Abril de 2003

C-Nile Virus
From: Kathy Gallagher
Date: 1 Apr 2003

Just got this in from a reliable source.  It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned.  It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book are.

7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

Ashamed of Her Size
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 1 Apr 2003

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem.  As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.  "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.  "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.  You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?," she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course.  Now just open your mouth and say, 'moo'."

Miss Spoonerism
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 1 Apr 2003;

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."

"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?," asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl.  "I want to have a 'contamination."

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well, I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity...  What's the difference?  All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Headaches and Age
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 2 Apr 2003

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.  The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?," asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first.  "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier?  How is that?," his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered.  "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

The Movie Rating System Explained
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 2 Apr 2003

G.................Nobody gets the girl.

PG................The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R.................The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X.................Everybody Gets The Girl.

NOTA: Las clasificaciones PG-13 y NC-17 no aparecen en la versión original. — LDB.

I'm Fine
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 3 Apr 2003

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.  In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,',?" questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.  Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?"

"Now, in those circumstances, I felt the best thing to say was 'I'm fine!'"

Hungover Signs
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 4 Apr 2003

You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

All day long your motto is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Pilots and Engineers
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 4 Apr 2003

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.  The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.  They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.  Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P (The problem logged by the pilot): Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S (The solution and action taken by the engineers): Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Where Is He?
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 5 Apr 2003

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said.  "Where was he?"

"Relax.  He's downtown playing poker with you."

Coming of Age
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 5 Apr 2003

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.  There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.  He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.  The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?," the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?," answered the young man.  "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like?  She's knitting."

"And how old are you?," the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?," asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Appetite Suppression
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 5 Apr 2003

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.  "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast?  Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines.  "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.  "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich?  Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines.  "No, thanks.  It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper.  "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch?  Or, how about a tasty stir fry?  That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines.  "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra.  It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then," she says, "would you mind getting off me?  I'm fucking STARVING!"

NOTA DE REVISIÓN (5 DE JUNIO DE 2004): ¿Cuánto apuestan a que ni Bob Dole, ni José Luis "El Puma" Rodríguez, ni Rafael Palmeiro, ni Mario "El Quijote" Morales hablan de esto, ah?  (Y eso, que cada uno de ellos toma Viagra™...)

Actual Marketing Flops
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 7 Apr 2003

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.  It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences.  For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.  Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan, "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation," came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan, "finger-lickin' good," came out as "eat your fingers off."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."  After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.  The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."  However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.  Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed, "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation.  A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained, "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos, before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts."  In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.  Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

And finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities.  Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice.  It gets your pecker up."

Battle of Sexes - Mom vs. Dad
From: Humor Break
Date: 7 Apr 2003

DIVORCED FATHER:  "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support.  Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

Later...

DAUGHTER:  "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope.  He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you.  Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

DIVORCED MOTHER:  "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Very Good Friends
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 7 Apr 2003

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station.  At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height.  Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot manage the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.  With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again.  She finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.  To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way?  I don't even know you!"

The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly, I thought we were pretty good friends."

I Want a Little Sister
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 8 Apr 2003

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister.  You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Delivering the Laundry
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 8 Apr 2003

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed.  My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home.  "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."  I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door.  A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile.  "Is your mommy home?"  Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.  "Mom!," she shrieked, "come quick!  It's the stork!"

Beethoven is Dead!!
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 10 Apr 2003

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770—1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!  Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.  By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.  Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?," the caretaker says incredulously.  "He's decomposing."

I Don't Want to Go to School
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 10 Apr 2003

Early one morning a mother went into her son's bedroom to wake him up for school.

"Wake up, son.  It's time to go to school," said the mother.

"But why, Mom?  I don't want to go," whined the son.

"Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go," challenged the mother.

"Well, the kids hate me, for one; and the teachers hate me, for another," moaned the son.

"Oh, those are no reasons not to go to school.  Come on now and get ready," encouraged the mother.

"Give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school," demanded the son.

To which the mother replied, "Well, for one, you're forty-one years old; and for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

I Conjure Those to Rise Who Are Truly Virgins
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 10 Apr 2003

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town.  To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here.  This vile lie must and shall be refuted.  In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so.  Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest.  "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one?  This is an order from the Almighty:  Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."

And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

The Drunk in Confessional
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 10 Apr 2003

A priest is hearing confessions as usual, until he hears on one side of the confessional loud stumbling noises and a crash.

Quickly finishing with the woman on the other side, he turns his head and opens the sliding window.  A rank, booze-laden smell slaps him across the face, and he chokes out words:  "What in the name of GOD?..."

A voice from the other side of the window gives off a long, slow groan.

Now the booth is flooded with another, even more foul odour!

"Who in the blazes is THAT?," bellows the priest, completely out of patience by now.

"Oh, Father Murphy!  It's Father O'Brien.  Thank GOD you're there (hic).  Tell me, Father, is there any paper on your side?"

Registration for Purchase of Aircraft
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 8 Apr 2003

Registration:

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
> [_] Mr.
> [_] Mrs.
> [_] Miss
> [_] Lt.
> [_] Gen.
> [_] Comrade
> [_] Classified
> [_] Other
First Name:...................................................
Initial:........
Last Name...................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:....................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
> [_] F-14 Tomcat
> [_] F-15 Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon
> [_] F-117A Stealth
> [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20....... /......./......

4. Serial Number:...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
> [_] Received as gift / aid package
> [_] Catalogue / showroom
> [_] Independent arms broker
> [_] Mail order
> [_] Discount store
> [_] Government surplus
> [_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
> [_] Store display
> [_] Espionage
> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
> [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
> [_] Style / appearance
> [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
> [_] Price / value
> [_] Comfort / convenience
> [_] Kickback / bribe
> [_] Recommended by salesperson
> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
> [_] Backroom politics
> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
> [_] North America
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Aircraft carrier
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Europe
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Africa
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Asia / Far East
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Misc. Third World countries
> [_] Iraq
> [_] Classified
> [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
> [_] Colour TV
> [_] VCR
> [_] ICBM
> [_] Killer Satellite
> [_] CD Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
> [_] Space Shuttle
> [_] Home Computer
> [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?  (Indicate all that apply:)
> [_] Communist / Socialist
> [_] Terrorist
> [_] Crazed
> [_] Neutral
> [_] Democratic
> [_] Dictatorship
> [_] Corrupt
> [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
> [_] Deficit spending
> [_] Cash
> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
> [_] Oil revenues
> [_] Personal cheque
> [_] Credit card
> [_] Ransom money
> [_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
> [_] Homemaker
> [_] Sales / marketing
> [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical
> [_] Mercenary
> [_] Tyrant
> [_] Middle management
> [_] Eccentric billionaire
> [_] Defence Minister / General
> [_] Retired
> [_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
> [_] Golf
> [_] Boating / sailing
> [_] Sabotage
> [_] Running / jogging
> [_] Propaganda / misinformation
> [_] Destabilisation / overthrow
> [_] Default on loans
> [_] Gardening
> [_] Crafts
> [_] Black market / smuggling
> [_] Collectibles / collections
> [_] Watching sports on TV
> [_] Wines
> [_] Interrogation / torture
> [_] Household pets
> [_] Crushing rebellions
> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
> [_] Fashion clothing
> [_] Border disputes
> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT:  This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.  If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this e-mail, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

If you have received this e-mail in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Do You Know How To Have Sex?
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 16 Apr 2003

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.  Not amused, she slammed the door.  Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.  Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident.  He said he would stay home the following day just in case.  Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.  When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great!  Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

All I Need to Learn About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny!
From: GCFL (The Good Clean Funnies List)
Date: 18 Apr 2003

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Fido the Police Dog
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 18 Apr 2003

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.  They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties!  We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back.  Just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.  Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.  After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.  The sirens get louder and louder.  Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

Words of Wisdom, in Case We Forget
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 19 Apr 2003

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.  After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.  It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish.  Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you.  It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.  Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.  Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.  And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.  It could change your life forever.

I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Cowboy Sex
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 11 Apr 2003

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk.

Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy.  "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

All Purpose Excuse Form
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 11 Apr 2003

All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in.  Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it.  You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control?  And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun.  The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness.  I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
Me.

The Airplane Necklace
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 11 Apr 2003

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on.  Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.  All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.  In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"

The young man smiled mischievously.  "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

Busy Urinal
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 12 Apr 2003

This is absolutely a true story.

My 10 year son and I went to the restroom at a movie theatre just before the movie started.  There were 5 urinals there and a line had formed up so we had to wait our turn.  When we got to the front of the line, two of the urinals became available.  One was a short one for little kids and the other was at a normal height for adults.  My son rushed to the higher urinal and left me to use the smaller one.  I didn't want to make a fuss with everybody there so I just let him go.  In the middle of relieving ourselves, my son looks to me and says "mine's bigger than yours."  Everybody there got a good laugh out of it.

Explaining What a Condom Is
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 12 Apr 2003

A husband and wife were screwing up a storm.  Afterward, the husband headed to the bathroom to clean up.  He was halfway down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom.

The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a bullshit story.  "Son, I'm trying to catch a mouse."

The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when ya catch it... fuck it?"

Jokester's Joke Of The Week
From: Jokester
Date: 13 Apr 2003

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.  Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?," he asked.

"It is very simple.  First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual.  Then you preach in a monotone voice.  Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.  Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.  So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor...

It took them a week to clean up the church.

COMENTARIO AÑADIDO EN REVISIÓN (5 DE JUNIO DE 2004): Y si a ese pastor se le ocurre hacer lo mismo en el nuevo Coliseo de Puerto Rico... ¡se tardan un mes en limpiarlo!

On the Hospital Trolley
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 15 Apr 2003

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.  She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.  The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.  He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.  The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea.  We're just painting the corridor."

Taking the Next Turn
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 Apr 2003

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.  The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.  Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

Miracle Pills
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 Apr 2003

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.  The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known.  The Fountain of Youth!!  Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.

Attracting Women
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 15 Apr 2003

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.  "Doc, you've got to help me.  I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?," the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.  No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem.  You just need to work on your self-esteem.  Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.  Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.  But say it with real conviction.  Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.  Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.  "Did my advice not work?," asked the doctor.

"It worked alright.  For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied.  "My wife does."

To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 16 Apr 2003

To: All Male Taxpayers

Re: Notice of Increase of Tax Payment (Form 1040 P)

The only thing the IRS has not taxed is your penis.  This is due to the fact 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.  On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2003, your penis will be taxed according to size.

To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

10—12 inches -- Luxury Tax $ 50.00
8—11 inches -- Polo Tax $ 30.00
6—7 inches -- Privilege Tax $15.00
4—5 inches -- Nuisance Tax $ 5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.  Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Sincerely,
B. Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

COMENTARIO: Lo único que voy a decir en mi favor es que yo... ¡no soy elegible para el reintegro!  PUNTO.

Who Pinched My Bottom?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 16 Apr 2003

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly.  "I did."

The Wife Is the Real Boss?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 16 Apr 2003

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

"Fine," the boss replied.  "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

Lady Godiva
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 17 Apr 2003

When Lady Godiva returned from her famous ride in the nude, she was met by her husband.

"Where have you been?," he asked.

"You know perfectly well," answered Lady Godiva, "I have been riding naked through the streets in order to shame you into reducing those dreadful taxes of yours."

"I know, but that damned horse of yours got back two hours ago."

Money and Candy
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 17 Apr 2003

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.  "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.  "OK," he says, "this is my final offer.  I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.  "Look," he says to the driver.  "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad.  You'll have to live with it!"

The Black Condom
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 17 Apr 2003

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.  Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.  Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.  They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.  And we know what that meant.  One room and the normal follow up to that.

Their first night there she undresses as he does.  There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.  He in his birthday suit.  Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.  The following night the same scenario.  She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

An Old Ghost's Face
From: John Erskin
Date: 18 Apr 2003

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.  After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.  The passenger screamed, "Look at the window.  There's an old ghost's face there!"  The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.  The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"  The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.  The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."  All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.  He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?," the old man quietly asked.  The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!"  The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Baseball in Heaven
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 18 Apr 2003

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl.  They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.  Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball.  Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season.  They went to over 60 games a year.  They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.  He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!," Earl exclaimed.  "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.  Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful!  So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Excuses for Being Late
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 18 Apr 2003

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?," he asked sarcastically.  "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.  The wife decided to drive me to the station.  She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.  Rather than let you down, I swam across the river—look, my suit's still damp—, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.  "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Guide to Safe Fax
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 19 Apr 2003

Q) Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A) No.  While it is not unusual for married people to fax quite often, single people safely fax complete strangers everyday.

Q) My parents say they never had fax when they were young and they were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one.  How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A) Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure, but usually adults fax more than children or early teenagers.

Q) If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A) Absolutely not!  Just because you have somehow managed to fax yourself, you certainly will not go blind.

Q) There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.  Is it legal?
A) Yes, many people have no outlet for their fax needs and must pay a "professional" when their desire to fax becomes great.

Q) Should a cover always be used when you are faxing?
A) Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used to insure safe fax.

Q) What happens when I lose control of the procedure and fax prematurely?
A) Don't panic!  Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time.  Just start over.  The person you are faxing will usually want you to try to fax again.

Q) I fax professionally and on occasion I enjoy faxing on a personal basis.  Can transmissions become mixed up?
A) Being bi-faxual can sometimes be confusing.  As long as you use the proper cover with each, you won't transmit anything you are not supposed to.

Anal Deodorant
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 20 Apr 2003

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for an anal deodorant.  The assistant explains that they don't stock them.  The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes the man on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item.  The man explains that he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done so for several years.  The pharmacist asks the man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.  The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

Parrots
From: Fritz
Date: 17 Apr 2003

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?," the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.  Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.  Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job.  My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.  As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes.  Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.  Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rodney Long
Date: 18 Apr 2003

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.  The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.  She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.  Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.  So the madam sends her over to Bob.  The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.  She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry.  Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.  Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

Show Business Stinks...
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 12 Apr 2003

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task.  He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about.  After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce.  My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do.  You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

Noddin' Off in the Church
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 12 Apr 2003

A man goes up to the minister at the local church.  "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem.  My wife keeps falling asleep during your Sermons.  It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful.  What should I do?"

I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.  "Take this hatpin with you.  I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.  When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.  Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.  "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?," he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!," Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!," came the minister's quick reply.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.  And again, the minister noticed.  "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!," howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.  Right again!," bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.  However, this time the minister did not notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his serhe made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"  As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"AMEN!," replied all the women.

Monty Python's Practice to English
From: Xavier
Date: 13 Apr 2003

- Hello, are you there?
- Yes, who are you please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott.
- What?

Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 17 Apr 2003

You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."

You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.

You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.

Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root canal.

On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.

You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.

Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.

Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.

You've cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.

You actually read all the posts in atj and rec.humor and post there on a daily basis.

Talking Dog for Sale
From: Ron Ablang
Date: 17 Apr 2003

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.  "You talk?," he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.  "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.  The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  The owner says, "Ten dollars."  The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him?"  The owner replies, "Because he's a liar."

Fairytales
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 Apr 2003

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time...."

A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Graveside Service
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 Apr 2003

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.  The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.  Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

Where's My Porridge?
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 20 Apr 2003

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl.  It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?  It was Mommy Bear who got up first.  It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.  It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.  It was Mommy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.  It was Mommy Bear who set the table.  It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.  And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence...

Listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time.......

I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"

People Say the Dumbest Things
From: Kathy Gallagher
Date: 21 Apr 2003

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.  We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.  There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" - George (H.W.) Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth.  I assisted in furthering that version." - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, (then) President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, (then) VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Who Wants to Go to Heaven?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 21 Apr 2003

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Was the Operation a Success?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 21 Apr 2003

The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained consciousness.

"Well Doc...," he asked, "tell me was the operation a success?"

"Sorry son," was the reply.  "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor, I'm Saint Peter."

Funny Ads
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 22 Apr 2003

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3^rd salesman, and the 2^nd one just left."

In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.  Would that be satisfactory?"

Mental Health Question
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 22 Apr 2003

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

COMENTARIO: No, yo nunca he visto que eso le pase a Julio Toro, Raymond Dalmau o Flor Meléndez... ¿o sí?

Unhappy With Their Room
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 23 Apr 2003

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.

To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room.  No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."

"But, madam!", replied the bellman.

"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued.  "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel.  I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Oh Doc
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 24 Apr 2003

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.  "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor replies, "What's the problem?  Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Go Suck a Lemon!
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 24 Apr 2003

Sister Mary walks into the Mother Superiors office and confesses, "I have been having sex with the new Minister at St. Judes, what shall I do for penance?"

The Mother Superior says, "First you can suck a lemon."

"Oh," says Sister Mary, "will that make me holy again?"

"No," says the Mother Superior, "but it will take that contented smirk off your face."

Speaking to the Burglar
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 24 Apr 2003

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.  "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no,!" said the man.  "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.  I've been trying for years."

The I.D. Ten T. Error
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 24 Apr 2003

Sally, an employee in a tech company, was having computer trouble.  So she called Joe, the computer guy, over to her desk.  Joe clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.  As he was walking away, Sally called after him, "So,what was wrong?"  And he replied, "It was an I.D. ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran over Sally's face.  "An I.D. ten T error?  What's that... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an I.D. ten T error before?"

"No," replied Sally.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(Here's what she wrote...)

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........

I D 10 T

Who's the Man?
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 24 Apr 2003

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.  The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.  Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.  "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.  Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.  Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?," he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then."

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?," demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

COMENTARIO: ¡¡¡¡¡UUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Chain Saw Massacre
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 25 Apr 2003

The judge asked the defendant to please stand.  "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!," the Judge says to the man who shouted.  He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"Damn tightwad," the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!," yelled the judge.  To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!," the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!!"

Urologist Appointment
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 25 Apr 2003

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave my name to the receptionist—a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.  In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?"

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation—and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
From: Larry Krzewinski
Date: 23 Apr 2003

You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."

Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."

The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are—or if she even has any.

Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."

After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.

There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled.  In August.  In Los Angeles.

Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.

Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"

COMENTARIO: De repente, como que me dan ganas de mudarme a ese vecindario...

Mobile Phone
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 25 Apr 2003

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat.  It's only $1,000.  Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great!  One more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market.  They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A Helping Hand
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 26 Apr 2003

COMENTARIO: Duele reconocerlo, pero yo creo que la niña tiene razón...

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?," asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?," said the little one.

"How do you mean?," asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

Getting It in Cider
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 26 Apr 2003

COMENTARIO: Un ejemplo más de por qué los adultos debemos tener cuidado con ciertas cosas que decimos frente los niños...

A little girl about 5 years old was helping her mother in the garden to prune the roses.  She got pricked on the finger by one of the rose bushes and started to cry.

"There, there," her mother said, and gave it a kiss better, but the little girl kept crying.

After a while her mother said, "Please stop your crying, I'll give you anything if you stop crying."

The little girl replied, "I want some cider."

Her mother said, "You're too young to have cider," but the little girl insisted and kept crying.

So her mother took her inside and got a glass of cider from the fridge and gave it to the little girl.  Straight away she put her hand in the glass of cider.

"What are you doing?," said her mother."

"Well mummy, I heard aunty Sue say, when ever she got a prick in her hand she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

Conversation Over Dinner
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 27 Apr 2003

WOMAN: What would you do if I died?  Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not—don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN:———silence———

MAN: Shit.

Dressed to Kill!
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 27 Apr 2003

Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.  By the second day, they were already fighting.

"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed.  "You look like a tramp."

"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and flowing?  If you find something long and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."

So he pushed her into the river.

Making Your Own Car
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 28 Apr 2003

Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself...  "So he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."

"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"

Fred replied, "Four years with time off for good behaviour."

Shot with a Bow and Arrow
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 28 Apr 2003

Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth—why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children."

Undetectable Ways To Murder Someone
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 28 Apr 2003

COMENTARIO: Bueno, hasta donde yo sé, NADIE muere por ser tan bruto...

A fellow decides to dispatch his wife and gets in a discussion with a doctor friend on undetectable ways to murder someone.  The doctor friend suggests that sex twenty times a day will dispatch a person in a month.

Twenty-nine days later, the doctor runs into the man and asks how it is going.

The fellow, bent over at the waist, wrinkled beyond his years, and down to only 95 pounds says, "Great, she is spry as a fiddle and doesn't even realize that she only has one day to live."

Escaping the Firing Squad
From: Mister Funny Bone International
Date: 28 Apr 2003

COMENTARIO: Al tercero de estos condenados, yo no sé si nominarlo para los "Darwin Awards"...

Three convicts were going to be executed.  As they went out, the first was given one last request.  He pointed behind the firing range and shouted,"Tornado," and ran away when they turned round see where the Tornado was.

The second one pointed and said,"Hurricane," and then did the same when they turned to look.

The third shouted, "Fire!"

English Chant
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 29 Apr 2003

I would like to share an old English chant.  Each year during the last week of April, the Native English would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over.  They this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:

to ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year;

and to ward off harm/evil;

and gain great wisdom.

It goes like this:

Oooooh waaaaah (pause)
Taaaaa foooooo (pause)
Lie aaaammmm (pause)

Now repeat it without the pause.  As you repeat it more often and more quickly, it's message becomes clear and you will become wise!  Try it.  It works very well and very quickly!!!

Only Interested in One Thing
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 30 Apr 2003

When my cousin teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mummy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing."

Shocked, my cousin cautiously asked what that might be.

"Pokemon cards, " said the toddler.

Men, Summed Up
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 30 Apr 2003

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Proposed After 30 Minutes
From: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: 30 Apr 2003

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.  Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.  The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.  She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said.  "We only met a half hour ago.  How can you be so sure?  We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.  "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

A Terrible Stutter
From: Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell
Date: 30 Apr 2003

Two fellows are walking around town.  One has a terrible stutter.  He taps his friend on the shoulder and begins to exclaim, "L-l-l-look-k-k over t-t-th-th-th-th-there!"

His friend looks toward where the stutterer was gesturing, and asks, "What is it?  What is it?"

"Th-th-th-th-there was a p-p-p-p-pr-pr-pretty girl!"

"Where?  Where?  Where is she?"

"A-a-a-a-a-aw, you m-m-mi-m-mi-missed h-h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

A few minutes later the first fellow nudges his friend again, and starts to exclaim, "H-h-h-h-h-hey hey hey hey hey l-l-l-l-l-l-look!  H-h-hey ll-l-l-l-look!  O-o-o-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-ov-ov-ov-over th-th-th-there!  L-l-l-l-l-look!"

"What is it?  What is it?

"H-h-h-hey, th-th-there w-w-w-w-was an-anoth-another pretty g-g-g-girl!"

"Where?  Where is she?  Where you lookin?"

"N-n-n-n-n-ev-ev-ever m-m-m-mind, y-y-y-you m-m-mi-missed h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

They travelled a few more blocks.  Then the stutterer started up: "H-h-h-h-hey hey hey".  His companion was tired of searching the landscape long after the interesting view had disappeared, so he tiredly exclaimed, "I've seen it.  I've seen it."

The stutterer asked: "W-w-w-w-well if y-y-y-you s-s-s-s-s-s-seen it, th-th-then w-wh-w-why d-d-d-d-did you s-s-s-s-s-s-s-step on it?"

Hitch-hike
From: Rowland Croucher
Date: 29 Apr 2003

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel!  The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.  Scared, he started to pray begging for his life.  He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.  The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

Updated on July 4, 2007.  © 2005–2007 Luis Daniel Beltrán-Burgos.  All Rights Reserved.