praise or compliments. They will just make you big headed and egotistical.
Recognize the true importance of a negative interpretation and be certain to always emphasize the negative, and generalize it to yourself whenever possible.
Avoid any awareness of how your negativeness affects others. You have an important role to fulfill for them, and they need your realistic balance.
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The Secret to Attracting Women
Richard was in the South of France, and could not understand why Peter had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he pulled nothing.
So Richard asked Peter, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Peter said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"
So, Richard stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Many hours later, he still had no woman. Richard went to see Peter again and said, "I've tried it and it doesn't work!"
Peter looked at Richard and said, "Have you tried putting the potato in the front?"
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Foreign Made Goods
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good-paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in.....AMERICA.....
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Overturned Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!," the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!," said the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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Vacation With a Difference
Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
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Well, shit...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
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Medical
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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He Called in Sick!
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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Bad News at the Check-Up
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes, the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?", Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad," says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?," asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "OK, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?," asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
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Hand on Your Heart
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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Gone AWOL
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."
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Triangular Plot For Sale
A sweet girl of Seventeen is very eager to offer a small lovely triangular plot for sale. The plot is centrally located on the slope of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date.
For the last Seventeen years, the plot being tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting. For the last four years the plot is covered with shiny black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now covered the wild area.
Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond hidden under it.
Offers are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give out flowing white liquid capital.
The young man should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance, he will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site.
Since the neighbors are waiting for an opportunity to pounce on this marvelous plot, make haste to be first to enter into the site.
Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the double hills on the top of the said plot are already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down. Offers for lease or retail will not be accepted.
NB: ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
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War Games on the Cheap
With the cuts in defense spending, the army had to go without rifles and machine guns. The platoon sergeant gave the men sticks and told them they were rifles and if you tied two sticks together it became a machine gun. When the next war games came, up he told the men, "Just point the stick at the enemy and say 'bangetty bang bang' and they fall over dead. If there are a group of men, point your two sticks at them and say 'ratta tat tat' and they fall over dead."
Private Murphy lay in ambush and when the enemy came by he pointed his stick, shouted "bangetty bang bang" or "ratta tat tat," and they all fell over dead. A whole squad of the enemy came marching down the trail and he jumped out and shouted "ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat," but they kept on coming. They knocked him down, marched over him and continued down the trail.
Battered and bruised he pulled himself up on one elbow and watched them march away. The last man in the squad looked back at Murphy, smiled and said, "Tanketty tank tank, tanketty tank tank."
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Miss America 1921
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?," asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "she'd be way too old."
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Visiting the Stork
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father with a very disappointed look on his face, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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Life in Los Angeles
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A. all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
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Ran Over a Coke Bottle
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."
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Long Time Admirer
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being... a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows..."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.
She replied, "I think it's a great idea... I would love to help you choose your pet dog."
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Lasting an Hour
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
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Two Story House
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is, 'I have a headache,' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month'."
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The Prayer
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
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Nudist Colony
This couple went to a nudist colony with their four year old son. The son asked his father, "Why do some people have big ones and other people have little ones?"
The father, who did not want to get into a detailed discussion of sex organs just said, "The people with the big organs are smart people and the people with the small organs are dumb."
The little boy accepted this explanation and did not ask any more questions.
A little while later the father could not find his wife. So he asked the little boy if he knew where his mother was. The little boy replied, "she's behind the bushes with this real dumb guy who is getting smarter by the minute."
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Will I Have One of Those?
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?," asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?," asked the little one.
"Then," sighed the mother, "you will have many."
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Arresting Street Walkers
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate. "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.
The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."
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Real World
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies:
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you,
you have the right to have an attorney present.
You may kiss the bride."
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Women Drivers
My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!
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Adviser on Sexual Matters
Natasha announced to the bartender, "Seems I've been informally named adviser on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," Natasha answered. "During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts, and I was then told when they wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
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Diagnosed with AIDS
A gay man called Richard goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Richard, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Richard is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat a pound of spicy hot sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeño peppers, 25 walnuts, 25 peanuts, ½ box of GrapeNuts cereal, and then drink a gallon of prune juice."
Richard asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
The doctor says, "No, but it will teach you what your ass is really for."
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Operation Mix-Up
Melvin was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?," Melvin asked nervously.
"Uh, well... there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!," gasped Melvin. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you will, Melvin" reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."
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Talking Dirty
Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: US$3.99 a minute!
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Cruise Ship
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?," a passenger asks the ship's captain.
"I have no idea," says the captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
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The Singing Butt
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! "... On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!," he says, and pulls the cork out again, "... On the road again..."
The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed. "So what?," he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?," the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?," says the morgue attendant, "any asshole can sing country music!"
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You Might Be Computer Illiterate If...
You Might Be Computer Illiterate If...
You think the "escape" key will beam you out of the building in case of fire.
You don't know where the "any" key is.
You try to use the microphone on your PC to tell Windows 95 what to do.
You try to use the microphone on your PC to tell DOS what to do.
You use AOL disks as coasters. (Also a sign that you're a computer geek.)
You've used the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder.
You've used the CD-RW tray as a cup holder.
You think Dilbert creates artificially high standards for managers.
You think laser printers receive print commands by laser beam.
You've ever tried to play a CD-ROM in a stereo.
You've ever tried to talk to a modem on the other end of the line.
You went shopping for Microsoft Bob for Dummies...
...and you really needed it.
You think Microsoft Windows is a rip-off, because it never does what you want it to. (Geeks have this problem too.)
Someone gives you a 5-¼" Floppy and you fold it to fit in your 3-½" Drive and wonder why the drive doesn't work.
You immediately move to Mexico or Canada because you got an "Illegal Operation" error on your computer screen.
You want to drive your car on the 'Information Super-Highway,' as you'd reach your destination quicker.
You think that computer viruses can be passed onto humans through the keyboard.
You don't know the difference between a Meg or a Gig.
You think a kilobyte has something to do with teeth.
You worry about the size of the spider that spun the 'World Wide Web'.
You put down some food for you 'mouse' in case it gets hungry.
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Roses
Red roses were her favorites,
her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them,
tied with pretty bows.
The year he died,
the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine,"
like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses,
and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year,
than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time
that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses
in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early,
way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems,
and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase
beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours,
in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
and the roses sitting there.
A year went by,
and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour,
as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses,
sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in,
and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him,
if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her,
causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away,
more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call,
and you would want to know.
"The flowers you received today,
were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
he left nothing to chance.
"There is a standing order,
that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
you'll get them every year.
"There also is another thing,
that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...
he did this years ago.
"Then, should ever I find out
that he's no longer here,
That's the card... that should be sent,
to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone,
her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking,
as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw
that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,
this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year
since I've been dead and gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard
for you to overcome.
"I know it must be lonely,
and the pain is very real.
Or if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel.
"The love we shared made everything
so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
you were the perfect wife.
"You were my friend and lover,
you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year,
but please try not to grieve.
"I want you to be happy,
even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will
be sent to you for years.
"When you get these roses,
think of all the happiness,
That we had together,
and how both of us were blessed.
"I have always loved you
and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
you have some living still.
"Please... try to find happiness,
while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
but I hope you find some ways.
"The roses will come every year,
and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered,
when the florist stops to knock.
"He will come five times that day,
in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
he will know without a doubt,
"To take the roses to the place,
where I've instructed him.
And place the roses where we are,
together once again."
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is Forever Friendship.
This is the sacred RED ROSE. You MUST pass this rose on to at least 5 people within the hour of receiving this rose. After you do, make a wish. If you have passed it on, your wish will come true and love will come your way shortly. If not your life will stay the same as it has always been. (No Threats). Just be nice & pass it on....
May we all be loved so much.
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At the Gates of Heaven
St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.
"Excuse me, can I help you?," he asks. "No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
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The Bully
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies, and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making "yum yum" noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?," the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!," he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
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Laws
1. The Law of Common Sense. Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
2. The Law of Reality. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell. When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
4. Law of Physical Displacement. Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
5. Legal Rights. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
6. Law of Probable Dispersal. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
7. Law Pertaining to Divorce. Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him... get a good lawyer... keep his house.
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State Slogans
* Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity!
* Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
* Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
* Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
* California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
* Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
* Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
* Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
* Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
* Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
* Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
* Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
* Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
* Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
* Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
* Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
* Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
* Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
* Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
* Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
* Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
* Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
* Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
* Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
* Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
* Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
* Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
* Nevada: Whores and Poker!
* New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
* New Jersey: You Want A F***ing Motto? I Got Yer F***ing Motto Right Here!
* New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
* New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
* North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
* North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
* Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
* Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
* Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
* Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
* Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
* South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
* South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
* Tennessee: The Educashun State
* Texas: ¡Sí, hablo inglés! (Yes, I Speak English!)
* Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
* Vermont: Yep!
* Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
* Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
* Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
* West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
* Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
* Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!!!
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Terrorist in Your Office
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
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Two Mischievous Boys
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bello"Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
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Hilarious Science Papers
Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)...
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five—a, e, i, o, and u.
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The Confessional
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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From the Horse's Mouth
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?," he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
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The Mind Reader
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
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The Lesbian and The Cowboy
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV... everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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The Celibacy Test
There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell—around their penis.
A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest...
"Ting-a-ling"
The chief priest said, "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower."
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard,
"Ting-a-ling"
"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!
"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph".
"Ting-a-ling"
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My Dad's Faster
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
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WGASA Zoo
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history.
What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"
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White Hairs
One day, a girl walked to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Think!
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it—"Think!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read—"Thoap!"
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Bob Smith
NOTICE
Be sure to read through to the bottom...
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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The Bugged Room
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."
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Making Love on the Lawn
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?," queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
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I Am Being Robbed
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!," she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed!," her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
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This Penis Wants a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don't get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
5. You do not take initiative—you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You'll retire well before reaching 65.
9. You're unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
11. And if that were all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
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The History of Medicine
* 2000 B.C. — Here, eat this root.
* 1000 A.D. — That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
* 1850 A.D. — That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
* 1940 A.D. — That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
* 1985 A.D. — That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
* 2003 A.D. — That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
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Privacy in Cheap Housing
A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbour.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
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A Good Companion
A young lady visited a marriage matchmaker, hoping for the best. She said to the matchmaker, "I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find someone suitable?"
"Certainly," said the matchmaker. "What are your requirements?"
"Well," she explained, "he needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don't go out. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, but to be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker listened carefully. Then he smiled and said, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television!"
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New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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Defense Lawyer's Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client, "what's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "your cholesterol is down to 140."
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Rooster Competition
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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If You Love Something
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.
THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat.
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high.
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody,
don't ever set her free.
THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody,
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant.
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme.
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody,
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
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The Head Lions
Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said:
"That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."
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Four Surgeons
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
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Dog Friendly Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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Letter of Recommendation
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
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Drugstore
Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about diabetes? We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name the condition and we have what works."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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Squirrels and Church Attendance
A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within three days they were all back in the church.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
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Microsoft Announces Operation Red, White and Blue Screen of Death
Microsoft, Military Announce Operation Red, White and Blue Screen of Death
By Brian Briggs
Qatar (Monday, March 31 2003) — A Microsoft spokesman announced today at Central Command in the desert of Qatar, that Microsoft recently helped the allied war effort by donating 100,000 fully licensed copies of Windows 95 to the current Iraqi regime.
Unbeknownst to the Iraqis, this "gift" from Microsoft is part of the psychological warfare and infrastructure destruction campaign of the allied forces, called "Operation Red, White and Blue Screen of Death."
The copies of Windows 95 were standard copies of the software with only one devious change.
Microsoft's VP of Marketing Marie Bixby explained, "All the instability, and bugs that came with the original version are still there, but as part of the psychological operations of the war, we modified the infamous Blue Screen of Death to the more patriotic red, white and blue. General Protection Fault will be marching all over the Iraqi regime, and he'll be waving Old Glory."
"We have been very careful not to destroy any critical infrastructure in Iraq," said Brigadier General Victor Hanlon. "But that is about to change. Windows 95 will destroy the information technology infrastructure of Iraq almost immediately. Microsoft even modified their license agreement to allow Iraqis to copy the software onto multiple computers without further licensing requirements."
Experts agreed that the Iraqi people will not be able to resist such powerful imagery. Retired programmer Yvette Keeling said, "Using Windows 95 will be very frustrating for Hussein and his henchmen. He'll be typing up military orders then BAM, the system will crash and the flag will be flying in his face. I wouldn't be surprised if he surrendered right then and there."
The Iraqi government was suspicious of the deal, but accepted the donation when Microsoft showed them the powerful land mine removal simulator, Minesweeper.
Ambassadors from France decried the move as a violation of the Geneva Convention and stated that, "no regime or people, no matter how evil, should be subjected to such tortures."
Microsoft did not receive payment from the US government as part of the operation, but does hope to profit by offering upgrades to Windows XP after the war has ended.
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Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.