Julio de 2003
Owed to a Spell Checker
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 1 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Ha continuacion, el autor nos hace una demostrasion de lo necesario que es aprender ha escrivir bien.
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin Knot Sea.
Eye strikes a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye is wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye has run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh -
My checker tolled me sew.
My Wife is Cheating with a Horse
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 2 Jul 2003
A man is talking to his friend. "I think my wife is being unfaithful to me. And I think she's going out with a tennis player."
The friend asks, "Tennis player? Why?"
"Because", answers the other, "I found a racquet under our bed".
The friend thinks for some seconds and says, "Gee, I think then my wife is being unfaithful to me with a horse".
"A horse?? How come? Why??"
"Because I found a jockey under our bed."
COMENTARIO: ¡Agárralo, que va sin jockey!
Are You Feeling Old?
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 2 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Todos los años, el Benoit College de Benoit, Wisconsin, recopila una lista de observaciones sobre la visión que los estudiantes de nuevo ingreso al sistema universitario tienen del mundo en el que viven, así como su conocimiento (o falta del mismo) de los acontecimientos históricos y culturales que forjaron la realidad de hoy en día.1 El siguiente mensaje se basa en la primera recopilación de dicha lista (Class of 2002 Mindset List), cuya primera línea dice que los estudiantes que ahora son la Clase Graduada de 2002 nacieron en el año 1980. La premisa en la que se basa esto es que el estudiante promedio ingresa a la universidad a los 18 años de edad y completa los cuatro años de educación subgraduada a la edad de 22 años—por lo menos, eso es así en Puerto Rico y en los Estados Unidos. En el original de lo que sigue se indica que dichos estudiantes habrían nacido en 1983, por lo que presumo que el autor del mensaje quiso poner al día los datos del 2002. — LDB.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in [1980].
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has only been one Pope.2 They can only really remember one president.
They were [3 years old] when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Morning After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
They are too young to remember the [Challenger] space shuttle disaster, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played the original Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
The first Star Wars trilogy looks very fake to them, and the special effects are boring.
There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
The Compact Disc was introduced before they were born.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 [up to 37] cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what Beta is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born after Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R., and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
NOTAS REVISADAS EL DÍA 27 DE AGOSTO DE 2005:
1 Para más información, visite la página de The Mindset List.
2 El dÍa 2 de abril de 2005, mientras yo revisaba esta página (hacia las 17:00:00 -04:00), el mundo recibió la triste noticia del fallecimiento del Papa Juan Pablo II (nacido como Karol Wojtyla en Polonia en 1920), tras su larga batalla contra varias condiciones de salud que le aquejaron en los últimos años de su Papado.
LDB.
A Ride into Town
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 2 Jul 2003
John was driving his brand new Ferrari into town on a very windy day. He came upon a big hill and saw a man riding his bike along the highway. The man was huffing and puffing to get up the steep hill and John felt sorry for him, so he pulled over and asked him, "Do you need a ride into town?"
"That would be mighty kind of you mister," the man said. "But where can we put my bike?"
John said, "Well, I know it won't fit in my trunk and I don't want to put it on top because it might scratch my car. But I got a rope in my trunk and we could tie it from my bumper to your bike and if I start going too fast, you just ring that little bell on your bike."
"Well that sounds like a good idea," the man said. So they headed off into town and came upon a stoplight.
Just then another man pulled up next to John in a Ferrari. The other man looked over and said to John, "Hey, you wanna race?"
John, forgetting all about the man on his bike, said, "You bet!"
The light turned green and they tore off out of town. They were still neck and neck when they went speeding past a state trooper. The state trooper clocked them doing 95 miles an hour.
The trooper, thinking he was seeing things, called up his partner back at the station and said, "Hey Tom, you won't believe what I just saw. I clocked two Ferrari's doing 95 miles an hour outside of town, and a man on his bike, ringing his bell trying to pass them!"
Three Hymns
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 2 Jul 2003
The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate and when the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate. He stopped the service and announced that who ever put the $100 bill in the plate please stand up. A gay man stood up and the preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
The gay guy looked around, then pointing to some other church-goers, said "Well, I'll take him and him and him."
Potatoes
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 3 Jul 2003
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work . His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba."
Hair Salon Tune
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 2 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Yo creo que ni siquiera el "Negrito Bombón" (apodo del estilista puertorriqueño Vicente Martínez) puede hacer que esta "minguinguingui" luzca "re-gia"...
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Where's the Toilets?
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
Legal Advice
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Automobile Acronyms
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Asshole Under Delusional Influence
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Black Man's Weiner (extension)
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!
Fucking Idiot Allowed to Travel
FORD
(Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Break down
SKODA
Some Kind Of Dodgy Automobile
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
Vomit on Wheels
New Fathers
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations sir, you've just had twins!"
"Wow, this is great!," he exclaims, "And, what a coincidence, I work at Twin City Federal!"
A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room, approaches the second guy and says, "Congratulations sir, you've just had triplets!"
"Are you serious?!," he replies. "This is the greatest day of my life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!"
At this moment the third guys says, "That's it, I'm outta here!"
The second guy asks why.
Third guy says, "I work at 7-11!"
The Naughty Preacher
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving service, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now—right here—before my flock of loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
COMENTARIO: ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡UUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
How do you spell....
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Expectant Father
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive—at his in-laws place.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc., otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."
The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."
So he sends the message, "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".
Limit Your Sex Life
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
Second Opinion
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
Washed Out to Sea
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Bueno, ¿pero y qué más quiere esta señora?
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
Funny Quote
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
"When I was a young boy, my father taught me that to be a good Catholic, I had to confess at church if I ever had impure thoughts about a girl. That very evening I had to rush to confess my sin. And the next night, and the next. After a week, I decided religion wasn't for me."
--Cuban President Fidel Castro, in The Economist, Aug. 16th, 1997.
COMENTARIO: OK, por lo menos en eso él tiene razón... ¡La religión no es lo de él!
The Birthday Present
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 4 Jul 2003
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling — 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
A Princess?
FROM: Ron Ablang
DATE: 5 Jul 2003
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch!"
Idiots Are Everywhere!
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 9 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Todo esto, ¡ya yo lo sabía! Si al lado de mi lugar de trabajo hay 78 de ellos... 27 en el Senado y 51 en la Cámara de Representantes... y eso, que no estoy contando a los asesores (el resto del personal no tiene culpa alguna)...
Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
A friend was signing the receipt for his credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that he had never signed his name on the back of the credit card. She informed him that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When he asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature he just signed on the receipt.
So he signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one he signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
A customer at a sandwich shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said,"Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Idiots in the Neighbourhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Idiots In Food Services:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the clerk behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat.... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
My brother is an idiot... in fact, he's too thick to be stupid.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?????????
I'll e-mail you with the answer in my next message.....
Choking on a Quarter
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 6 Jul 2003
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!," the father, cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Raising Money for the Church Fund
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 6 Jul 2003
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
Sexy Woman Lying Next to You
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 6 Jul 2003
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy woman lying next to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
I Feel Like a Marine
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 6 Jul 2003
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
How Many Toes Does a Pig Have?
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 6 Jul 2003
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
Fully Tested
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 7 Jul 2003
At an electronics company the sales representative was showing prospective customers around the plant. As he led the group into the test department, a circuit board suddenly flew across the room, thrown by a quick-tempered technician frustrated in his attempts to repair it. The board crashed off a wall and landed right at our visitors' feet. Our sales rep calmly continued his pitch: "As you can see, all our products are fully shock- and vibration-tested before leaving the factory."
Post Operative Sex Life
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 7 Jul 2003
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.
So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
COMENTARIO: En otras palabras, algunas cosas... hay veces que lo mejor es no decirlas... ¡y mucho menos después de una cirugía!
99 Nuns
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 7 Jul 2003
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...
Money is not everything......
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 9 Jul 2003
Money is not everything......
Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy medicine, but not health.
Money can buy sex, but not love.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much, please give some to me :-)
Parking Ticket
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 10 Jul 2003
A young woman was doing some business at Marshall University and parked in an area clearly marked "no parking."
After taking care of business, she returned to her car to find a campus security guard writing her a ticket.
"Why are you giving me a ticket?," she asked.
"You're not allowed to park here," the guard said. "See that sign? It says, 'Fine for Parking Here.'"
"Well," said the violator, "I thought it was a fine place to park."
The guard began to laugh. The more he thought about it, the harder he laughed.
He tore up the ticket and waved the woman on her way.
Just a Little Gas
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 10 Jul 2003
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?," inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "it's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
CIA
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 11 Jul 2003
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job, then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Guard Dog
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 7 Jul 2003
In a town filled with crime, a young married couple were worried after 3 of their neighbours had been burgled. They decided they should get a guard dog.
The wife went to the local pet store and asked the assistant, "Do you have any guard dogs?" The sales assistant replied, "sorry Ma'am, we're all sold out. All we have left is a Scottie Dog... but he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says to the dog: "Karate the chair." The wee dog then goes up to the chair and wack, he breaks it into tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical about this little Dog's abilities as a guard dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate, he laughed and said: "Karate my ass!".
Advantages of Breast Milk
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 8 Jul 2003
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good—maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
Groucho Marx
From: grouchofan
Date: 9 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Si la atribución de la cita a Groucho Marx es correcta, esto podría ser una buena lección para muchos "comediantes" de nuestros días (un problema muy notable en la televisión puertorriqueña de los últimos 20 a 25 años). — LDB.
Groucho Marx was the greatest comedian that ever lived. His humor was truly cerebral. Groucho's greatest line was, "If a comedian has to be dirty to be funny, then he isn't very funny."
How true!
Happy Butt
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 12 Jul 2003
It was this little girl's first day of school. The teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"
Kindhearted Priest
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 12 Jul 2003
A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"
El Mejor Chiste
FROM: tania
DATE: 10 Jul 2003
Un hombre toca el timbre de una casa y sale un niño con cara de travieso:
-¿Está tu papá?
-No, se mató al chocar contra un camión.
-¿Está tu mamá?
-No, también se mató al chocar contra un camión.
-¿Algún hermano mayor?
-Se mataron todos al chocar contra un camión.
-¿Sólo tú te salvaste? No puede ser...
-Sí, es que yo era quien conducía el camión.
Chistes
FROM: tania
DATE: 10 Jul 2003
-Doctor, doctor, ¿qué tal ha ido el parto?
-Bueno, todo muy bien, pero a su hijo le hemos tenido que poner oxígeno.
-¿¿Oxígeno?? Con la ilusión que a mí me hacía ponerle Federico...
Arraaaaaaankennnn!
FROM: Le Agcé
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
Después de unas 4 horas de sexo salvaje en donde pasaron por todas las posiciones conocidas, incluyendo la vueltita verde en el departamento de ella, el joven se da la vuelta, saca un cigarrillo de sus jeans y busca su encendedor.
Como no lo encuentra, le pregunta a la mina si tiene uno a mano.
"Debe haber algunos fósforos en el cajón de la mesita de noche," responde ella.
Él abre el cajón y encuentra la cajita de fósforos... al lado de la foto de un hombre con terno y bigotes. Lógicamente, el joven se preocupa y pregunta:
"¿Es tu esposo?"
"No, tontito," responde ella, que se le acurruca amorosamente debajo del brazo mientras le pasa la mano por encima del niño.
"Tu enamorado, entonces?" repite él.....
"No, para nada mi wuawuita," dice ella, mientras le mordisquea la orejita.
"Bueno, ¿quién mierda es él entonces?," pregunta el desconcertado muchacho.
Serenamente, la chica responde:
"Era yo... ¡¡¡antes de la operación!!!"
Lenguaje
FROM: [-PeEvEs->]
DATE: 15 Jul 2003
El director general de un banco se preocupa por un joven director estrella que, después de almorzar, se empieza a ausentar al mediodía. Llama al detective privado del banco y le ordena:
"Siga a Alvarado un día entero, no vaya a ser que ande en algo malo".
El investigador cumple con el cometido, vuelve e informa:
"Alvarado sale normalmente al mediodía, toma su auto, va a su casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a su mujer, se fuma uno de sus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar".
"Ah, bueno, menos mal, no hay nada malo en todo eso".
"¿emmm.....Puedo tutearlo, señor?", pregunta el detective.
"¡Sí, cómo no!", responde sorprendido el director.
"Repito: Alvarado sale normalmente al mediodía, toma tu auto, va a tu casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a tu mujer, se fuma uno de tus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar".
Veedores
FROM: [-PeEvEs->]
DATE: 15 Jul 2003
Lista de veedores electorales.
A fin de asegurar reglas y procedimientos claros en la administracion publica del gobierno de Chile... y como medida de terminar de una vez por todas con las coimas y sobresueldos... se ha resuelto invitar a presenciar los comicios a una serie de Veedores internacionales que, por su impoluta trayectoria personal, son una verdadera garantía de "TRANSPARENCIA".
Dichos veedores son:
ALEMANIA - OTTO VON FRAUDEN
ANDORRA - MILKA GADAS
ARABIA SAUDITA - ELIM POSTOR
BOLIVIA - AQUILES BENGOA FANAR
BRASIL - ENRIQUE CIDO DE COIMA
CANADÁ - ROB ARNOS
LOCAL - BENITO MEMO
CHINA - CHAN CHU YO
COLOMBIA - GUSTAVO LACEAR
COREA DEL SUR - KUAN DO NO
CUBA - SILVO PANADA
ECUADOR - ARMANDO ROSCAS
ESPAÑA - PACO GERLOS
FRANCIA - PIERR D´ELVOTTO
GRECIA - HURTO SINESCRUPULOS
JAMAICA - KEKO JONES
HOLANDA - LOOS VAN AESTAFFAR
INDIA - GHANDI SIMA KUR RADA
ISRAEL - ABRAHAM URNAS
ITALIA - MASSIMO ATRACCO
JAPÓN - YAMIBOTO NOTAMAS
LÍBANO - MESTAFA AL-BOTAR
MÉXICO - DIADEMA NEJOS
NIGERIA - KEDE LYRIO
PANAMÁ - MANY PULEO
PORTUGAL - FLOR DE TRAMPINHA
REPÚBLICA CHECA - IVANA K GARNOS
RUMANIA - ROBELE SINOLOPESCU
UGANDA - AMI MEWELE ATUFO
URUGUAY - JUSTO ESTEBAN DOLERO
USA - JOHNNY MIRO
VENEZUELA - T.Q. RAMOS
VIETNAM - JO DAN SE
COMENTARIO: ¿Tan malas están las cosas que ni Jimmy Carter está disponible? (Y a todo esto, por Puerto Rico pudieron haber incluido en la lista a Julián Gil o a Maripily...)
¿Mafioso?
FROM: Ramonfib
DATE: 17 Jul 2003
Esto es un niño que le dice a su madre, "Mamá, mamá, en la escuela me llaman mafioso." Y su madre le dice:
- Mañana iré a hablar con el director.
- Bueno, que parezca un accidente.
La Soberbia
From: Templare
Date: 17 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: A decir verdad, conozco a varios compañeros de trabajo a quienes les vendría bien seguir este método...
Método rápido y práctico para dejar la soberbia
La soberbia es una forma particular de la discapacidad que suele afectar a los gobernantes, directivos, funcionarios, etc. Pero también a porteros, chóferes de colectivo, empleados públicos y a casi todos aquellos infelices mortales que se encuentran de golpe con una miserable cuota de poder. He aquí algunos consejos para no caer en la tentación:
1. Diríjase usted a una zona rural, elija el campo que más le guste, desnúdese y espere que anochezca.
2. Cruce entonces el alambrado con cuidado de no perder ninguno de los atributos de poder, y camine hasta que sienta que está en medio de la soledad más absoluta.
3. Una vez allí levante la cabeza al cielo y mire las estrellas. En ese instante usted visto desde el espacio debe ser algo así como un virus instalado sobre una pelota de fútbol.
4. Piense entonces que está usted parado sobre un minúsculo planeta que gira en torno al sol, y que el sol es nada más que una estrella pequeña entre millones de estrellas que usted está viendo y que forman nuestra galaxia.
5. Recuerde además que nuestra galaxia es una de millones de galaxias que desde hace millones de años giran alrededor del espacio.
6. Una vez que haya hecho esto coloque los brazos en forma de jarra sobre la cintura en actitud desafiante, o adopte cualquier otra postura que le parezca lo suficientemente cabal como para expresar el inmenso poder que usted tiene, e hinchando las venas del cuello grite con toda la voz que sea capaz de juntar en ese momento: "YO SÍ QUE SOY ALGUIEN VERDADERAMENTE PODEROSO".
Luego espere a ver el resultado. Si ve que algunas estrellas se sacuden, no se haga demasiado problema. Es Dios, que a veces no puede aguantar la risa.
Work Eyes
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 12 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Y como este individuo, por ahí hay unos cuantos... ¡que tienen problemas de la vista!
A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance.
"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work."
Taken Up Knitting
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 12 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: La verdad es que yo no creo que haya una señora más ingenua... ¡perdón!... más MORONA que ésta.
Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"
"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"
Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"
Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
Jokester's Joke Of The Week
FROM: Jokester
DATE: 13 Jul 2003
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it... but first, I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn't apply to you, don't laugh... your day is coming!
COMENTARIO: ¡Ea rayo! ¿No era hoy que yo tenía que cambiarle el filtro y el aceite de motor a mi carro? ¿Y qué hago yo aquí colocando este mensaje?
Old Age Sex Life
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 13 Jul 2003
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well...," the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Jack, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
Finding Jesus
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 13 Jul 2003
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?," he asked.
"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!," says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!," the drunk slurs again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you shur this ish where he fell in?"
The Frog and The Fortune Teller
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you."
The frog says,"Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't miss her."
The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class."
COMENTARIO: Yo no sé, hay algo en este chiste que me recuerda mis tiempos como instructor de laboratorio de Ciencias Biológicas en la Universidad de Puerto Rico en Río Piedras (1986–87)... pero, ¿qué será?
Banter Bit
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
A man passes by a restaurant sign that says "Unusual Breakfast".
He goes inside and asks the waitress, "What is your unusual breakfast?"
She replies, "Fried Chicken Tongue."
"Fried chicken tongue! I would never eat anything that came out of a chickens mouth!"
"Well what will you have then?," she asks.
"Oh, just give me some scrambled eggs".
Wild Imagination
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
She tried me on the sofa
She tried me on the chair
She tried me on the windowsill
But she could not get it there
She tried me on the couch
I stood against the wall
I even lay upon the floor
But it would not work at all
She tried her best to do it
In front and in the rear
But no matter how She tried to help
My things got out of gear
She tried it this way and that way
I really had a laugh
To see how many times she tried
To take my photograph................
What did u think?... tch, tch, tch...
People these days.....
Let their imaginations run wild.
COMENTARIO: HMMMM! Lo mismo que yo digo...
The Strength of a Man
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 14 Jul 2003
The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It's seen in the width of his arms that circle you.
The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
Its how good a buddy he is with his kids.
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
Its in how tender he touches.
The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can carry.
The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved.
It's in how can he be true to one woman.
COMENTARIO: "El significado de 'ser hombre' no es 'machismo'".
(Glenn Monroig, "Me Dijeron...")
What is the Difference Between the Ages of GiRls:
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
What is the difference between the ages of GiRls:
8, 18, 28,38, 48 and 58???
8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story!!!!
Hit by a Cricket Ball
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 15 Jul 2003
Fred was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Steve there clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?", Fred said. "I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!," said his friend.
Just then Fred's wife, Karen, came to the door and said, "Quick, come in here and I'll look after you".
When Fred looked in the kitchen he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair, his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.
"Christ!", thought Fred. "How do you feel?," he said.
His friend turned and said, "Fred, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then holding his finger in the air he said, "But I still think I will lose the nail!"
The Van Gogh Family
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 15 Jul 2003
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt.........................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.............................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle..................................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..........Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........................U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois...............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.....................................Wherediddit Gogh
His Mexican cousin.....................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..............................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...............................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.....................Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle...................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst...............................E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew...............................Poe Gogh
The hairdresser........................................Washan Gogh
The marathon runner....................................Readysteady Gogh
Top 25 Signs That You've Already Grown Up
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 16 Jul 2003
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Milking the Cow
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 17 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: ¿Quién de los dos es más "animal": la vaca o este individuo?
After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
Get Behind Me, Satan
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 19 Jul 2003
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!," he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed. "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
Raising Church Funds
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 19 Jul 2003
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend.
The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed around he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least $5.00 in the collection plate, I will reveal his name."
Later, as the preacher counted the money, he found twenty $5.00 bills and a $2.00 bill with a note that read, "Forever hold your peace! I'll have that other $3.00 before sundown!!"
COMENTARIO: Ejem... y eso, que yo no puse mis $5.00 en el cepillo porque lo que yo tenía a mano era un billete de US$20.00 sin cambiar...
Reasons to Go to Work Nude
FROM: Mr Funny Bone International
DATE: 19 Jul 2003
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Goggle Error
FROM: HumorZombie
DATE: 19 Jul 2003
This is good.
1. Go to Google.com.
2. Type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction".
3. Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search".
4. READ what appears to be a normal error message.
COMENTARIO: Para quienes de veras estén interesados, la página en cuestión es la siguiente: Can Not Find Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Teach 'em the Ropes Young
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 13 Jul 2003
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"
"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight'."
Accident Reports
FROM: Linda Franklin
DATE: 14 Jul 2003
Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms:
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
Chiste Sicológico
FROM: Légolas
DATE: 22 Jul 2003
Lunes 1:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Que rico, me encanta el arroz con huevo, es mi plato preferido, es lo máximo, ....
Martes 2:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Que rico, me gusta el arroz con huevo, es uno de mis platos preferidos,....
Miércoles 3:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Que bueno, el arroz con huevo es bueno, es un plato agradable,....
Jueves 4:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: mmmmmmmm, está bien, total el arroz con huevo igual salva...
Viernes 5:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Que!!!!!!!, otro día más de arroz con huevo, he comido arroz con huevo toda la semana....
Sábado 6:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Ta'madre!!!!!!!, me estoy comenzando a cabrear del arroz con huevo.... y pensar que hasta hace poco me gustaba....
Domingo 7:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: NOOOOO!!!! no lo puedo soportar, por favor, tengan piedad de miiiii.......hasta cuando cresta, la misma weá....
Lunes 8:
Niño: Mamá que hay de comer???
Mamá: Arroz con huevo.
Niño: Que rico, me encanta el arroz con huevo, es mi plato preferido, es lo máximo, ....
Stealing Bread
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 20 Jul 2003
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?," asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Stop Paging Me
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 20 Jul 2003
PREGUNTA PREGUNTATIVA: ¿Y todavía al comienzo del Siglo 21 hay quien se comunica mediante pager?
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?," the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
COMENTARIO: Por cierto, si alguien ve por ahí a Lowcell, díganle que me envíe un mensaje a mi celular, ¿OK?
Gas Guzzling Dog
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 20 Jul 2003
A man was walking his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a friend, his dog started lapping up some gasoline that was on the ground. Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran after him. A short time later, the man came back with the limp dog in his arms. His friend asked him, "Is he dead?"
The man answered, "No, he just ran out of gasoline."
Runway-Kill
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 21 Jul 2003
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
COMENTARIO: OK, ya está decidido... la próxima vez que yo me vaya de viaje pediré pollo...
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 21 Jul 2003
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't
working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.
Women Can't Be Pleased
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 23 Jul 2003
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
Worst Seat on the Plane
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 23 Jul 2003
A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.
"Yes, Sir?," the stewardess said.
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."
The stewardess just sighed loudly and said "Captain, just shut up and land the damn plane."
COMENTARIO: ¿Tan malas están las cosas en esta línea aérea? A que aquí también hacen como un par de chistes atrás con el "roadkill" del extremo de la pista...
Meeting People
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 23 Jul 2003
Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?," I asked, very concerned.
She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."
Birthday Gift
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 24 Jul 2003
Looking for something different for my sister's birthday gift, I decided on a pair of pyjamas made up of bright scenic prints of the natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off. I just received this email from her:
"Dear Bro," she wrote. "I don't mind having '12,948 feet high' indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent 'greatest natural span' across my bottom!"
Sex in the Drive In Movie
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 24 Jul 2003
This guy had a beautiful woman for a girl friend, but he was too ashamed to screw her because of his small dick.
So one day while they were at the drive-in movies, he decides that now was a good time to screw her because she wouldn't be able to see his dick size.
So, halfway through the movie, he unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick and sticks it in her hand.
She then replied, "No thank you, I don't smoke!!"
Science Class
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 25 Jul 2003
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?," says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a very DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Death by Breakfast Food
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 25 Jul 2003
TAAAN-TA-TAN-TAN... TAAAN-TA-TAN-TAN-TAAAAAAAAAAAAN...
[El siguiente relato se basa en hechos verídicos... (¡Ja! ¡Las ganas de que así fuera!) Los nombres fueron cambiados... ¡porque me dio la gana!]
TAAAN-TA-TAN-TAN-TAAAAAAAAAAAAN...
PRÓLOGO: Era un viernes. Hacía "una calor" en San Juan. Yo estaba chequeando los mensajes de ese día en alt.humor cuando recibí una llamada a las 12:22:11 +0100. La llamada avisaba de que un "perro del infierno" estaba intentando matar de la risa con el siguiente chiste detectivesco. Había que "pararle el caballito"... Mi apellido es Beltrán... Soy investigador de chistes...
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?," asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
TAAAN-TA-TAN-TAN-TAAAAAAAAAAAAN...
[EPÍLOGO: El sospechoso fue dejado en libertad para seguir colocando chistes a diestro y siniestro en la Internet.]
Sewing Machine For Sale
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 25 Jul 2003
The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale—R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
What Did You Say?
FROM: AlcoRS2
DATE: 21 Jul 2003
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around; the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
Para Continuar con el Enriquecimiento de Su Vocabulario
FROM: Gustavo Baeza Hidalgo
DATE: 30 Jul 2003
Para continuar con el enriquecimiento de su vocabulario. Léanlo atentamente:
CAMARON: aparato enorme que saca fotos.
CIRCUITO: lugar donde trabajan payasitos enanitos.
DECIMAL: pronuncie equivocadamente!!!!
BECERRO: observar una loma o colina.
BATIMIENTO: Batman es Clark Kent!!!!!!
BERMUDAS: observar a las que no hablan.
BERRO: bastor aleban.
BERGANTIN: aparato reproductor de RIN TIN TIN.
BARBARISMO: coleccion exagerada de muñecas barbies.
POLINESIA: mujer policia que no entiende razones.
ASTRONOMIA: el sol que no hace pipi.
TELEPATIA: aparato de TV para la hermana de mi mama.
TELON: TV de 50 pulgadas o mas.
SUPERVISION: ojos de Clark Kent.
TOTOPO: mamamifero ciciego dede pepelo nenegro que cocome frifrijoles.
TUBERCULO: expresion de los apaches cuando alguien los veia desnudos.
TUNICA: unica nica de tu propiedad.
ANOMALO: culo no muy agradable
ANTILOPES: Lo que es ProGutierrez.
ATIBORRARTE: desaparecerte.
BANDEJA: expresion que les gritan a las mujeres arabes cuando manejan.
BENCENO: lo que los bebes hacen con los ojos cuando toman leche.
CACAREO: excremento del preso.
CACHIVACHE: pequeño hoyo en el pavimento que esta a punto de convertirse en bache.
CAVERNICOLA: pequeño excusado al que no le cave casi nada.
CENTIMETRO: lo que ciente la novia en su luna de miel.
CHINCHILLA: auchenchia de un lugar para chentarche.
CIUDADANO: parte trasera de una urbe.
COMADREJA: madrileja de mi hijejo.
CONSOLIDANDOSE: situacion en la que esta una pareja de recien casados en la playa.
DECAIMIENTO: diez imientos.
DECAPITO: superhombre.
DIADEMAS: veintinueve de febrero.
DILEMAS: hablale mas
DIOGENES: la embarazo.
DIPUTADAS: hablá como mariquita.
ELECCION: lo que expelimenta un oliental al vel una pelicula polno.
EMANA: la ota ija de mi ama y mi apa.
ENDOSCOPIO: me preparo para todos los examenes excepto para dos.
ENVERGADURA: lugar donde se ponen los condones.
FEHACIENTE: antonimo de bonita no ciente.
LASTIMARON: les dijeron que nomas la puntita.
MANIFIESTA: reventon de cacahuates.
MENSULA: tontula, babosula.
MEOLLO: meescucho
NUEVAMENTE: cerebro sin usar.
ONDEANDO: ondestoy.
PREVENIDO: acabar antes que tu pareja.
SOLVENTE: lo que le dice la luna al sol durante un eclipse.
TALENTO: no'ta'rapido.
TIROIDES: entonces la recojoides.
Ricos y Pobres
FROM: [-PeEvEs->]
DATE: 30 Jul 2003
Es duro ser pobre...
Rico con uniforme: Militar.
Pobre con uniforme: Portero.
Rico con arma: Praticante de tiro.
Pobre con pistola: Delicuente.
Rico de uñas pintadas: Playboy, estar IN.
Pobre de uñas pintadas: Puta.
Rico con maleta: Ejecutivo.
Pobre com maleta: Junior, vendedor puerta a puerta.
Rico con chofer: Millonario.
Pobre con chofer: Preso.
Rico con sandalias: Turista.
Pobre con sandálias: Mendigo.
Rico jugando Billar: Elegante.
Pobre jugando Pool: Enviciado en el juego y alcohólico.
Rico leyendo el diario: Intelectual, bien informado.
Pobre leyendo el diario: Buscando Pega.
Rico con medicamentos: Alérgico.
Pobre con medicamentos: Sarnoso.
Rico corriendo: Deportista, jogging.
Pobre corriendo: Ladron, lanza.
Rico vestido de blanco: Doctor.
Pobre vestido de blanco: Personal de Aseo.
Rico pescando: Fly Fishing.
Pobre pescando: Pa' comer.
Rico en restaurant: Cliente.
Pobre en restaurant: Garzón.
Rico guatón: La buena mesa.
Pobre guatón: Chancho asqueroso.
Rico rascando la cabeza: Pensando.
Pobre rascando la cabeza: Piojento.
Rico gay: Diseñador, Alta costura,.
Pobre gay: maricón, puto.
Rico de terno: Empresario.
Pobre de terno: Difunto.
Rico manejando: Dueño del auto.
Pobre manejando: Chofer.
Rico llorando: sensible.
Pobre llorando: es niñita, maricón.
Cabra con Sed
FROM: Remberto Gomez Meda (El Meda)
DATE: 30 Jul 2003
Van dos amigos caminando por el campo, uno le dice al otro:
- No puedo aguantar la sed...
- Tranquilo, que llegaremos a un pozo dentro de poco.
Llegan al pozo, se acercan y comenta uno de ellos:
-Parece que no se ve agua aquí, espera que tiraré una piedra.
Mira a un lado y otro y ve una gran piedra, la agarra y la tira dentro del pozo. Después de un moimento se la oye caer al agua.
-Pues parece que esta profundo- Dicen. En esto ven bajar una cabra corriendo hacia donde están ellos.
La cabra se tira de cabeza al pozo, y dice uno:
-Ésta tenía más sed que tu, ¿Eh...?
Entonces aparece el cabrero y les pregunta:
-Buenas tardes. ¿Han visto una cabra por aquí?
-Sí señor, acaba de tirarse al pozo la pobrecilla. Seguro que tenia sed.
-¿...? ¿Pero cómo se va a tirar al pozo la cabra, si la tenía yo bien amarrada a una piedra...?
Entertaining the Troops
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
COMENTARIO: Bueno, ahora que Bob Hope no estará más con nosotros, me imagino que el Ejército de los Estados Unidos tendrá que buscar entertainers para sus soldados, DONDE SEA...
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this HOT dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!"
Gay Man in the Redneck Bar
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
Bruce, a strapping hunk of a man, walks into a redneck bar. He walks over to the bartender and says, "Hey there, gook looking, I'll have a glass of white wine."
A bit shocked, the bartender replies, "What are you a homo or something?"
Bruce, unruffled, says, "Actually I prefer the term 'gay'. And yes I am gay."
"Look", the bartender said, "This bar is full of redneck cowboys. They hate gays. If you stay there will be trouble."
Bruce answerers, "I won't bother anyone."
Bartender says, "Ok, but sit over there in the corner and don't say a word."
After a while, a large, grizzly man thunders in and proclaims, "I'm so damn thirsty I could lick the sweat from the balls of a Brahma Bull!"
A small voice rings out from the corner of the bar, "MOO, MOO, BUCKEROO"
The Perfect Man
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.... Mr. Potato Head.
He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
The Perfect Man Poem
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is GAY.
Marriage Proposal
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?," asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
Famous Writer
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 28 Jul 2003
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Wild Jamaican Sex!!
FROM: curmudgeon
DATE: 27 Jul 2003
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
COMENTARIO: ¡Eh, eh! Y yo que pensaba entrar a esa tiendita, mejor me voy corriendo pa' que ese tipo no me alcance...
Made in Japan
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 28 Jul 2003
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by. "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150."
"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."
Solo Flight
FROM: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
DATE: 28 Jul 2003
A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime "solo" flight.
He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said:
"Guess whoooo?"
Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said:
"Guess whereee..."
Strange Warnings
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 28 Jul 2003
Here are some more strange warnings on items.
On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."
On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."
A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."
On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."
My One is Better Than Your One
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 29 Jul 2003
Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
Always Check Your Email Addresses
FROM: Rowland Croucher
DATE: 30 Jul 2003
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
"Dearest wife,
"Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate.
"Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
"Your loving husband.
"P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here."
Married to a Twin
FROM: Mister Funny Bone International
DATE: 30 Jul 2003
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.
A Sunday Afternoon Quickie
FROM: KenFuny
DATE: 31 Jul 2003
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?," the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.