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Our Milkman Dresses Smartly
Two women were talking about their new milkman.
"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly," said one.
"And so quickly too!," said the other.
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Airport Security Profiling
To ensure we Americans never offend anyone—particularly fanatics intent on killing us—airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test:
1) In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
2) In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
3) During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
4) In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
5) In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
6) In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked in Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
7) In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, who had a few sticks of dynamite
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
8) In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
9) In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to detract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
10) On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
11) In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
12) In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
Hmmm... nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling in the hopes to prevent any future loss of life.
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How Does a Spoiled Rich Girl Change a Lightbulb?
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
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Spiteful Mother-in-law
My mother-in-law is a very spiteful woman.
She caught rabies recently, and wrote out a list of everyone she wanted to bite...
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Crash Course In First Aid
A group of U.S. soldiers arriving in The Gulf found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given.
"Jones," he said, pointing to one of the soldiers, "say your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march. What do you do about it?"
"That's easy, Sir," said Jones. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
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No. 5 Bus
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?," he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
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Will the Father Be Present?
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
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Visit to the Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
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Detecting a Mental Deficiency
Dr. Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Family
The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
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Strawberry Farmer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?," asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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My House Was Burgled
"Get this," said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything," his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
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Signs Your Job is Minimum Wage
In case your postage stamp-sized paycheck doesn't clue you in on the fact that you earn minimum wage, here are some other signs.
1. The only requirement for getting the job was that you have reliable transportation.
2. Management conveniently forgets to tell you about the company picnic.
3. Your lunch usually comes out of the candy vending machine.
4. The business's annual COFFEE expense is more than your wages.
5. They're beginning to train DOGS to do your job.
6. A resumé was not necessary.
7. Your parking space? Pick any street.
8. Benefits? What benefits? Who said anything about benefits?
9. If in the unlikely event that you have an office, you get the oldest furniture in the building. Often it's older than YOU are.
10. In order to go to the bathroom, you have to have someone relieve you.
11. Your supervisor laughed behind your back when you showed up on your first day of work wearing a suit and tie.
12. Petty cash issues your paycheck.
13. Yes, you get sick leave. You get sick, you leave, for good!
14. During the interview, your boss remarked that you will gain valuable experience that will be very helpful when you move on.
15. You have the sneaking suspicion that the only reason you got the job was because your application was first on the stack.
16. Your friends all earn more than you... and they're the ones who's income is from claiming from social security.
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Life Explained
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists—most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10—15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
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Ancient Relaxation Technique
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
3. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
5. The water is clear.
6. You can easily make out the face of the person you hate, whose head you're holding under water.
There now... feeling better?
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Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?," the boss asked one of his employees.
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it," the clerk replied.
"Well, there is now," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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Becoming Well Known
An actor or actress works all their lives to gain recognition, they make guest appearances, spend a lot for publicity people and agents etc.
Then, when they finally become well known, they complain they cannot go out in public anymore.
Go figure...
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Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
Signs you've chosen a "no frills" airline:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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Lick The Bowl
A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake.
She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"
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The Nun and The Rapist
A nun is walking down the street when all of a sudden a mugger grabs the nun and drags her into the bushes and rapes her. He then says, 'Now what are you going to tell your Mother superior ?'
The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."
The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."
The nun said, "What? You're already tired?"
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African Roulette
The Ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian Ambassador. For three days, the African Ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded—you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
<click> <click>
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex—take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely adverse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them's a cannibal."
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Non-Curse Curses
May you have the nicest neighbours in all Siberia.
May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax collector, cop and secret agent know it.
May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the worms to pick you clean.
May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May your possessions never tempt another to steal.
If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints.
Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame.
May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken.
May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face.
May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so that you toss and turn all night.
May your blood grow so healthy, your leeches leeches need leeches.
May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too.
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Southern Dictionary
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - what you set in
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Crick - a small stream
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Dainz - Satidy night social
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Ellum - A graceful tree
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Fanger - what you put your rang on
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Frash - them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Furred - He got furred from his job
Further - hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain
Hail - where bad folks go
Hard- got a brend new hard hand
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - whats between the hills
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - what you climb up
Laymun - a sour fruit
Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - what you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - NO
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Pank - a light red color
Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - a paper bag or sack
Poke Salit -a green vegetable
Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
Pop - a soft drink
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Shar - A light rain
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Soardeens - small canned fish
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Tar - his core blew a tar
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
War - a bobbed war fance
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Worsh - go worsh your face
Yurp - a continent overseas
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Gay Children's TV Character
The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. Not too long ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because:
1. He's purple, the gay colour;
2. He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and
3. He carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below:
FRED FLINTSONE
1. His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone."
2. The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
3. He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
4. He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY
1. Often stands with hand on hip.
2. Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
3. Frequently dresses in drag.
4. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his "buddy" Daffy—who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.
POPEYE
1. Eats lots of salad.
2. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
3. Does little sailor-dances.
4. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
5. Best friend named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
1. Robin's nickname: "Boy Wonder."
2. Batman's real name: Bruce.
3. Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man."
4. They're in great shape.
5. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
1. Has a deep, gravelly voice.
2. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
3. Plays a mean game of football.
4. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
5. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
6. Wears comfortable shoes.
7. Nickname: Sir.
THE PINK PANTHER
... 'Nuff said.
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Religious Toys
Comparison of Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century:
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.
Ba'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go to Settlement on Your New Home
"I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
"Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
"Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
"One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
"Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
"Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
"It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
"Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
"It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
"You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
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The Magic Pool
There were these three guys. They had been walking for three days and were very tired.
They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.
Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room.
He tells them "OK, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool.
The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!", jumps and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy is about to jump, when a bird shits on his head, causing him to lose his balance, and as starts to fall he yells "Oh, shit!"
*SPLAT!*
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Top Ten Ways The Mafia Can Improve Its Image
After whacking a guy, stick around to help with the cleanup.
Appeal to the younger generation by changing spelling of "Mafia" to "Maphia".
Goodbye cement shoes, hello comfortable Prowalker shoes from Rockport.
Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials.
Gala "Mafia Awards" ceremony hosted by Hollywood's brightest stars.
New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!
Oh I don't know, maybe stop killing everybody.
Three words: Mafia Book Club.
Don't just say you're dumping a body in New Jersey, say you're dumping a body in New Jersey—home of the soon-to-be-world-champion Nets!
Every once in a while, make someone an offer they can refuse.
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Choosing a University to Attend
I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university. Our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the country, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
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Just Friends?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 20 Jan 2003
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
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Big Boobs
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."
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Are You a Psycho, Take My Test!!
This is another little test for you, see how you do! Let me know if you get this answer right!
This is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down. DON'T CHEAT!
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Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly good for you! If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list... unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on...
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The Dove, the Lark and the Duck
Three male crows are flying over head when one spots a dove.
He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"
The crows continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes later, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"
The crows continue on. A little later the third one sees a duck.
He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says...
"I'm a drake and... there's been a big mistake!"
(And you thought the duck would have said something else...)
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Sixth Grade Research
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
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Two Old Men
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"
"You're on!," said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.
"Wow, what happened?," asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
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What Is It?
A man does it standing up. A woman does it sitting down (usually!) A dog does it on three legs.
What is it?
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Shake Hands!
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24 Hours to Live
Richard gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."
Richard asks for the good news first:
"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.
Horrified, Richard asked: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news?"
"I couldn't reach you yesterday."
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Women Polititians
POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION
Dear Lady Delegates:
We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, but we mean to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with friction. If we can't get it through organisation, then we will get it through combination or both, if necessary.
We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being laid on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities whenever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes will be too hard for us.
We women have always been interested in good movements and will take any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But, we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings.
Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But, all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied.
How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry, "Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are, the men will always be on top.
Thank you friends.
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Reading Mark 17:1
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17:1."
The following Sunday the minister asked for a show of hands to indicate how many had read Mark 17:1. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said,
"Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Good News From the Bad News
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France, leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home.
"Dear Sir Royston,
"I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favourite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn.
"I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bentley were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure.
"The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed.
"I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire.
"Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid.
"As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on."
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Classified Ads For the Undead
Tall, dark handsome Count, good dresser, seeking young beautiful virgin with edible neck. Send applications to the castle on top of that huge mountain where it always seems to be dark and have thunderstorms, Transylvania.
Well built, very hairy man with sharp teeth is very hungry. Please send any spare body parts to: The Woods, Tree 77b.
For Sale: Limbs. Previous owner dead, now they just wont stay on. Slightly decomposed. REF 665.
Wanted: A Brain, for use in monster creation experiment. Will pay handsomely. If you think you can do without yours, Ring Dr Frank, on 0845 STITCHES.
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Short Phone Call
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
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Jokester's Joke Of The Week
(You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one.)
(For you non-Texans...the container for this "snuff" is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his jeans' back pocket.)
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"
"And, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
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That's NOT My Wife!
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"
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Negative Comments
Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable...
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?," exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel—it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really... What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get that shitty hairdo?"
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Texas Wisdom
1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: the ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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Nervous Flyers
I am a very nervous flyer.
During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.
I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said.
Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
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Delta Flight 570
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
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Useless Advice
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?," scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
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Ever Wonder?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (And that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well... duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (And you thought?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And... I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to... what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Minister Caught Speeding
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
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The Mugger in Washington
Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
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UN Survey
Last month, the U N conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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Top Ten Signs You Watch Too Much Football
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons.
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee.
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em.
6. Most humans: 75% water; you: 75% chip dip.
5. During sex, you use a play clock.
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway.
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup.
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion.
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Updated on July 4, 2007. © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos. All Rights Reserved.